Laughter is the Best Medicine

A Message From Your Favorite CEOs.

(electro-techno music) – Hi, America. My name’s David Taylor. I’m the CEO of the
company that makes Tide, and it’s corollary product, Tide Pods, which is what I wanna
talk to you about today. Ya gotta stop eating the Tide Pods (laughing)
okay? Look, I get it. You guys are young, you’re hip. You don’t want an old guy
telling you what to do. But Tide Pods are soap
and that’s not food. So please, stop eating the Tide Pods. And make sure to keep an eye
out for Cascade Dish Pops, the lollipop that cleans your dishes. That lolly — uh, could
we stop, could we sorry… Are we calling it a lollipop? I’d love to see one, if I could. Just get it, if we could fly one in. (bubbling) (laughing) Our company has been
innovating new products since it was founded, and
we’re proud to continue that tradition with our Vicks VapoRub Winter Blast gum flavored bonbons. (rattling) Do these look just like mints? Diner mints? I’m lookin’ at it, and man, that looks like a mint to me. I mean
(laughing) am I crazy? – What do you mean the same as Tide Pods? I also don’t understand, now
that we’re talking about it, what does gum flavored
mean in this context? Bubble gum flavored? Gum tastes like anything. (inhales deeply) (frictional hand rubbing) We’re gonna get our fuckin’
ass handed to us in court. (lips smack) You’re not rolling on this, are you? Forget dryer sheets! With Gain brand dryer powder,
you simply pour the powder into the mixer, you take
your dryer stick right here, and, this is cotton candy. Am I the asshole? Like, how do you not get… We, could we just cut, could we, could we cut the camera real quick? – [David] I’m trying
to understand right now how this happened. I have been busting my ass on
this fuckin’ Tide Pods fiasco, and I turn my back for three seconds, and now our entire line
of products is shaped like fucking candy and I’m tryin’ to understand how this happened. Why are you crying? – With Tampax Pushsicles,
you get to choose between Chilly Cherry, Frosty Fruit
Punch, or Ice Cold Cranberry. We — okay. Not only should none of these be flavored, because why would you flavor them? This is the coldest thing I’ve ever held. And! As in everything else today,
people will try to eat these! Even if they’re not poisonous, we don’t want people
eating fucking tampons. – Why are they poisonous? You’ll go cuckoo for cleanliness with our cocoa butter premium
Pampers brand Chux — so the kids eat shit. Right? That’s what this is,
the kids, they eat shit. It’s chocolate, diaper, poop, let’s see here. Oops, there it is, is it
chocolate? Is it poop? Do we care? Does anyone care? Who knows? Who gives a fuck right? I’m not gonna do this product,
so we’ll be moving on. Jesus Christ, okay. Try Crest brand dinner paste, for the hungry consumer on the go throw a fluoride filled
meal bag in your gullet? Oh fuck! (squelching) So we do make food! So we do now make food! Meal bag! – I’ll kill you. It doesn’t matter if we make the day, because none of this is gonna
be usable, do you understand? That’s a hamburger. – That’s a razor?! That’s a Gilette razor?! Bring me shaving cream right now! And if it doesn’t shave
my face, it’s your ass, you get that right? Here we go! Oh my God! That is a killer shave. That is like, baby’s bottom smooth. The other stuff I don’t
know about, but this, the hamburger is working for me. – Hi America, my name is Brian
Hat and I’m the CEO of ABC. Our company has always sought to produce wholesome, original content that brings people
together across the aisle. But recently, we’ve had
a couple big misses; Roseanne, Last Man Standing, these were attempts at
bringing us together but ultimately couldn’t
connect with our core values. For that, we apologize. Moving forward, we want to prove to you that we are redoubling our efforts to create programming that
speaks to the heartland, while not attacking the
very core of human decency. So thanks for watching
and make sure to tune in for this fall’s newest sitcom
Baby Immigrant starring Adam Carolla, Ted Nugent, and Jeff Dunham. This is a fucking time bomb man. Give me a break. Adam Carolla? Ted Nugent? Can Ted Nugent act? ABC isn’t just for families either, keep an eye out for this fall’s Divarsity, where two college athletes
will lose their scholarships unless they can trick
their friends and faculty into thinking they’re women of color. Oh God. Who agreed to be in this show? – Logan Paul?! – The sweaty guy from the Charlotte… (sighs) ABC’s more than just
comedy, new soap opera, Blue Lives to Live, tells a
story of a police precinct full of romance, betrayal,
and the one woman brave enough to delete over 300 hours
of body cam footage. (laughs loudly) We’re fucked! We’re fucked man! (laughing and crying)
We’re fucked! Tell me we have something
