Mr. Bobby Lee,
everybody! I used to be on a show
called MADtv. [cheers and applause] It was kind of like SNL
but for Mexicans. 12 Mexicans
watched that show, so if you’re a fan,
Hola, que tal? So I was really excited
getting booked on a TV show because I’m a fat
ethnic guy, right? I didn’t think
that could happen, and so maybe I’ll get laid. You know, who knows?
You know? So I show up to MADtv,
and they didn’t use me at all. I’d play, like,
Chinese Waiter Number Two. They gave me one word to say,
like, “Hello.” “Cut.
Bobby, you’re a wrap.” “Thank you so much.
I’m gonna kill myself.” So over the months,
I developed an eating disorder. I couldn’t stop
eating Vicodin. That shit is delicious. And it started out
with, like, five a day, right? I eventually took 40 a day,
and I’m a small dude, and the reason
why it didn’t kill me, because Asians
are evolved. We have a stronger core
than all of you, and we’re smarter. I’ve never met an Asian guy
with Downs Syndrome, but if I did, I bet you money
he’s just as smart as the average white guy. Instead of straight As,
he gets straight Bs. He only knows
one instrument. 40 a day, and, you know,
it was a disease, and it got worse
and worse. Like, we would have table reads
at 9:00 in the morning, right, on Fox, and I’d be in a strip club
in Tijuana, like, onstage dancing like– “[bleep] yeah.” And so after
about two years of this, they–like,
it drove them crazy, right, so they gave me an intervention,
right, which they’re nice. They’re nice,
good people, right? So I sat in an office. They say, “You’re doing
too many drugs, “and we want you to stop, “and we’ll give you
one more shot. “And we wrote you
a Connie Chung sketch. Can you do it?”
I go, “[bleep] yeah. I’m gonna [bleep] do it.” So that was
on a Wednesday. On a Thursday, a comedian
by the name of Duncan Trussell– he’s very talented–
came to my house. Yeah, he’s very talented. He took all my Vicodin
and just ran away. What an ass[bleep]. And so all was fine
for about five minutes, but then all of a sudden,
I got the shakes for 12 hours. So on Friday, I show up,
and I’m shaking, but in front of the producers,
I’m fine. My face–completely fine,
because I’m a good actor. Would you not agree?
Yeah. So I’m in makeup, right?
And I’m sitting in makeup. And I’m sweating so bad
the Connie Chung makeup is dripping off my face. So I’m sitting there,
and all of a sudden, I hear a noise
in my stomach. It went like this. [slurping noise] And then I told the makeup–
“No, I just ate a banana. I’m really hungry,
you know?” But it was really the Vicodin,
the detox, right? So I show up onstage.
There’s 400 people. I’m sitting there
with the Connie Chung. Now, I have three pages
of dialogue I was supposed to memorize. I knew six words,
all right? So I hear this: “Five, four, three,
two, one, action.” I said, “Good evening.
I’m Connie Chung,” and then I shit my pants. Down my stockings. The audience went… [gasping] Which is what you do
when somebody shits their pants. And I knew
right then and there my career was over. From one night,
it’s over. Ten years of hard work, okay? But I was fine with it,
’cause I wanted to get sober. The producer Dick came up
and goes, “Pack your stuff,”
so I went to the dressing room. I packed all my stuff. I was literally crying,
and I was so sick, guys. I was about to die. And I went to a rehab
the next day, and then a couple
of months later, they found out
that I was sober, right, so they hired me back
on the show. And I stayed on the show–
thank you– for six more years, and I just celebrated
12 years of sobriety. Clap your [bleep] hands.
Clap your hands. [cheers and applause] Thank you so much, guys.
Thank you so much.