Laughter is the Best Medicine

Blissfully Unmarried | Free To Watch | Comedy Film | English | Full Length

– [Radio] Let’s Talk,
the talk show where no topic is off-limits. You’ll hear topics from politics, current events, relationships, family, music and yes, even sex. Plus, anything else
that they may discuss around the water cooler,
at the barber shop and at the beauty salon. Join host, Dante the Dark Knight and co-host Darla…. (grunting) As they bring it to you in
a straight, no (mumbling) and sometimes
humorous commentary. And now, the host of
Damn It Let’s Talk, Dante the Dark Knight. – [Dante] Hey, what’s up fans, it’s your man, Dante
the Dark Knight. (clearing throat) (lively music) (engine sputtering) ♪ I can see the Heavens ♪ As I struggle every
day, troubled in every way ♪ When I’m (mumbling) I
get on my knees and pray ♪ Where I stay, my home
isn’t home unless I obey ♪ When I lay, take me
away to a place of a saint ♪ In your arms, and
maybe in your hands (rap music) ♪ With the wings of a angel ♪ We cried to you ♪ I can see the heavens ♪ My feet are off the ground ♪ Of course my eyes imagine ♪ You’re nowhere to be found ♪ So through my dreams,
follow me to the unseen (rap music) ♪ I can see the heavens ♪ My feet are off the ground ♪ I close my eyes, imagine ♪ You’re nowhere to be found ♪ Nowhere to be found ♪ Nowhere to be found – We’re already over budget
for the first quarter. So there’s no more
overtime til the second. – The first quarter
only started last week. – And we’re already over budget. – What? – Look, look, look, look. Settle down guys, settle down. What we’re asking you to do
is do an extra job per day. – Thought you said no overtime. – There isn’t anymore overtime. What we want you to
do is an extra job in your eight hour schedule. (scoffing)
– What? – Look guys, come on. If you don’t like it, you can
always go work for Walmart. They’re always hiring. And Paula, you can
go back to stripping at the Pussycat Club. – I was a hostess Tony. – You say tomato, I say tomato. And also, lateness
will not be tolerated. One last note. We’ve had a string of
robberies out there, so I want everybody
to be careful. Meeting adjourned. You’re gonna have to start
getting here on time. This is becoming a habit. – I ain’t been
late in six months. – Look around at everyone
else here on time. In life, when it’s
time to be counted, (mumbling), which one are you? – Sorry I’m late. Sugar, no cream. – Thanks. Look, I got a big job
for the two of you. – Man, I got more seniority
than half of these dudes, why do I always get big jobs? – Remember, there are no big
jobs, just little technicians. – How would he know, he ain’t
never been a technician. He sure ain’t never been little. – You better stop your
moaning in the morning man. – Yeah, where’s my coffee? – Hey, I was late. I had to give it to the big boy. – You are such a kiss-ass man. – It’s alright to
kiss a little ass. – You two are probably
butt buddies anyway. – Only after two A.M. Or when I’m drunk. When I’m really really drunk. – That’s just nasty. – Hey look, put a wig
and some lipstick, what do you got? – Your wife. – Oh that’s just wrong man. My wife don’t even wear wigs. – I’m telling you man, I
am blissfully unmarried. Single life is not that bad. – Man, you can’t
cook, you don’t clean, you gotta get lonely sometimes. I hate it when I come home
late and Tiff ain’t there. – Yeah well, it was rough
in the beginning, you know. But I got used to it. You know from time to time
I go over to the happy hour and catch the drunk chicks. Sometimes I get lucky
and get a neat freak who cooks breakfast in the
morning and straightens up. – Man, did you ever
find that wallet? – I ain’t even tell you did I? You know this bitch
tried to write a thousand dollar
check at Best Buy. (laughter) Anybody that knows me knows my checking account
is overdrawn. They threw that ass in jail. So uh, you playing
ball this weekend? – Is your wife
bringing the kids? – Ah, ah, ah ex. – Ex-wife bringing the
kids over this weekend? – I don’t know man, you
know it’s a crap shoot. Sometimes she does,
sometimes she doesn’t. – Man, what’s her problem? You pay your child
support when it’s due, you bring the kids over
when you’re supposed to, I don’t get it,
what’s her problem? – Well no, some people
are never happy man. You know what I mean? Like, alright, for instance, remember she wanted
to live in the city? Alright, so fine I move into
the city, what does she say? It’s too noisy. Alright well, fine
I move from the city and I move her out
to the suburbs, what does she say about that? It’s too quiet. I’m telling you man, this
bitch is evil to the core. – No man, no. You know what happened? You gave her what she
wanted when she wanted it, now she wants it all the time. You, you created that monster. – Yeah well, I’ll tell you what, if she ever came up
missing, I’d take credit. – Credit? – Credit, I’m serious. Think I’m playing, I mean
even if I didn’t do it, I would say like, “yeah,
I did it, it was me.” I don’t care if the police
were like, “we got witnesses “puts you a thousand
miles away, we got alibis, “it couldn’t have been you,
you couldn’t have did it.” I would insist that I did it, sign a confession
and everything. – Man, you better stop playing. – I’m not playing
man, I’m telling you, I would spend the next
200 years in jail man. Me and big bubba, just as happy. He’d be trying to bend me
over the bed, I’d have a smile on my face thinking how
somebody did me a favor. – Man, if you don’t stop playing and get your ass down that hole. Yo, don’t forget the bottom
of the steps is weak. I put a request in
about a year ago, but you know how that is. – It’s too late now, I’m
already at the bottom. It’d be just my kind
of luck to fall too. Telling you man, I
cannot catch a break. If it ain’t one
thing, it’s another. Anyway. Alright D., lower
me some tools man. Yo D. Lower the tools. – [Voiceover] Yo,
bring your ass up here. – Who is that, Tony? Man look, stop playing alright? All our safety crap is in order,
so go bother somebody else. – Ain’t nobody playing with you, you know what time it is. Kick up that wallet. – Darrel? – Yeah. – Is this for real? – You damn right this for real, and if you don’t
