Laughter is the Best Medicine

Batman vs. The Penguin (with Patton Oswalt)

You know you’ll never get out of here alive Cobblepot Be quiet and wait your turn End me Batman. You know you want to I don’t kill He’s not like you Cobblepot (laughs) Your stupid rule will be your downfall, you know that, right Batman? I’m not a coward who hides behind a gun. I would never take the life of another For I am… Batman, look out! The Dark Knight! The last remaining beacon of morality in the shadows of this town Wait, what- what was that? What? You- You just said you don’t kill Yeah I know, It’s one rule Y- Yeah Batman..why don’t you look the guy that ..yeah- He’s asleep No he’s- wait what? Oooh I see what’s happenning you guys don’t know this but ah- when criminals fight me, It’s exhausting ‘Cause I’m good So they often have to nap afterwards W- Wait you can’t be think they’re sleeping? Yeah that poor little guy..he’s all tuckered out ..Oh my god, do you-..Do you not know what death is? I totally know what it is, don’t be stupid Let’s just back it up a little bit to talk about what hero I am Batman, you have to know what dea-, I mean your parents were shot and killed My parents were shot, yes, but they’re alive..on a special farm Oh boy..
They’re on a farm? They’re on a special happy farm, where they make buttermilk They rump and play, there’s a hammock made of dreams.. Wow..
I can’t even-.. They write me e-mails I don’t understand what you find hard to- Batman, look out! -about any of that. It’s a very plausible situation Old rich people go to farms Are you kidding me? Are you kidding- I’m the one you’re after? Yeah.. See th- this is what we are talking about, what you just did You killed that guy Comiss(ioner), That head wound, It’s got to be taking It’s toll ‘Cause you are making zero sense Nah- Gordon just let me try, ok?
Please.. Batman, what do you have on your wrists? I’m not wearing hokey pads! It’s alright, I know, listen; What are the metal, sharp, stabby things? These are eh- triangle blades to use against my foes Okay Bah- Thank you I’ve broke your sword Batman.. ..- You lost your footing Unbelievable Good times Batman! Now, if the metal triangle blade hits a flesh neck, what happens? They-.. They go to sleep, just like me And then they wake up, just like me Usually with a boner.. (sigh) I call it the bat-signal No, they die! There’s no boners, they don’t get sleepy They. Die! Wait, but my fish, he went to sleep and we flushed him down the toilet He’s in the ocean right know, he’s alive No he’s dead Doctor Fishy! NO! You see Batman, what you did to Doctor Fishy, is what you’ve done to these men I overfed these men? No, you killed them Wow, major game changer Before I didn’t understand, but know I got it We’re on the same page Good You’re saying If i go to sleep, … I die No-, oh my god no Well, doesn’t matter either way Because I’m about to give you a personal lesson, in death! What happenned to no guns? This is a gun? You’re an idiot! Shhh- Not so loud You’ll wake him How do you even feed yourself? Through the hole I cut in my mask Originally It was just..hard to breathe Harvey Dent? No, no.. Just one last time No For old times sake No n- n- n- no no no Harvey Dent can we trust him?

100 thoughts on “Batman vs. The Penguin (with Patton Oswalt)

  1. Not gonna lie…I thought he only killed the first guy because he was black…then he killed a white skinhead

  2. Now i know where is the inspiration for Ben Affleck Badman come from. He used badmobile to put the bad guy to sleep!

  3. So he has a concept of killing because he has a no-killing rule, but he doesn't know what death looks like. I get that this Batman is supposed to be pretty thick, but wouldn't he still have his own idea of what death looks like? This sketch falls flat because that's never clarified. The whole thing hinges on him saying a thing and then contradicting it, and then it just milks the comedy out of that. That's lazy. I love Pete Holmes, but most of these Batman sketches are pretty dumb and lazily written. "It's funny… enough. I guess."

  4. 1:55
    Wait, Batman’s parents were killed?
    But, Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed too!
    That means that they were probably in the orphanage center at the same time!

  5. Ok so Jim was held hostage by two men with guns, and as soon Batman shows up and stops the penguin, Gordon just radomnly walks past them and arest him without getting killed!? Wtf

  6. He's never put a batarang deep into someone's facial cavity.. I get the joke, and the skit is funny. However I know it's taking a dig at Batman allegedly killing people when he hasn't. Also Patton Sucks he hated on Wesley Snipes and tried to make it look objective, when he was just retaliating against Snipes for treating the people who were ruining his film like they were ruining his film and they did.

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