Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Chris Porter • Tommy Chong Comedy At 420 • Part 4 | LOLflix


I’VE NEVER SMOKED POT, AND SAID BUT MAN, I COULD USE SOME COKE RIGHT NOW. IT WAS AIT’S MORE OF A DOORWAY DRUG. YOU GET GREAT IDEAS… THAT’S RIGHT. BUT THE MINUTE YOU WALK THROUGH THAT DOORWAY, YOU CAN’T REMEMBER CHIT. THAT’S REALLY THE ONLY EFFECT I HAVE WHEN I DON’T HAVE WEED, IS I CAN’T SLEEP. LIKE, THAT’S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT POT, IS THAT WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE IT, YOU’RE NOT LIKE, “OH, GOD DAMN IT!” YOU’RE JUST LIKE, “ALL RIGHT, I’M REALLY PRODUCTIVE RIGHT NOW.” I’M GLAD GOT ALL MY CHIT DONE, AND IT’S NOT EVEN NOON YET, SO ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES I EVER GOT TO FEATURE ON THE ROAD WAS FOR YOU, IN SOUTH BEND, INDIANA. AND, UH, SHELBY WAS KIND OF ON YOU ABOUT SMOKING AT THE TIME, SO… YEAH. SHE WOULD GO ONSTAGE AND YOU AND IYOU WOULD FILL A BONG WITH COORS LIGHT… YEAH. AND WE WOULD DO BONG RIPS. AND THEN AFTER THE SHOW THIS GUY PULLED UP IN A LIMO AND PULLED OUT, TO DATE, ONE OF THE BIGGEST STALKS OF WEED I’VE EVER SEEN, AND WE JUST SAT. AND HE HAD A JOINT, IT WAS LIKE THIT LOOKED LIKE A DRUMSTICK… EH, DAMN. THAT WAS ON FIRE AT ONE END. AND WE SAT IN THAT LIMO AND GOT JUST WASTED… UH-HUH. AS THE AUDIENCE WALKED OUT. AND WE JUST WAVED. THE SMOKE IT LOOKED LIKE ONE OF YOUR MOVIES, ‘CAUSE THERE WAS LITERALLY JUST SMOKE JUST BILLOWING OUT OF THIS LIMOUSINE. ISN’T IT FUNNY? MYMY WIFE STILL GETS ON ME ABOUT SMOKING. YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED THIS OUT YET? YOU MAKE SURE YOU PICK YOUR BATTLES. I’M 75 YEARS OLD, MAN. I STILL SNEAK. YEAH. HEY! BIG TREAT! FUNNY MAN RIGHT HERE. CHRIS PORTER! GIVE IT UP! CHRIS PORTER. GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING. I’M DATING AGAIN. I HATE IT. I DON’T DO VEGAS, I DON’T DO DANCE CLUBS, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. THIS. THIS IS NOT MY MONEY-MAKER. I GOT TO IMPRESS THEM WITH MY WITTICISMS. I DON’T HAVE A DANCE CLUB LOOK. I CAN’T WALK THROUGH SOME DARK CLUB AND JUST BE LIKE, YOU… LET’S GO. RIGHT? NO. THE ONLY GIRLS FOLLOWING ME ARE LOOKING AT HER FRIENDS LIKE, “LADIES, COME ON, WE’RE GOING TO A CHOCOLATE FACTORY. IT’S GONNA BE SWEET.” YEAH, LAUGH IT UP. IT’S HILARIOUS. THIS IS WHAT IT DOES! THIS IS WHAT IT DOES! I DIDN’T GO TO A SALON AND SAY, “FN WONKA ME,” ALL RIGHT? YOU THINK I’M AT THE HOTEL WAITING FOR CURLERS TO SET? NO! I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER, AND THIS IS WHAT IT FN DOES! YEAH, AND IT’S NOT GONNA DO THIS FOR LONG, EITHER. FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT THE OTHER DAY, THAT’S HAPPENING. LOOK AT IT, JUST STARING AT YOU. JUST A GIANT COUNTDOWN TO AWFUL. DANCE CLUBS ARE SKETCHY ANYWAY. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING HOME WITH TILL IT’S TOO LATE. RIGHT, IT’S SO DARK IN THERE, YOU WALK OUT AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING, THE STREETLIGHTS HIT HER. YOU’RE LIKE, SO, BABE JESUS CHRIST! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHNO, IT’S NOT YOU. I SWEAR, NO. I JUST BROKE MY LEG. I APOLOGIZE. I HAVE A CALCIUM DEFICIENCY. I THINK I SNAPPED MY FEMUR COMING THROUGH THE DOORWAY. I’M GONNA HOBBLE TO THE HOSPITAL. YOU SHOULD GO HOME. I THINK WE NEED TO PUT OUR CELL PHONES DOWN AND START LIVING LIFE AGAIN. I’M TIRED OF HANGING OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE ON THEIR PHONES TEXTING PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T JUST DRIVE TO SEE THEM. THEY’RE NOT A STATUS SYMBOL ANYMORE! I SAW A HOMELESS GUY WITH A CELL PHONE YESTERDAY. THAT’S WHERE THEY’RE AT NOW. YOU CAN GET ‘EM OFF YOUR FN BELT. WHY DO YOU NEED YOUR CELL PHONE ON YOUR BELT? ARE YOU AND ANOTHER DOUCHE BAG GONNA HAVE SOME KIND OF DUEL? AND FACEBOOK’S MAKING US BORING. I KNOW IT’S FUN TO KEEP UP WITH EACH OTHER, BUT NOW WHEN WE ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY SEE EACH OTHER, WE GOT DICK TO SAY ‘CAUSE WE POSTED EVERY FN THOUGHT OR ACTIVITY. YOU GOT YOUR FRIENDS THAT POST EVERYTHING, LIKE SOMEONE GIVES A CHIT. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING! IF YOUR LIFE WAS THAT GODDAMN INTERESTING, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TIME TO FACEBOOK ABOUT IT EVERY FIVE FN MINUTES! I GOT FRIENDS I HAVEN’T SEEN IN A YEAR AND A HALF STILL ANNOYING THE CHIT OUT OF ME. “I JUST PUT MY KIDS TO BED AND NOW I’M CLEANING THE REFRIGERATOR.” ARE YOU CHITTING ME? WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP IN A CONVERSATION? THAT YOU CLEANI WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE FN FACE! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I ASK YOU WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT, AND THE EXTENT OF YOUR ACTIVITY WAS CLEANING THE REFRIGERATOR, YOUR PROPER RESPONSE IS, “FN NOTHING. I DIDN’T DO CHIT LAST NIGHT!” ‘CAUSE YOU START TELLING ME A FN REFRIGERATOR CLEANING STORY, THAT CHIT BETTER GO SOMEWHERE! LIKE, “OH, AND THEN I FOUND A BRICK OF WEED I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD,” OR SOMETHING. I’M PART OF A GENERATION I DON’T UNDERSTAND… WHICH I THINK IS FAIRLY OBVIOUS IF YOU TAKE TWO SECONDS AND FN LOOK AT ME. I DON’T LOOK LIKE SOMEONE MY AGE. I LOOK LIKE I WALKED OUT OF AN ALLMAN BROTHERS PHOTO. WHICH I LIKE. I LIKE HOW I LOOK. I BOUGHT THIS CHIT. I THINK A LOT OF YOU FRS LOOK WEIRD. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS, WHICH IS FINE. GET A TATTOO. GET NINE TATTOOS. I JUST DON’T THINK YOU NEED A SLEEVE OF TATTOOS. I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO BREAK THIS CHIT TO YOU, BUT YOU’RE GONNA GROW OLD. AND THAT CHIT AIN’T GONNA LOOK RIGHT. NO. YEAH, YOU’RE GONNA BE “GRANDPA DARK ARMS.” AND ALL THE GRANDKIDS ARE GONNA HAVE QUESTIONS LIKE, “WHAT THE FK IS WRONG WITH YOUR ARMS, GRANDPA?” AND THEY’RE GONNA SAY, “WHAT THE F,” TO YOU, ‘CAUSE THAT’S THE KIND OF FAMILY YOU’LL RUN, ‘CAUSE YOU HAVE TATTOO ARMS! AND YOU’LL HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD. WELL, BUDDY, THIS USED TO BE A SERPENT. BUT THEN MY LIVER SPOTS CAME IN, SO NOW I JUST TELL PEOPLE IT’S A RUN-OVER CHEETAH. THIS IS MY TRIBAL TATTOO. “GRANDPA, WHAT TRIBE ARE YOU IN?” I’M IN THE TRIBE OF GUYS WHO HAD $150 IN THE MID-’90s. WE ARE A MASSIVE TRIBE. WE ALMOST CONQUERED EVERY GYM IN AMERICA. AND PIERCE IT UP. GET ALL THE PIERCINGS YOU WANT, ‘CAUSE THAT CHIT WILL GROW BACK WHEN YOU’RE TIRED OF BEING MAD AT WHOEVER YOU’RE MAD AT. IT’S THE GAUGING OF THE EARS I DON’T GET. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT GAUGING IS, THAT’S WHERE THEY STICK THE DISKS IN THEIR EARLOBES TO MAKE THE HOLES IN THEIR EARLOBES BIGGER AND BIGGER AND BIGGER TILL IT’S A GIANT “F YOU” TO A JOB WITH BENEFITS. F YOU, RETIREMENT! I’M GONNA WORK AT THIS SUB SHOP TILL I DIE. YOU’RE LUCKY YOU DON’T HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS WITH THOSE BIG-ASS HOLES IN YOUR EARS. PROBABLY WAKE UP WITH TWO DICKS IN YOUR FACE. LOOK AT HIM! HE’S A STORMTROOPER! LOOK AT HIM. LOOKI’M FN YOUR EAR, DAVE. I’M FN YOUR EAR. DO YOU FEEL LIKE A REBEL NOW? YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN, MAN. I APPRECIATE IT. PEACE AND LOVE.

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