Yeah. Give it up for Sean “hazed a
lot in high school,” everybody. Ain’t he the gayest? Now, I am the least-known
person on this dais and some people are like,
“Who the hell are you?” And I’m gonna tell you
who I am. I’m the only person
in 44 seasons of “SNL” to actually show up
for Alec Baldwin ass. And for the last time, Alec,
man, I am not Michael Che. […], stop calling me that. Blake, you’ve got
the dumbest face. You look like a rhinoceros
looking for his own horn. Where is that?
Up there, down there? Little two-eyed cyclops.
I don’t like it. Blake, you look like
nine different races all working together
to make sure you never win a championship. [laughter] Hey, Caitlyn. You goddamn hypocrite. You’re, like,
against gay marriage. You voted for Trump. You’re like the Auntie Tom
of the trans community. I mean, okay. I mean, you did open the door
for trans people. But then you ran in
and slammed that shit shut behind your flat ass. [cheers and applause] I like these jokes. Caroline looks like she leaves
her baby in a hot car to meet firemen. Look at you over there. Looking like Caitlyn Jenner
got a sex change at a Build-A-Bear workshop. Very progressive store.
Very progressive. Jeff Ross looks like
Caitlyn’s old dick coming back to haunt her. But at least it
put a suit on, baby. That’s nice. Adam Carolla’s here. Adam really tells it like it is if you’re also an insecure
white supremacist. [cheers and applause] I saw you on
“Dancing with the Stars,” girl. You got two left hooves,
don’t you? Watching Nikki salsa dance
was the worst thing a white person has done
to Puerto Ricans since Trump
threw paper towels at them. Robert De Niro, baby! It’s an honor to be up here
with you, man. And to follow up on our
conversation backstage, no, I have not
been on your lawn. I don’t know where you live. But I do know your ex-wife
owns that house now. You know what I mean? Once you go black,
you never go back. But you go broke.
Right, Bobby? Yeah?
Yeah? You old, you old,
you old, you old. It’s okay. Robert, man, you’ve given us
so many amazing performances. “Goodfellas,” “Awakenings.” But tonight, man,
it’s gonna be the best one yet. It’s gonna be
the old Italian man trying to figure out
trans pronouns in front of a live
studio audience. Speaking of people
that cut my screen time every Saturday night, Alec motherfucking Baldwin,
baby. [cheers and applause] Please give it up right now
for this Emmy-winning, bread-faced river pig.
Give it up. – What? – Honestly, Alec, we got a lot
in common, man, you know? We both work on “SNL.” We both fuck women my age. And we both
have to check Instagram to see what
your daughter’s up to. I’m just– I’m just trying to be the first
black man in Ireland. You know what I’m talking about?
You know what I’m talking about? You know what I’m talking about.
You know what I’m talking about. You know what
I’m talking about. She know what
I’m talking about. I’m just playing.
I’m not the first, but… Alec once said
black people love him because he plays
Trump on “SNL,” and that is not why
we like you, Alec. We like you because you have the same eye color
and temperament of every pit bull that we’ve
loved and had to put down. I miss you, Tiki. She used to bark at kids too,
you know? But honestly, Alec, man,
I admire you, dog. You’ve punched paparazzi,
you’ve yelled at cops, and you’ve lived
to tell about it. And you had me here
on this roast. That means a whole lot
to me, man. You my nigga, Alec. Don’t say it back, though.
Do not say it back. [upbeat music] – You’re fucking funny, man. – The Comedy Central Roast
of Alec Baldwin