get your ass up here you can say goodbye to
your boy Darrel here. – Bye Darrel. (groaning) – Tell your boy
we ain’t playing. – Yo man, they not playing. John! – Look, um, no need for
both of us to get jacked. Give em some money for me and I’ll give it back
to you next week. – Don’t make me come down there. If I gotta come down there,
only one of us is coming up. I’m coming down there. (crash)
(yell) – Yo Weezy. – Yo, you better go see what
happened to your boy, man. – Shut up! Weezy! Weezy, stop playing man. (rock music) – [Darrel] John! John! What happened? What happened? Where’s dude? – His big ass fell
off the ladder. – You know that was
messed up, right? – Uh… I knew you’d be
okay, you the man. – They beat me upside
the head with a gun. I’m not alright. I’m really not alright. – Oh, he pistol whipped you. Oh man, I would’ve
come up if I knew you was up here getting
beat like a step-child. – I didn’t say he whipped me. I said he hit me
upside the head once. – Oh, okay whatever. Where the other guy? (rock music) – What’s up? – Don’t be all hugged up on me, you were supposed to
meet me at the bus stop. – Stop complainin’,
I had business. You know I’m trying
to get this money. – You better not be out
there slinging up drugs. – I was with my Uncle Wayne. He ain’t about all that. You know he’s an
upstanding citizen. (laughing) – [Darrel] You don’t know
who you messing with. – [John] That’s right, try that shit with
the electric company. Bet he’s gonna be pissed. – Do you know how much
trouble you guys are in? District wants you both fired. – [Both] Fired? – Yeah that’s right,
and I’m not sure that I disagree with them. False imprisonment,
obscene justice, public nudeness,
urinating in public? And you top it off,
you got a ticket and it’s coming out
of your paychecks. – But he bought you coffee. – Yeah. – It’s not funny. – Listen, I can’t
get fired, okay? I got an ex-wife to support. – No, but you are
gonna get time off. – How much time? – 30 days. – All together? – Each. – If I get suspended, who am I supposed to
borrow money from? Wait, wait, wait, can
I borrow 200 dollars? – Jesus. – Don’t even try it. – Let me get five dollars. – Man, you are incredible man. – Yeah, yeah, I know. Thank you, I need a
soda, you want something? – I guess you buying
it with my money. – [Sing] Anything else? – Have any scratch offs? – Which type? – You pick. Get me something lucky and I’ll
take you away from all this. – This, $4.50. – Picture this, you
me, lying on a beach, nothing but sand between us. A boatload of money,
sipping champagne. – Promise? – Get me these chips man. – How much are they? – A buck. – Don’t have enough. – Yo, you put that lottery
ticket back you have enough. – Too late, started
scratching, can’t return it. – Don’t call me for a month. – Darrel, Darrel. – [Darrel] What? – I think I won. – [Darrel] What? – I think I won a
million dollars. (laughing) – [John] I won, I won!
– [Darryl] We won, we won! We won, we won, we won, we won! – We? – I gave you the money
to get that ticket. You gonna burn in Hell. – I’ll go with some
real expensive shoes. – What are all the noises? – Where the hell
did he come from? – Grandfather, this man just won a million dollar scratch off. – Let me see. He no win, no win! – I scratched four diamonds,
that’s a million dollars. – You no win, card
disqualified, you cheat. – Grandfather, I saw him rub it. – Take this star,
get out of store. – Man, you better
give me my ticket. – Go out of store. – At least I got punked
with a man with a gun, man. – You go! (rock music) (gentle music) – He kicked your ass man. – Man, why you ain’t help me? – Man, help you kick
an old man’s ass? How messed up would that look? – Especially if he kicked
both our asses, right? – All I saw was him doing
the flying claw on you man. – I got a couple good licks in. – Alright, I spoke to the store
owner, and the granddaughter explained that they won’t
be pressing charges. – They won’t be
pressing charges? He tried rob me! – Alright, well listen,
you guys are free to go. – He kicked his ass. – And he kicked my ass. – I’m sorry my grandfather
kicked your ass. – He didn’t kick my ass. – [Darrel] He did
kick your ass man. – Alright, we get it. – [Darrel] Yeah, you did get it. – He would like to apologize. – Grandfather. – What’d he say? – He says how, sorry he is. – He don’t look sorry. Look man, I’m gonna break
you off a big chunk of this. Alright, soon as I
get it squared away. But you gotta promise me that you won’t say
anything to Tiff. – Tiff? Tiff who? My Tiff? – Yes your Tiff, you
tell her everything. – I don’t tell her everything. – Listen, whatever. It’ll go like this, you
tell Tiff, she calls Erica and the next thing you
know I’m back in court paying more child
support and more alimony. So whatever you do, don’t say anything to
her about this ticket. – Yeah girl, a million dollars. – Well honey he’s got
another thing coming if he thinks I’m not
getting my share. Okay, well do me a favor,
keep Darrel busy tonight, so he doesn’t tip off his buddy. – You don’t worry about him,
you go and get your money. – Why you wanna go and do that? You of all people
know how she is. – Let’s forget about them, and why don’t we play
cowboy and Indians. But first we need a safe word. – [Darrel] Wait. – Wait is fine. – No, stop, wait! – I didn’t do six
years of junior college to be outsmarted by an old man. You finished all
your homework yet? – I will. Soon as I finish this game. – Uh no, the game
goes off, you’re done. – Mom. – Don’t mom me, no games until
your homework’s finished. And how many more chapters
do you have left to finish? – Two more chapters. – Alright, so I want that done,
your brother in bed by nine, and your little friend
out of here as well. – Where are you
going all decked out? – I need to go take
care of something. – [Ebony] Like that? – Don’t worry about
what I’m doing, you just make sure your
chapters are finished, your friend’s out of here, and your brother’s
in bed by nine, okay? – Bye Miss Erica. – [Erica] Never mind
all that, just make sure you’re out of my house by nine. – Yes Miss Erica. – Keep an eye on them please. (knocking) – [John] What do you want? – I was out at the club with
a couple of my girlfriends and thought I’d stop
