Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Amy Schumer Women Who Kill 2013 | Amy Schumer Stand Up Comedian Special


Amy Thank you. Thank you so much for being here to be a part of tonight is amazing Welcome is so cool to get to do a show not only with four women, but with three of my best friends So thank you for being a part of tonight give yourselves a hand I’m dressed up. I know this dress makes me look Frightened and it looks like this, but you know dressed for the job that you want People always assume that I’m shallow because I’m really pretty But I’m really not I’m not shallow at all like the guy. I’m seeing right now isn’t even good-looking I’m serious. No one’s ever like smooth pads or like what happens is he? Ill should we call someone I just I’ve never cared about that stuff You know and he’s so rich that Doesn’t come up a boy can’t hear him with the bag. Why I? briefly I’ve been thinking about getting some work done to him and I think I’m Gonna do it Now he’s really cute. He looks like one of the guys from the hills have eyes Now the truth is I right now. I’m going through a breakup. Well. He doesn’t know yet. Technically. I’m just cheating on him but weird I just threw my just fearless surprise party It wasn’t his birthday, but I wanted like a really fun way to telling me at HPV So surprise you a super surprise Your are like, Oxycontin I Just went to La has anyone ever had their self-esteem lower Wow, that place will ruin your life. They’re like anil is 30 pounds to play the fat friend. I was like great Okay, you guys don’t like cellulite on the face here Everybody was hot there the only guy who came close to hitting on me was this dude from Georgia like the Inbred not the country and He walked up. He’s wearing overalls and a sailor had but I’m like who am I to judge right? Like maybe he’s got a boat somewhere, and it needs a paintin This water here right, but guy the piece is weird. I got stung by a jellyfish My first orly stuff, so the guy was peeing on me told me Remember nothing in the water, but I’m not a doctor not a doctor I Pme, Ocean views were just good girls licking me. I do whatever one there. It’s real Good for you. I do all this minute, but I go in his ankle teeth Sound like I’m a fountain So amazing for Li. I’m 19 I’m in my late 20s like as late as you can be near 20 and I Talked to my friend. I was like I’m noticing lines. You know on my face, and she’s like we’ll just stop using is so much What you mean ah because we’ll look this isn’t wine last now. Oh My God, yes, Bobby what? It’ll look like I’m dying right crazy My great-Grandma’s inside. He actually died in my arms as I was choking her and Now she was a million years old like it was crazy. She was still alive like she looks like the Crypt keeper You know in the turtle from neverending story? She’d get our hair done once a week, but you call it getting a blowjob early retirements awesome But we got to do something really special Before her organs started failing one by one do you know the show? antiques Roadshow You know if you’re a stoner, you know that Joe okay? How much is a lab, or ah? He loves it He loves it, so I got to bring her to a taping you know to see what I could go for and 50 bucks we thought you for the gargoyle really scary bit I get confused by the title of reality show you don’t want to know what I thought survivor was about a beer – I Bag I’m a jew are there any yeah? Crazy for New York. I just watched our homeland. Have you have been to Miami I? replayed Yeah, lastly. Everybody was kind up there – and everything’s hot here well, you know not like here here But now that’s lee’s any of these things in Miami, and you’ve seen them a little um cuban people if you blink you’ll miss them I’m probably their tiny pussy folks applaud us I Met my first Cuban nine ladies listen this guy’s name City song How hot is on right? Okay? Ain’t a name is ed. You 311 I don’t give a shit Like what do we have to go to abusive hair now? Join that’s like something. I don’t know we’ll figure it out. Oh here Human and away, men ten. We’re at the hotel restaurant, and I was just like trying to order breakfast you know day I was having carbs very rare and I’m like – I’m a corn muffin. You know the waitress. She’s like Oh that guy Just got the last one we only have chocolate chip lesson plan so stays our here’s the honey comes over. He’s like Excuse me You could take a corn Muffin I would have the shelf machine When we help you in this guy, you know, we’re not allowed to trade with you fuckers Not up to me people always think because I’m a white female that I don’t deal with Racism and I film but I Saw the movie jungle Fever I get it. You know I? love Black-And-white movies, but now I suppose I Totally dealt with racism growing up I grew up I was like the only deal in my town the kids were so mean they didn’t call me amy schumer. They called me amy schumer Thank you, ma’am, wow And one summer I’ll never forget they also turned throwing handfuls of pennies at me I’m like excuse me. It is awesome. Oh my God Like a wealthy the goonies of Lehman Beginning at not