Laughter is the Best Medicine

Awkward stand-up comedian wins The Comedy Store King Gong – Tom Mayhew 30th May 2016

Should we open it up? Yeah. Go on. It can’t be worse than that. [LAUGHTER] If there’s anybody out there
who didn’t put their name down but would like to get up
and have a go, you can do. Anybody? Anybody? Nobody. [LAUGHS] That’s fair enough. We could try again. Fair enough. Fair enough. We can try again later
when someone’s got– We can try it again later on. Oh, where we got– where? Where are you? There you are. Come on then. Come on, mate. Give it up! Yeah! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS] What’s your name, fella? Tom. Tom from the audience. Start the clock. I was never a big fan of
having me school photo taken because my parents always bought
the photo of other children. [LAUGHS] My Aunt Mary still
thinks I’m black. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] When I was younger, I
went to a fancy dress party dressed as Harry Potter. I didn’t wear a costume. I just went as a child who
wasn’t supported financially or emotionally. [LAUGHTER] I’m quite awkward. So I sort of look
down quite a lot. Someone at a gig
recently said to me, you need to look up
more when you perform. To which I said, look me
in the eyes and say that. [LAUGHTER] And they said to me, you
really need more punch lines in your set. To which I said, yep. [LAUGHTER] I’ll tell you a
bit about myself. I have a girlfriend. [CROWS WOOS] That was a joke. [LAUGHTER] What a lovely audience. [LAUGHTER] No. No. Actually, in reality,
I have a boyfriend. That was a joke as well. [LAUGHS] Didn’t laugh as
much– homophobes. [LAUGHTER] I live my love life by the
old adage, treat them mean. Keep them away. [LAUGHTER] I used to have a girlfriend. And she was so intelligent. I went toward her– I kissed her until
she was breathless. The funeral was very awkward. [LAUGHS] Then I had a boyfriend. I loved him to pieces– made him much easier to carry. [LAUGHS] After this, it made me
feel depressed where I started eating cushions– you know, comfort eating. [LAUGHTER] I look younger than I am. I’m actually 24. But my ex used to tease
me– say, I look 15. In fact, before we had
sex for the first time, she insisted I showed her ID. But I wasn’t very good
in the relationship. But once, she wanted
me to talk dirty. Now, I can’t do dirty talk. I can’t even do normal talk. [LAUGHS] But yeah– I tried. And she sort of said to me,
oh, so how hard is your cock? To which I said, it’s as
hard as the final level of Spyro the Dragon. [LAUGHTER] That was apparently
the wrong answer. I think she’s more a
fan of Super Mario. Another thing we used to
do was we used a role play. So I would pretend
to be James Bond. And she’d pretend that
she still loved me. [LAUGHTER] But I didn’t have
my first girlfriend until I was about 20. And then she dumped
me within a week. Then I met someone
else within a month. So I was single for so long. And I met two people in
a shorter space of time. So girls are like
buses, you know? They’re fucking sexy. [LAUGHTER] Girls are like buses. Sometimes there’s too many
people on one of them. [LAUGHTER] Girls are like buses. There’s some of
them in [INAUDIBLE].. [LAUGHS] They’re never really
uncomfortable to sit on. I tried to write a
similar one about boys. It’s boys are like tractors. I kissed one once. [LAUGHTER] I’ve never been a big follower
of fashions or trends. The only in thing
I do is insecurity. [LAUGHTER] Knock knock. Who’s there? No one’s ever there. [LAUGHTER] Thank you for laughing
at my sadness. [LAUGHTER] I’ll be your friend! I don’t want you to. I’m fine. Thanks. [LAUGHTER] I don’t like friends. They’re scary. What else did I [INAUDIBLE]? I work at a supermarket– Sainsbury’s. Oh, such a name dropper. [LAUGHTER] I don’t really like it. It’s not very fun. Someone once said
to me, oh, so I bet you get lots of
material working here. It’s like, no. It’s tedious and boring. What am I supposed to say? [CLANGING] The other day– what
the fuck was that? I’m getting heckled by a cop. Jesus Christ. [MUSIC PLAYING] [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS] That’s Tom from the audience. Onto list number two. [APPLAUSE] Tom from the– what’s
your surname, Tom? And he just walked out. He’s like the man with no name. Caught you. What’s your surname? Mayhew. Mayhew. Mayhew. Tom Mayhew. Let’s write that down. Tom looks like a survivor. I’ll write that down. [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

24 thoughts on “Awkward stand-up comedian wins The Comedy Store King Gong – Tom Mayhew 30th May 2016

  1. your new material on school pictures and harry potter is amazing! like, damn. also, we didn't get to hear the final punchline! truly a tragedy. but wow, you've really built up this whole persona. i'm not sure how much of things are nerves and how much are part of the persona, because either way they enhance the whole thing.

  2. honestly think the harry potter joke is my favorite joke ive heard this year. Very well crafted, remember listening to its debut in Putney at WAFP haha

  3. That was brilliant! Just out of interest, are you the same Tom Mayhew who used to text in to the Russell Howard and Jon Richardson show, and Jon kept replacing your name with Kate Addie on the podcasts?

  4. If you enjoyed this video, do subscribe to my YouTube channel for more stand-up clips, and follow my pages on social media to stay up to date with details about future shows/projects!

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