by on my way home. Can I come in? – I’m in no mood for
this, what do you want? – [Erica] I mean,
I’ve been thinking. Maybe I was a little bit hasty. Maybe we are soulmates. – You’re kidding me right? (phone ringing) – Look, it’s John. Hey John. – Hey Tiff, I need
to speak to Darrel. It’s a matter of life and death. – Sorry John, Darrel’s kinda
got his mouth full right now. – Hello? Hello? – Let’s crank this up
a little bit tonight. Let’s say tonight
you be my bitch. (screaming) – You can talk to your
little friend later. How about we talk. – There’s nothing
for us to talk about. Besides, my attorney does
all my talking for me. – And he’s doing
such a fine job. – What are you up to? – Listen, we have two
beautiful children. You know Mark just made
the basketball team and Ebony’s got a
new beau in her life. – A new what? – A beau, a man, a
goddamn boyfriend. Come on, this is
(mumbling) you stupid… Sorry, you know how the wine
goes straight to my head. Why don’t we do a toast. To the kids, to their having a
better life that we ever did. – You always did like
to keep the bar low. – What do you say, how about
one for old time’s sake? – Mm-hmm. There’s only one
reason for this. You think you’re smarter
than me don’t you? But you’re not. I’m no fool. – Why are you so suspicious? – [Operator] We’re sorry,
the number you have dialed… – There’s only one thing I want. – Uh huh, I knew it. A call from Tiffany an hour ago. Knew you was up to something. I stay one step ahead alright? – [Erica] I was gonna
try to give your ass a little quickie
before it kicked in. Just about five minutes
and you would have been in the (mumbling) by then. – Kick in? Kick in what? You bitch. – Your mama’s a bitch. (phone ringing) – Yo, hey, wake up, wake up. What the hell happened in here? – I’m not sure. Last thing I remember was
having a drink with Erica. – You know man,
I’ll bet she trying to get her hands on
that lottery ticket man. – You think? – Please don’t tell me you
had it taken away from you. – Man, two things I’m sure of. One, you can’t keep
your mouth shut. And two, there’s one place
she tries never to touch. – [Both] The stove. – Hey yo man, did you drive? – Yeah, why? – I need to make a stop
before I cash this ticket in. – Look out! How’s the big winner? – I’ll be doing fine
if you still gonna lay on the beach with me. – I don’t think
it’s a good idea. We don’t really know
each other well. – What’s to know? I come in here all the
time, I flirt with you, you flirt with me, what
else do you need to know? – How about something
small like a dinner? We can go to a dinner. – Well, I was gonna
take you to paradise, but I guess dinner’s fine. Is nine o’clock okay? – Perfect. – Alright listen, just make sure you keep your dog on a leash. I don’t wanna get all
nasty Chinese butt juice on my new gators. (laughter) Big winner here,
I’m here to collect. – We’ve been expecting you,
here are the forms you need to fill out, your wife has
already filled out her portion. – My wife? – You didn’t think I
was gonna let you have all the fun without
me did you dear? – Come here. I don’t know what you
think you’re pulling, but the divorce has
been final for a year. – First of all, unhand
me or I make a scene. I’ll have your ass sitting in
County for the next 30 days. – For what? I ain’t
even touch you. – You think that matters? Watch this. Stop, don’t hit me! I’m sorry. – Is there a problem here? – [Erica] Is there? – No, no problem. – Thank you, I didn’t think so. – I don’t know what you’re
trying to pull here, but you’re not entitled
to any of this money. I don’t care about that, I got paperwork
dissolving that union. You better come
better than that. – Um, I think you need
to take a look at this before you dismiss me. – This bitch is crazy. – Yo, you better take
a look at this, man. – Ignore her, let her
run to her lawyer. – Run, why would I have to run? – Good afternoon
gentlemen, lady. How you doing this fine day? Right Honorable Reverend
Doctor Fred Shelling Esquire, pastor, and attorney at law
as well as notary public, if you need anything. Your lovely wife is
suing you for divorce, and I will be representing her
in the divorce proceedings, and under the terms of the
settlement she’ll be entitled to half your winnings,
alimony, and child support. – Why do you keep
calling her my wife? We’re divorced. You represent her,
you should know that. – Not according to this. – This what? – According to that, you
got married yesterday. – Married? I didn’t get married. – Yes, you’ll see right there,
that those are the papers. And that since she is your
wife, she is therefore, according to the terms
of the settlement, entitled to child
support, and alimony, and half of your winnings. – This is an obvious forgery. She ain’t getting away with
that ’cause I didn’t sign shit. (laughter) – But we have video. Yes we do. Yes Lord Jesus, it’s
a beautiful thing. – Do you John Haw
take Miss Erica Haw to be your lawfully wedded
wife in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in
case either one of you all, or both shall not,
I mean if you, as long as you both shall live? Yeah, that’s the ticket, yeah. I’m a take that as a yes. Uh, now do you Miss
Erica Haw take John… – Is that you? – Yeah, yes. Well you see, I’m a
pastor in my part time. Forever for always, for love? – I do. – You do. Excellent, then uh you
may have the rings. There’s no rings? You don’t need a ring. Kiss the bride or something. Hey, hey, kiss the bride. There you go, there
you go, get in there. – Listen, this will
never hold up in court. Not even worried about it, we never even
consummated anything. – Did somebody say consummate? Why don’t you take a look,
we got that on video too. Haha, yes! – Hopefully this time,
we’ll have a little girl. (laughter) – I’m not doing this,
I’m not doing this. I won’t cash the ticket. You cash the ticket. Everything gonna be
in his name, not mine, you don’t get a dime. – Okay, that’s a great idea. Darrel, you cash the ticket,
we’ll cut the middle man out. But you’re gonna need
your wife to sign. Tiffany! That’s right, now his wife
gets half of your shit. Don’t stand there with that
stupid look on your face, make a move. Checkmate punk. – Thanks for