tails. I was like But I’m cool with all races all religions like what what are you? I? Would not my FAv Korean the Puerto Rican and you’re talking gorgeous Why are all these like gorgeous mixed girls you have to be two things to be amazing now? You look like the most beautiful ally, and I’ve ever seen in my life Everything Mazda’s finger you Can you believe you can say finger on TV? Thank you. It means the world it means the girl No, you don’t like it no, but I really add an all races religions of why I love New York like I’m on the Subway the other day and There’s this little old woman sitting next to me you know they get like really little and old You know like she look like a raisin. I look Watching my cereal Got in there Thank you, I Mean we all shrink like my mom’s shrinking. I’m like why are you complaining? Osteoporosis is so cute on you look at that. I Keep finding a milk from our own money uglier figurine bitch, but This woman. I mean she was like in downward dog. I was like why is your spine asking a question oh Sometimes God gets it wrong. So out of nowhere Chance me. She was like have you heard the good news So I have no idea what she’s talking about. I’m just like no like is the morning-after pill over-the-counter again like what a lot of us such as when I write, so Kyle is No really another planet um I’m like what is this good news, you know fill me in Blanche, and she was like no She explained like she was inviting me to her church She’s trying to save me and I was like oh, man. I’m so sorry But my people are Jewish She was like well, that’s okay here people Haven’t found jesus yet And I’m like oh my we found him Maybe you vener the bad news So you think as a lawyer clapping I? I just went to amsterdam has anyone ever made a mistake Did you go the road my existence? You did did you get a process map? yes, you did good for you isaac you but I just made early tickle my arm and tell me I’m better than money well spent Who’s this break us? I’m beginning to set up a lot my friend my new friend Set me up with this guy and she warned me she was like He’s really cool, but he has Tourette’s oh I was like that’s fine in my head. I was like We went out and it really was fine it wasn’t it wasn’t bad at all you know and I was feeling comfortable and halfway through the day and then during a blackout and So I’m like Evan what makes you tick progress Nobody was cool. And we did we wound up having sex and there was like yelling of racial slurs Swinging and spitting, and he honestly didn’t seem to mind so it this time of year I get seasonally slutty and they’re Like do you think I’m completely insane? I am a good person normal natural like I don’t even bleach anything except my asshole and I Pi Diet. I that I Am any proud of me. I’m a good person. I was raised Well my mom teaches the deaf and I volunteer every summer at the special Olympics has anyone ever competed Yeah So I love it. I love it. It’s like the kid They just think that it’s like the olympics you know tries to explain to that like hey guys. It’s not This Sr. Was impossible because they’re all like the Michael phelps look like us, and I’m like oh He is a hell of a drug All right back to me King like I was Now this relationship. I’m in is Dustin. I’m telling you. It’s so over like He’s like really religious. He’s catholic. You know so he feels like really guilty right after sex So I pretend like I feel guilty too much really that maybe you should go home What do they think we want to be housed all night? No? I like sleeping by myself like a swastika. I’m just like It’s all upon this oh God. He’s great. He’s a very neat for a boy You know like he always cleans up his mess right away. No matter where he gets it on me Can’t just panic. So he’s like no wetback. I’m like hey Till you would be Back in the kitchen. This is not going to do themself, but This product you’re attractive. I requested an ugly ugly audience Especially the front round they look at your ear gorgeous you guys together how long? know how long ago What in here is my life? You’re so cute. What’s your name? Grayson okay No, like you’re adorable like I wouldn’t even report you if you day raped me like looking for a sin right what I am You guys can’t see it, but even the guys would be excited. Well, I would report you, but just like you with the lineup Is that how you guys matter? Now this is shit Grace and God That’s why they need google in the delivery room right So when your mom was like, I’m going to name him Greyson Google shows up, and says did you mean? Thank you good to be here. I’ve had sort of a weird week I went to some strange dates recently I went out with this guy, and he took off his coat and he had like pronounced him now I don’t care for guys like 20 or 30 pounds overweight, but I don’t people love to it I Think that’s really all I ask or just don’t come to our date with a Willowy childbearing frame I’ll kick your fat butt. I don’t look knocked up that’s going to confuse me I Do have a hard time meeting guys. I’m on the road a lot. Which is hard I’m just working in vegas recently and I was laying by the pool and