Laughter is the Best Medicine

Ali Siddiq – Mitchell – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

– I don’t give a fuck about my
my mama’s tears.
What I care about is this. I was in the fucking vestibule
area with my balls lifted up squatted, letting this fucking
child predator look at me. This is what I’m fucking focused
on. I’m killin’ Mitchell, and I
already put it in my mind. [engine revs][dark electronic music]♪ [mouthing words] [gunshot] [heart beating] [roars] [gunshots] [growls] [roars] [growls] [roars] [cheers and applause] – I’m super excited to have this
guy back–he told my favorite story ever on this show. You guys are gonna love him. Give it up for
Mr. Ali Siddiq, everybody. Let him hear it. [cheers and applause]– This is what happenswhen you take a 19-year-old boy,
and put him in prison. This is what happens. Now, I’m 21 at the time,
but I just settled in to the prison now;
been there for a while. But in prison, you have
things that you’re very particular about. Like, I told my celly, “Hey, no
peeing standing up “in this cell. You have to sit down and pee.” Because of this. I pray on the floor, and so if
you urinate, you splash urine all over the
place, I’ma kill you. [laughter] All right, just setting the
tone. So you start to develop certain
type of phobias about things. I developed this phobia when I
first got to this place called diagnostics in prison. It’s a–it’s basically slavery. It’s, like, a bunch of fences. You in one fence. It’s, like–it’s a space for,
like, 80 people, but they ram, like, 200 people
in this space, and you just trying to get your
space. You don’t want nobody behind
you. You don’t want nobody’s butt in
front of you. You just want to maintain your
space. So that’s the first–the first
little cage, and you have on clothes, so they
move you to the second cage, and they tell you to take off
all your clothes. Now you naked with the same
bunch of people smashed in, so now you back trying to get
your space. You don’t want nobody behind
you. Don’t want nobody in front of
you. Trying to get your space. Dude–we all naked, so dude come
over and talk to me and say, “Hey, man, what’s going on?
What you in here for?” “Hey, dude, get the fuck away
from me. I’m naked, and you in my space.” [laughter] So I’m not really comfortable
being naked with a– a plethora
of men–I’m not–that’s not where I’m at with my life. [laughter] So…movin’ forward, now I’m in
prison, and I remember somethin’ my uncle told me: he
said, “You never wanna be naked in
prison. “You buy some shorts off
commissary, and they can’t make you take off the shorts ’cause
the shorts are not contraband.” Cool. I’ve been having these
shorts– this was my first purchase. A lot of people purchase other
things on commissary, soup and food. I bought a pair of white shorts,
$7.00. Best purchase
I’ve made in prison. [laughter] So I wear these shorts every
day–even if I wear my boxers, I wear the shorts on under my
boxers ’cause I already know any time, you can be strip searched,
and I know the rules, ’cause I was the fire and safety
clerk, you see. Let me tell you, fine–it’s
power. I know everything about this
prison, ’cause I worked for Scarborough, which is the fire
and safety man. I’m the fire and safety clerk,
so I don’t want nobody fucking with me, stripping down,
nothing. So most of the time, I’m a–I’m
a well-respected young guy in this prison, ’cause I’ve been
here since I was 19, now I’m 21, and I’m just
gaining my stripes. Officers respect me,
cause I’m respectable. And I’m so respectable that
officers don’t do this. When they call–there’s this
thing they call chow time. That’s when people run out the
door to go eat like fucking cattle. I said, “Hey, don’t talk to me
like that. I’m a civilized human being.” And the officers were like, “Oh,
chow time.” Then they’d turn around, “Ali,
excuse me, lunch for you.” I’m like, “Thank you, sir.” [laughter] ‘Cause I’m very civilized. So now, I’m–I’m about to become
uncivilized because there’s an officer named Mitch–
it’s always somebody– when a bunch of people like you,
it’s always somebody who doesn’t like you, and they’re
trying to prove a point. So Mitchell sees me, and let me
tell you who Mitchell look like. Mitchell looked the dude–what’s
the dude, Flanders, on “The Simpsons”? Who’s always like a fucking
pedophile to me, always. So I’m comin’ through, for no
random reason, Mitchell pulls me over in this area–
I’m on building eight, is where I stay at, and
it’s a high traffic area– the vestibule area. He stops me in the fuckin’