bailing me out, man. Look, where’s the ticket? – The lottery division has it. Luckily you signed it,
before you went all postal. – Tell you what
though, it felt good having my hands around her neck. Damn good. – Since you signed it, no one
else can claim it but you. – Cool, good. Look um, how much was my bail? – 500. – You know as soon as I get
this money thing squared away you’re gonna be the first
person I take care of. I mean, you don’t
have to worry about getting any of your money back. You know that, right? – What do you want? – I still got this
date with Sing Lee. – You just got out of jail, and you still talking
about that damn date? – Man look, I’m feeling
her, she’s feeling me, this is the first time
somebody actually, you know, liked me for me. – All I got is about 100. – That’ll do. – Um, and a car. I’m gonna need your car. – You know, you stretching
this friendship man. – Friends? Man we ain’t
friends, we are partners. Partners, I’m telling you. Being associated
with me and my friend is gonna pay off in ways
you can’t possibly imagine. – How the hell am
I getting home? (doorbell ringing) – [Sing] Hi. – Hi, how you doing? – [Sing] Come in. Let me grab my purse,
then we’ll be on our way. – Okay, cool. Good evening Sir. – I’m ready. – Okay. – We will be late. – Goodnight Sir. – Punk ass. – Did he just… ♪ Girl when I saw you walking by ♪ I had to share
my thoughts inside ♪ What you think about
me and you tonight ♪ Going out and
sharing candlelight ♪ Do you want someone
who’s brand new ♪ Who’d be better to do
things you like to do ♪ Like going out for
dancing and some wine ♪ I never thought I’d find
a love like yours and mine ♪ Tonight I can make
your dreams come true ♪ Girl it’s time if you want it ♪ Girl if you want it ♪ Tonight ♪ I can make your
dreams come true ♪ Girl it’s time,
tell me you want it ♪ Tell me you want it ♪ Let’s take this
night to do the most ♪ Jump in my yacht
and cruise the coast ♪ Long as it’s me
and you I’m cool ♪ We can do anything
you want to do ♪ Take a plane and
ride out to the snow ♪ Destination where you wanna go ♪ Girl I gotta make you see ♪ That I only need
you here with me ♪ Tonight I can make
your dreams come true ♪ Girl it’s time if you want it ♪ Girl if you want it ♪ Tonight I can make
your dreams come true ♪ Girl it’s time ♪ Tell me you want it,
tell me you want it ♪ – I was married to
the actual devil. Seriously, not an offspring,
not a close relative, the actual devil. – It couldn’t be that bad. – Yeah, you say that ’cause
you don’t know any better. I’m telling you, the
devil took human form, came to Earth and sought me out. – How long were you married? – Uh, I got her pregnant
in like high school. However, one good thing
that came out of it was these little bastards. – They are so cute. – Yeah, you think they’re cute, but they’re the
actual devil’s spawn. See this one here, it’s
the oldest, she’s 16. You know what happens to girls
when they reach their teens? – [Sing] What?
– They become bitches. I’m telling you,
it’s unbelievable. – How about your son? – Well he’s all boy, mama’s boy. Kinda blames me for
destroying the family, but uh, it’ll come
to him one day. His mother is pure evil. I can’t wait, you’ll
see, he’ll say it. He’ll say, “she is the devil.” – You are too funny. – Yeah, well. Anyway, enough about my
long depressing life. Let’s talk about you. Aside from having some of the
kindest eyes I’ve ever seen, tell me something
about yourself. – Well, there’s
not much to tell. I was born in China, came
to America when I was three, with my parents. – Where are they at now? – They moved to the West,
taking over the family business. We are franchising Oregon. – Franchising, the
little corner store? – Actually, we don’t have
a store, we have a few. – Oh. – This is amazing. – I know, isn’t it? So um, stores? What you got, three, four? – Actually, more like 72. We own 23 nail salons too. After I graduated from Cornell, I received a Master’s degree from Wharton School of Business, then I got into Harvard
Law, but I decided to take time off to help
family’s business, you know. So how about you, any college? John? Between school and work
I never really had time to be serious with anyone. Never met anyone different. I always meet the same old type. And my grandfather can be
a bit overbearing at times. – That sweet old man,
I hadn’t noticed. – He’s a real sweetheart
when you get to know him. – I think he hates me. – Don’t take it personal,
he hates all outsiders. Once you’re inside,
he really warms up. – Yeah well, until then
I hope you don’t mind me dropping you off at
the door tonight. – I was kind of hoping you’re
not taking me home tonight. – Oh, well that’s no problem. I mean I got Darrel’s car, I can drop you off
wherever you want. I mean, we can… You mean what I think you mean? Ah, well dammit woman, let’s go. It’s a date. (laughter) – Where the hell you been? And who is this bitch? – How did you get in
here, what do you want? – I’m protecting my investment, and don’t worry about
how I got in here. – John, who is this? – Uh uh, don’t worry
about who I am, the better question is,
who the hell are you? – I don’t know who you are,
but I know you need a mint. – Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. Relax, you need to
calm yourself down. – Calm down? I
need to calm down? You gonna let this
bitch come in here and talk to your wife like this? – Your wife? – We’re not really married. – What do you call this? – Where the hell did
you get that from? – You want me to
have the best right? – I’m not paying for that. – You not gonna tell me how
we’re gonna spend our money. – John, is this true? Is she your wife? – It’s complicated. – Complicated? Let me break it
down for you real easy, okay? Half of that ticket belongs
to me, so you need to crawl back underneath
whatever fortune cookie you done crawled out from under. – Why don’t you be quiet? – I think I should just go. – No, no, no, you
don’t have to leave. Let me explain, she is leaving. – Like hell I am. – But… – Well, she seems nice. (techno music) – Let me explain. – We sat in the restaurant
and talked for hours. Not one time you
mentioned you have a wife. I thought you were different. But you’re typical
man, no difference. – Listen, I wanted
to explain it to you, but I didn’t think
you’d understand. – Understand what? Understand that
you’re a typical man, understand that all
you wanted to do is get me into bed and
fill your sick fantasy. – Wait a minute. First of all, staying the
night with me was your idea. Secondly, if we’re
filling my sick fantasy, we would need three
more women and a midget. Do you have a midget, Sing Lee? I didn’t think so. Listen, I never felt for
anybody like I feel for you. Maybe I’m not supposed
to have anybody nice to grow old with, or
maybe the sick fantasy is that I’m gonna have
somebody decent in my life. You know what, just forget it. Never mind, have a nice life. – No, wait! – [Chris] Is he dead? – [Ebony] No, he isn’t dead. I think. – [Chris] His head
always this big? – [Ebony] Yeah. – What happened? – Mom, Dad’s coming to. – Yo G, this old Chinese dude
dropped you off at the… Sorry, sorry. This old Chinese dude dropped
you off at the front door. Said something about
you being cat food. Cat food, I heard of
people being dog food, but not cat food. Next thing you know you’ll
be on next week’s menu, they’ll call it fool young. – Wait, wait, wait, wait. Do I know you? – Oh, I’m Ebony’s dude,
pleased to meet you. Now don’t go getting
all paternal on me, you know we’re not doing
the nasty just yet. Not that I haven’t tried. You know, unless you count head. – What the hell
is wrong with you? – Thought I was
having a nightmare, being robbed by soldier boy. – Robbed? What would they steal, porno
magazines and dirty dishes? Get him cleaned up please. – [John] Where did she find him? – What’s happening Erica? – [Erica] Hey. – Find who? – Chris. – Who’s Chris? – Ebony’s little friend. – Ebony’s got a boyfriend? – Yup, and I hate him. – [Erica] You just met the boy. – Still, can’t put
my finger on it, but it’s something
about him I do not like. – You hate everybody. Especially somebody that’s
dating your little girl. – Darrel, I see you’re
walking with a limp. What happened, you
pull another muscle? (laughter) – Why you still in bed? Shouldn’t you be on
your way downtown? And even more importantly,
where’s my car? – Uh yeah, your friend
decided to go see his little geisha girl and
got beat up by an old man. – Again? How many times you gonna
get your ass kicked? So it was funny as
hell when we got robbed and that punk hit me upside
the head with the gun. – What’s wrong with you? – Nothing, I gotta
use the bathroom. – One, or two? – Two, I’m definitely a two. Wait, wait, wait, before you
go, let me ask you something. Who’s that guy out there? – Who’s out there? – I don’t know, some
guy, and he’s out there. – Who’s out there? – If I knew that I
wouldn’t be asking you. (mumbling) Hi Uncle Darrel! – He’s your uncle? – Not really my uncle,
he’s like my godfather. – Oh, this is not happening. – What’s wrong with you,
you’re turning all white. – Does your uncle work
for the phone company? – Yeah, he works with my dad. – Your dad works for
the phone company? – They work in
manholes or something. You know when I was younger
I used to think it sounded a little gay when I heard
they worked in manholes, but that was before
I knew what… I thought you had to go? – I think I just did. (laughter)
– Ew, you nasty. – Alright, I’m just gonna wait it
out until he leaves. That’s what I’ll do. (knocking) – Fuck that, I gotta
get this money. I don’t care about none
of that, you heard me. My lawyer said if I get
three g’s I can walk. Fuck that bullshit, I done
and did two dimes upstate and I’m not going back. You either get my
motherfucking money, or I’m coming over there
and I’m selling shit. Chris’ punk ass just showed
up, I gotta deal with him. No, fuck that,
I’ll deal with him. You get that money! I know, I love you too Mama. – How you get out? – Fuck all that,
you bounced on me. – No, what had happened
right, was you went down the hole and I ain’t
seen you no more, right? So I was looking down the
hole and dude snuck me. – Oh, he snuck you? – I’m saying though, I
was looking down the hole, and I was calling,
and dude creeped me. You know, we
rumbled for the gun, and I got three shots off, but dude was a beast,
he kept coming. – You got him with all three? – I know I got him
with at least two. Then, he came at
me with the gat, but he didn’t know how to
use it, so I grabbed it. We was tussling and shit, I punched him in the
jaw and he dropped. – He dropped like that? – Like a wet rag. – So, he laid
there, knocked out. – Mm-hmm. – And you still bounced? – No, I’m saying. Dude went down and
I got the hammer. Somebody must have called the
cops from all the bullets, ’cause I heard sirens. – Okay, so this the
gun you had, right?. That’s funny, all the
bullets still in here. – I… – You know I got accepted
to Villanova, right? A full scholarship too. I was gonna be a chemist. Had a full scholarship. All I needed was three
grand for my first year, that’s all, just three stacks. Now here’s the ironic
part, how a nigger like me gonna come up with
three stacks back then? Shit, I barely had enough
money to keep the lights on. But that’s when it all changed. Your dumb ass mother brings
home your dumb ass father. Next thing I know there’s a
crack lab in the basement. Course when we got busted,
I did most of the time since I manufactured
the product. So I never did
make it to college. Shit, I ain’t even
finished high school. So since I’m uneducated,
I failed you, a nincompoop if you will,
maybe you can explain to me, how you got off three shots,
he got off three shots, and all he bullets are
still in the same gun that only had five
bullets to begin with. ‘Cause that magic bullet theory, that shit ain’t
working for me dog. – It was only two. – Two what? – Two shots man, he
only got two shots off. – Look nephew, this
ain’t personal. – I’m sorry man, I’m sorry. What are you gonna tell my mama
happened to her little boy? – Fuck that bitch. – I can get you your money! – How you gonna get money? – My girl’s dad just
won a million dollars and her mom is trying
to gank him for it. – What, get your ass up. You come over here, sit
down and tell me everything you know about that woman,
and that million dollars. (doorbell) – Can I help you with something? – Hello ma’am, I’m