I saw this guy walk up from pretty far away I could already tell me what to do. She was one of those guys like a there’s a douche My favorite type. She’s kind of like a young day racing junk. You know those guys like You don’t like you just graduated from rates tax or some shit His name was Chad you know And he walks up community goes you sort of so drunk that he was kind of gently Swaying which I always find very arousing to serve on That’s when you stopped as a woman you go. He shows me. He chose me Chosen I’m Worthless He wants company goes I bet you don’t know. What Vegas is really about Like no, but I think this press over here is going to tell me It was actually about sex and money like I was going to be like but I think it was about unconditional love than eating organic and Caring for someone into the winter of their life On television was about loving someone so much that you just held them in a hospital bed here They made it or not just wanted to sit there That kind of loyalty and trust, but now you mean to tell me that all this time Now vegas and money has been cool with each other Well if what you say is true, I’ve got to tell the detectives and saying Even my breasts you’re concerned. I’m scared something awful and then he was Then he walks up the next grouping of women. He was just discussed It was me didn’t care for myself because he just wanted to be inside of anything right and I oh Yeah And he walked up to the next group of women he just looks at them. He goes You age to come back to our room. We’ve got vodka Oc ad See that that’s what Vegas is about about vodka up the ass It’s also book about mindfulness my Deepak Chopra of the axe and other morning meditations I Think that fear is like with men and meeting the right guy I’m afraid I’m just going to get really tired after a series of failed relationships And I’ll be like in the movies whenever the woman leaves a guy that beats her shows himself of some soft Bearded theatre teacher, you know he’s not a grown man Some guide Whispers like a therapist all the time He looks like he teaches like soft do studies and horticulture at Hofstra or something I? Have yeah, that’s my fear like you won’t even have a man’s body like any just take off your shirt And they’ll be like a clothing smear that I’m forced to have sex with The kind of guy, that’s name is Richard But he won’t be called rich like he actually just Prefers the full name like I just put a little ritual other than wonder if that’s okay Always just like the full name Richard. Yeah And I will soon meet you much during sex like I wanted to be nervous But always like I just want you to feel safe. Okay, you feel safe We just stop and have some soup So maybe have some soft carrots or lots of carrots I? don’t even believe in erections a bit of a male feminist and uh I Think they’re pretty darn aggressive So they are not going to happen here not on my watch Going to fold it half and put it in that way Why would you fold it in half I? Feel like Richards idea of talking dirty would be like going to give you some unconditional love pong. Do you like that looks like rock? So we’re not doing enough to protect our national parks. What do you think you will Hoorah? When I give it to you, just a little bit harder. Huh Sophie little slut yeah, I Know and then we got one of those weird kids with peanut allergies, you know it wouldn’t even be like a Reasonable peanut dollars either do one of those kids that goes into toxic shock if he has a nut you know it really really And he loves me just a little more than I loved him like you’d love them. You love them You would you know but he’d love you. Just a little more you know Like you’d be one of those kids like you take him to a birthday Party when he’s like ten and he’s still holding onto your leg, and you’re like all right? Just go play Josh Just played like I just prefer Joshua, but that’s okay It’s always like the full name Joshua Why would I call play what I could go home with you, and we could work on my ant farm instead? So much possibility let’s go home and have chart discussions about that The eye contact between the two of us Hill fantastic right now My mom just came up to visit me recently my mom’s really sassy I know if anyone like has a parent like this But my mom’s got one of those crazy sort of overly spiked mom do’s her hair just keeps getting more and more aggressive every time I see her She looks insane looks a lot like vanilla ice at this time Her hair looks like it was cut by computer And she really wants to be black or ethnic somehow like it’s really embarrassing she works with all these black women so she makes them taste like all these outdoor pictures with her and it’s just like if she Puts them up all over the kitchen so she can pretend like she has all these black friends You know it’s just 20 to press completely in different looking black women or my mom in the middle lunging like this Her favorite thing to tell people now is issue should have been black. It’s just really weird like at parties and stuff She’s always like people always tell me they go Karen. You should