that will not cause a boycott! – A reboot? – Family Matters. It’s a blast from the past here at ABC ’cause we’re heading back to Chicago to catch up with the Winslow family and ol’ Steve Urkel in
All Families Matter, the all white reboot of the classic.. No! No! Don’t move over to get the poster! Back on me! (audibly sighs) I took care of Roseanne,
I took care of Tim Allen. How is this shit getting greenlit? (chair clatters) We cannot keep selling shows to Fox! For fans of Chicago Med and Chicago Fire, make sure to check out
Chicago EMT and Chicago Klan coming to — okay. Chicago Klan? Who did this show test well with? Can I see the demo information please? Thank you. Okay, so I’ve noticed something, this survey was conducted at a Klan rally, do you think that there’s
a problem with that? Marking our first foray
into prestige journalism, we’re excited to bring our
new hour long, in-depth, investigative reporting
program, News for White People, with co-anchors Mel Gibson
and any blonde woman. – No Homo, starring
Kelsey Grammar, greenlit! The Handmaid’s Tale, but we
frame it like it’s a good thing, starring Patricia Keaton,
other than the title guys, you know that’s greenlit! School Shooter Shooter,
starring a digitally reanimated Charlton Heston, and Ted Nugent, The Nuge, you know I
gotta greenlight The Nuge! I wanted to do something good, you know. Bring the left and the right together, we’re so divided I just thought, and you guys hired all
these racist lunatics, and that’s not what I — look, I mean. Bridget, can we get that poll information. You wanna know the number one thing that middle Americans wanted to see on TV. It was, racist lunatics? That’s… they wrote… they had to bubble in
other and write that. That was obviously not one
of the options we put in. (sighs) This country is, fucked, it’s bad. – We aired Baby Immigrant! What the fuck are you talking about? – First in the time slot? I mean, we can get Nugent
an acting coach right? – Hi America, my name is Rob Shelf and I’m the CEO of Venmo,
the simple fun money app that enables quick and easy
payments between friends, while providing the full experience of a social media platform. Venmo started out as the dream
of two engineering students. What if you could like
a financial transaction? what if you could friend
request your landlord? what if you could comment on a work colleague’s electricity bill? This exciting idea was roundly rejected by the vast majority of our user base, who foolishly chose to ignore
all the fun, social aspects of Venmo that we worked so hard on. Guys, we’re in the middle of a take. Could we just lock it up? What’s going on? No, I read it correctly,
I’m calling them foolish because Venmo is fun and
you’d have to be stupid to not realize that. It’s fun! With Facebook quickly
unraveling democracy, and Twitter full to bursting with Nazis, why not head over to Venmo, and make us the new home of social media. Post your heart out with the
understanding that every post must be accompanied by
a financial transaction of some sort. Is that what’s messing us up? That you can’t just post? It has to be accompanied
by an exchange of money? No, no, that rules, that kicks (beep). It’s the (beep) users man, they suck. They suck, they suck, I’m
good, I’m good, they suck. Of course the board knows I’m doing this! What do you think? I’m the CEO of the… Oh, is that them on the phone? Hi Walter, hello. I can hear you’re upset, it’s… So what I am to understand, is that once we are extremely profitable, the company has
accomplished its objective. You do feel that way? Well, I find that boring. I don’t think that’s cool, and I think cool is something that is a form of currency as well. Don’t yell. The reason that I was
brought onto this company, is that I understand young people, I know what’s hip, I know what’s on, I know what’s lit, I know what’s
fleek, that’s why I’m here. You’re young? You’re young, you’re an intern right? – Yeah. – You on soc? You on soc med? You on the soc med? – Mmm hmm, yeah. – Cool, what’s your finance app? What do ya use for finance? (intern mumbles) What do you use for finance, hello? – Square. – Square? Square Cash? You’re fired. You didn’t see it before,
but she’s very hostile. With Venmo Platinum,
you’ll be able to socialize with only the most active Venmo users. Celebrities, improv coaches, drug dealers. And with such features as
scheduled payments, verification, and actually being able
to tell whether or not you’re paying the right person, the future of Venmo is more than golden, it’s platinum. But you can only get it if you routinely get 20 likes on a post! How hard is that? I’m not asking you to part
the (beep) Red Sea here. I’m asking for some engaging
content, that we can license, into a franchise, of Dwayne
‘The Rock’ Johnson films! (laughs) I mean, Facebook is full of
Russian bots, and 9/11 truthers, Twitter is (beep) pledge