Chris’ Uncle Wayne. – Chris ain’t here. (doorbell) I mean, what are you
stupid or something? I said the boy ain’t here. – I thought, I
thought we could… – Ah, ah, ah, kiss my ass. – Bitch, I know you ain’t just
slammed that door in my face. – Bitch? Oh I got your bitch right here. (zapping) – Mm-hmm yeah, you
gonna have to come better than that,
that’s all you got? (zapping) ♪ That I be right here
’cause I’m there for the ride ♪ And because you are my baby ♪ I put nothing before you ♪ I know we get right
through the storm ♪ Because we were born to (sighing) – Hey, you sure you
told her one o’clock? – I told her, I
told her one o’clock when I spoke to
her this morning. In fact, now that I think
about it, no one has seen her or heard from her since I
talked to her when she left you. – Don’t humor me, okay? I would gladly give
up all this money, and rot in jail if
she came up missing. Matter fact, if something
happened to her, I did it. Write that down. You spelled abduction wrong. Went to one of them
discount colleges? Make sure you write
down that my whereabouts this morning are unaccounted
for and I have no alibi. And I cut her head
off, put that down. – You’re being a bit
excessive, don’t you think? – Listen, you dream your
way, and I’ll dream mine. Put down it was
gruesome, put that down. – Do you want to
be incarcerated? – No, I only want her to have a terribly slow and
painstaking death. – If you hate her so much, why
don’t you just divorce her? – I ought to slap the
shit out of your mouth. I am divorced from her. The two of you got together
and conjured this up and tricked me back into hell. – That’s not the way
the state sees it. – Well I just bet that’s not
the way the state sees it. But I’ll tell you one
thing, wherever she is, and whatever she’s doing,
she’s making my life miserable. – That was incredible. I think I exhausted
every muscle in my body. – Think you choked me so hard
at one point I blacked out, and I’ve never had that
many orgasms in one night. – Hell, this might sound
a little crazy right, and I don’t wanna
freak you out… – Wait a minute, you’re not about to tell
me you’re gay are you? – Hell no! I’m a G. – Listen, with
everything you did to me, even if you were, I don’t
think it would matter. You did things to me I
never did with my husband. – This might sound
crazy, but I feel a real strong connection
I ain’t never felt before. I think I love you. – Love me? Love me? You’ve only known me for… Three hours and 43 minutes. Three hours and 43 minutes? Shit, if you can dig me
like that every time, I might love you too. – Can’t you feel the
cosmic energy in the room? It’s like when the two forces
with the same energy meet, you can feel that. And I ain’t never
felt that before. Never. – I think I feel it too. I mean it’s like
you might be the one I’ve been searching
for my whole life. My soulmate. I mean forget time, and energy and money and the future, it’s about right here right now and all the stars are aligned. And I’m at peace. – Yeah, that’s what
I’m talking about. Why don’t you get
your fine ass up and make a nigger some eggs? – I ain’t no kitchen bitch. Okay, sounds good. So I’ll see you in the morning. Bye. So, I just got off the phone
with Fred, we’ll meet him at the courthouse first
thing in the morning and get this all taken care of. So is nine o’clock okay,
or do I need to make it 10? Why must you always
be so difficult? I mean I’m trying to get this
worked out so we can move on. – You’re not trying
to work nothing out, you’re doing what you always
do, divide and conquer. You come in, divide
up all my cash, and then go back to conquering
your own little world. – You know what,
that is so unfair. I’m the one who
gave up my career so I could be a housewife
and raise your kids. (snorting) – You must be on crack. You didn’t have no career. I knocked you up in high school, and you wasn’t even that bright. – You… Forget it. How did we get here? I mean, we started out, we
were gonna conquer the world. Now we end up here,
how did this happen? – That’s an easy one. I woke up one day,
and you were a bitch. – Don’t act like
this is all my fault. You’re the one who
left me home alone to raise your two kids while
you worked endless hours. Had me feeling like a single
parent, but I had a husband. You have any idea
how lonely I was? Maybe I just needed
some attention, John. Maybe, I was in love and I
just wanted to be loved back. Is that too much to ask? Maybe my emotions
clouded my thoughts. (loud fart) – That’s what I think of
your emotional turmoil. – You know what,
the hell with you. You get me my money
and I’ll be on my way. – You know this would
be a real good time for me to tell you
to kiss my ass, but I’m too mature for that. On second thought, no I’m not. Kiss my ass! – Open the door! Open the door John! I’ll kiss your ass, I’ll kiss it like it’s
never been kissed before. Open the damn door! You know what, you better treat me
with some damn respect. I’ll cut your heart out. Open the door! You know what? I was on your side. I took my vows seriously,
I was in your corner, I was gonna call
a truce with you, til we got this money. But now it’s on. I swear it’s on. – [Wayne] Erica! Erica! I love you! (loud fart) – What kind of truce
you talking about? Erica? (horn blowing) – Erica! I love you! – Wayne what the
hell are you doing? – Professing my love. – This is not the time. – It’s never a bad time
to confess your heart. I’ve had these emotions built
upon my soul for eternity, and I need to share
em with the world. I… – Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Oh no, why don’t you and
me, on second thought, go back to my place
and discuss things the way we discuss em. – Okay yeah, that’s
what I’m talking about. – Ain’t this some bullshit. (sirens) (knocking) – Mm-hmm, what’s the matter, gagging on all the
lies you were… – Is now a bad time? – No, no, no it’s
not a bad time. Not at all, I thought
you were my… Never mind, never mind,
come on in, come on in. – Expecting somebody? – I thought I saw a Jehovah’s
Witness up the block and I don’t want
to be disturbed. You know how they are with
(mumbling) and everything. – This was all wrong. I shouldn’t have come. – No, wait. Wait a second. I know I wasn’t totally
