– I said it because I
wanted to sleep with you. – Why you switching up on me? (rock music playing) – Hello and welcome
to Cry Battle. This is the show where
whoever cries the most wins. I’m here with King Vader. Are you a big crybaby? – Not necessarily. – You know.
– [Host] Yeah. – I cry when it’s the
right moment, I’d say. – Oh god. Okay, so when is the
last time you cried? – There’s this movie, called ‘Queen & Slim’. – Okay, yeah the
Daniel Kaluuya movie. – And you know, the tears just came out. And I couldn’t hold em back. – So speaking of Daniel Kaluuya, he has a very notorious cry face as seen in the movie ‘Get Out’, directed by Jordan Peele. – Mm. – Can you do this cry face? – Yeah, I can give
it my best shot. – Okay cool, wait
let me send you into this sunken place. Okay I’m like
stirring a little tea. (solemn music playing) You’re now in the sunken place. (scary music playing) – While Vader’s in
the sunken place, let’s look at the stats. (rock music playing) – Okay, so the first round
is crying on command. So that’s just to get a baseline on whether or not you can
force yourself to cry. Do you wanna do it? – I’ma try it. – Cool. (flame throwing sound playing) 3, 2, 1, go. (music beats playing) – Come on. Come on. I feel it. In my left eye. – F**k, f**k you. (scary music playing) Are you going to
the sunken place? (music beats playing)
Oh god. I’ll try and come, I don’t know if I’m allowed. Seems like a black culture thing and not an Asian person thing. – (laughing) – They have a different
sunken place for Asian people. – Oh no. – Filled with parents
who are disapproving. – I’m trying. I’m trying. – (gasping) (crying)
(flame throwing sound playing) – It just won’t happen. – It sounded like I was
jerking off but I wasn’t. – I mean I couldn’t
look at you to tell. – I guess I was tryna like, masturbate my eyes. – Masturbate your eyes, that’s a different term. – I feel like I pre-jizzed, that didn’t really like, fully. (rock music playing) – This next round
is cutting onions. Now, we have a variety
of onions this time, and they’re a little bit older, cause apparently if
you leave onions out, or if they age, they’ll elicit more tears. – Wait, just jump
straight into it? – Yeah, let’s just start. Let’s see some
cutting technique. – All right. So I’m thinking like
a sideways type of, oh my god, these are powerful. – They’re powerful? Are they working? Holy s**t. – I just know, by the time
we’re done with these, it’s gon be bad. – Let’s play a little
game right now. When I say “sad”, you say “childhood”. Sad. – Childhood. – What comes to mind? – One of my first pets
that no one knows about. – What happened? What kind of pet was this? – I owned a turtle
for half of a day, picked him up, you know, took him home, and I was like, “Mom, it’s a turtle.” And she was like, “Get that out of the house.” I asked her could I just
keep him for the night, and then let him go in
the morning, you know. And you know, she agreed. I placed him in
the cardboard box, and I placed him on my balcony. Now I gave him all
the essential things that turtles need to survive.
– Yeah. – I gave him grass, water, Doritos, everything. He jumped off of my
balcony when I was asleep, and when I woke up
he was on the ground. He was dead. – What are you talking about? The turtle was on the balcony,
– Yeah. – It ate it’s way
out of the box, and jumped off? – I had to go
school the next day, you know, I had to look
people in their face. And I’m like, “Hey man,
don’t talk to me man, my turtle just died.” – It committed suicide? – It committed suicide man. – It had a bright future, you know.
– (crying) – Tried to audition
for ‘Finding Nemo’. – Aww yeah, look at me dude. Just look me in the eye. – Yeah. You’re really,
(chuckling) you’re going through it. – Okay, so you
moved from Maryland to Glendora. – Maryland was cool, you know. Shoutout to Maryland, the DMV, I love you guys. – Yeah, shoutout to
the Maryland DMV. I love you guys too. – Like, Maryland
was just getting a little bit too toxic for like, what I was trying
to do, you know. – You had a lot of
haters who were like, tryna like, be like, ay, you can’t do it. Why are you trying to
make all these videos? What’s your goal man? – And you know one day, I did this video,
(flame throwing sound) it was a water bottle video where I go into a job interview. They was like “do you have
any special talents?”, you know. And I walked in there, and I flipped a water bottle. And guess what? It landed. – (laughing)
– And the room went crazy. It was everywere. On television, the news. – Holy shit. Well you know what? – That was a moment.
