Laughter is the Best Medicine

Billy Connolly – Signal man joke

I met a man called Hector Nichol, who is one
of my heroes, he’s a Scottish comedian and he’s a very old-fashioned comedian. And I mean that in the nicest way. He looks
like someone from the past, and we were talking about jokes, and he has started to resurrect
jokes, he said “It’s really weird Billy”, because he’d been 50 years a comedian this
man, and he said “some of my old stuff, it has
gone down really well”, he said, stuff I was telling when I was a boy. And I said “tell me one”, and he told
me this joke and I’ve been howling all week. I’m sitting on airplanes and I’ve burst
out laughing, he said // it was a // there was a signalman in British Railways right? The signal operator in his little shed //and
he // in the highlands somewhere, and he decided he would like a bit of promotion, you know
… Don’t panic this isn’t a dirty one! This
is live television Gay! (I was hoping it would be) I’m sorry! The reason I love it is that it’s so old
fashioned and clean, the way these ‘end of the pier’ comedians used to be. (but
it’s great) (so he says) this wee guy, he wants a better promotion, so he wrote off
to British Rail and they wrote back and sent a guy up. He said “You’ll have to do the signalman’s
examination”, he say “Och Aye, right, fine” He says “Well here’s your first question”
he says “Supposing you’re in your signal box and
2 trains are heading towards each other on the same line, what do you do?” He says “Och, I’d dash over there to my
emergency lever, pull it straight back, thereby activating the signals” . He said “But what if you get there and find
that it’s completely jammed, immovable ?” “Och, in that case I’d rush out of the
signal box, dash along the line to the manually operated points, and ‘deftly’ pull back
the manually operated points” “What if the manually operated points had
been struck by lightning and it was totally immovable?” “In that case I would dash back to my signal
box, up there press the electronically operated button that would put all signals to emergency
on position” “What if the signal box was on fire?” “Well” he says, “In that case I’d
dash down the road and get my uncle Alistair.” He said “Why??” He said “He’s never seen a train crash!!”

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