week at the reichstag. The planets have aligned
for Venmo’s big day and we’re blowing it because of you. You guys know you can
put whatever you want in the comments, right? You don’t have to say
it’s the actual thing that you’re paying for. Instead of a cab, right? Write blowjob. (laughs sarcastically) That’s comedy, okay. Something is one thing but through comedy, you just say blowjob and it’s funny. God (beep). What do you mean people are
naturally shy and antisocial when they’re discussing
their personal finances? You sound (beep) stupid. (loudly grunting) You could be in a movie with The Rock! Do you want that? Or do you wanna live a stupid
life where nothing happens? Could’ve been you. (beep) – [Male] What’s going on? – [Female] What should we do? (loud snoring) Should we call someone? (snoring)
(whispers from crew) (grunts)
– Moviepass! – We’re here for the
Moviepass CEA, CBA, PPSA. Caught me sleeping on
the floor a little bit, well you know, you’re pullin’ long hours, you care about a company,
that’s what CEO’s do. My house is fine, I have… I have my house still. Good morning America, I’m Jonathan Floor, CEO of Moviepass, the
company revolutionizing the way you see movies. Now, you may have heard
some rumors and gossip about us going out of business, but the important thing is this, Moviepass is here to stay. It’s taken us a couple
of tries to get it right, I mean, who knew people would
see truly so many movies. I only thought they made
like 20 movies a year, I way under guessed, they make truly, what, like hundreds right? How many? – Thousands? According to our accounting department, we were losing money on
every single subscriber. That’s okay, sometimes in
business you gotta lose money to lose money — make money, fuck! Changes have to be made here at Moviepass. They have to, they just have to. And we wanna be totally
transparent with you about those changes. I’ve been emailing you guys
conservatively 3-10 times a day for the past five weeks
keeping you updated on what’s new and exciting in Moviepass. We’ve kept you informed
about doing surcharges, not doing surcharges, letting
you see select movies, only letting you see
movies at select times, and our research is showing, that none of those strategies have worked, and you didn’t like them all. But that’s okay because if you try hard, and you never give up, and
you never stop running, they’ll never catch you. Just because something doesn’t work, doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. In an effort to address
these issues we’re unveiling a total overhaul of the Moviepass system. Now, to be clear, nobody is being kicked off their subscription. We won’t even let you
cancel your subscription, why would we kick you off! (laughs manically) Instead, we’re unveiling
a few new options, that should delight and
reward our loyal subscribers. [phone vibrating]
One sec, guys sorry. I have to take this, I’m so sorry. Hi, Dmitri, I’m getting
the money, I’m getting it. How’s Molly, is she okay? Oh, you put her on the phone. Molly? Hi, it’s Daddy, the men are all right? They’re not…? Good. Sweetie, you can’t
cancel your subscription. What if we gave people movies
to watch in their homes, like if we had retail locations and… – Blockbuster? How’s Blockbuster doing? What’s their market share? Are they doing good? Oh, shut up, shut up, shut
up, shut up, shut up, shut up. How about this? You wanna see a movie,
you wanna see a movie. Come to our office, I’ll
act out the movies for you. With the new Thespian pass, movies come alive in front of you. I just saw Crazy Rich
Asians, it was great. Give me a heads up, give me like, just tell me if your gonna
come like a week in advance, and I’ll do the whole thing for you, I’ll get costumes, I’ll get hats. It’ll be so fun! – Why? I’ll be all the crazy rich Asians. With Diamond Moviepass, you
get to fuck me, Jonathan Floor, CEO of Moviepass, as much as you want, as hard as you want, for two hours. It doesn’t have to be two hours. You can go longer if you
want, we can do it just… Oh, and you also can
see Mission Impossible. The original one, not the new one, we couldn’t make that happen. How about this, what about a
Moviepass that’s pay as you go, it like a la carte, right? So its between 8 dollars, 20 dollars, depending on where you live, what theater you’re
going to, the location, and you would just buy
individual Moviepasses from the theater ahead of the show. – Don’t. Just don’t, I’m hanging by a thread. And the thing I’m hanging
over, it’s bottomless. If I drop, I never hit
the bottom, do you get it? – Okay, do you wanna buy…shit, do you wanna buy a Moviepass? With the new Junior Mints Moviepass, see any movie you want, as long as you buy all the
junior mints at the theater. I know that’s a lot of
Junior Mints, right? But here’s the thing, if
