Hey! Vsauce! Jack here. Craigslist. Not a list of Craigs, like the world would have you believe. Over this side of the world, Craigslist is just a theory that’s been going around all these years. It’s just a legend. A myth. It’s something that we used to hear in American TV shows. Or movies. Or some friends would talk about it. Or that crazy guy down the street who did too much meth and all the brains fell out of his head. Those people would be talking about it. But me, personally, I have never ever interacted with Craigslist in my life. I know it’s a place that you can go and just put up an ad to get stuff… And then people reply to it and do that for you, I think? I don’t know. I don’t know how it works. But, I do know that some crazy shit has gone down on Craigslist over the years. That some weird stuff has shown up on it every now and then. So I went to the Craigslist best-of, and we are gonna cook up some spicy memes in this episode. And we’re gonna go through some of the best that Craigslist has to offer. Buckle the fuckle up! “U was da ultrasound tek at Bronson Cox hospital” I don’t know what “w4w” means. I’m sure the… The lower deep divers of Craigslist will know.
(reading) “It was Thursday night “I had a UTI and you was like Hermione from Harry Potter” “With your ultrasound wand and cast a spell on me” “I was there with my boyfriend, but would leave him for you. Cuz you know how to work it girl” “If you wanna go get mcdonalds sometime hit me up. Tell me how big the cyst on my ovary was” so I know it’s you.”
What the fuck?! Just a fair fight that you were that ultrasound tech at Bronson Cox hospital. You’re hot. You were awesome. Can’t remember your face, but if you tell me how big the cyst on my ovary was, I’ll know it was you. It’s fate. Also, I love that your idea of a great time Like, this is somebody who enamoured you completely at first sight, but your first idea is to go get mcdonalds with them? I don’t know how real these things are. These things might actually just be lies kind of like the Yahoo answers of the times. Wait, this was the 22nd of August 2017?? That was this year! Actually, no, it was last year what am I talking about. It’s 2018 now. GOD! I can’t get it in my head!
It’s even on my board! It’s right here!
(smacks board, pens fall)
Fuck. Okay, this one has to be real because it has a picture with it. Okay. Let’s get a good zoom on that. Okay, it’s the same fucking size. Why are you letting me zoom in on it? Okay. Sup dude? Is that a dude drinking a beer on a canoe or a kayak? Going down a street? What?
(Reading) “Man of my dreams” “w4m”? woman for man? Was the other one woman for woman? That would have m ade sense actually. Okay. (Reading) “This afternoon you pulled up Bayou beer garden in your kayak just to grab a cold one” I love when these just start off as like, fanfictions. (reading) “You, Sir, are the man of my dreams. You’re not the kind of guy who just throws the towel on perfectly good day off no, you’re the kind of man that grabs the bull by the horns and carpes the shit out of the diem (laughing) Have that beer, baby. You deserve it. while Air BnB’ers cower in their shotguns awaiting word from the National Guard, You sir, glide through the streets like a gondolier in the canals of Venice. A beacon of hope and comfort during these post-K times I don’t care where you may be from because you are a true, New Orlean, New Orleanian and a real man Your photo will go down in infamy and while and when it does remember who truly loved you first This girl. Oh, and is that a mullet? Sexy. (pretend echoing) Sexy. Sexy. Oh my god. This is beautifully written. Oh my god. I hope they found each other. Oh Jesus there is so much to this story that is so weird. The fact that okay, so post-katrina times and the hurricane hit everywhere got flooded, so he went down in his kayak? Down to the Bayou beer garden. Ah. Know it well. Where all great fairytales start. (laughs) Not only that but you came down, cracked open a cold one – not with the boys But with yourself. because you don’t need no boys. Your real, man. Lets – It says here when your photo goes down in infamy, when it does Let’s make it happen. This man, right here, the man of this lady’s dreams It’s it says here,
“Remember who truly loved you first. This girl.”