vestibule area, and say, “Hey, I think you have some
contraband. “I’m gonna shake you down.”
I’m like, “Yo, Mitchell, I just “came from necessities, I don’t
have no fuckin’ contraband. Get the fuck out of here.” You know, and put your hands
down while you’re talking to me, ’cause you supposed to stay
three feet away from me, ’cause you know I’m the fucking
fire and safety clerk, so don’t fucking break the
rules. [laughter] So he say, “Well, I’m gonna
strip search you.” I’m like, no, you’re not–
not in this high traffic area–no, you’re not, sir.
So he calls the rest of these other officers around, some
fucking rookies that don’t know me, and and he’s
like, “Yo, you gonna have to take off your clothes.” So I took off all of their white
shit–their clothes. Gave it to him–nothing.
I got my shorts on. I’m standin’ there. He say, “You’re gonna have to
take them shorts off.” I say, “That’s not the rules,
Mitchell, not the rules.” [laughter] And now I’m getting a little–
a little heated about this, because I know I have a problem
with being naked in the fucking hallway, and I
know that I have a problem with this, and I’m trying to get
Mitchell to understand. “Mitchell, this is not gonna be
good.” [laughter] “Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell.” I’m trying to explain to
Mitchell, “Mitchell…” so he gets all the rest of these
officers around. The captain comes up and says,
“I can’t go against my officer– “he say you got contraband.
You gonna have to get naked.” I say, “Captain, if I get naked
in this hallway, in front “of all these people comin’
in and out…” and I turned right to Mitchell and looked at
him in his eyes and said, “This ain’t gonna
be good, Mitchell.” [laughter] “Because I don’t give a shit
about goin’ home at this point. “I came here with 15 years,
Mitchell, I wanna do these “little 15 years and go home.
But if you make me get naked “in this motherfuckin’
vestibule area…” [laughter] So they got all these officers
around me, and I done threatened this man
with the easiest way I can threaten him without getting
sent to cell. I said, “Mitchell, this ain’t
gonna be good, brother.” So long story short,
I end up naked, and I’m pissed. I’m naked and I’m bald-headed,
and then he takin’ me through this bullshit: “Run your
fingers through your hair.” [laughter] “Open your mouth.” “I’ve been talking this whole
time. “If something was in my mouth,
Mitchell, it’d have been fell out.” “Open your mouth.” “Lift up your balls.” “Squat.” Let me explain what he just did:
I went to prison for a nonviolent case,
drug dealing. What he just turned me into was a violent young man at 21. Because you made me
cough and squat for no fuckin’ reason, other than that you wanted
see me, in my mind. So now I’m–I got tears in my
eyes, and people are walking past. Other prisoners are walking
past, and they looking at Mitchell like, “Mitchell…” [laughter] “This ain’t gonna be good.” [laughter] So for eight months, I been
planning on killin’ Mitchell. [laughter] Like, I done wrote my mama this
coded–this coded letter lettin’ her know that her son
ain’t comin’ home no mo’. I told–this is what I wrote in
the letter. I said, “Mama, prison is like
judicial slavery. I just figured this out,
and I’m Nat Turner.” [laughter] You had to know about history to
know. Y’all will figure it out. [laughter] And my mom writes me a letter
back like, “Just chill,” and she about a face with tears
on the face, and I’m, like, looking–I don’t even, like, I
don’t give a fuck about my mama’s tears. What I care about is this. I was in the fucking vestibule
area with my balls lifted up squatted, fucking coughing,
letting this fucking child predator look at me. This is what I’m fucking focused
on. I’m killin’ Mitchell, and I
already put it in my mind– It’s done.
[laughter] So I done told two people. I told two people, Allamine–his name is Leslie
Davis– and Mustapha. I don’t know Mustapha’s name,
’cause I was so terrified of Mustapha, I never wanted to
ask him his real name, ’cause then what happens? Somebody bust him for something
else in prison, then I know is real name, then
it’s back on me. Didn’t want to know. [laughter] So I told Mustapha–Mustapha was
like, “Yeah, that was foul what
Mitchell did.” Mustapha been here for
27 years–if I kill somebody, I know he down.
[laughter] Allamine got 50 years,
he ain’t goin’ nowhere. I plan on spendin’
the rest of my life with Allamine and Mustapha–
[laughter] ’cause I’m gonna kill Mitchell.
I already know this. [laughter] Don’t know how, but, like anything in my life, somethin’ is gonna break.
