Laughter is the Best Medicine

D&D Stories: funny moments from my campaign

here are some of the funny stories from my dungeons and dragons game when i was GM-ing that couldnt make it into the main (*=Mel-eh-kar) storyline i guess you could call this a prequel to that video? Enjoy! prior their confrontation with Malakar the players had gotten information from their elderly turtle friend oogway (It’s not oogway????) now they were chasing down a piece of the Mourneblade which had fallen into the hands of a pharaoh and his dastardly cult. his lair was a massive temple that was protected by a turtle sandstorm that circled around it and only by displaying his insignia would the sandstorm part, allowing people to enter. once inside the group split up, two wanted to try to talk to the pharaoh in the upper chambers while the other two were down stairs in the kitchen snooping around. it wasn’t long before the downstairs duo got caught but sneakily killed the guard and stashed his body in one of the cupboards (cabinets). as they tried to leave another guard came in through the door, “Grr I thought i heard some thing” the duo murdered him and hid his body. as they tried to leave… AGAIN! another guard came in, so they stabby-stab, stashed him and repeat.again… and again… and again. it was lunch time so the temple guards were entering into the kitchen one by one. we cut to the upstairs where the cleric and the sorcerer were having some nice tea peacefully waiting to talk to the pharaoh and discussing what to do; the cleric was like, ” we need to reach these people…” “…lets just talk to them and ask them, ‘hey, could you…'” “‘…stop being evil and murdering innocent people, and taking slaves?’…” “… and who knows, he might say yes.” “hmm, yea, that’ll probably be fine” “but just in case i’m going to be working on a back up plan, in case it… ” “… doesn’t work out, quite the way you’re imagining it.” “It Involves A Fire Ball.” and we cut down stairs to another stabbing and another murder taking place as a new gurad kept coming in to replace the one that had been killed the rogue and monk had murdered over a dozen all ready and were starting to run out of space for the bodies. so they began having to get creative hacking the bodies into pieces, and stashing the severed heads in grain baskets, and legs and arms in shelves and torsos in the cupboards and still… people,one by one ,were coming into the kitchen meanwhile… upstairs, the cleric and sorcerer get seen in by the pharaoh who gives them his big… evil… speech and the cleric decides to take him on in a fight. for all of one round before he realizes they are WAY out numbered and they book it out of the room in the kitchen, the rogue and monk completely worn out, tired, have killed well near a hundred guards and stashed their bodies everywhere they could think of until they are just out of room. FINNALY, they get a chance to escape and book it out of there as the cleric a sorcerer enter onto the lower floors its, AWFULLY quiet down there, and notice that, many of the guards aren’t around. “QUICK, lets hide in the kitchen.” “thats a good idea.” “we’ll hide in the grain basket.” horrified, he pops it open to see all the severed heads in them and just like a horror movie the other person opens up a closet and all these arms and legs fall out. horrified they realize “OMG! THESE CULTISTS…” “…WERE EATING THEIR OWN PEPOLE!” ” THOSE SAVAGES!” the two players run from the kitchen, with LIVE guards behind them. and they hear ” OMG HOW’D THEY KILL SO MANY…” “… GUARDS SO FAST!?!” ” ” THOSE MONSTERS!!!” the players fled the temple with the blade in tow from the vault while they have the handle and the blade they still needed to get the thing forged back together instead of taking it to the dwarves, they decide to bring it to the local black smith because he was closer. “hm.. sure, i can reforge the sword…” “… but what about these black tendrils of evil…” “…radiating off of it?” ” Don’t mind those its fine!” the black smith smacks it with his hammer but gets hit with backlash retaliatory necrotic attack that causes some bleeding “it looks like it caused a little bit of a cut, but it doesnt seem that bad” “His hand… cut it off” the rogue whiped out his sword and sliced off the blacksmiths hand ” OOOH!