Diaz: Well I have plans on Saturday too, I’m having dinner with my parents. Santiago: So? You don’t even like your parents. You call them smiley morons and hug freaks. Diaz: Plans are plans. I’m a badass not an anarchist. Diaz: You wanted to see me sir? Holt: I understand you stopped by the patrol office’s morning briefing. Diaz: Yeah, officer Deetmore helped me out with my crime scene so I gave him a little thank-you present. Hey Deetmore. If you’re gonna bag evidence like a five-year-old you should have the proper tools. It’s a my first police kit. The walkie talkie blows bubbles. Hope you can handle it. He mislabeled the weapon like an idiot and it almost got filed with the wrong case he could have blown months of work. Holt: You humiliated officer Deetmore in front of his peers. He submitted an official complaint against you. Diaz: Did he fill it out on crayon? Holt: No, but he did use a green pen, which seems crazy to me. The good news is if you go down there and apologize he’ll let the whole thing go. Diaz: Fine, I’m great at apologizing. I’m a very sweet person. Out of my way chunk. Pimento. What’s up?
Pimento: What’s up with you? I need you to sign this report. Diaz: Okay. I’ll sign your report. Jeffords: What the hell? Diaz: Careful, the ink’s still wet. Pimento: Maybe this will help. Jeffords: Okay, they got to knock that off. Hitchcock: Loosen up sarge.
Scully: Summer of love baby. Jeffords: It’s March man, shut up. Carlene: I see the color blue.
Linetti: She sees blue.
Carlene: and yellow. And I see the letter L, R, S, T, W, E, and B. Santiago: So basically everyone’s first eight guesses in hangman. Diaz: Thank You Carlene, your entire life is garbage. Holt: So, of all the candidates that you interviewed today, who do you think I should hire? Jeffords: Well the interviews got a little off track, but I’d go with Simon Walker. Computer Science degree, worked for the Board of Ed for ten years. Linetti: That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay Z three times in a row. Holt: Why does that matter? Linetti: Because whoever takes this IT job is gonna have to deal with Hitchcock asking how to log into his email every single day forever. How do you think professor short fuse is going to handle that? Jeffords: Fine. What about this guy? No, he was scared of everything. Do you remember Rosa’s reaction last time the printer jammed? Diaz: I’ll pay for that. Jeffords: Okay Stella, alright. No, no, no, no problem. Okay all right. Bye. Damn, my babysitter’s busy the night of Boyle’s wedding. She’s gonna be at her high school talent show. Which she’s gonna lose unless her talent is leaving potato chip crumbs all over Terry’s couch. Diaz: Wait, Boyle set a date already? Jeffords: Yeah, he gave up save-the-dates yesterday. He didn’t give you one? Diaz: I think he’s been avoiding me. Hey Boyle: Oh, I hate pizza! Diaz: He didn’t invite me to his wedding, and he’s scared like a little bitch. Jeffords: Well, maybe Vivian was uncomfortable with you coming. Look, Boyle was in love with you until a few weeks ago. Oh, don’t be angry. Diaz: I’m not angry. I think it’s funny. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha Officer Deetmore. I came down here to say I’m sorry. Deetmore: Oh good. Go ahead. Diaz: No. That was it. I did it. I said “I’m sorry.” Hey, I said it again. Now I got one in the bank so I can do whatever I want to you. Deetmore: What are you even sorry for? Diaz: Come on, man. I said the words, I paused afterwards, I even averted my gaze to make you feel like the Alpha. Deetmore: Yeah, but you didn’t mean it. I’d like you to apologize like you mean it. Diaz: Fine. I’m sorry you screwed up my case. I’m sorry you’re a terrible cop. I’m sorry for your goat face and your rodent brain and your weird goose body. I meant all of that. I hope you feel better. Peralta. What the hell? Where were you? I got eliminated. Excuse me officer. Officer: Yes, sweetheart. Diaz: Sweetheart? Seriously Hank? Is how you talk to women who come in here? Officer: Jimmy jabs. Diaz: I didn’t even make it past one person. Jeffords: All right, Gina. We have to act soon. That cold medicine Diaz chugged it was the non-drowsy kind. She’s all over the place. Diaz: Hey guess what? I got a new lead to ask my perp about. There’s a drug dealer on State Street. Woah! Why doesn’t someone answer that phone? I will get it, I will get it. Hello. No, there’s no Michael here. You have the wrong number. Goodbye. Hitchcock: I’m Michael. Diaz: That’s a dumb name, but it’s yours, and you should be proud of it because you are the greatest detective I’ve ever known. Hitchcock: No doy, Diaz, no doy. Diaz: Where is my file? Jeffords: She’s so hopped up on that stuff her brain’s gonna blow. I’m gonna interrogate the perp. You keep Diaz occupied. Linetti: I don’t want to get near her germ face. Permission to lock her in a distant room? Jeffords: No, just distract her. Linetti: Yes, that is what I will do. Rosa, come here. Gotta tell you something, it’s a secret. Diaz: Okay, but I have a lot of stuff to do. Let me out of here I gotta talk to my perp! Jeffords: Everything okay with Diaz? Linetti: Yeah, she fell asleep five minutes after I locked her in, and she hasn’t moved in the past ten hours. She talks in her sleep. Diaz: I’m gonna rip your head off. I’m gonna rip your damn head off grandma. Linetti: Oh Ter-bear, what if she sleeps forever? Oh look, it’s Rosa! You look great, girl. I gotta get out of here bye. Diaz: Better not run because I will catch you after I’m done crushing that perp you are next. Jeffords: I already interrogated the perp for you.