This dude–I’m comin’ from eatin’, this dude say,
“Hey, ‘Li.” I said, “What’s up, man?” He say, “You know Mitchell
is working the 4 gate.” I said, “What?”
Now my job in–in prison, I haven’t been happy about
nothin’ in a long time. The man told me that he was
working 4 gate, I got fuckin’ excited. Let me tell you what 4 gate is. 4 gate is the gate to closed
custody. I live on 8 building. You got to go to 4 building if
you going to closed custody. When you come around the corner
in 4 building, it’s, like, you’ve got to come past the
cafeteria, and then it’s the main building
this way, and then it’s this little side hallway, and you
can’t see anybody until you come around that
corner. And Mitchell was at a gate
around that corner, which is a good–he’s not gonna
make it if I get to him. He’s not gonna make it. [laughter] And then it’s that gate, and
then it’s the gate to 4 building, so it’s a long way to
get to him, then it’s another long way to
get to that door. I got a plan. I’ma just run and just fucking
just try to get through that gate and just stab Mitchell, but
that’s stupid; that’s stupid. So… [laughter] I go back to my cell, and I’m sitting up trying to map
out a plan on how I can fucking kill this dude. And then I hear, “Get ready
to go to 4 building.” I look out my cell door–it’s a
dude that got in trouble, now he’s gettin’ sent
to 4 building. He has this big, white bucket
with all this shit in it, and I say, “Hey, you going to 4
building?” He say, “Yeah.” I say, “Let me carry
your mattress for you.” He say,
“Cool, I need some help.” I go upstairs, get my knife,
put my–strap my shit on me, boom–I got a big-ass mattress
over my shoulder, so you can’t see my face.
He’s rollin’ the bucket, mattress over me,
come around the building, and I’m so fucking excited,
’cause I’m going to kill Mitchell, and I’m gonna drink a
sip of his blood, ’cause I fucking hate him that
bad. [laughter] When they find me, I’ma be like,
“Yeah,” Mitchell on my… I’m–I’m–oh, can’t fucking
wait. Oh, I’m so violent.
I can’t wait. So I got this knife, and I got
this mattress, and this dude–and man, this
dude, he has no idea what’s gonna happen. He’s–he’s accessory to this
crime, and he is so unaware. He’s just rollin’–he rollin’
his bucket talking about his family, man. “It’s fucked up. My family ain’t
gonna get to visit me.” I’m like, “Good.
Mine ain’t either.” [laughter] So we coming around the
building. We coming past the fucking chow
hall, and I’m just getting more and
more excited, ’cause this is gonna be a good
one. Somebody apparently tells,
’cause Allamine’s looking for me, apparently. He’s like, “Yo, where Ali at?” He said, “Ali, helped old boy
move to 4 building.” And Mustapha–’cause I get this
all–the backstory– Mustapha said, “Yeah, he going
to 4 building.” And Leslie–Allamine–say, “Hey,
man, I think Mitchell on 4 building.” Mustapha say, “Mitchell on 4
building? Man, let’s go get this boy,
’cause he gonna kill Mitchell.” [laughter] Now, and it’s complicated,
’cause they got to get out of 8 building first. You got to get out of 8
building. You got to get–bust out your
part, come out of 8 building. I’m thinking I’m good. I’ve got enough time to commit
this murder and hopefully get away with it
after I sip his blood. [laughter] Boom. So we coming around the corner. The dude has the bucket. He’s going through. Mitchell opens the gate. And I’m like, yes, but he don’t
see me. He can’t see me, ’cause I have
the mattress over my shoulder. And as the bucket goes through
the gate, it’s–the path is clear. All I got to do is wait for that
bucket to get out the way, then Mitchell will be standing
at the edge of that gate. I can walk
through my mattress and just fuckin’ start stabbing
Mitchell uncontrollably. [laughter] This is what I’m thinking. I got it planned out in my head. I’m dead serious. So I come–I’m right there
and, as soon as I fuckin’ get to where I can see Mitchell,
Allamine and Mustapha come around the fuckin’
hallway and say, “Ali!” And I turn and look,
and Mitchell sees me and slams the gate and tells me to put the mattress
down. He can take his own mattress. “Put the mattress down.” And I’m standing there
lookin’ at him. Say, “Hey, Mitch.”
And he just say, “Put the mattress down.” I slid the mattress
off of my shoulder, I say, “You have a good day, Mitchell.” And just the fuckin’ terror
in his eyes… [laughter] And I know he shit on hisself
just a little bit… [laughter] Was enough for me,
and I just walked away real slow and didn’t break eye contact
until I got to Allamine. [laughter][dark electronic music]

