[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. All right. Um… [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughing ] I only got limited time! I want to give a shout-out t
all, like, the new moms, the newbies with
all the new kids at home. Um…I hate you. ‘Cause new parents
are too sensitive. They get sensitive
at everything I say about my kids
all the time. They even want to
come up to me in public, “‘Scuse me, can I talk to yo
for a second?” I’m like, “Yes?” “I just wanted to let you know
that I’m a mom, and what you said about
your kids, I’m offended.” And I’m like, “So?” Then I asked the question,
“How old is your child?” “My daughter, she’s 38 months. I’m like, “Listen,
how old is that? I don’t have enough
fingers to count.” I said, “You don’t even know
what this means.” She goes, “Excuse me?” I said, “You don’t know
what this and means.” “What does it mean?” “This is the hand you have
when you standing eye-to-eye toe-to-toe with your kid in the house that
you pay the bills for saying, “Who you think
you talking to like that?” [ Cheers and applause ] You ever chase ’em? “Who you think
you talkin’ to like that?! [ Applause ] I said, “You’re not
a real parent. You’re not a real parent until
you pull into your drivewa and eat your food in the car That is a parent. You hear me? Like, I’m a parent-parent. I will pull into my garage close the garage door,
car still running, carbon monoxide all in the air I would rather die than shar
these nuggets and lemonade with anybody in this house [ Cheers and applause ] Parents! And it doesn’t mean I don’t love
my kids. I love my kids. Like, I got 5-year-old,
a 14-year-old, and my son, he’s 18. They teach me stuff
all the time. Like the 5-year-old taught m
how big I was. [ Laughter ] Like, I know I’m not big,
but I’m not small, you know? Like, I’m not large,
but I’m not tiny, you know I’m just me.
But she taught me. I come home from work one day,
she got on a tube dress. That’s just a piece of cloth
that’s a square. You pull it on.
It stops here. Stops here. That’s it. Hers say “Nike” on the side. She walking round the hous
in the dress like this. I’m having a heart attack. I call my 14-year-old daughter
Casey. I say, “Get in here.” She comes into the room.
She laughing. I said, “That’s not funny. Where’d she
get that dress from?” She said, “I don’t know.”
I said, “You didn’t take tha from one of your
little friends’ houses, and you thought
you was gonna wear it when I wasn’t around?” She said, “Ma, I don’t
wear stuff like that. That’s inappropriate.” But then I thought
a dark thought. I got an 18-year-old son.
His name is Chase. I said, “Ooh, Chase
messing around in this house.” I call him down the stairs He come down the stairs,
he seen my daughter. She walking around
in this dress. It’s a Nike dress.
It say “Nike” on the side. It got a hole in the back.
Her whole butt hanging out She just walking around
like this. He laughing.
I said, “That’s not funny. I said, “You mess with
little girls, and they leave
these little things behind?” He said, “Ma,
I would never talk to a girl who wears something like that. That’s inappropriate. I said, “Well, where did she
get this dress from?” They both said, “We don’t know.” It say “Nike” on the side.
A hole in the back. Her little booty hanging out and she just keep doing this
around the house. So I grabbed her.
Chris. Chris is 5. I said, “Get over here.” And as soon as I touched it,
I was like, “Oh, man. That’s my knee brace.” [ Laughter and applause ] You know, knee braces
got holes in the back. She just walking around
the house in a knee brace. Thank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ]