Cerita Cintaku (My Love Life) is a comedy show that is split into two parts: In the first part, I perform a skit about love and family for about one hour. You can see his neck vein popping… In the second part, the audience get to write their love story in paper for me to read. If they write their name, that means they are willing to be called forward. Here’s a clip from one of the shows. Cerita Cintaku. Let’s start. I met a girl through an online game. We decided to meet up, but then I waited for her for 8 hours. That’s a long wait. Then a chubby bearded guy arrived and apologized for being late. Also for lying to me. The whole time. Gosh. My feeling was right, today’s show is full of weird people. Once, I had a crush… At the beginning when we started getting close… I used to drive her everywhere. After a while, I noticed that she saved my number on her phone as… Grab Driver. Who is this? It’s anonymous. It’s so sad. That poor guy. Okay, next. I’ve been dating for 8 years and we decided to open a savings account for our wedding. Now, this is good. This couple is financially intelligent. We even started our own Wedding Organizer company so that we can use it for our own wedding. Smart. But then she ended up getting married to someone else and I had to organize that wedding. He went from smart… …to stupid. I don’t know what to write lol. Then don’t write you ****! Why would you? If you don’t want to write, then don’t! This person said “I don’t know what to write lol.” I’m watching Cerita Cintaku with someone else’s girlfriend. Dang. You live life on the edge. So who wrote this? It would be awesome if you come up here. I’ll give you a t-shirt. Show us the t-shirt. Let me. Let me show you the t-shirt. Right. It’s not worth your pride, though… It would be awesome if you come up, still. So, who is it? Who came here with someone else’s girlfriend? Awesome! Oh, he’s coming up! – Have a seat.
– Okay. Okay then. Just for one t-shirt… He didn’t write his name, which means he wanted to remain anonymous, right. But when I mentioned the t-shirt, he was like… Should I go up the stage? – I’m gonna ask you a couple of questions.
– Okay. Dear God. The first one. You’re watching this show with someone else’s girlfriend. Why did you underline “someone else’s girlfriend”? It’s underlined here. So you wrote it like… “someone else’s girlfriend”… Right? Am I right? – Yeah.
– So why did you underline it? Just to emphasize. Damn. Damn. Long live ****! And now, the second question. Why did you draw a smiley? Look, he added a smiley. “I’m watching this show with someone else’s girlfriend…” “Smiley face.” Why? So it would appear sweet. What? – To make it sweet.
– To make it sweet? Yeah. And what does that have to do with me? – Nothing.
– Nothing? Were you expecting me to say “Oh, how sweet.”? Nah. Okay. Now, please tell us. Since you’re here already, and you got the t-shirt… What made you finally admit that you wrote it? Don’t say it’s just for the t-shirt. For your content on YouTube, I guess. – I mean…
– Amazing. That’s amazing. Are you the admin of calonsarjana? Maybe? So tell us who this girl is. Is she really someone else’s girlfriend? Yes, she really is… Please don’t try to make jokes like… Someone’s girlfriend, I’m that someone. I’m not having that ****. Don’t you dare make jokes here. I will rip this t-shirt. I will rip it. So she’s really someone’s girlfriend. – I think so.
– Okay. Then… this is a yes or no question. Okay. Is she… …human? I mean, I can see her legs. – Okay.
– Okay. Is she… …your side chick? Not really. Can you stop with the piercing stare please? – Nobody has ever died on this stage yet.
– Oh? So she is not your side chick? – No.
– Okay. Are you her side dude? Yes or no? Just admit it. I hope not. Who is she? I have a bad feeling, ****. So WHO is she? She’s a friend. But she’s dating someone? Yes. So you’re friends with her, and she has a boyfriend. Yes, she has a boyfriend. Are you in love with her? I mean, I’m just asking. You can be honest. You’re a man. I’m also a man now. Now?! Maybe she doesn’t know. Maybe, just maybe… You’ve been friends with her for years. Then she met someone new. And then she started dating that person, but you’re still friends. Because she’s known you longer than she knows her boyfriend. She doesn’t want to lose you as a friend. But she also doesn’t want to lose her boyfriend. And you just accept that fact. Am I right? How long is this gonna take? I kinda wanna go back. What the heck? What is going on? I don’t understand. What the heck? You’re making jokes. Now usually… When people start making jokes like this… They’re hiding something. That’s what I did yesterday when I punched a robber. Am I right? About what? About… Listen… Okay, okay, it’s fine. It’s okay. Let me just ask you this. Back then, now this is in the past, okay? It could also mean up until now. It could also mean you don’t anymore. Okay. Back then. Back then… Have you ever had feelings for her? Yes or no? Do I really have to answer? I mean, it’s fine if you don’t want to. If you don’t answer, we can all assume the answer is yes. If not then you can just say no, right? If you’re afraid her boyfriend might be watching, I can turn off the camera for you. So only the people in this room will know. She will then go home, aware of your feelings. She will know your feelings and tomorrow… …you will die because her boyfriend stabbed you. That’s what’s gonna happen. I can turn off the cameras if you want. This is a safe place for all of us. – No need to.
– No need to? Okay. Okay. – Let me repeat the question.
– Okay. Back then! Back then… This could mean up until now, or not. Back then. Have you ever had feelings for her? – We’re talking about the past, right?
– Yeah, that’s right. He’s starting to open up. Take it easy. Calm down. …and now sleep! Okay. – So back then, right?
– Okay. Did you have feelings for her back then? Yes or no? Back then. Okay. I did. I love wrecking people’s relationships! Yes! Thank You, God. Okay. – So back then?
– Yeah, in the past. Did she know? – Sorry?
– Well, I don’t know who she is… So I don’t have to face her, I’ll just ask you. Let’s just keep her safe. Just you. Does she know that you once had feelings for her? Uhm, I don’t think so. So she just found out about it now?? This will be… are you taking her home? Of course. This will be a long and awkward ride home! Do you drive a car or a motorbike? – A motorbike.
– I see. Then later… …on the bike… This is fun! Can I come home with you? Can I? I want to see how it goes! **** Just imagine how fun it would be. This is what I think would happen.
You’re gonna go back to your seat… You sit down. You sit down, right? I think… Everything will continue. I will pick another story. The person will come up and tell a story. You will be watching me, laughing… …when in fact you have no thoughts, head empty. Then she will be like “what am I supposed to do now?” Then you both will go home, still saying nothing as you reach the parking lot. You’ll be like… “Here’s your helmet.” She’ll put it on… …backwards. You’re all set. Then you’ll be on your way. You’ll feel the night breeze on your face. Then she’ll say… “Was all of that true?” You just got punked! I don’t know where she is, I just randomly pointed. I think I pointed at a guy. Okay. Okay. Let me ask you something. Sure. Be honest. Of course. Who bought the tickets to this show? – Honestly?
– Yeah. I did. And you invited her? Well, I had an extra ticket, so of course… What do you mean an extra ticket?
You bought two, didn’t you? – I did have an extra…
– What’s your name? Bayu. Bayu, yeah, you bought two. I remember. That’s okay. Bayu, thank you for being honest. I hope this inspires all of us. Because I know. I’ve been there. Loving someone… …and you’re too scared to tell them… …because if you do, you might lose a friend. Okay. And then you’ll pretend to be happy for her. Which is okay. But remember. Regret is the stuff that we didn’t do when we had the chance to. Got it. – Thank you, Bayu.