have been black, and it’s true. I dance like I’m with I’m a very very soulful dancer Meanwhile her dancing is actually so awful. It’s confusing like I don’t know what’s going on when she’s dancing. I know I don’t feel safe There are dancers like she’s stirring herself. Which is this very problematic console stirring a lot of sideways accusatory glances Real real fucked-up shit and her staff takes her to emcee battles like it’s a serious crisis in the family my mom has been my Aggressively white mom has been to like ten battles this year Now she’s getting cocky like she’s got all these opinions about the rapper’s like the last battle she went to she goes you know what? I am like can I slap her I didn’t think that he was really fun two three. I just I didn’t buy it I’m like really you could sniff out the street on someone you teach Low-impact aerobics I Think my mom’s a hater now. I think she’s just involved with like a do-rag like nah. No, that’s not good nah Nice Gonna have some nice I think she wants to be like one of those white women the movies would save the black school. I think that’s her bling yeah Like I feel like if it was up to her She’d get up every morning and put on like a sassy leather jacket go teach. Hip-hop Violin and the ghetto you know Maybe reach out to some kid named Trey At some point during the day Gavin Village. Oh, it’ll be nice man long because in my life man You don’t know nothing about what I’ve been through man No, nothing other things I see man. I can’t do this no more. I can’t talk no more It worked too bad Karen. I can’t push them or Keep you like this go ahead and rub pray. Just go ahead run quick one Going yet pick up your violin and run Give it trey. You’re braver than that, and you know what I ran one And then he would come back and just cry slow suggs tears We play some Jay-Z finger blaster the point is I know she wants I Don’t know what she wants us like Tom. I I just moved recently I live there now Brooklyn out, or nope anyone from Brooklyn hair They’re these guys they work at the store my corner – it’s kind of like hang outside my apartment on these milk crates may drink 40 all drinkers the real winners and Every time I leave my apartment They sort of treat me like it’s my naughty little idea to be a woman you know which is a very funny feeling like at around 10 a.m., or so when I have a hangover. There’s this same guy every time I lose leave my own place You just standing there going. I’m saying boo. I’m saying boo Man blue how you Gonna do that to me? I’m sane And well, I just want to call you. I want to be your friend blue And it works that you’re guilty and soil somehow defective But I’ve heard guys say a lot of stuff in the street But I think I recently heard my favorite like most trifling thing I’ve ever heard a man say I was walking my friend like she’s kind of like heavy bread good guy good very excited by early She caught the real story. You know If she has a kind of breasts like men have questions any time with you know Did he talk processing them like we were packing this guy? He just goes like this. He goes daddy dual shape like that I am done and He kept shaking almost as good cause almost a zipper titties typically thrown him off course And ice prancing to myself like how does we want that to end like what would be his ideal edging to that comment What she’s going to spin around and be like yes, there are yes get eastern All these kiddies have been bored all day. I think we should stop and have pity fun right now. I? Know what do these titties, but now you’re here. Thank God you are I? Think you should be the supervisor these kitties. That’s right. So for iblees interesting afternoon It’s anytime PC fun fun fun fun I’ve never performed anywhere like this. I’m used to working the road you know not the streets The road I drive a lot when I’m working I got pulled over better day which sucks I got out of the ticket though. I did like the girliest thing to get out of it, right. I started crying That’s nothing new for me. I always cry after sex, so you got to do you got to do and I think she liked it you know and Like it or ticket folks. That’s my policy. Thank you sticking to it a Terrible driver couple weeks ago. I had adhere to your old man, and I hope he’s okay You lost the note Thank God. It wasn’t a real garyun. Ow. I love animals A lot of shopping today looking for a fur coat and This woman came up to me out of the blue She talked me on the shoulder, and she was excuse me ma’am Does anyone ever told you you should be a model? And you guys I was like oh my God no It was like good, Mr.. Walk away. I was like what the fuck what? Trying to be more responsible about snacks. You know I don’t want to catch any more stuff, but my dance card asshole But it’s hard you know my friend is like You know what if you don’t asleep with a guy just don’t shave your legs Feel like a week and then go out with them, so I’ll do that But then I’ll just get drunk and like still hook up, and then I’m just like the gross girl with hairy legs Run around Town and Tastic I Tried to make a ring for myself. I was like you