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?!” “it could have given you a disease or curse or something, you know…” “… i probably just saved your life there” “You’re Welcome” “Anyway, Could you try hitting it again?” “LOOK!!” “LO AH WER MA HAN WAS!?! “YOU THINK I CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!” “well you have two hands, Don’t you?” ………………….. What? coincidentally, later on in the story line, the war forged player needed to get armor remade but they forgot that the only blacksmith in town didn’t want to talk to them and was injured so they had to get the job done by the blacksmith’s apprentice instead “Do you think you could repair adamantium?” “OH totally yea, oh don’t you worry, gee wizz I could fix it up for you in a jiffy!” “NO nope… that’s fine never mind, I take it back…” “Don’t you worry gosh golly, I’m new and I’m learning but… rduyg I’ll try my best and it will be just righto” “I immediately regret this” the players met up afterwards with his newly made armor “Did you jus-” “I don’t wanna talk about it” Ever since then our war forged had this gnarly armor that he wore with some parts attached with duct tape and when ever he ran his arms went straight up and down because the young apprentice blacksmith didn’t give his armor any elbows… later on in a town they were getting attacked by enemies and discussing what to do “What if someone come up the back door?” “dont worry, I gave Bernard a dagger and put him out back to guard it- -and keep enemies away. we’re safe for now :)” they were discussing a potential fight with an illithid they had coming up which one of the players was not having and everyone was else was just ignoring him “We can’t just leave this problem here and run away, can we?” “well, it seems like the problem we’re having here is being in the same town as the illithid, perhaps if one of those two parties were to leave that would resolve the problem” “idk, it sounds dangerous if we were to fight it” “Well you see, explaining this mathematically, there is a distance between us and the illithid, if this value falls to zero we’re dead, but by increasing this value between the two of us as much as we can, we maximize our survivability” “what do you guys think we should do?? how can we kill this illithid?” “hmmm, they eat brains, perhaps we could kill it by starving them out perhaps by depriving them of brains and removing our brains from the area!” They had another encounter deep in the mine with several ogres, orcs, and goblins The ogres have been fitted with these wooden barricades which allowed the goblins to ride on them and fire down on the players They’re from Mordenkainen’s Tome of Foes and they’re pretty kewl, i rweally like them The players ended up setting an ambush in the clock tower It wasn’t until the orcs burst into the tower then the players realized something very important about the plan while they were waiting to jump them “idk, something about our plan, it just doesn’t seem right” “Don’t worry, they won’t stand a chance that’s why we filled this entire floor we’re standing on with explosives!” “so…whats-what’s gonna happen?” “First, we lure the orcs into the building- -second, when they come up the stairs, that triggers the trap and detonates all of the explosives in the room which… we’re in…. and then….. we…. uahhhh RUUUUNNNNN!!!1!11!! The next round, several of the players ended up jumping out of the window to the street below and broke their legs as the entire church detonated A few didn’t make it out of the building in time and were discovered in the rubble after the thing collapsed well… i guess… you can call that a success? Later on, the group had gotten jumped by a band of drow and spiders. Our gnome monk had decided to talk to one of the spiders and see if he could convince them to switch sides. Hey, could you help us out? We’ll give you stuff! Well, sure, yeah! I just love helping people. It’ll be great! We’ll give you money, fame, special spider privileges! Spwecial spider pwivileges! Yeah! We’ll give you holidays, days of the week off for only spiders We’ll give you spider treats, spider houses! There’ll be special spider laws Spwecial spider laws! Yea, it’ll be great! OK! What u need? Can you talk to your friends and see if they’ll switch sides? Ohhkay! I’m on it He went up to talk Heyy, whats up? Hhhhgmmmm, I’m just salivating over my next meal of man flesh while they cry in agony unable to run away I can’t wait to sink my fangs into their skin and boil their blood from the inside out with my venom Okey! guud talk.. What did they say? Umm, I talked to them, they seem, uhhh, interested.. bu-but they didn’t say yes exactly, uhh the-they didn’t say no either so I think they are going to think about it and I’m pretty hopeful! Eventually bitey ended up going with the group Part of the mythos with him is that only our Gnome Monk can talk to him and if anyone else tried to speak to him, what they get was this Hey Bitey, can I ride you? Haaaa, well sure, yeah! Of course you can! Bitey says it’s okay! Haaaa That sounds like fuun! Eventually the group made it back to the capital with a reforged Mourneblade From their heroic deed, their group became well known! And started getting some name recognition Do these nobles know who we are? We’re kind of a big deal now Hang on second, let me roll You know what? Actually , I think they do! Oh, of course I recognize this group! Your’e the turtle f*ckers, aren’t you? Me too! I’m very familiar with f*cking tturtles! Oh yeah… I forgot that was the name heyy, uhh Ben You gonna tell a story of how we got that name? yea see, about that… this story is one which is not gonna get an animation BUT THATS THE BEST PART I SAID IM NOT ANIMATING IT!!!