you don’t like Junior Mints, that’s fine, throw ’em out, they’re yours to do with, what you will. – Oh, no no no, guys listen wait, you’re not being reasonable,
I’m gonna get the money, Wait, wait, wait, wait! Do you guys wanna buy a Moviepass? No, listen hey! Okay, new Moviepass! Rescue me and you can
see any movie you want! Hey internet citizens,
it’s me, Harry Pancake, the CEO of Tumblr. We’ve begun the difficult process of removing all adult
content from our platform. We know some of our users are
unhappy with this decision, but Tumblr’s a family company, and there’s so much of
what we do have to offer that is SFW, short for safe, fun, and wholesome. (laughs)
We’re still having fun, c’mon. Tumblr’s a vibrant space for artists, comedians, young activists, and many non-pornographic communities that make up our platform. Consider the thriving mascot
community we have here on Tumblr. These sports heads can’t get
enough of their teams’ mascots. If you spend any time at all scrolling under the furry hashtag, you’ll be wowed at their craftsmanship, ingenuity, and dedication… What am I looking at
here, Carm? ‘Cause that… So you’re telling me, I’m looking at this lion, I guess centaur, penetrating this lady koala from behind, that is not indicative of what the furry community is about, so- – What? Okay, so you’re telling me
that if I got to yif party. (vomits) – So the entire furry
community is just these foxes, and badgers, and
dragons all bangin’ each other? – Do you think that was my question? Was what the nomenclature
of these fuckin’– What is this frog doing with it’s nipples? How does this not violate our extremely clarified nipple policy? – The frogs got tits out to here Carmen! I’ve never seen bigger tits in my life! – Where? – Go to hell! Tumblr is about creativity, not smut. Look at the great fan created fiction that’s already on here. Sherlock Holmes as a High School Student, shared over 800,000 times. The Untold Adventures of Samwise and Frodo sharing a villa in the Tuscan countryside, how creative is that? Here, I want to read you a passage from one of my favorite
fan created fictions, Harry Potter and the
Wand of Impossible Girth. “But I don’t understand
Dobby, I gave you my sock, “why do you want the rest of my clothes?” Dobby gripped the tender
balls of the boy who lived and whispered, “Dobby is master now, “and Cornelius Fudge gets to watch”. I… Conservatively, what percentage
of our platform is porn? – 9 per cent? – 90? (screams) Martha, I’m not angry, I
just am trying to understand how this didn’t get to me. When I started this website,
I wanted it to be about buddies doing social media, that’s why I started the BDSM tag. Its full of what?! (groans) Well it can’t all be porn, okay! It can’t all be porn! There’s gotta be some
not porn on the platform. Activists, we have got young activists. Head over to socialists,
put up socialist Tumblr and I bet there’s… Cute, that’s real cute gang, so what? This is seizing the means of production? I will find it, I will
find the non porn, alright. Cooking, look this eggplant
is sprinkling water on a crying man, no. Family, okay, family values, thirsty stepsister needs a big — No, she doesn’t need that and
in fact, nobody needs that. Something boring, something boring. Craftsmanship, DIY. Here, watch a hydraulic press crush my quivering virgin asshole?! Why is everyone on the internet so horny?! Why is nobody obeying rule 34? Be polite! – Is there a different rule 34? – So you’re telling me
that if I put up anything, Bronson Pinchot, perfect strangers, straight guy first time
anal bareback than it… It’s 12 million results,
it’s 12 million results. That’s the real Bronson Pinchot. Well, he’s working. (moaning) Well I don’t understand what the octopus is getting out of any of this. And frankly the young woman
doesn’t look very happy either. And this is under the cartoons tag! Yabba Dabba Doo not search under there if you wanna just watch some Flintstones or something wholesome! Well, guess I’m the idiot right? Just a fool, wanted a website, some artsy photos of
rain, couple of bad poems, and a conversation format that was frankly impossible to follow. You took my dream and you stuffed it up with dicks and pussies and hard clits. – Really? – I beg your pardon? Freedom
of speech, heard of it? – Hey gang, Brennan here, if you dig College Humor and
wanna support what we do, sign up for Dropout for the cost of a very big dumpling per month, you’ll get videos like
this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the dropout discord and exclusive contents
such as Dimension 20. – There are no stupid Christians. – Are you my freaking dad? (laughs) So sign up for your free trial today. Or don’t, you know, do
what you think is right, I’m not trying to tell
you how to live your life, I don’t even know you,
that would be crazy. It was wrong of me to tell you what to do, I’m sorry and that’s on me. I’m ruining the CTA?