know I’m going to make this new role No sex on a first date. That’s my new role. So I like to you know quit mating and stop Clearly impossible a guy buys. You didn’t dinner at Chili’s you owe him like that’s how I was great Can’t changes women Actually recently just got out of a long-distance relationship She’s tough I had to break up with him Via Skype. That was weird He was like maybe you’re breaking up, and I’m like your damn street Really happening it was a Mutual breakup with his gun. You know we just both decided that he’s a piece of shit. It was a good thing I Had got it. You know He wasn’t getting me sometimes. I was like verbally abusive like Mel Gibson II and He wasn’t physically abusive. You know he was the boring kind of abusive I’m glad he never heavy. That’s a good thing Um mostly cuz I feel like I don’t know type of trick that would get hit and I’d be like didn’t hurt you know decide Am I asking for it I? Uh I had a friend actually once that was in a relationship like that, and it was weird every couple weeks He would have like a new black eye that she couldn’t explain you know And I was the only one out of my friend to confront her about it She got very defensive you know she’s like Vicki. What do you want me to do like? I welcome what am I supposed to do and like I don’t know like this or something like an expert but The Super-Rich hold out as long as you can you know? long-distance relationships are hard you got to have a phone sex a lot Which I’m not even like good at regular sex yet So home is a struggle because what I was like Just fax me a transcript of what you want me to say to you I’ll go pick it up at kinkos like I can’t come up to stuff on the fly Keep your bag. You know you just like talk dirty, and I say things like I have a vagina stating fact So I’m tired of even get a little more specific, but it would like get worse on my own I Remember one time. He was like will be are you wet and like life is good p ten minutes ago You forgot to get toilet paper That was a real hot It got to the point where I’m in the end of our relationship He was like hounding me to send him like naked pictures. You know But I didn’t want to do what I did here’s the thing I did not put my face in the pictures you know because that’s how he asked for them, but also uh protect my identity That’s the way you should do it. I don’t know if anyone women here have ever Had a photo session with just like this area before Usually you’re in like a ramada Inn in the middle of Wisconsin. That’s how I do it It’s like quite the process to take hours like the lighting is an issue And this is like the best subject. It’s not very photogenic Because you get a picture, and then you’re like oh god no, and you got to take it again and again I’m giving it direction on my scroll with your eye like nothing How did I blink in this salon? I need Brown eye reduction. I am God, why did I? So I’m going to start dating again. I guess that’s inevitable. I hate dating The only thing I like about it is um the first couple days you can like Still hide your crazy like because of the note yet, that’s important to me I Always feel like I’m a different version of myself for every guy I’m dating like I’m a different Nikki like I even changed the way. I spell my name for every guy I’m dating I know this is weird. Let me explain. I usually felt ni K ki But I was dating this guy named nick for a while no six I big hewed if I split And I see ky be cute and similar and then I was dating this black guy for a while And so cheated too ni Q ue dollar sign we loved it and I loved being we should hang around even know how you pronounce it Things ended badly with us. So he cheated on me real bad, and I didn’t want to do But I did changes, and I kkk I and get my revenge Thank you for laughing at that Some of you Don’t worry. That’s not a racist joke It’s not I actually I got permission to tell that joke From three of my very best friends who just so happened to be racist, and they said it was fine You do stupid stuff when you want revenge when you’ve been hurt One time I got a voodoo doll – the dumb idea and I quote I couldn’t believe it worked like I stabbed the voodoo doll in the chest with a needle the next day my ex-boyfriend was snapped I Mean I did it, but you know what you just make your own dreams Come true in this world I’m still weird, you know So I don’t have kids. I have that going for me. Thank you My friend has a baby now She have a baby from one time what she just got super blackout wasted. Which is scary You know that can happen one night? She went Sandbars met some random dude They did one too many shots together and they ended up you know kidnapping a baby, and you do sit like that Place is hanging up playground We don’t know where she got it. We keep watching the amber alerts. We don’t even know if this baby’s name is Amber Actually, this is weird. I like an amber alerts text message to Mavis. I’m going to do this it’s Seriously, it’s a free service. You can sign up for online, and I wrongly suggest you do it because every time a child goes missing You will feel fuckin