(upbeat music) – Tiger Woods has a new chick. I didn’t think a chick would fall for it. I don’t know. Maybe I’m, it’s a bit of baggage. (audience laughter) And the girl, Lindsey Vonn is a sexy skier and she’s gotta sell that to her friends. That’s a tough sell. “Well, I found Mister Right,
he’s my rock, he’s my guy. “One, four, three.” And they’re like, “Who?” She’s like, “Tiger.” (audience laughter)
They’re like, “Huh? “Tiger, Tiger Woods?” Yeah, it’s either Tiger
Woods or an actual tiger. There’s not a lot– They’re like, “You know
how they say, Lindsey, “once a cheater, they change overnight. “Good call.
“Go with your gut, “go with your hunch on
this one, smart move.” (audience laughter) ‘Cause this guy had what, 27 mistresses. And these are the ones we heard about. You know there’s got to be one
or two that don’t want to go on CNN and proclaim to the
world they’re a total whore. You know, one or two. So let’s round it up to 30. I don’t like the mid-level ones like 16. Comes out on a slow news day. “Tiger whacked off on my feet.” (audience laughter) Really? Well, that doesn’t make you
look too great either, honey, so why don’t you step
back into the woodwork. (audience laughter) Why are you volunteering this? Is this what you want on your Google the rest of your life, honestly? (audience laughter) “Hey, I Googled your mom.” “No.
(audience laughter) “Why would you do that?” “I guess her and Tiger.” (audience laughter) “Well, they were in love.” “Oh yeah, I didn’t read that part.” (audience laughter) Poor Lindsey Vonn, she’s just on his ass. She’s got to be. I see him at the Masters. She’s on the putting green with him. (audience laughter) “Hey, babe. “This one’s a tough one. “It’s gonna break right. “I’m not one of those clingy girls. “I just want to make sure
you’re not actively fucking “a girl right now during the tournament. “I’ll worry about tonight later. “I’ll be way back here by the sand trap, “you don’t even know.
“Shh.” And she’s like in school
when you have that koala bear you stick on your pencil like this. (audience laughter) “Lindsey, give me some
room, I’m chippping. “Hank, pinch her back. “Where we having dinner?” ‘Cause guys cheat and it sucks. And guys say, “Oh, you know.” And girls always say, “Oh my
God, his wife is so pretty.” Doesn’t even matter, that’s the problem. It’s like that old saying, oh, you can’t have filet mignon every night. It’s true. Once in awhile you want
a hamburger from Wendy’s. That’s sort of true, right? You want a greasy, dirty,
whorie, slutty, cheeseburger from Wendy’s with mayo all over her face. And–
(audience laughter) honestly, just once in awhile
and then when you finish, you crumple up the bag and you
feel guilty and drive home. (audience laughter) And about twice a year,
you want a hot dog. But you don’t tell anyone. (audience laughter) (upbeat music)