Laughter is the Best Medicine

Accidentally Marching in a Protest – Chloe Hilliard – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

– Let me tell you something,
I grew up in New York, and I thought that New
York was the bee’s knees. You know, that’s what happens,
you live in a big city, you think everything
else is shitty, right? But now I’m older, I have different tastes and expectations for my quality of life. Now when I travel America, I get jealous, like oh my God, you got
air and sun out here? Look at this! (audience laughing) Y’all got Walmarts open 24 hours? Look at this! That’s what I love about Walmart, being a city girl, ’cause they
have so much random stuff. And they put things next to each other to convince you to buy all of it. You go to Walmart, like, I’m only here for some iced tea, and this
hand grenade, look at that! (audience laughing) I didn’t even know I needed a hand grenade ’til I got thirsty, thank you. That’s the problem with America,
we have too much excess. Too much, we have too
much stuff to choose from. And I’m dealing with
like a generational clash in my own house, I feel
like the old lady now ’cause my brother’s 15
years younger than me. I live with a millennial, alright? I’m 38, he’s 23. Every day I wish I dropped him. (audience laughing) Every day he makes me feel
like I’m a bad person. He’s always checking me about things that I didn’t know were now out of vogue. One day he walks into the living room, he has on a peach T-shirt, he goes, Chloe, what do you think about this shirt? Is it too feminine? I’m like, no, it’s a
regular peach T-shirt. He goes, trick question, gender’s fluid. Get out of my house! (audience laughing and clapping) I didn’t sign up for
this, do you understand? (audience laughing) That is cultural entrapment,
you can’t trip me up on something I didn’t know was out of… Another day he walks in,
we’re having a conversation, he was like, I’m going to
this bar around the corner. And I know that this bar is a gay bar, so I was like, oh, look
at you going to a gay bar. That’s so progressive. He goes, Chloe, uh-uh, uh-uh,
we don’t say gay anymore. We say queer. Now, I feel like a old
lady, ’cause I grew up with queer being a derogatory term. You didn’t call somebody queer unless you was ready to fight. So now I’m puzzled (audience laughing) ’cause I’m looking at my 23
year old millennial brother like, where did you broke
motherfuckers get their PR budget (audience laughing) to spin this word around,
do you understand? He makes me feel like a bad person. And I know I’m a good
person, I’m a good person. I give to charity. Alright, in my mind, in my mind. (audience laughing) You ever see a commercial, you be like, bing, bing, bing, $10, there you go. (audience laughing) I’ma be honest with y’all, I don’t march. I don’t go out there and march. I’m too tall to march, I’m 6’1″. I’m head and shoulders above most people, that’s just two rubber
bullets to the dome. I don’t want that. (audience laughing) I don’t want that. No thank you, you know? Then they start throwing tear gas, it’s just gonna rise up to my nostrils. I’m lactose intolerant, I
can’t even put milk in my eyes. No thank you. I’m not protesting over whatever the goofy bullshit of
the day is, I’m sorry. I’m a native New Yorker,
I’ve done my fair share of protests, don’t look
at me like that, okay? ‘Cause in New York you just turn a corner, end up in some shit like,
what we protesting today? Dolphins? What are we, mammoths? What are we upset about? I don’t, I’m just trying
to go to the drugstore and get my Plan B, I didn’t know. (audience laughing) I’m on my own mission, thank you. (audience laughing) That’s why we’re going
through so much politically. Everybody’s just trying to fix everything will all of these like,
grandiose ideas, you know? And I want to support Kamala, Kamala? Camel-a, Kamala Harris? She’s only half black, I just gotta get half of her name right. (audience laughing) The Harris part, I got the Harris part. Kamala, Kamala Harris. She came up with this new idea for debt forgiveness
for student loan debt. But it’s so hard, it’s so complicated. You gotta fill out paperwork,
you gotta start a business in a underprivileged,
underserved neighborhood. That’s work. First of all, that’s
how we got student debt in the first place, signing
shit we didn’t read. You just was like, what, how
much is the interest rate? Fuck ya, I’m going to
college, screw y’all, woo-hoo! First day on campus, I went into debt, I got a dumbass credit card for a Frisbee. You think I’m of any use? It was like, this APR’s pretty hot. I was like, give me that fucking Frisbee. I don’t give a shit. How long will it be in my credit report? I can have this Frisbee
for like three years, that’s three good years of Frisbee-ing. (audience laughing) I still have student loan debt, I do. I graduated 20 years
ago, I graduated college. Yeah, 20 years ago. No, that’s not true. A long time ago I graduated college. (audience laughing) Clearly I didn’t study math. But I’m just saying, I
still have student loan debt after all these years, right? And my thing is like, I
don’t ever wanna pay it off. Like that’s my F you to college. Like I hope this Earth burns down before I get a zero balance
on my student loans. You understand me? I wanna see a asteroid come and I’ll be like, fuck
you bursar’s office! Never paying that debt
off to the last dime. I want the balance on my tombstone. (audience laughing) Stupid, why are we paying, it’s dumb. It’s so dumb to pay for that. Listen, I understand
when college first came, that was how you told people that they were not like
everybody else, you know? Like, oh, you’re too dumb,
you can’t go to college. You can’t afford it, you know? But then everybody was like, no, we on the same playing field. It was like, alright, let’s
just fuck up their credit for the rest of their life so you can’t get a house
but you got a degree. I’d rather have a house
and be dumb as shit. Do you understand? I got a degree in journalism, it’s useless, people don’t read. (audience laughing) They don’t read. I was a journalist for over 10 years, and even my own family was
like, the pictures are nice. I’m like, I didn’t take
the fucking pictures! (audience laughing and clapping)

37 thoughts on “Accidentally Marching in a Protest – Chloe Hilliard – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

  1. She is so on point about Walmart! 😂😂😂 student loan: “I want the balance on my tombstone!” I’m rolling! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

  2. Please do not mess with the 5th,4th, 3rd and 1st Amendments to protect the 2nd by asking Big Tech to spy on us or enacting Red Flag laws. Protect all the Amendments. Other then that, President Trump is doing a fantastic job. BTW Socialism is not the save all answer, aswell.

  3. …check out the hilarious new comedy series The F*CK BOY Chronicles on my channel. Subscribe & Share!

  4. Did you guys seriously just edit the clip you put up last week and reupload it?? the video you posted before is already highlighted from a video where you put together new stand up. There like maybe 2-3 minutes of "new" comedy added to this but it feels like you just are trying to cash in on her.

  5. It’s refreshing to finally see a female comic who doesn’t resort to jokes about her crotch! She is hilarious!

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