popular. You’re like. I’m blowing up, and you’ve gone I Am look for I do this or whatever, but I’m always in my living room. She’s never there Not even one Kinder first thing though if you get these texts like you don’t need to write them back. They like get it ah Cuz one time I wrote back, and I was like at Founders aka, LOL like look they found me and obsessed with texting Ridiculous how I communicate with like everyone in my life you know except my grandma because she doesn’t act you know so we don’t talk but No, I hear I’m are getting lazy about texting when it comes like grammar and spelling and I’m a stickler when it comes up stuff Because I’m English major in college you might be able to tell I’m almost fluent. I’m pretty good I Got text from my friend mother dado, and I can’t meant to say how are you my friend? He forgot the comma in the middle so to me. It was just like how are you my friend? Or anything is thick about it like that? Is ignorance the typo is different? The swimmable singer you can send the opposite message you want to send to someone it can ruin a relationship This happened to me. I was out to drinks with my friends Ex-boyfriend friendly drinks. I hadn’t seen him in a while You know and I didn’t tell her I didn’t wanted to make it an issue But she found out you know she shoots me attacks. She’s like don’t fuck him smiley face and And I wrote back. I won’t haha But I forgot the tea on the won’t so to her was his I won ha And I did oh All right My name’s Marina. It’s not a great African name Didn’t get one Sorry, my sister. Did her name is Niala which means one who succeeds Marina just means a place where you dock bow You can take there any way you want to? Thank you, I Used to say that joke because I was looking for a man, but I actually have one now So I should really be doing that joke anymore really I kind of still wanted And you never know I? Got a man cuz I stopped looking when you’re looking for a man. You’re never going to get one because you have that bad look Like Where is he? It’s almost like a desperate prostitute just on the street disasters going backtracking You sure It’s too desperate a guy can see that a mile away. He’s gonna be like that bitch is crazy And he gets that desperate and I was you start looking at losers and thinking you know what I can make that work Cockeyed I don’t care cuz that one I can see Is when you stop looking that’s when you get a guy when you stop smoking You know that moment actually when you’re single, and you’re enjoying it, and you’re happy That’s what a man. Go look at you like oh Yeah, oh my That is q hat Imma take her down That’s how I got my ex. I wasn’t focused He got he laziest men I ever dated unbelievable, just lied there Actually broke my sometimes and is not a hot sexy story. He was just laying there and it broke When he jumped up that was the fast as I ever seen a move But I made it work sometimes you do that You just stay in a relationship just to be in a relationship and I made it work like I remember one time we were watching this winter sport on TV called the Luge I Have never seen this before It’s basically a winter sport where you just lie there on ice somebody kicks you off And you go I was like look, baby Something you could do And I told him see your illusion. Oh Thank you Yeah, but I have a guy now. He’s here. Yes. He’s I’m happy. So that’s not funny it’s miserable hilarious He’s real he’s younger than me. He’s really hot. He’s younger. I’m officially a cougar Thank you. He’s young Annie’s wife, so I’m not just a cougar. I’m with black pants I’m a real predator. Yes, I You know I got them. I was my I was hanging out in the game stop and uh That’s what they like. I thought that I got an xbox Is right and it’s 360 oh? They wrote a highly functional. He’s been hooked ever since he wants me to meet his uh his mama or should I say mother it’s Gonna be weird cuz he’s got telling her two things you know I’m black, and I’m older I can’t wait to meet her cuz IMma tell him I Got y’all baby I’m gonna make you Obama’s what music. They don’t make you know? I’m leaving waiting. Whatever. I did a white guy. I always lose weight. This is the first like I don’t know what they do They do little subtle things like the last like I did it with do little subtle things to make sure I Stay pinned like he would throw his napkin in my dish before I was done think about that I was eating Maybe like you finished bitch. Do it right my plan I? was real since a good diet my last guy was Puerto Rican I actually gave way the Puerto Rican man, they feed you So nobody also watch you I? Was getting big it was like mommy Daddy. Gas is nice It could be big Iy but I got tired of beating He was like that nice He didn’t know what diabetes was I Think he thought it was a Spanish word who knows I? Like to in comas or the best part of comedies you get to travel I love it You know like I went to Ireland Didn’t see a lot of black people didn’t expect to I saw one black guy. He looked at me like why are you here? Don’t ruin my shit I Got a good I Went to england they got black he blair you know I had an okay