This one is between a husband
and a wife. Our first contender,
he’s done multiple TV specials, has a hit podcast, and is
a regular at The Comedy Cellar. He’s battling his spouse,
so tonight’s the only time he’s going to be called
a wife beater. Everyone do it up for the soon
to be divorced Joe List! Everyone do it up for the soon
to be divorced Joe List! His opponent/wife was born
in South Africa, so I’m assuming she was in
desperate need of citizenship. You’ve seen her on Colbert and soon she’ll be sleeping
apartheid from her husband. Give it up for the albino
[inaudible] Sarah Tollemach. This is the perfect example
of verbal domestic violence. My brother-in-law’s a great divorce attorney
if this goes really bad. Good to know. Thank you. I can’t afford to pay him. What made you two won a battle as a married couple? The money. Sarah Tollemach:
All right, hell yeah. I’m excited about this one, Jeff.
I am very close with both of them and knew them
before they were together. I watched them fall in love,
I was there. Nikki was there. I was trying to get her. Wow. Just kidding. Me too. Menagetois. Menagetois. I’ll consider, I’ll consider. Moses, hold on, before you give the rules. Yes sir. I know we get a lot of celebrities
come by Roast Battle, but fucking Saudi Prince
is here. Saudi Prince is in the house all you bitches. Have you seen these two battle before? No, it looks like a good battle my friend. In my country we don’t
let the women speak, but it looks like you have
a Harry Potter if he was cast as John Oliver, going against a Amy Adams
reflection in a heroine spoon. All right, let’s light it up Moses.
Tell them the rules. Here are the rules of the roast battle: Original material only,
no physical contact, and at the end
of every battle, we hug. Joe, Sarah, who wants to go first? I’ll go first. Husband, wife, till death do you part. Joe, you made diss the bride.
Let’s roast. Thank you. Sarah and I, we did get married last year.
Sarah refused to take my name because she’s a strong,
independent woman, who makes her living opening
for her stronger, more successful husband. That hurts. When I first started
dating Joe, he was an alcoholic,
has OCD, and herpes. I know, he had more red flags
than the Chinese Army, except the Chinese Army
has a chin. I love you. Sarah, you’re a beautiful, talented woman.
I’m not good at this. Sarah and I have our own me
too story, unfortunately. Every time someone
comes up to me and says, I think your wife stinks
at comedy, I say, me too. Joe has OCD, which is weird, because his dick
is a mess. Oh my God. Wow, God.
Sarah used to be a stripper, believe it or not, that’s true.
There’s more. The crowd
she’s ever performed for is not opening for me,
it’s opening her butt cheeks for the Starlet Nightclub
at Queens. It was too many words,
I knew it. I’ll be there all weekend. A lot of times when Joe and I argue
and he’s losing, he likes to tell me
to go back to Africa. I know, partly because
I am from Africa, but mostly because
he’s from Boston. Sarah is originally from Africa. It’s hard to tell. There’s nothing African
about her except for her vagina, which looks and smells
like a baboon’s ass. You know what? Joe has actually
has been really nice. He’s opened
a lot of doors for me. He’s gotten me a lot of spots
at clubs and on my pussy. Last joke. You know, they say you are what you eat. I guess that’s why
I’m such a stinky, continent asshole
on your birthday. Thank you. Oh my God. Joe and I decided not to have kids. Not because we don’t want them,
but mainly because I’m worried that the baby
will have Joe’s teeth and get snagged
on my pussy. Joe List, Sarah Tollemach. It isn’t herpes.
Who do you like Jeff? We just made Roast Battle history tonight.
You two, a married couple. Joe, you got just as
many groans as last time. Like in our sex life. Sarah, you were so funny tonight, every joke hit. I thought you blew this guy away
tonight. Great, great battle. Joe, have fun sleeping
on the couch. Sarah got my vote. This was great to watch. It’s great to watch a marriage
crumble in real time like that. Joe, I’m a huge fan of yours. I think you’re one
of the best standup comics in this competition. I do not understand
how you got this woman to marry you.
You are so fucking lucky. Thank you. It’s ridiculous. Sarah, I thought
you took this. I thought that you just fucking
came out and destroyed him the way I expect all women
to try to destroy their husbands without the
[inaudible]. As a female comic who dates male comedians, I look at you guys
and I just go, this is what I want to avoid. No, watching you guys roast
each other was so much fun. You can tell there’s
so much love behind it. Joe, you went soft
a little bit on Sarah, which I’m sure
she’s used to. Sarah, you laid the groundwork
so well by spelling out all of
his insecurities right away, and then you hit them
all joke by joke. It was masterful. Sarah Tollemach for the win
on this one for me. Your winner of the husband and wife match up is,
Sarah, Tollemach. Hug each other. Oh yeah.