– Thank you. Let’s watch him. Lights on him! Bayu just became a hero for all of us today. But for her boyfriend, he’s ****. “I trusted you, Bayu!” No hard feelings, alright, Bayu? I’m sorry… …Bayu’s future girlfriend, I mean… Shouldn’t have said that. Sorry, Bayu’s friend. No hard feelings, okay? I don’t really care about… …how you both will end up… Date her. Date her. Date her you ****. Next story. My mom would always disapprove when I start dating someone. She would always say, “I have a bad feeling about this.” And I have been single until now. Now, I would always ask for my mother’s permission before I fall in too deep… …but she approved none of them. The solution is to find a new mother. Let me pick this one. Okay. I was on a date on a flyover when the police came. Did this really happen? You can get caught by the police on a flyover? Isn’t it okay just to hang out by the flyover? I have no idea. I was on a date on a flyover when the police came. My boyfriend sped up until the front of his bike lifted off the ground… …and I fell off the bike. I was taken to the police station. That’s too bad. Imagine you were chilling, the police came, you drove away but you fell… Can someone check if anybody has a dent on their head? I have a crush on a girl at work. Okay. I started following her on Instagram Okay. A week later… …I found out my dad started following her too. Oh, God. My dad started following her on Instagram. I unfollowed and blocked my dad on Instagram. You poor thing. Next. My love story, exclamation mark. I saw my fiancee cheating on me at the mall. I treated the two of them to dinner. And then they asked for more. My era was better, huh? Dear ex. What ex? Whose ex is this? What? Dear ex. Edo? Edo R.B. Where are you? Come on up, you wrote your name. I’ll give you a t-shirt. One t-shirt for Edo. Come on up, Edo. You’re friends with that ****? Oh, God. Are you guys in a chatroom full of **** people? He’s my brother. Your brother?! Gosh, I wouldn’t say that if I were you. Have a seat. [This person is Bayu’s older brother] Now, hold up. So you bought tickets… You took a girl you have a crush on… …and you brought your brother too? What is happening? Where do you live? – Depok.
– Oh, Depok? And that is your brother? Yes, he is. Your… – Your real brother? – Yeah.
– Okay. I mean I wasn’t expecting any other answer. Like, would you say it’s your “brother”? I don’t know what goes on in Depok, alright. Maybe it’s normal there? – So that’s your brother.
– Yes. Okay, now let me ask you and please be honest. Get your mic ready. Did your brother tell you about this girl? Just be honest. – He used to date someone else.
– Who? My brother. Why are you telling me this? Okay, and? But he never told me about this one. – He never told you?
– No. – At all?
– Yup. You see, I bought four tickets… – So who bought the tickets?
– I did! You’re a liar! No, no, we split the bill. – Oh, I see.
– Yeah. So I got us four tickets. Four tickets. Since I’m single, I invited my friend. Your friend? – That’s your friend?
– Yeah. So the three of you are girls… I mean, three guys… And that girl is your brother’s crush. Didn’t you ask your brother… Among all the friends that you have… I mean, I’m bringing a guy friend. Why are you bringing someone’s girlfriend?
Didn’t you ask that to your brother? I asked him yesterday. Oh, this is fun. – This is turning into counseling.
– That’s okay. They won’t kick me out of the family if I be honest, right? How would I know? I’m not your father. How would I know? I don’t even know your family. Maybe I do have your birth certificate. But your family’s ID? Just tell us the story. How did you catch your fiancee cheating? – So this happened two years ago.
– Alright. I was at a meeting at this mall… Which mall? Just say it. It starts with Blok and ends with M. So Blok M? Okay, and? I was meeting with a customer. Oh, what do you do? – I work in IT.
– IT? Okay. The clown, right? IT? Exactly. – I work in the sewers, you see.
– Right. Can you tell your brother to stop? The unfunniness runs in the family. Okay, go on. I saw her coming out of the cinema. Who? Oh, your girlfriend? Oh, ****, it was your fiancee. Damn. So you were going to get married? Yes. Did you have a date set? It should have been this year. Damn. Unbelievable. Okay. That means… She cheated on you. And your brother is someone’s side dude. And? Is this karma? Yes. Enjoy your karma. Go on. So I saw the two of them… Was this at… sorry, I often go to Blok M too. Was this at Blok M Square or Blok M Plaza? – Blok M Square.
– I see. The cinema is near the parking lot, right? – It’s usually crowded.
– It was. What did she watch? Speederman. It’s Spiderman. Speederman… You know, he’s friends with Avenjers. Yeah, that one. Do you know Eeron Man? Eeron Man. Eeron Man. Have you watched Jokker? No? You should watch Jokker. Jokker is good. How about Danoor? Danoor? No? Danoor 3? Ew, you spat. She was walking out of the cinema. What happened? – So she watched Spiderman?