time in England They never really laugh at my jokes. They would just go Brilliant I Really annoy me I was like don’t drill ian my junk laughs They were like no, but it’s brilliant It was cool to see black people there, but it’s different. You know. I don’t know different boat earlier So we took a left all the way And I got curious. I’m like I wonder what they call the black people. You know since they can’t call them African Americans My ass is one British dude. I was like excuse me excuse me, Emma, whoa What do you call your black people? Huh? He’s like. Oh, we call de niggas What did you say? But you can’t do that in America. It’s banned we banded You like oh, oh oh shimmy you You pass your knickers? Brilliant I know that’s just a hard dutiful admin you guys actually had no problem, Whatsoever. I Was in South Africa, South Africa was an amazing experience. You know little black people I had a great time I was on stage you want to get on stage as a black performer you want to be like I’m home wow oh Africa oh Here the guy’s a piece, please Do do then I? Why not on for Master do ya do ya? You are not from here. Originally. I’m from Africa. What is your address? like damn, good point nobody wants We’re like African Mexican Well, originally I’m from Chicago. That’s where I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago white neighborhood I moved to a black neighborhood, and it was too late I Was why I didn’t have any skills, but I know how to fight. I didn’t know double dutch That’s important some people don’t know what double dutch is that tell them is when you get to dutch skiving in the middle leg That’s what they told me I’ve always been trying to prove my blackness. We can grow up like that. You always try to prove it I try to prove it with white girls, but you know then you’re not scared of it, and that really annoys me Like I hadn’t happened one time in his bathroom is three drunk white girls in his bathroom And they weren’t actually using the stall they were just blow drying their hair in the hand dryer And there’s a long line of women waiting for this bathroom as always. I’m at the front of the line What boughs on my way in I’m like? What do you do it? I go to the actual stall you know and I hear the girl as I’m inside and saw here the girl go We should probably live said dick except her bitches I’ll open the doors are strong. I was like excuse me. I’m pull my pants up first Because that would have been there Or high depending on what you like I? Was like excuse me What did you say and she looked at me and she said I said? We should probably leave so you could stop your bitching Okay And I closed the door back to the song cause she did answer my question I Mean at that point you better fight. Yeah, that’s a pity I Want those drugs man. I talk a lot, but I can’t back it up like I guess why you know when you want to fight like you need a big man behind you like a bouncer time Do you ever notice a woman talks a lot always has a big man right behind You need to see like Wanna fight me. I’m come fight me baby your job I Live in Harlem, New York now. That’s where I live. Which is actually changed like you guys can go They’re all white people there. You can tell because we got like three Starbucks salad Why people green salad that’s nice? The first time I saw right tomatoes. I was like They come That’s a nice tomato it shiny We had an Italian Bistro that opens up on my block that was weird all glass window. Why people just inside they knock come Every time I walk by I might come out you know be a part of the community my enemy I Had a sweater is like a caucasian aquarium. Just sitting there If a culture class going on in Harlem Kazoos the change is too fast you know so Like I had just happens for the first time ever I had a white girl come to my door and complain about my music being too loud I Got pissed off. I’m like the black neighborhood definitely do You play our black music. Loud. You don’t like it get out It was messed up because I was playing Simon & Garfunkel I Learned to my mind business. You know New York is the Minor business capital in the world it really is like I had this happen one time on the street. I saw this woman Yelling at this child on the street really bad and I said something And I should have just minded my business here like I would love to have kids I would but I’ve seen some of these mothers and they look like they have lost their mind What makes your clock ticking stop? This coming a child cause I’ll have one This this would have been a dutch town Anyways yelling shouts. You like this show is over here ah yo black? Now what the hell you crying foul pop you in your mouth probably mom I Looked at her. I was like oh my God you don’t talk to a child like that. She looked at me Like what the hell you lookin at huh, you all right is my child You doing a great job I? Was scared I ran I’m a good Runner. I Ran three long blocks all like don’t look back just keep going But you can’t help it you want to see what’s going on. So I’ll look back for just a second She was still standing there looking at me Thank you you