100 thoughts on “Ali Siddiq – Mitchell – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

  1. Ready to rumble? Check out the craziest fight stories from This Is Not Happening here:

  2. Seeing people get violent against staff in prison is not funny. Mitchell should have been fired or transferred. To strip someone like that seems out of policy. Two people in a private place is the norm.

  3. Man, that is fucked up. Taking away a man's dignity for a nonviolent, consensual business deal. Messed up. I feel sorry for this man, he shouldn't have had to go through that.

  4. ive never been through anything quite like this, but i did a little time in jail..i remember first getting in and having to take all my clothes off twice, in front of other dudes, and having to lift my sack up, and literally stand over a mirror on the floor, and crouch down so they could see up my ass hole. but i mean we all know to some extent, what were in for when we break the law. every decision has a consequence..and bad decisions only have good outcome for a limited time. you get away with it once or twice or whatever, but youll keep doing it, and youll get caught eventually..and youll end up in jail. and youll do whatever they tell you..unless youd rather stay locked up

  5. If you're mad at Mitchell, just imagine what black people had to go through with slavery! A whole country full of Mitchells! And many of them still are to this day!

  6. So y'all sat there and laughed at a man contemplating taking another man's life. He's a great story teller, he brought us into the situation with his detail, but I didn't see the comedy in that. A man was purposely violated by an officer and the man was pushed to the point he wanted to take the officer's life and just by chance the opportunity to throw his life away by doing so was taken away from him, thankfully.

    I didn't see a thing funny about it but a room full of white people did……

  7. Mitchell was a dirty MF. He wasnt trying to do his job,he just wanted to humiliate him. I'm so happy Ali is here to tell us his story

  8. This was a funny story, but the fact that prison had briefly turned him into not just a killer, but one capable of playing the long game. The takeaway here is that prison is not for rehabilitation

  9. I've had to watch this video a few times. In 2013 I got out and just a few months ago I saw this. The Flanders part is what resonates the most. So Mitchell was really like that. He would strip search us and say shit like, "I wanna see what your daddy gave ya". He came to my unit, Bradshaw in 2012. He worked the commissary window then one day pops out as a sergeant on the bowling alley. (walkway) he loved to enforce all the small shit like no clothes lines and stuff and study your beard growth. He loosened up after being on my unit as on private units we get rowdy and cuss out guards as they are too lazy to write cases. And they run their mouth like him. Big difference between private and state prisons.

  10. Best๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿปstoryteller๐Ÿ‘๐ŸปEVER๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป!! Lmao

  11. this guy is scary and funny at the same time.. but hes more funny than he is scary… so it cancels the scary ๐Ÿ˜€

  12. Not one single part of that was funny.
    He explained, point by point, who, why and how he was going to kill someone in cold blood and these fools laughed.
    This doesn't belong on a comedy channel and those that laughed don't belong in civilised society.
    Must be Americans.

