HOUSEKEEPING! Uh, Uh, Uh,, Uh, Uh, Uh, Underwear? Are you trying to say underwear? Hello sir, I have a package. So do I, YOINK! Heh..heh.. Package”… Ooooh, ahhh, yeah Haha, there we go! Now we’re talking! Much more “realistic” Fine you asked for this! Hnnnzhh…haaaaaaah!!!! Ahhh..Gotta love the one’s that make ya sweat. I need theme music. Yeah something like that! I think I need to make an entrance. Time to go boom. That’s what happens when you mix C4 with a bean burrito! Now be honest, I’m not the only one with a little bit of shit in their pants right now am I? Deadpool! Branded as both hero and villain. Deadpool was once a bad-ass mercenary named Wade Wilson. After being recruited into the weapon X program Wade was subjected to experiments that gave him awesome regenerative powers and drove him bat shit crazy. Today the “Merc with a Mouth” travels the globe in search of fortune and chimichangas! Nolan! What’s up buddy! We’re making a game about me! We gotta have you do the V.O. man. See here’s the thing… People tell me we sound alike! That sounds awesome Deadpool! Listen I had a different take on it. Maybe we just make you, you know… maybe it’s an alternate type of Deadpool, you know. Somebody who’s like “forget the boobs. Let’s just go for pec, you know. Yeah, well fuck you Nolan! Fly or die, asshole. Your choice. Keep it steady, Dingus! Geez, I can fly better than that! Hey! That gives me an idea! NO WAIT! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hell yes! Hey. We’re flying! We’re flying! We cannot fly. Well it is good to have dreams though. Dreams, yes. Delusions? Noooooo! Ahahahaha! Yeah! You what else is good to have? Skills! We love huge chests! Oh! How exciting! This is great! Let’s go! Congratulations! You got NOTHING! This chest was empty but that’s no fun! Because we care, we uploaded your teleport ability to teleport you to farther places! Why? Who cares! Enjoy! Enough already! No wonder I stopped playing JRPG’s. You can’t sing. See! He’s like an angel. This must be my stop. Wrecked em? Darn near killed em! Wrecked em? Darned near Killed em! Talk about breaking the suspense of disbelief. Hmm. How much C4 is this going to take? No more than twenty ounces. What?! I hate the metric system! How much in American! Well let’s see…uhh carry the seven Dude fuck math, just use all of it! Now that’s what I’m talking about! Peter, my man, you see all that? Heh He, buttload of awesomeness! Deadpool, you idiot! Do you know how much money all these explosions and tacky graphics just cost me? You can’t just change whatever you want, whenever your want! Yeah that’s great Peter, talk to my dick. Hmm. Smells like our bathroom back home. It smells like poo! Hey, there’s Rogue! OK. So we need to get our ass across this…this river of shit somehow. Any ideas? Think, think, think!! Wait! Do that again! Do what? That! Ohhhh! We can use our bubbles… To jump across! Ha ha! Well! Isn’t that handy. Just need to clear my head Oops! Didn’t want to jump on those magic bubbles anyhow. Why would anybody wanna that? I sure as hell don’t. Why do you think I wear a damn mask? Don’t..make me..do this.. please!! Why the long face? She always looks so surprised to see us. If this game had a “shame” meter, it’d be full right now. Hot! hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! That’s right. Use the quads! Peter! Hey I was just running around my game and all of a sudden I noticed that, uh, some shit was fucked up What’s up with that!? I warned you about the budget Deadpool! You literally blew all the money! Wait. “budget”? What the hell, man?! Yes? You did realize that all games have budgets. Peter, Sweetheart, Bubala, let me remind you that my website got 15 million hits the weekend we announced. One million 1, one million 2. Cough it up. So, hows the ball licking coming along? Red rocket. Red Rocket! You just sit tight and I won’t have to shoot you. Gotta get my head on straight! Nice ass! Wait that’s our ass! We’ll need to find our arm to twist the head back on. Dammit! Even the controls are backwards! Pretty confusing. Come on, player. Figure it out! Is that Mr. Shuggums? What’s he doing down here? Hey! Well the mutt has good taste. Drooop it, Drop it! Don’t make me shoot you booboo. C’mon don’t you have balls to lick? Come, come lick my balls. Who