honest initially, but I wasn’t married to
my wife until recently. – So she is your wife? – No, yes. She was my wife and
then we got divorced. And then I met you, but
then I won the money, then I had unconscious sex. But then we went out and I fell
for you and then, then uh… Wait a minute. Married, unmarried,
unconscious sex, married, okay I got it. – Let me ask you a question. So you weren’t going
to come back here and make sweet passionate
love to me all night long and possibly having me fall
deeper in love with you knowing that you have a wife? – Uh, not too sure about
the all night long part, but the rest of it
is fairly accurate. – It seems to me that money
is the major stumbling block. See, if the money is bringing
you more grief than joy then let her just have it. – Let her have it? Listen, if I let
her have the money, then that means she wins. – She wins what? – She wins the game, she wins
the battle, she wins the war. You don’t understand, I
can’t make you understand. Listen, ever since we split,
her major conquest in life is making sure that she
does better than me. So she keeps her foot in my
throat to make sure I stay down. – The only person
keeping you down, is you. Money doesn’t make
you who you are. – Is that some kind of
Asian proverb or something, ’cause I don’t get it. – Goodbye John. – I can’t let her win,
you don’t understand. I can’t let her win. I don’t want her to win
at anything but death. I hope she wins that by a lot. – Wayne, wake up. Wayne. – What happened? – I don’t know baby,
you passed out. – From what? Last thing I remember
is I was talking to you, then all of a sudden
everything went black. – It must have been an aneurysm
or a seizure or something. I don’t know, but you’re okay
now, so let’s move on, okay? I mean, I sort of feel
like you’re my soul mate, and I would do anything for you. – You kicked me out. – Don’t be ridiculous, that was just a little
bit of foreplay. Okay? I would do anything for you. Would you do anything,
anything for me? – Good, ’cause I need
you to get rid of this Chinese bitch who’s
trying to steal my husband. – [John] Hey mama. – About time you came to see me. How’s my grand-babies? – Everybody’s fine mama. – Well I would know that if
you came to see me a bit more. – I know, I know. – And that wretched woman,
anybody cut her head off yet? – Uh, that’s what I came
to talk to you about. Uh, we’re remarried. – Get out! – Mama, calm down. – Johnathan Winters Haw
you get out of this house. You know her name isn’t
even allowed in this house, and you went and remarried
that horrible woman. – Mama, if you would
let me explain. – Explain to me how
I raised a fool. Your daddy would be rolling
around in his grave. – First of all,
Daddy’s not dead. – He will be when he hears this. – Second of all, I didn’t
marry her because I wanted to. – Oh Lord, you done
got her pregnant. Now another rude
big-headed grandchild that won’t come to see me. – No Mama, she’s not pregnant. Listen, I won a million
dollars, she found out about it, drugged me and remarried me. – So she’s not pregnant? – No. – I wanna share
a story with you. Before I met your
father, rest his soul. – Dad’s not dead. – Well he’s dead to me. Leavin’ me for that white woman. It’s only a matter of time
before she does him in. – They’ve been married 20 years. They have two kids,
Chuck and Delian. – Delian, what kind
of name is that? Anyway, as I was saying. Before I met your father, I was seeing this guy who wanted
to tell jokes for a living. Can you imagine that? A grown man who wanted to
tell jokes for a living. We lived together in this small little
apartment in North Philly. When I think back, even
though we struggled, it was the happiest
time in my life. – Then why did you leave? – When I found out
I was pregnant. I had to make a
tough choice for you, stay with the man I love and
struggle with this new baby, or marry your father. – Marry my father? Are you saying what I
think you’re saying? – All you need to know is that I made a
tough choice for you. Your father had a good
job with benefits. He could take care
of both of us. – I don’t believe this. – So I married your father
and I never saw the Cos again. – The Cos? The Cos, he was a comedian,
you lived in North Philly, are you saying Bill
Cosby was my real father? – Hell no, I ain’t stupid. Bill always used a condom. Shit, I would have
rode that train all the way to
the Promised Land. Do you know how much Camille
gets for pocket cash? I was with his broke
ass brother, Russell. I was in love with that
man, but he was telling those corny jokes thinking
he was funny every night. I think he became a barber
or dentist or something. – Uh uh, uh uh,
too much to handle. I can’t hear this. – Listen, I love you more
than anything in this world, and I would not tell you
anything that wasn’t the truth. Don’t let money ruin your
happiness, like I did. Now that Redd Foxx, he
had my toes curling. I wore sandals for nearly a year until my toes straightened out. – Dad, come have a seat. You know she’s
nuttin’ you right? – What are you, what? – Mom, she’s nuttin’ you. Making you look like a nut. You’re letting her bend
you all out of shape. – No, you don’t understand. – Wait, let me finish. You work hard, you do
what you’re supposed to do as a man, what do you
have to show for it? A little raggedy
apartment and a beer gut? What’s that all about? – So, what do you suggest? – The way I see it, you
only have two choices. One, kill her. We both know how
that’ll turn out. She’ll murder you. Or two, let her have the money. Even if you split the cash
you know she won’t rest until she gets every
single cent out of you. – Then she wins. – Dad, if you get back
your peace of mind, won’t you really win? – What are you, like eight? – I’m 10, my birthday is
next month, so prepare. You’re a good man, but your parental skills
need a little work. Take care of yourself, and for pete’s sake,
do a couple of sit ups. – See, it’s just
her and the old man. So you go in and you grab
her and put her in the trunk. – What about that old man? – What about him? It’s an old man. – I don’t know about this. – Look, the streets is talking
