Laughter is the Best Medicine

Anthony Jeselnik – Caligula – Fun Activity

looking for
my ex-girlfriend’s killer. But no one will do it. [ Laughter ] My ex-girlfriend
owned a parakeet. Did you guys hear
what I just said? [ Laughter ] She owned a parakeet. Oh, my God. That [bleep] thing
never shut up. But the bird was cool. [ Laughter and applause ] My ex-girlfriend had a lot of,
like, really annoying habits. I think the worst was that she
loved to read women’s magazines, likeCosmoor, uh… or things likeCosmo.And she would flip straight to
the relationship quiz. And not only
would she present that to me as if it was, like,
a fun activity for us to do together — even though every question
is designed to [bleep] my entire world up. But even worse is she would
get mad at my answers and make me change them
so we’d get the best score. Like, I’ll never forget the last
time we played that game. She was like, “Anthony, if you could have lunch
with anyone in the world, living or dead,
who would it be?” And I said, “I don’t know.
Caligula.” [ Laughter ] And she goes, “Really? Caligula?
That’s your answer? That’s what you’re gonna say
to me, your girlfriend? Are you sure?” I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, baby. Let me change that.
I’d have lunch withyou.And you’d be dead.” [ Laughter ] Yeah,
we’re not together anymore. She’s got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. And I’ve heard rumors
that he’s abusive, which makes me want to go
over there with a baseball bat and then blame it
on her boyfriend. [ Laughter ]

100 thoughts on “Anthony Jeselnik – Caligula – Fun Activity

  1. "I assume you all knew who you were coming to see tonight; but if you didn't.. you sure as shit know now" – Anthony Jeselnik – Caligula

  2. Everyday is a sad day to be a dane cook fan, because to find his jokes funny you honestly have to be lacking anything that even remotely resembles an intellect

  3. FYI..Dane Cook was banned from many major comedy clubs because he stole pretty much all his material from other comedians. 😉 chew on that DC fans

  4. i think its funny that this guy makes a stage persona for himself to add to this type of comedy he performs haha

  5. God why do I feed trolls, but since your 1–% wrong im just end the convo with hes well respected comics like joe rogan, bill burr, ralphie mays, and many many others, but no they dont know what theyre talking about.

  6. Humor is subjective. A lot of people think he's funny. His jokes clearly pass you by mentally, it's not a big deal. Not everybody has the cognitive capacity for certain jokes.

  7. Are you actually trying to say that his jokes are at all intelligent. That's pretty funny because that proves you're retarded if such a low level of humour seems smart and witty to you…

  8. It doesn't seem smart and witty, I just get it. And it makes me laugh. I'm sorry it doesn't do that for you, but that doesn't really make you a better person.

  9. Jesus quit taking it so personal. You ever think it's your sensitivity issues that keep you from getting the humor?

  10. So you have no argument really? Ok that makes sense, I wouldn't expect one of his fans to be able to come up with one.

  11. this guy is incredibly boring. he takes a valium before he goes on stage to act all cool and calm you can tell

  12. he is the worst comedian ive ever seen absolutely not funny… Guy is like the fucking definition of NOT FUNNY!!!!

  13. I think you got cut off before you could finish your statement. Perhaps next time you should ask your mom for more Internet time?

  14. Do you know the definition of the term "subjective"? Because you know… that's what humor and comedy is. Subjective. It's not for everyone.

  15. Then you don't get the humor. That doesn't mean others won't, that's why he's popular and making money while you give handies for corn dogs outside 7/11.

  16. So you go from feigning being kind/well mannered until your argument stops working then you go to personal attacks? Brilliant, more proof that his fans are genius's.

  17. You mean genius'? You don't add a second s there. You're basically calling me stupid when you don't even know grade school level grammar, oh the irony.

  18. Holy shit you're stupid. Troll bait worked perfectly. You are the world's worst grammar nazi you imbecile. It's not genius' because I'm not referring to it for possession. Geniuses is the plural of genius you dipshit. Wow. That was ALL the proof I need that his fans are uneducated morons who would score lower on an IQ test that someone in comatose.

  19. I think it's genius that he's tying his jokes together now. Make the flow way more contemporary and still gives way toward his genius.

  20. This concert had me rolling the entire time, completely unique dark humor and delivery and very well written jokes. I think Anthony is the best and most underrated current comic going!

  21. I don't think this guy is funny, or at least not this particular standup. It's not because he's too dark or inappropriate, which is OBVIOUSLY the over-the-line reputation he's going for. I get it. Anyone that has been a 15 year old boy gets it. Dark humor is awesome if you have the right attitude for it. However, it's not funny when that's your only tool, especially if you package it the way he does. His whole show is just one "fucked up" one-liner after the other. Literally, it's like if he looked up "fucked up one-liner jokes" online and then just read them off. The one-liners in themselves get pretty clever, I'll give him that, but none of it's funny. His style is so incredibly limited that it's dull. Especially with his delivery and persona onstage. Like he's playing so hard into the "I'm so evil and hardcore" role that it just sound cheesy. He's like a douchey kid going through a goth/metal phase in high school. The kid that's always boasting his hail satan t-shirt and pentagram necklace. He tells jokes about dead babies to the preppy girls girls at school so they'll all go, "OMG! Anthony WTF! You're so fucked up, we don't want to hear that! That's not funny," and he get's to feel like such a little badass when he goes home to listen to the most generically "dark" metal he can find. Probably Cannibal Corpse or something. That's exactly what I think of when I listen to this. Except he's an adult, dresses normal, but is ever more blatantly douchey than the high school goth/metal kid. Like it honestly bewilder's me how people in the crowd and that watched this think it's even averagely funny.

  22. there's burr, jesenik, chapelle, then flotsam jettsum of assorted social mutants such as dane cock & louis suck cock, amy jewmer is just a sweaty ho hoping cankles & cellulite makes a comeback with devout carpet muncher hrc's last effort to be usa's first reptilian female rothchild sock puppet

  23. He reminds me of Anakin Skywalker. If Ani became a comedian instead of a sith and let out all that teenage angst through jokes

  24. Even though I've heard the jokes plenty of times, they're still funny as fuck…. or maybe it's the alcohol, fuck it let's just say it's both.

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