– Yeah, the two of them. When she walked out… …my friend said “hey, that looks like your fiancee.” So I called her. Twenty times. But you saw her there. My friend saw her. – Oh okay.
– I called but she didn’t pick up. I’m sorry this is called a mic, if you would just… We can hear you better. So I called her 20 times but she didn’t pick up. I was about to head home. In my head, I was praying. If she’s the one, please give me a sign. If not, then just take her away, God. Yeah, I guess. Right? – I often do that.
– Right. I think 4 people died already. And then? I was fiddling with my phone as I was walking to the parking lot. – Right.
– To go home. Then they showed up in front of me. The two of them. At the parking lot? – All of a sudden?
– Yeah. From the ventilation… or? What do you mean all of a sudden? How would a person just magically appear? It was like from the… …there’s like a turn at the ground floor. Es Teler? (A fast food chain) There’s an Es Teler on the ground floor, right? I’m sorry. Are you okay? I know the mall. I know Blok M Square. So the Es Teler on the ground floor. Right, I went by that place because I was going home. Right, coz you were heading to the motorbike parking lot. As I was walking… I bumped into them because they were heading into Es Teler. – She was with another guy?
– Yes. So how did it go? You were walking, and then there’s the two of them… Did you say… “You’re just like my brother.”? Watching a comedy show together is even worse then seeing a movie together. Oh, God. – Sorry.
– Why are you pulling it away? Nothing. Okay, go on. I saw them in front of me, then out of reflex I asked… Have you guys had dinner? And then he obnoxiously answered “No, not yet.” Did you know this person? – I don’t.
– You don’t? You mean the guy? How about the girl? Do you know her? What story are you telling us? I don’t know the guy, but the girl was my fiancee. I think it’s weird because you were there… …about to go to Es Teler. And then she appeared. Your fiancee, right? She was with a guy. I know she was with a guy. What, you think the guy disappeared into thin air? So it was the two of them, and you saw them. So, your thought process was… Your fiancee, her side dude, you, Es Teler… “Have you guys had dinner?” That doesn’t make sense! It was out of reflex. But you were hurt, right? At that moment? At that time I just thought… This is not right. I didn’t say it out loud because it would have turned into a fight. So be it. I would have fought if I were you. No, really. I’d be like “who the hell are you?” I’ll say to him. “Come here you!” “Come here but not too close.” I would do that. “Come forward but stop here.” This is the line. Come here. Stop! No, closer! I would do that. Well, I asked them if they already ate, and then he said not yet. He said they had just finished watching. This is madness. – So I asked him what he wanted to order.
– What did he order? – He got nasi goreng.
– Nasi goreng. And my ex got the same thing. When we were done, he asked if he could order more. Who asked for more? The guy. **** This is crazy. So what did you say? Did you order more? I said it was up to him. Then how did you break up? I was planning on telling her parents. Because it was a family problem, right? – Because we ended up canceling the wedding.
– Right. – Have you paid for the venue?
– Yes. When was the date? This year. That means you can use it. You can use it. You have a venue already. A man’s worth is measured from his commitment. As you head back home on your bike, tell her “Now you know my feelings. Marry me.” And you’re done! It took me a while to propose. **** you. You should watch Joker, you look like him. You look exactly like him. So you broke up and it’s over, right? – Yes, it’s over.
– So now… You can’t get your money back from paying the venue, right? So you need to quickly find another woman… – …so you can still use the venue, right?
– Right. Right? That’s why I ordered four tickets. I posted it on Instagram. “Who wants to come with me? Doesn’t matter if you have a boyfriend.” So that’s where you got the motivation? The post is still up on my Instagram. Thank you for that information. I really needed it. – Thank you.
– Thank you. – Edo, right?
– Yes, Edo. Wow, my show… …is becoming a place for people to cheat. Damn. That was so much fun. I can’t believe it runs in the family. Is your house located near a chemical lab? You might have been exposed to some sort of radiation.