Now, a lot more people know you more, mullet man. I love how it ends with, “Is that a mullet? Sexy.” Okay, this one’s long, but it’s called “grooming circle w-4 mm” I’m not even gonna say what they are anymore, pretty sure it’s “woman for man, man”? Or maybe its woman for mammals. Who knows? Maybe it’s win for M&Ms? I don’t know. I’m just gonna go by the lingo of Craigslist, cuz you know I have perused it now I’m down on the DL with the wordage. So. (reading) “Grooming circle wuh-for-mum-um” Iowa – I am a woman. seeking a group of four to six men to brush my hair in what I like to refer to as my “Grooming Circle” Ooookay, this is getting weird. “Grooming Circle” sounds like something completely different but okay. (Reading) “I have not cut my hair since age 14 I am five foot eight and my nut brown locks fall well past the small of my back Terminating just below the buttocks I am 32 years old, but often I get ID’d when I buy wine spritzer by the case.” – Wait! You’re 32 and you’ve been growing your hair since you were 14 And haven’t cut it since? You haven’t cut your hair since you were 14, and you’re 32 and it only goes down past your buttocks?? What if? – if that was real life You’d be like ‘Cousin It’ from The Addams Family by now. You would just be a walking ball of hair. (reading) “I work in elder care and several of my male charges have described me as both Comely, and a ‘handome woman’. I used to permit these fellows to brush my hair until I was (laughing) reprimanded by my superiors.” Yeah, no fucking shit, Sherlock. Okay, she’s gonna break down how grooming circle works for us, okay I, I – I was completely at a loss before, I was thinking: woman? grooming circle? Four to six men? I don’t know how this works, but- (Reading) “This is how the ‘grooming circle’ works (reading) “I will distribute to each man a numbered brush from my array of fine Boar’s Head bristle brushes” Okay Now you just sound like, fucking, like, Ron Burgundy or somebody. (reading) “Two have ivory handles, Four have tortoiseshell” Is one made out of whale bone?
(reading) “Each man will gather around me and take hold of a lock of hair approximately a quarter inch in diameter.” Very, very important. Quarter of an inch in diameter, that’s 1/4 of an inch. Any more? Grooming circle is over And you’re all gonna have to go home.
(reading) “Each man will then spread out from me in what I refer to as the ‘Maypole formation’ ” Grooming circle, maypole formation, okay, got it. (reading) “I will let out a long sigh as a signal to commence brushing in tandem. I may need to periodically give notes and will refer to each man by brush number.” You there! Number four! Brush harder! (reading) “No tugging. And please do not suggest music. We will be listening to the Gypsy Kings.” None of that calm, Enya shit that you’re about to Put forth to me. No its Gypsy Kings only, 1/4 inch in diameter! Ok and Gypsy Kings. No tugging! Any of that shit and you’re outta here. (reading) “For those first-timers who have never participated in a grooming circle before -” Oh, you mean every other human being on the planet? (reading) “- and are feeling nervous, I will offer you a ladyfinger soaked in peach schnapps to calm you. I also have wine spritzer.” Yeah, it’s probably because you buy so many of them and get ID’d all the time, and it makes you feel good. (reading) “And if there’s – if that is more to your taste. Again, there is nothing so off-putting as an unsteady hand.” (clapping) Too true. Too true!
Who- who wrote this? Lily? Lily. Too true. Nothing more off-putting than an unsteady hand. Hate it. You thought it stopped there.
You thought that that was as weird as it got. You thought Grooming circles and peach schnapp ladyfingers were as bad as it gets – No tugging! No no, oh no. May I present to you, (reading)
“Be my space man, land on my moons”
written by Stephen King. Now, let me just set a little mood for you here, before we start this story. Just – nuzzle up into bed. Nuzzle up into a chair, get a blanket, get a pillow, get something, get a nice warm cup of your favorite beverage, maybe grab a cookie, maybe grab a snack, maybe light the fire. It’s wintertime. It’s cold outside and let’s just settle in to figure out what “land on my moons” actually is. (reading, echoing) “Looking for my moon man” Aren’t we all I need someone to cross the inky blackness of space and crawl inside my craters Real explorers only please ya know nose fake explores. I don’t want that shit in my craters No real explorers only please no haters an astronaut needs to hold his breath for 120 seconds hint hint Do they Do astronauts frequently go underwater because I imagine they’re not gonna be holding their breath for very long when they’re in space You know it the fact that they’re probably not allowed out into space without their helmets and stuff But they give a nice ol little hint hint they’re in the middle of it. Haha. It’s getting very sexual now and subject themselves to rigorous training both in theory and in practice Orbit me orbit me for a month or even just one night It’s been a while, so I’m looking for some groundbreaking missions. I need you to fall into my gravity Well, I need you to make me scream one small step for man one giant leap for mankind I Didn’t know what DD free is Dd free you should be too of