100 thoughts on “D&D Stories: funny moments from my campaign

  1. You can't bring up the turtle fu**ers to yourself and then decline to elaborate……. what is this? I must know these things!

  2. Short Story
    How my campaign groups name went from ‘The Queens Guard’ to ‘The God F*****s’

    So at the start of the campaign we started at level 5 and we were all members of the Queens Guard Elite. After a while we hit level 15 and our DM has a history of involving epic characters into the story about this time. So we all knew what was coming. But this time we underestimated out DM…

    We were sent out by the queen after a break to investigate reports of Drow Appearances. and it was thought to be scouts of Lolth. Which it was. So we investigated, found the scouts, followed them, and attacked them. But they knew we were following them the ENTIRE TIME (Almost an entire session was dedicated to just following them).

    So they lead us into a massive teleportation circle they had in their secret base. We walked right out on it in the battle. Their mage casted a spell, and boom, we’re dead center of a temple dedicated to Lolth, with nearly 50 Guards all around us. We gave up peacefully and surrendered. They stripped us of everything, down to birthday suits. And us being well known in the country for saving the queen twice, stopping a resurrecting attempt of a secret evil god (we still don’t know we stopped, DM wont tell us.) and many more good deeds.

    The Drow took us before the last remaining descendant of Lolth. We had two bards in our group (2 Bards, 1 Sorc, 1 Paladin, 1 barb, and a rouge ) so the entire time the bards are just whooshing this Drow woman, and by the end they have her giggling, smiling, and happy. So getting up she motions for the guards to take the two bards, who were twins in the game, they all left the room. For 4 hours…You get it.

    They finally come back, faces white like they just saw a ghost. But they were too scared to say anything. The guards handed out stuf back, and took us to a random spot and left us. Where we then learned, that Drow was not a descendant, but was actually lolth…

    So we get back to the queen to report, and after 3, THREE NAT 1s in deception, she order her master of war to cast Zone Of Truth, and we forced to tell the truth. Where we then spilled the beans on the event.

    We were ripped of all honors, and everything and casted out, she then proclaimed us traitors and gave us a week to leave and we ended up being known as ‘The God F*****s’.

    moral of the story; Don’t travel with Two Bards…

  3. Screw animation just use real turtles it’ll get the message to em . (This is a joke peta don’t sue me ;-;)

  4. When they jump out the window who else thought of a Michael Bay movie explosion while cutting to different angles of the building?

  5. Ben I was wondering if you could publish the malarkar story for us other D&D players to well play I think Id and other watchers would enjoy

  6. Nice to see you can make cliffhangers like Tyrion's : " I once brought a jackass an a honey comb into a brothel when…." 😉

  7. i like how we now know ur brother is the gnome monk, but in the chadwick video he seems like he doesnt like playing at all. But in these videos he has the most character out of anyone else lol

  8. We STILL want to know how they got that name thou. It doesn't even have to be animated what so ever, i just want to hear the story.

  9. "Our voices singing one again…
    Stormbringer and his brother M O U R N B L A D E…
    Forged by the ancient Chaos Lords!
    To seal the fate of mortal man!
    To spill their blood and drink their souls!"

  10. I think there's enough proof to promote Azreal's Survival Postulate to a theorem given the recent work done for Baulder's Gate III.

  11. What makes the Pyramid story so funny is that it's a hilarious case of Left hand not knowing what the Right hand was doing…..

  12. I'm still salty about a time a sorcerer fried everyone in a small dungeon (including the own team) just to kill a few low level occultist. Completely killed another guy on our squad, irreversibly. Still a good game though.

  13. a few friends of mine are starting up a campaign and im joining as a wizard who's whole thing is a bunch of summoning stuff (invisible minions, floating disks, etc.) and im gonna guess a lot of my ideas are also gonna start with "my plan involves fireballs…"

  14. Group 1: has to kill guard after guard ad-nauseum just to get a chance to escape the kitchen and lower levels

    Me: XD

  15. I don't even care if it's animated, I'm genuinely curious how the hell the group became known as the "Turtle-Fuckers". I want to know what the hell happened to make the players okay with that name too.

  16. 0:28 The obelisks are more of an obstacle than the sand. That is…if you use an inspection spell and decide to destroy them.

  17. Ok soooo….. You said you are not animating the Turtle Friends* story
    BUT! You could do a non animated video like the one of that Super hero RPG you GMed for
    Just sayin

  18. How did the players not know that the players downstairs were killing and storing bodies if they’re sitting right next to each other

  19. The best part – the last story when Ben's group got recognition… especially since my gaming group LOOOOVES to give pet names like that to anyone who isn't in the group, namely certain NPCS…. #SMH

  20. a funny moment in my dnd story is that one time we were walking through a town and when we came to the edge of the town there were bushes on the side of the rode and they were rustling so i launched eldritch blast at the bushes (i has playing a warlock btw) and we heard screams and well we thought they were bandits of goblins trying to ambush us but well when i went over there i saw human kids so well lets just say i changed characters.

  21. If Azreal's player was actually talking like that when discussing the Ilithyd, I frickin want him in my games

  22. That's the same name as my last grupe.. Lol!

    Our story how we erned that name! (Warning little bit graphic if ya don't wanna read lol)
    So, the contenent was splitting in half and out succubus bard that was raised by nuns started to think she was gonna die so she casted mass sugjestion (i think) and somehow convinced the entire party to f*ck her and her crush (irl bf, now ex), the tortal gunslinger "it's high nune" guy. I and like 2 others were not effected because we were not at that session. So my cave goblin rouge was just looking on in confusion. (Cuz they were innocent)

  23. "Me too, I'm very familiar with f***ing turtles"
    there are two possible interpretations of that. on one hand, you want the one that saves you from the scarring mental images, on the other hand, the other interpretation seems funnier

  24. Kinda really wish I didn't just take a big ol' sip of soda right at "turtle fuckers".

    So thanks for that.

  25. I remember that Nine Inch Nails had a song called Starf***ers Inc. Someone remix it for Turtlef***ers Inc. It'll be great.

  26. lmao that church exploding is so relatable. it killed my friends halfling rogue and dragonborn sorcerer

  27. The guards, go marching one by, one. Hoorah! Hoorach!
    The guards, go marching one by, one. Hoorah! Hoorach!

    The guars go marching one, by one, to get their lunch (or just for fun).
    And party puts them down – to the ground – to get – off the lair.

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