  13. Thank You Ali. I hope your stories open peopleโ€™s eyes to a truth thatโ€™s invisible to them. Iโ€™m sorry you experienced these terrible things. But Iโ€™m so thankful youโ€™re giving victims of the prison system a voice.

    Iโ€™m sending a prayer out to the Universe. I pray your tomorrows are better than your yesterdays and that your life be full of love, peace, and joy.

  14. salute from Stockton Cali ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ

  15. "I'm going to take a sip of his blood…" When he sipped an imaginary cup then licked his fingers, I died… ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  16. Ali would be a better scared straight speaker than a comedian. good for him trying to get his life back on track but unless your part of the 1% attempted murder isn't funny.

  17. Hope Mitchell saw this and realize how close he got to getting stabbed to death just because he was too much of a piece of garbage to leave a model prisonner be.

  18. I don't understand why these people are laughing. This story is so sad. The humiliation, degradation and dehumanization. Trying to make sense in an insane environment. He is so fortunate he didn't do what he planned. I wonder if Mitchell heard this story. He should know he almost died.

  19. He's a great storyteller the way he told his story I listen and heard every word he said and I understood where he was coming from because l wanted to kill Mitchell and I didn't even know the guy I just hate Injustice..

  20. That officer went out of his way to dehumanize this man.
    I guess to bring Ali down to the level he slithered at.
    It was hard to look at his face while he relived that humiliation.
    Mustafa and other dude will have their reward……
    and Mitchell will too.

  21. These white people laughing at something that is not only indicative of what black men go through in prison, but something that is actually very serious. Siddiq did not one single joke during this storytelling, yet these white people busting a gut laughing about the time a young black man was humiliated by a white prison officer and planned his murder before his friends helped him avert a tragedy. And not one single white person understood the fact that they are literally laughing at someone's story of humiliation and near miss.

    Marinate on that for a second; white people still find black pain entertaining.

  22. the best advice I ever heard is …donโ€™t threaten anybody, Mitchel could have had him searched and found that knife and added a few more years to his sentence.

  23. I stopped video and went got popcorn. The best storyteller. Iโ€™m glad he was able to turn all this into something that make him happy, comedy.

  24. Muslim from UK, i just want ti add that i havent been to prison but when i was 19 i was searched for 'drugs' when they found none they said they were authorised a strip search on me.. i panicked and didnt know how to react so i complied because i knew i was innocent. When i got to the station they put me in an imterviewing room and 4 officers MADE me take everything off, forced me to do the ball lift, squat and cough.. it wasnt pleasant, at all. I felt violated and it did effect me in ways i hadn't really thought about.

    I now know that if i was a whiteman with an English name, i wouldn't have experienced that for no reason, they were bullies and i hope they never get the chance to do that to anyone else.

    I fucking hate ALL police!!

  25. being a prison guard cannot possibly be an easy job, but what can we do to get better people to do it. Is it as easy as better pay? wouldn't that be well spent money?

  26. makes me wonder how many potential comedians went through with killing their Mitchell and ended up getting life or something

  27. Damn, this ain't funny. It's creepy, only a man who went to jail can tell you how serious this is. All those details are real!

  28. bruh this set has so much pain in it. at 8:45 you can see this brother wipe a tear from his face. much love and respect to this guy..

  29. This too emotional for me…thank God for real friends. Amazing way to thank alimin and Mustapha coz this story will live even after they gone.

  30. I was locked up for five years and it is really only the young black guys that get worst in prison they are just so accepting of peer pressure. The young Mexicans are all bravado they want people to think they are the shit when they so dumb. And the young Asians are quiet. Now the old ones are all the same they are tired of the shit like the two dudes that stopped him from killing Mitchell .

  31. The best comedians/comediennes are the ones whoโ€™ve been through the most horrific situations. He makes it funny, but I got a little teary eyed. ๐Ÿ˜ญ

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *