Hey, Bill, what’s up, bud? HADER: Oh, hey, man.
What’s going on? Uh, first of all,
thanks for being here. -HADER: Hey, no problem.
-But we were just thinking, maybe, uh, we do a cold open
at the beginning, and we do, like,
a little sketchy thing. If-if you wanted to be in it,
you could be. HADER:
Ah… Nah, I’d rather not,
if that’s cool. I always find those things
to be kind of… you know, corny and… Yeah. Yeah, they’re stupid. No, no, you don’t have to. -HADER: Is that cool?
-Yeah, yeah, no. I don’t care. -HADER: Thanks, man. -No, I
don’t even do ’em that much. He’s not into it,
he’s not into it. -Abort. -PRODUCER:
Tell him you’re sorry. No, we’re not doing it.
We’re not doing it. It’s (bleep) so embarrassing. Joe, go.
Everybody run. -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) ♪ You’re amazing ♪ ♪ You’re still fat. ♪ ANNOUNCER:
And now… David Spade! -♪ ♪
-(cheering) Henry! Hey, Bill. (cheering
and applause continues) Thank you. Hey. Thanks, guys. All right! You guys, thanks. Let’s get started
right at it. Big show. This weekend,
Madonna celebrated her 61st birthday
by turning 70. Madonna had
a huge birthday party. It went from 4:00 p.m.
’til 7:00 p.m. That way no one had
to drive home after dark. Friends say Madonna doesn’t look
a day over a leather handbag. HADER:
Oh. -Damn. All right.
-No. I might take that out. Katy Perry has been accused
of sexually harassing a Russian TV host. The woman says
she can’t sleep at night thinking about how rich
she’s gonna be. Elon Musk wants to drop
nuclear bombs on Mars to prepare it for humans. This is all part
of a new segment called “Why the Aliens Hate Us.” (laughter) Statistics show that nearly half
of Americans wear the same pair of underwear for at least two days in a row. -(audience reacts)
-I know, right? My underwear is like
a hostage situation. “We are into day 29.” (laughter) -The L.A. sex party club
-HADER/CARDEN: The L.A. sex party club is now
accepting applications. (laughing) -Are you reading the jokes?
-HADER: Yeah. SPADE:
I’m just making them up. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. -They don’t get it.
-Oh. -HADER: Oh. Right.
-CARDEN: Oh. Yes. -Right. -Sorry.
-SPADE: Do you want to read it, -or do you want me to do it?
-No, you got it. -Why don’t you do it?
-It’s your show. Sorry. Actually, I wouldn’t do this one
if I were you. The L.A. sex party club
is now accepting applications. -(Hader whoops)
-Hard pass. An L.A. sex party is just
getting a lazy hand job while someone tells you about
their audition that day. Am I right, Henry? -HADER: Smile, thank you.
Thank you. (laughter) Were you just taking a picture
of them without me in it? No you’re in it, too,
but way in the back. SPADE:
Okay. (laughter) (sighs) According to the EPA, chemicals in Malaysian rivers
are making the fish “gay.” I had that chemical once
in college, it was called “20 bucks.” (laughter) Alligators have been seen
climbing fences and swimming across
flooded roads in Arizona. Where? (laughing) -Why is it Arizona?
-SPADE: You know what? You do just make these up,
don’t you? No, you know what happened?
I thought I did college, and then I thought we went
to college in Arizona, and then I… (bleep) the joke. CARDEN:
Wow. -HADER: Oh, yeah,
this is awesome. -Shit. I swear that’s what happened. -I was like…
-That was great. Also in Florida, a man was arrested
for dumping dirt on his girlfriend
with a tractor. Or, as it’s known in Florida,
Burn. -Florida burn.
-CARDEN: Burn on Florida. (cheering, whooping, applause) Florida’s taken
a couple of body shots. -Bill?
-HADER: What? I said, Florida’s taken
a couple of body shots. -Oh, burn. -Burn.
-Sorry. Yeah, burn. -Hard burn.
-Florida burn. The singer of Counting Crows has
shaved his trademark dreadlocks. -(Hader whoops)
-But don’t worry. He donated his hair
to douchebags with cancer. (laughter) Jeffrey Epstein bought
women’s panties while in jail. Those panties
were the second tightest thing he put on in jail. (laughter and groaning) Oh, yeah.
Team Epstein, huh? Okay. (laughter) Finally, on the last episode of Keeping Up
with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian credited
her career to Paris Hilton. I’d give Ray J at least
nine inches of credit, you know? Uh, let’s meet the panel. Henry Winkler,
Bill Hader, D’Arcy Carden. (cheering and applause) Hey. Yeah! Oh, you guys. Yeah. -I don’t know what I’m doing.
-Yeah. Uh, I’m excited
to have everybody here. Doesn’t seem like it.
I am excited to have you. -But… (laughs)
-CARDEN: Are you? I love the show. It’s great. I just had one quick question. Bill, playing an assassin… Yes. -You’re Henry. Henry.
-I am. -Bill. D’Arcy.
-Bill. -CARDEN: That’s right.
-But I can answer for him. I didn’t have a question. -But you were on Happy Days.
-I was. (cheering and applause) And do you think… And this is
sort of a fair question, ’cause it was a phenomenon,
and it was a while ago. But do you think
more people know you today from Happy Days
or Barry or Waterboy? You know, uh,
when something is happening -by walking through an airport.
-SPADE: Mm. So there are… There’s
the Happy Days contingent. -SPADE: Yeah.
-There is the Scream and the Waterboy contingent. There is, uh, honest-honestly, -there is the Parks and Rec
contingent. -SPADE: Yeah. -Oh!
-(cheering and applause) Uh, there is the Arrested
Development contingent. (cheering and applause) And now I am stopped
almost exclusively -for Barry.
-SPADE: Love it. -CARDEN: Good show.
-(cheering and applause) That’s awesome. Bill and I
went to school together. -Yeah, what’s that about?
-Yeah, we went to school to… -We went to Scottsdale
Community College. -SPADE: Yeah. -CARDEN: Were you guys…
-(laughter) Isn’t that funny? -We were artichokes. -Yeah,
it was the Fighting Artichokes, and we were…
It was sort of a thing -in college.
-Did you know each other then? Did you find each other
at school? -No.
-No. Uh, David, -you’re quite a bit older.
-All right. I was trying to go,
“Don’t say it.” Uh… yes. David’s like, “Yeah,
we went to school together. -Hell, yeah, we did.” -Yeah,
we went to school, and, uh… But that’s good
they had two people. Lorne, I think, goes there
and scouts talent. HADER: Yeah,
I think Lorne does walk around. Pokes his head in classes.
“Just, can I eyeball it?” -“Oh, shop class.”
-Um… (laughs) “The artichokes. “The artichoke center
is really funny -on the basketball…”
-Oh. Oh, we have
a celebrity hotline calling. Yeah.
(gasps) -Hey, Stephen Root!
-Oh! Hey! -Hey. Yeah.
-Hey. -Hey, Root!
-Hey. -It’s Stephen Root from Barry.
-Hi, David. -We love Root. -Stephen really
wanted to be here, but, uh… I know you wanted to be here,
but you’re on location for a shoot.
You couldn’t make it. Well, David, I…
(laughs) I’m location here in L.A. -I could’ve made it.
-Oh. Oh, I just thought
with the traffic and parking, it wouldn’t be worth it. Uh, douchebag,
I’m two buildings over. -Somebody told me it was a…
-CARDEN: Uh-oh. Somebody told me
it was a chair problem. That is true, because I said
we had four chairs, and I forgot
I was in one of them, so… -Uh-huh. Yeah.
-And there’s a chair union, and I don’t want to deal
with those mobsters. Wow, what a complete asshole. Okay, I’ll see you. Done. -Oh, no.
-That’s it? -Wow, that’s it.
-No! -Stephen Root. Aw.
-(cheering and applause) He seems like a fun guy.