Desperately ill. Here comes a lung. Ma’am, can I bum a smoke from ya? I’m trying to quit buying. I do smoke and if aghh, this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around
the world in which we live and, I don’t know… shut your fuckin mouth. (Laugh from the audience).
Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice ‘Ugh, excuse me Sir, do you mind not-‘
(putting his cigarette in their eye). ‘Awgh! He put it out in my fuckin eye. Honey, I tried
to tell him, he spun and stuck it in my cornea I wish I’d opted for that secondary
smoke at this point. They proved if you quit smoking it’ll prolong your life;
what they haven’t proved is a prolonged is a good thing. (Chuckle). I haven’t seen the
stats on that yet. Some people need to fucking die, do you understand? They’re riff-raff.
Thoughtless, mindless fucking herds of people, squandering this planet’s valuable resources.
People pay lip-service to saving the planet but they don’t… they fail to make the big
lead that if you want to save the planet, KILL YOUR FUCKING SELF! The planet will be
saved without you, and what a delightful place it’ll be. Welcome. It’s new kid thing I’m
working on, called ‘The Comedy of Hate. Join in Can I have a light too, sorry, I’m totally unprepared to smoke? I got the mouth and lungs, everything else I’m fucked. (lighting a cigarette).
Ough! Smoking way too much. How much do you smoke a day, sir? Half a pack… well, you’re
half a man, Okay. Jesus Christ, I go through two lighters a day, dude alright? Now, (laugh
from the audience) obviously I’m up there, I’m in the heavy smoker realm. Only thing
about smoking now is that every pack has a different warning on it. Mine say: Warning:
Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.
Fuck it, found my brand. Just don’t get the once that say lung cancer, shop around, you
know. (laugh from the audience). Yeah, give a cart of them low birth weights. (Laugh from
the audience- LFTA). I think I can live with low birth weight, line em up. Tell you the worst kind of non-smoker kinda when you’re smoking and they just walk up to ya. (Making
couching sounds). I always say: shit you’re lucky you don’t
smoke. It’s a helluva cough you got there, dude. I smoke all day and don’t cough like
that. That’s weird, I’m smoking, you’re coughing, huh..? If drink, do you get drunk? I might
wanna party with you. I’ll go out, drink all night and drive your drunk ass home. My little
party sponge. I just did heroin, throw up for me. (LFTA).
Song lyrics: She’s not happy anymore, I’m not there to hold her
She’s lonely and she’s bored, B’t how she think I feel, I’m here on the road, I’m so far from home… (Making throat-clearing noise)
It’ll be a long goddamn show, sir, how are ya? (LFTA) Let’s just settle in for this one.
You might wanna relax, you might wanna fuckin lay down. This is like pushing a fucking stone
up a hill. I can already see it. What the fuck do I care, I don’t
I refuse to care. I will continue to smoke because I hate you
non-smokers with all my little black fucking heart. (LFTA).
Just say the stupidest things. I was in New York City, a guy said to me: hey man, quit
smoking, you’ll get your sense of smell back. Yeah! That’s exactly what you’re looking for
when you’re in New York City, your sense of smell coming back.
(Making sniffing sounds) Is that urine? (LFTA). I think I smell a dead guy. Honey, look, a
dead guy! Covered in urine, check this out! Just thinking I’d been smoking I never would
have found him! That’s fresh, someone just peed on this guy. Now I can enjoy the wonders
of the Big Apple! They’re peeing on the dead, you gotta love this fucking town. Hello there
my fallen friend, how are you today? (LFTA) You having a bad day, boy? Tell you what,
I’m gonna write ‘I love New York’ on your chest.’ New York is a shithole. Yeah, we all
know that New York would be Oz if it weren’t for my fucking cigarette, yeah. (LFTA). I
was in cab in New York, cab and a sign ‘Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.’
This guy was reaching. I figure, if you can overcome being nailed to a cross, I don’t
think a Marlboro Light’s gonna phase him that much. If you’re so concerned about my health,
put some shock absorbers in these fucking cabs. I’m trying to put it out. (LFTA)
Jesus, are you still here, Jesus? I put my cigarette out, could you heal my fucking neck,
please? Christ is our unseen guest. I guess that explains that extra fifty cents on a
meter. It’s Jesus touring around Manhattan, putting cigarettes out, yeah.
People are so weird. They suck actually. I really am, I’m really am a fucking misanthrope
in the era of up with people, that’s the problem. FUCK people! Do you understand? Fuck you,
and your self-esteem. I found a picture of my inner child on a milk carton, do you understand
how fucked-up I am? Hello?