100 thoughts on “Amy Schumer Women Who Kill 2013 | Amy Schumer Stand Up Comedian Special

  1. I made myself sit through this entire video waiting for the funny part. I must have missed something because I never found it. Are you kidding me? If she can be a stand up, I'm most certainly can.

  2. I am not sure why people are complain so much here about Amy…. She is really funny, maybe not her best, but still a lot better then 85% of other stand up specials out there, or the other comedians in this lineup.

  3. Unfunniest “comedian” i ever have had the misfortune of hearing… she is just fucking awful and no sane human being likes her

  4. I am predicting Marina Franklin to be on Saturday night live. She is top notch comedian and actor. What a find!!! Also love Amy Schumer. It is a shame that ugly people with ugly souls have to comment there ugly jealous GED thoughts from their trailers. They need to continue doing drugs and cry a lot. She brings laughter and is brilliant.

  5. Well FUCK being a father of a young girl I find these ladies super impressive. Similar but not same.
    Maybe it's cause they are taking the piss out of us all u dudes aren't laughing.

  6. I'm stunned to see so many trolls in this comments… Oh SORRY my bad, I of course ment STUPID TROLLS who doesn't understand that it says more about them, taking the time to watch a whole comedy set of comedians who's names are clearly are showing, just to troll them in the comment section when it's so obvious that they already judged them on forehand.

    Get a frikking life OR learn how to read do you can find comic you like instead?

    Morons.

  7. Started to watch this and scrolled down to the comments and expected this video would suck. It did not suck. In fact it was funny and worth watching js

  8. Thanks @ Golden Boy. Save this video from death and your eyes and ears from bleeding profusely,start watching from 20:00. Comedy starts after Lamy Shitmer ends

  9. I see Amy Schumer as a challenge more than anything. Here is a woman who in every single aspect is absolutely revolting – her exterior AND her personality – yet I can't help but wonder what would be like to plunge balls-deep into her repeatedly.

    That's right. Balls-deep. With no protection.

    I won't lie, I'm extraordinarily-hard while typing this. I want to grab this… thing… and that's what Amy Schumer is, let's not delude ourselves, a "thing"by the hips and ram mercilessly in and out of her quivering, malformed c**t with the force of a gladiatorial chariot, while she makes stupid faces and contorts orgasmically, unable to control her bodily reactions even if she wanted to.

    I would erupt violently inside that corrupt and corrupting womb as though the entire fate of humanity depended on my seed penetrating the foul walls of one of her ovaries, the electrical fusion from this coupling creating the Antichrist as our combined, guttural, Chewbacca-like roars shattered glass and walls alike around us, the house toppling down while we lay there in a filthy, disgusting mess.

    Yeah. I reckon Amy Schumer does it for me.

  10. I didn't realize this was multiple female comedians.
    I nodded off during Amy Schummer and woke up during Nikki Glaser, and didn't know I'd missed anything until Nikki finished and walked offstage and the next chick came on.
    Amy and Nikki have the EXACT SAME spiel.
    The delivery and content are identical.
    I wouldn't mind being the meat in an Amy/Nikki sandwich, but their act gets old and stale pretty quick.

  11. I have seen more life in a hookers knickers, as blackadder said as funny as a arrow to the neck and discovering there’s a gas bill tied to it……..

  12. I think they're all great, but without a doubt my favorite is Marina, she kills me, I love her, and all of her facial expressions, and she's really cute too.

  13. They have no character about them ! They dress and look like receptionist and its just them bitching and putting down people you don't know and its just not funny .

  14. I love this woman. She has only gotten to where she is because of everything she is…… in my dreams shes's my bestie. So hate on, she's living her best life and I will always be a fan

  15. something or someone tells me or is telling me that women is not Amy Shumar

  16. The thing is that Amy does have SOME genuine funny moments in this stand up at least.. But I still can't get behind someone that steals jokes for a living. I think that's what it is for alot of others too.

  17. This is the first time I've seen an Amy video with more thumb ups than thumb downs.

    Oh it had other comedians that's why.

  18. Amy looked so good here. Amy should have been the third one out. She was much better than the second and third one out.

  19. Notice how people clapped harder when Amy left than when she entered. Also, my family lovesss comedy and listen to so many comedians I can count, and that fact that they never mentioned or I never heard of her is really saying something.

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