100 thoughts on “A Message From Your Favorite CEOs.

  1. "i just wanted to bring the right and the left together, were so divided, and you hired all these liberal lunatics"

    there ya go, translated it for you.

  2. I wonder how brennon is going to look back on this in 10 years and realizes he just called a bunch of people racist… Who aren't… Well i heard a bunch of "woke" journalists are getting fired because they are willing to sacrifice journalistic integrity, lie, and insight violence against people just to push their agenda… So maybe less than 10 years.

    However brennon… Your awesome, even though i contantly am reminded that everyone at college humor probly assume im not a good person

  3. It's funny that identity politics is so pervasive now, that not conforming to its stupid ideology is seen as "insane"

  4. I'd like to believe there's a therapy group consisting of these CEO's, the agent, the jeggings teacher, Google, and the fandom therapists and the therapist knows he can't help them and is just draining them of all the money they have left

  5. Brennan is seriously perfect. Perfection incarnate. Nothing is wrong with him, as a human being. He should be president 2020.

  6. Rewatching this for the 12th time or so. "pledge week at the reichstag" is still probably the best line out of this glorious leader's mouth

  7. Definitely don't do ANY drug while watching this. The laughter bursts are guaranteed to make you mess your paraphernalia up. You have been warned

  8. Why does the CEO of moviepass sounds a bit like jontron sometimes
    Also they should have the CEO of EA be one of the CEOs in this series. Either that or Bethesda

  9. So I can't figure out why, but I'm convinced Brennan was involved with the vastly underrated Video Game High School series…….is that true or am I mixing him up with somebody else?

  10. "Do you think that was my question? What the nomenclature of these fucking…"

    God, if I saw a co-worker get roasted like that I would piss myself.

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