the fuck is that? He’s the man out of time! Who the fuck is that? He likes to fight crime. Who the fuck is that? We hang out with Pool! Who the fuck is that? But he ain’t a fool. He’s fucking Cable! Wade. I need you to listen closely. I’ve time traveled from the future to bring you a dire warning about… Oh, god. Here he goes again! He’s not here ten seconds before he starts boring us with his dire warning from the future crap. Sinister has knocked out the X-Men by broadcasting a.. We my want to pay attention, this could explain a critical plot point! The survival of the Earth entirely depends on… which hangs on you! Wade? Now here’s the critical part… It’s so…booooorrrrring. Make it stop! Dammit Wade! You dicks hang out here often? Ha ha! Get it, with the dicks? Forget it. Dude, seriously? The pee pee song. I’m gonna sing the pee pee song. Nice dick. “Sigh” Haven’t drained the ol’ lizard since level 1. Dude, don’t talk while I pee. Alright? Okay, I get it…Never break the guy code again! Dammit! Can’t think of any good dick jokes! What a wasted opportunity. Deadpool, you need to listen to me. Mister Sinister has taken over Chance White’s Satellites. Hard to believe we used to date her. Why’d we dump her? She’s hot! Not as hot as Psylocke, though. Were you even paying attention? Wolverine? Rogue? Hey! You’re here too? Try reading the script! Like the girl said. We gotta go to Genosha if we’re gonna stop Mister Sinister from… Wait, Genosha the island? Hey we’ll have to fly there! Are we taking the Blackbird? Oh I always wanted to fly the Blackbird! No goddamn way! Whooooah! Deadpool quit fooling around! Yipeee! You just can’t kill all the X-Men! LOL Deadpool…Lookout! Oh man, zoom in on tubbo up there! Stop dropping my camera, Player! That thing was expensive! Now get up! Hold up! I got an idea! Rogue will be so impressed when I save her! Hey Player! You coming or what? Dumbass.. Move the camera and find me. I’m over heeeeeere. That’ll blow up real nice. Take me to your leader. One quick thrust. Surprise! Ha! Got the little bitch this time didn’t we? Pose for the camera, Mr. Silly! I am so posting this on Twert! Deadpool: Just battled Mr. Sinister in my kick-ass video game! SPOILER ALERLT! I killed him too easy. Recommend playing on Extreme! Wolverine: First! Domino: LOL! Psylocke: Ha! I thought you only killed moods! IHEARTDP: approves your post! Rogue: You’re a hack. Idiot! You killed another clone! Shut it, Summers! Are you texting from the future? Yes! Don’t believe me? Check the label on his back! It says, “Made in China. Machine wash. Cold only.” The other label. This is another goddamn clone! You also completely forgot to rescue Rogue! BTW, she’s about to be tortured and killed by Blockbuster in some kind of arena. Shit! Deadpool just checked into Arena. Summers! Here’s the last part you need! Now let’s roll out! Uhh, wrong franchise, buddy. Yo dawg, I heard you like boots, so I put my boots in this boot so I can stomp you while I stomp you! Hey bad guys, time out for a sec! We need to fix our boot! Yeah, this is gonna end well. Come on, come on! Button mash something! There we go! Oh, that worked out a little better. Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!! Nope! Uh unh! Nope! Aaaaahhh…aw shit! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yeah. We told Cable this was a good plan! Flawless execution, perfect timing, one of our finest moments. I did poop a little. Ohhhhhh, Wolveeeee! Time to wake up! Wake up! Up and at em! Fine then. That’s for all the clown jokes! That’s for never call just to say Hi. That’s because I get aroused when I slap people! Sure were a lot of expensive set-ups in that level! Hope Peter’s okay with the budget! Budget? Ho-Ho. We’ll show him budget! Yeah! Watch this! Hey there’s Rogue…Flying just like us! Flying right at us! Deadpool look out! FYI, for all you nerds out there getting all puffy over the fact that Rogue in the comic currently does not have the power to fly. Well you can officially move out of your parents’ basement, get a job and a life.. and maybe, maybe, just maybe, you’ll kiss a real girl. Yeah! She flies in our game! That’s for all the fury midgets in the world! That’s because I feel like it! Why…won’t…you…wake up! Wake up! That’s because the Player keeps mashing the button! That’s