my ex-girlfriend’s killer. But no one will do it. [ Laughter ] My ex-girlfriend
owned a parakeet. Did you guys hear
what I just said? [ Laughter ] She owned a parakeet. Oh, my God. That [bleep] thing
never shut up. But the bird was cool. [ Laughter and applause ] My ex-girlfriend had a lot of,
like, really annoying habits. I think the worst was that she
loved to read women’s magazines, likeCosmoor, uh… or things likeCosmo.And she would flip straight to
the relationship quiz. And not only
would she present that to me as if it was, like,
a fun activity for us to do together — even though every question
is designed to [bleep] my entire world up. But even worse is she would
get mad at my answers and make me change them
so we’d get the best score. Like, I’ll never forget the last
time we played that game. She was like, “Anthony, if you could have lunch
with anyone in the world, living or dead,
who would it be?” And I said, “I don’t know.
Caligula.” [ Laughter ] And she goes, “Really? Caligula?
That’s your answer? That’s what you’re gonna say
to me, your girlfriend? Are you sure?” I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, baby. Let me change that.
I’d have lunch withyou.And you’d be dead.” [ Laughter ] Yeah,
we’re not together anymore. She’s got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. And I’ve heard rumors
that he’s abusive, which makes me want to go
over there with a baseball bat and then blame it
on her boyfriend. [ Laughter ]