Hello, boys, girls and gender-fluid anime warriors. And welcome to the Milky Monday’s Christmas special! Now I know what you’re thinking. Mikey, what qualifies you to talk about Christmas? Well, me and Santa actually have a lot in common. For example, we both like leaving children’s rooms with empty sacks. I don’t know if you guys have seen the weather. But it looks like my girlfriend isn’t the only one getting three inches this winter. As you all know, Christmas is a time for family. And I love my family. I phone my dad every single day. And one day, he’ll pick up. As for my mum, she was doing great. She climbed to the top of Kilimanjaro, but everything went downhill from there. And my little cousin, well he’s at the age now, where, it’s uh, only incest. *mikey gets demonetized* As for my Nan (God rest her soul), she always said our generation relies too much on technology. But she wasn’t that cocky when I unplugged her life support. Lots of people like to bake around Christmas time. But I keep my baking on a strict need-to-dough basis. This week, I got asked: you sure did What did you get for Christmas? Well this year, I got a really good stepladder. I never knew my real ladder. i have no idea what to subtitle this sound but he basically shot phlegm up his nasal cavity in gleeful surprise Your parents aren’t home? Looks like Santa’s not going to be the only one cumming tonight. A lot of people have asked me: Are you gonna do a Christmas single this year? Little do they know, I’m single every year. But the answer is yes, and here it is. the lyrics are on screen so i’m going to rest my pinkies get it he fucked a snowman Wasn’t that fantastic? Christmas #1. Here. We. Come. So, I was playing with Tinsel the other day, and the bouncer was furious. It’s a strict no-touching policy. Now I’d like to present to you: Christmas– A Star Wars Story. “I know you’ve got me another lynx body set for Christmas, Luke.” said Vader. “Oh, it’s not possible!” said Luke. “Luke, I felt your presence.” Classic! Personally, I love giving presents. Here’s one I made earlier. It’s rapping paper. Aye? Now, I don’t know about you, but I like my presents like how I like my women: Only coming once a year. Given to me by my parents. Disappointing when unwrapped. Passed down through the family. With a 100% money back guarantee. Batteries included. And finally, I’d like to read you a poem I wrote called Uncle Terry. Well, this isn’t it. Oh, oh that’s just a hobby of mine. Ah! Okay. Oh, there it is. Okay, here’s the poem. Uncle Terry was sleeping in his single bed, while visions of Sugarplum danced in his head. Sugarplum was his favorite stripper at the gentlemen’s club. He then awoke to see a half-chub. It was Christmas Day. Time to spend with the family. The one day a year, unemployment was handy. He made his way to his family’s house, where all the kids dwelled. He looked at his niece with thoughts that would send him to hell. Terry sat down, to take the weight off his feet. And noticed in the air, the pleasant smell of meat. He was wearing the same shirt he had every year. Still covered in stains of jizz, disappointment and beer. Terry’s sister entered the room and he remembered his mistake. She had walked in on Terry wanking when she was the age of eight. Terry grabbed a beer. This was the first of many. But then came in his godson, the openly gay Lenny. Terry did not know how to talk to such a man. But he knew he’d be killed if they sent him to Iran. His jeans took Terry by surprise, causing quite a fuss. “Did you get attacked by a bear, or are those holes on purpose?” Lenny smirked as if he hadn’t heard it before. “Nice to see you’re out of prison. Shame your wife’s a whore.” Bringing up the divorce was a dirty move on his part. But Terry thought to himself: at least I don’t put a man’s penis in my arse. Dinner was ready. The family riddled with glee. The kids went to the table, soon followed by Terry. The meal looked great, although Terry didn’t help. The kitchen is a place for women, Terry felt. Terry’s sister grabbed a second potato for her Christmas dinner. Terry then uttered, “Come on love, you’re not getting any thinner.” He had drunk enough beer to make a hippo go wobbly. His sister then said, “who wants to play Monopoly?” Terry beat all the kids. He didn’t believe in letting them win. The kids need to learn life is harsh, and adults sin. Like that cheating whore of a wife, Jessica. He sat down a grump, while smashed off his face. Then voiced his controversial opinions about people’s race. A present was delivered to Terry’s hands. And although he was a bellend, this wasn’t contraception. It was a membership to a cam girl site, he’d been wanting since the divorce. And he realised people do care, and that his niece looked like a horse. His face lit up, and although there was no snow. Terry was looking forward to a white Christmas after all. The end of Christmas was coming fast. As do I, with a finger in my arse. Thank you for joining me for this Christmas special. I hope you’ve had a wonderful time, and I’ll see YOU next Monday. No, I won’t. People tend to not like the winter, because the days are much shorter. Luckily for me, I like everything more when it’s dark. The days, chocolate, my women. A lot of people don’t know this, but me and the Virgin Mary actually have a lot in common. For example, we’ve both been fucked by God.