You know, I think I used to be a much different comic before I had the baby. I used to do a lot more jokes about sucking dick and my pussy. But now not as many jokes about Sucking dick and my pussy because I don’t suck dick no more. When you give birth to a baby When you give birth to a baby
they hand you a diploma that says they hand you a diploma that says “Congratulations.” “You’ve earned the right to not suck dick” “out of obligation anymore.” If my husband were to demand that I suck his dick I would laugh in his face. And then I would go to sleep, and guess what? In the morning, he’s still there ain’t no consequence. We’re handcuffed together by a baby and a mortgage. Checkmate, bitch. It’s over. You ain’t got nowhere to run. I don’t gotta suck your dick anymore you owe me money! And I don’t do as many jokes about my pussy anymore because my pussy is gone. It’s gone. Physically it’s quite intact because I had the C-section but emotionally and spiritually: Ghost in the Shell. Ghost in the Shell— Ghost in the Shell—
it’s an Asian character being played b y Scarlett Johansson! it’s an Asian character being played b y Scarlett Johansson! My husband and I, we don’t fuck no more. We just jack off side-by-side while we fantasize about Puerto Rican people. I don’t have the energy to climb on top of him, clean up after sex put that towel on the bed to absorb that post-sex wet spot. You know, that perfectly round-ass wet spot on the bed that gets all cold in the winter time. It’s like an ice fishing hole. Because it smells like penguins. And is narrated by Morgan Freeman. Alright, I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night everybody. Thank you.