course. I’m completely DD free instead of disease all thought I’m not opposed to orbiting at 420 feet What was crazy person I’m not opposed orbiting at 420 feet Okay, this has to be these have to be fake, right It saddens me that I have to question that that it’s not just like haha good meme no It’s a case of like there are people out there like this Do I have to worry just gonna put it out there not that enticing I? Mean you say you’re looking for some groundbreaking missions But all you really said is that you need to hold your breath for 120 seconds But you don’t feel like would be that heard of feet-first actually that would be a very fuckin hard feed. That’s two minutes That’s a long breath hold. What’s the world record for holding breath? What? in 2012 German free diver Tom citas held his breath underwater for 22 minutes and 22 seconds Besting Dame Stig Severinsen ‘s previous record by 22 seconds People could hold her breath for 22 minutes Are you half blue whale we’ll hear you our person. I got the perfect person for you Tom C toss he can hold his breath for 22 minutes and He got he went underwater as he did it so I’m pretty sure he might be able to like figure out how to orbit you Which I don’t know what that means? Re. Are you big enough to have your own gravitational pole? Is that what it is this was just all Super Mario six? I Don’t think you need to be I don’t think you need to be an astronaut that it can hold your breath for 120 seconds an orbit someone to figure out what this one is this is a wolf um, okay? Turns up with I know this is super fucking weird at this point. I mean I’m in it Nothing’s really that weird anymore after those ones But what is Craigslist for if not freaky ass sex fantasies this person is this person knows What’s up, this person just said I know it’s weird fucking don’t really care. I’m just posting it anyway I want to fuck Super Mario oh No, I want a guy to wear overalls a red shirt And hat and fuck me hurt while occasionally saying the catchphrase like Let’s go and Mamma Mia Okay, I shouldn’t be saying that the person who wrote this might be watching it They might get turned on ok my impression is too good. I guess to look the part It would be wicked if you had dark hair. Yeah ok, but they have to have dark hair on the top But they also have to have a lighter shade as a mustache because that’s the way Mario actually is does it not freak anybody else out that Mario’s mustache does not match his head hair I mean look Pretty fucking same what’s going on Mario? How old are you I? Feel like that’s a question we all actually need to figure out He doesn’t look like he ages, but he probably uses You know like like just for men like just match up the shades, dude Then it doesn’t look so obvious that you’re dyeing your mustache is your mustache even real That’s that’s what I need to find out You have to leave your costume on during the whole encounter if you’re really into it I can wear a pink dress and pretend to be Princess Peach oh Fuck any takers for my weird fetish I’ll be in Ottawa this weekend Wahoo, and then at the bottom It says it’s not okay to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests I mean what if somebody wants to supply the costumes? That’s that’s like a really good in for them That they can start finally selling to cosplay costumes and that they have like a very a very Engaged community that will wash that will wear those Also, just gonna put it out there This is not that weird. I feel like that. This is a thing that people probably do on the regs fairly often there’s probably a whole subreddits dedicated to this there’s subreddits for fucking everything if There’s a subreddit got to do with looking at someone’s baby toenails Then there probably is yep. Let’s look it up. Okay. Thank fuck. That is not a thing that exists I think I’m gonna leave that here for now that good a little bit, too Hot that made me a little steamy under the collar a bit too quickly. I’m gonna have to stop there before this Amazing erection starts to strangle me, but I’m glad I did it I feel like I got to know people a little bit better. *laughs* Plus, you have to admit, that was kind of fun *laughs* I Might do more of these. There are a lot of Craigslist ads in there that are just super weird if you have any like All-time classics that you found yourself Please let me know I would love to see them because these are just hilarious and as I said I’ve never Interacted with Craigslist before I’ve interacted with like Yahoo Answers which is kinda the same thing But these are people actually looking for this thing or maybe they’re fake I don’t know. I’m just gonna trust that they’re all real because in my heart of hearts I want to believe that they’re all real because those people out there especially mullet man Sexy kayak mullet man. The best of us all. And I really wanna believe that someone finally got orbited. And somebody finally got inside those craters and landed on those moons. But anyway, thank you guys so much for watching this episode! If you liked it, punch that like button in the face, LIKE A BOSS! And, high fives all around. (Whapoosh! Whapoosh!) But thank you guys, and I will see all you dudes… IN THE NEXT VIDEO! (Outro music plays) Mic drop! Mic drop! (Wait wait, is he seriously singing MIC DROP?!)