Diaz: You what? Jeffords: I got him to name his Giggle Pig supplier. It’s all good. Now go home and get better.
Diaz: I could have done it myself. Jeffords: No, you couldn’t have. You literally have been in a coma since yesterday. Now I know you like to act like you don’t need any help, but we all do. Look, I ask five dudes to spot me when I’m doing my squats. Linetti: Terry paid me $20 to lock you up.
Jeffords: No I did not. Linetti: But I took that cheddar, and I made you this special “Rosa’s gonna make this cold her bitch” care package. Jeffords: Now’s the time where you say ‘thank you for all your help.’ Diaz: Thank you for all your help. Jeffords: Hey, is that a smile I see? Diaz: Possibly. My immune system is too weak to fight off my smile muscles. Officer: That’s a P-U-W, or a portable ultrasonic weapon. It emits a focused beam of sound which can disorient and even incapacitate a perp. Diaz: So it shoots sound? Is this the trigger? Officer: Yes, but you want to be careful with that. Diaz: I thought it would be louder. Officer: It’s highly directional. If it were pointed at you you’d be in incredible pain right now. Boyle: Why is this happening? I can taste my thoughts! Jeffords: Enough, Diaz. Diaz: Pretty cool. I’ve only had our look for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself. Linetti: Very violent eulogy, I like it. Peralta: Just let those guys continue to terrorize Brooklyn until I built up the nerve to ask out a girl. Diaz: You’re a good cop. Do not beat yourself up about that. Peralta: I’m not a good cop. I’m an amazing cop, and I’ll never forgive myself. The case is over, Amy and majors are on their way to the keychain right now. It’s too late. Diaz: Has she done the double tuck yet? When Amy really likes a guy she gets nervous and tucks her hair behind both ears at the same time. Peralta:Well I can never unsee that, but no she has not done that yet. Diaz: Then there’s still time. Get in there and bust up her date. Show her you care, ruin her night.
Peralta: You really have a unique take on love. Diaz: Hey, Deetmore. I’m sorry for making fun of you in front of everybody. And also for making fun of you behind your back. Deetmore: Didn’t know you did that, but thank you for the apology. Diaz: I’m not done. Also I’m sorry for making fun of you during my book club, those people don’t even know you that was uncool. Also, I’m sorry I- Deemore: It’s okay. I get it.
Diaz: No. Also, I’m sorry that I didn’t take the time to show you how to fix your mistake. Come on, we can go over it upstairs.
Deetmore: Thanks that’d be great. Diaz: Oh, one more sorry. You’re about to see a drawing I did of you and the elevator. Just remember: I was really pissed at you at the time. Jeffords: Diaz, look what I found in Hitchcock and Scully’s trashcan. Ice cream spoon. Diaz: Son of a bitch! You Hungry Hungry Hippos ate my ice cream. Why was this in your trash? Jeffords: And who throws away a spoon? It’s the easiest utensil to clean. Scully: I don’t even think it’s ice cream. It’s probably medicine. You know I’m on lots of medicines Rosa. I’m sick all over. Jeffords: This is ice cream, and I’m gonna prove it.
Diaz: Sarge no, It’s been in their mouths. Jeffords: What am I doing? Hitchcock: Well I guess your little investigation has hit a dead end. Diaz: I’ll be back. Don’t move. Scully: Not a problem, I hate moving. Jeffords: Let it go. Let it go.