and they’re saying you’re it. I thought you were a G? Get in there and get that bitch. And throw her in the trunk. I’m gonna get the car. – Alright. (rock music) Nobody move, everybody
put their hands up. Where’s the old man? (yelling)
(grunting) ♪ One shot for love ♪ Two shots for trust, baby ♪ The third shot’s for us, but ♪ She ain’t coming back ♪ She ain’t coming back ♪ She ain’t coming back ♪ My girl is gone ♪ I take you back see
we was at it for years ♪ A couple fights,
yea we had our affairs ♪ Got through battling tears ♪ Now as simple as
that all appears ♪ I had my fair share of shots ♪ My job had all the beers ♪ Tried to drink away my sorrows ♪ I ain’t want to see tomorrow ♪ I thought all the
answers was in a bottle ♪ The alcoholic theory yo ♪ I can tell you ain’t
really trying hear me though ♪ So go head, drink away ♪ Today has been the
worst day of my life ♪ I know I’m young but
thought she would be my wife ♪ I played the games
she remained the same ♪ But, yo, I just need
another drink hold up ♪ One shot for love ♪ Two shots for trust, baby ♪ The third shot’s for us, but ♪ She ain’t coming back ♪ She ain’t coming back ♪ She ain’t coming back ♪ My girl is gone – So, this says
that once it’s final you will be
relinquishing your claim to your share of the
winnings and your lovely soon to be ex-wife here
will be releasing any claims that she might have to
child support or alimony. – When does this
become official? – As soon as it’s notarized. Thankfully, I’m also
a notary public. Congratulations, you’re
officially divorced. And you, are officially
a millionaire. You wanna, shake my hand. Alright. – Listen, I’m glad you
finally came to your senses. There’s no need for us to fight. We can be friends,
I mean we both want the same thing for
our kids right? – You’re right Erica, you win. I just hope you put
the money to good use. – Well I mean there’s
no winners here. I mean clearly I didn’t
lose, but nobody really won. Well, listen, I got a lot to do. Shopping sprees in Paris. Always wanted to go to Rome, so I’ll probably be gone
for two or three weeks. Do you think you can
take care of the kids for a few weeks while I’m gone? – Sure Erica, I’ll
watch the kids. – I really appreciate that. Um, I guess there’s
nothing left to say. Bye John. – I don’t know what it is
you’re looking for exactly, but I hope you find it. Good luck. – [Erica] I will. I got a million ways to
find what I’m looking for. – Mrs. Haw?
– [Erica] Yes. – Erica Haw?
– [Erica] Yes. – You’re under arrest
for attempted kidnapping. – There’s some mistake. – There is no mistake Mrs. Haw. – Excuse me? – We have Wayne Bryant
down at the station. – What is going on? What are you talking
about, Wayne Bryant? Excuse me, I need to
know what’s going on. (mumbling) I’m not going
anywhere with anybody. – [John] Apparently Wayne
wasn’t the G she thought he was. Once he got finished getting
his Chinese-style ass whooping, he gave up all the tapes and ratted Erica
out in a heartbeat. – [Officer] Okay,
let’s go, come on. – [Erica] You done
got to be kidding me. This is ridiculous! – Please don’t
hesitate to contact me if you ever need an attorney. Mrs. Haw, I’ll have you out
as soon as the check clears. – [John] With all
that behind me, there was only one
more thing left to do. There’ll be no more of this. Now take your old ass
and sit down somewhere. – You know you hurt me. – I know. – How do I know I can trust you? – You don’t. – Then how do I… (gentle music) You have to promise me that my
family won’t scare you away. – I think you better
think about my family before you make any deals. ♪ If I could have it
all I would take it all ♪ And then give it back ♪ Leave it up to me ♪ You see I just want to win – So, you own 26 nail salons? – My family does, yes. – You think I could get
a discount on a pedicure? – As long as I’m
part of this family, pedicures are on the house. – Yes! Now this one I like. – Yeah see, that’s
what I’m talking about. You know I love some
pretty looking feet. Yo, Ebony’s toes are so
cute, make you just wanna put your mouth on em and just… – Boy, if you don’t
stop that foolishness and go in that kitchen and get
them rolls out of the oven. – Yes ma’am. – He seems like
a nice young man, but is he always that talkative? – [All] (acknowledging
the statement) – Hello everybody. – Hey, what’s going on? – Hey, how you doing Miss Haw? – Hanging in there Darrel. Now that I’m here
with my family, all
is right in the world. – [Darrel] Saw Erica on the
highway on the way over here. – Don’t say her
name in this house. With only the
mention of her name brings nothing but trouble. Now where is that
boy with those rolls? – Here you go big mama. These rolls smell… – That’s the kid! ♪ We can make it
through the storm ♪ Promise that I’ll
never leave you girl ♪ I know it’s hard (mumbling) ♪ Just know that
I really love ya ♪ Right now we have the
craziest storm between us baby ♪ So let me wipe the
rain off your face ♪ And all this
thunder and lightning ♪ Hootin’ and
hollerin’ is killing me ♪ We just gotta make
it through this stage ♪ See where it rains ♪ But it sure come down ♪ We’ll find a way
to change the weather ♪ There’s always some how ♪ Ready to see a sunny day ♪ I’m sure you are too ♪ I’m tired and the doctor
said I’m down with the gloom ♪ Take my hand girl we can
make it through the rain ♪ We can make it
through the rain ♪ Just take my hand girl ♪ Sneak and surf past the rain ♪ With me beside you we can
make it through anything ♪ – You know this is
all your damn fault. – My fault? This is your stupid ass idea. Got me in this ugly ass orange. ♪ Doesn’t matter
how much we argue ♪ – [Voiceover] Action! – What happened? – I don’t know, it must have
been a brain tumor or… (laughter) – Look, I’m concentrating. I don’t want to keep
doing this slap over. – I’ll make sweet passionate
love to me all night long. And having me possibly deeper, falling deeper in love with me. Sorry.
(laughter) ♪ You keep me pushing lady ♪ Can’t let this stop us now
we gonna keep moving baby ♪ These winds aren’t strong
enough to break us up ♪ No, no, no, no ♪ We done came too far,
we’ve been here too long ♪ We gonna fix it, yeah ♪ We gonna fix it ♪ We gonna make it
though this darkness ♪

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