– So fuck the haters man. Like look at you,
– Fuck the haters man. – You’re here on Comedy Central, you’re crying. You have a tear. – You know what I’m saying? It’s a lava news. (both laughing) (rock music playing) – Okay, so this next round is called listening
to anime music. And it’s just for you Vader. You said if we have
motivational music, that could make you cry. – Yeah. – All right, I don’t know if
we’re allowed to play this. (slow Japanese music playing) (slow Japanese music playing) (flame throwing sound)
– (crying) (crying loudly) (rock music playing) Okay, now for a round
called self-reflection. Where you’ll look in the mirror, – Mhm. – And confront all your demons, and try to see if you can
cry from looking at yourself. – Okay. – All right, and we’ll start in 3, 2, 1. (slow music playing) (slow music playing) (slow music playing) (flame throwing sound) Oh b***h. (chuckling) So your birth name, your birth name
isn’t King Vader. It’s Dominique Barrett, right? – It’s Dominique Barrett. That’s my full government. (flame throwing sound)
– [Host] That’s your what? – That’s my full government. – You got a tear, holy s**t. Looks like encountering
your real self. – (laughing)
– Has made you cry. (laughing) – I was not born King Vader. – (laughing loudly) (rock music playing) – Okay, so the next
and final round is called using cry sticks
and reading movie lines, and seeing who does it the best. – Okay. – Okay, so we’re
gonna use cry sticks, which is what movie actors use when they’re not
good enough actors to cry themselves. It kind of makes your eyes hurt, so be careful. – Oh, okay.
– A little bit, yeah. But you know what, go for it. Who cares? – Yeah, who cares. – Yeah. – It’s like lipstick
for your eyes? – Yeah, you just like, put it under your eye. Like that. Ooh, f**k, okay. – Whoa, okay. I get it.
(chuckling) I understand immediately. – Yeah, kind of
works huh? All right. 3, 2, 1. – Mrs. Stark, I don’t feel so good. (crying)
(flame throwing sound) What did you guys
put in my eyes, bruh? This.
– (laughing) – Yo, this joint burns. – I have been, and always shall be your friend. (flame throwing sound) – I haven’t been happy. One minute of my entire f***ing life.
(flame throwing sound) – I look like a moose.
(flame throwing sound) But a very cute moose. (flame throwing sound) Make all the boy moose go wah.
(flame throwing sound) – I’m just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. (flame throwing sound) Asking him to love her. – We stopped the bleeding. We stopped the bleeding. (flame throwing sound) F**k, just give us a chance, you son of a b***h! You son of a
f***ing c-***-sucker! (flame throwing sound) – Take the blue pill, and the story ends. You take the red pill, and you stay in Wonderland. And I show you just how
deep the rabbit hole goes. (flame throwing sound) – I am inevitable. (claps)
(flame throwing sound) – And I.
(agonizing music playing) Am.
(agonizing music playing) Ironman.
(agonizing music playing) (flame throwing sound) (rock music playing) – Unfortunately, I have won Cry Battle this time. This is just a battle, it’s not the whole Civil War, so, thank you so much
for doing the show, I really appreciate
you opening up. – It was a good cry.
– [Host] Yeah. – As one may say, so. – Yeah, well I’m so
glad that I could help coax that liquid out of you man. And thank you guys, and remember to let it
out every once in a while. (solemn music playing) (beeping sound) – I think we should break up. – What?! What are you talking about? – You’re just
always quoting like, TV shows and movies. And you’re always bouncing, and you’re doing
special effects. – You said you love that stuff. Why? – I thought you had
more money than you do. – Oh my god! (both crying) – You was supposed
to be the chosen one! The chosen one, Anakin! (swooshing sound)