because I like slapping fleshy things with this hand! That’s for being in more comics than me! That’s for making me love you! That’s for making me hate you! Yowza! Rogue is messed up. She needs to absorb our healing factor through…skin contact. Yessss! Rogue. There’s no time to explain but we gotta suck face like there’s no tomorrow. Oh, I’ll be gentle darling. Hey! Holy Shit! Is that even legal? Rogue! Baby! You’re sucking to much of my…Oh! Ohhhhh, my! Now that’s what I call a kiss Sugar. Holy shit, we’re in her head now! Mmmmmm, the girls are as firm as ever. Ma’am, I’m a little turned on right now. That’s for never taking us to the prom! That’s for always working late! That’s for being short! That’s for stabbing me in the heart! Literally! That’s for never letting me fly the Backbird! Except when I crashed it! That’s for being the worst wingman in bromance history! That’s because I want to see if the player’ll keep doing this! Don’t worry Rogue, we’ll save you! Mr. Snuggums?? What are you.. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! No actual dogs were harmed in the making of this game. Alright! A keg to get the minecart moving! But why use one keg when we can use three? Why use three when we can use One Million Exploding Kegs!!! Hey stop! That isn’t a toy! Stop it wasn’t programmed to handle this type of abuse! Nooo! Stop! Please! You’ll break the scripting for the level! Scripting? Hey! Only I’m allowed to break the 4th wall in this game! That’s for all the hot gamer girls out there! Hey call me! That’s for being a total douche! That’s for never washing the dishes! That’s for last year’s white elephant gift! Who wants a white elephant!? And finally! That’s because this whole set up just added five minutes of Bonus play to the most awesome game ever devised by mutant or man. I guess he’s not waking up. Ahhhhh! No guts no gory. Haha! You see what we did there? About the…forget it. Hey babe, good to see you! It’s been a long time darling. What am I doing here? What you doing here? Why are we dancing? You’ve bled out my love. And now we are together. As always, our time is short. I need you to do something for me. Just name it sugar skull. Mister Sinister is exhuming mutant corpses and harvesting their DNA. Sounds heavy. The spirits of those mutants still linger here, yearning to stop him. I cannot claim them. Hey! Who ate my Le-Burger with queso? You want me to free their souls, my bony muffin? Yes. I got this babe. Deadpool. Yes my bony bride? Pull yourself together. Excuse me, can I get by? My friends are up front. Yeah right, dweeb. Wait in line like everybody else. I wanna go again! Again! Again! Again! Again! Ohhhhhh. Okay, I’ll wait. One senior citizen ticket, please. Uh..Not sure if you knew , but I’m kind of a big deal. This is like my video game. Like I can just get you programmed out of existence if I wanted to! Yo homie! Not sure if you knew, but I’m a clone see. My crew runs deep! I have to say I was impressed by the realistic boob physics. I’m kind of losing it here. I can’t take it anymore!!! Don’t you know I’m Loco!!! He’s trying to cut in line. Get him! I smell cheap hot sauce, Deadpool! I know you’re around here! Heyyyyyyy. Oh it’s you. What were you doing over there? Just a little surprise for our player. What? Whatever. We gotta move. We need everybody on this one if we’re gonna stop Sinister. That means you too. Yeah, duh. It’s my game. Game? This is serious! Quit scratching your ass bub and get into the fight. Haha, he said “assbub” Hey Arclight! Looking good babe. You been working out? Your pecs, I mean your breast, your pe..your chesties look unbelievable, if you catch my drift. I can help you get off that villain D-list if you.. Kill this pansy! Okay, she-man, we’ll talk D-list pecs later. Man, this place really went to hell. I wonder what happened? What always happens in prison. They got tired of the food. My god, what the fu. Why is this happening? Aww! We need to make a quick phone call. Peter! It’s Deadpool. What the hell is High Moon doing to my game? Look, use the money I transferred to your account and patch this shit! Now!!. Hey hot tits! The pipe I was offering gives way more pleasure! Wait. That was the real Sinister, right? Seriously! Roll Credits! We’re done here! Wooooo! Deadpool. Deadpool. Holy shit!