Laughter is the Best Medicine

Eight Hilarious Religious Jokes

a Benedictine a Jesuit and a Franciscan all get stranded on a desert island until they come across a lamp in the sand rubbing it out pops a genie who's seen three men says I will give each one of you one wish anything that you desire so the Jesuit jumps up first and says oh thank God get me off this island I need to be back at the university teaching proclaiming the word that is where I'm called and so poof he was gone the Benedictine jumped up next and said oh thank god get me off this island I need to be back at the monastery where I belong working and praying in my vow of stability that's where my charism lies poof he was gone and so there was only the Franciscan left looking around kind of hesitantly knowing that he didn't need anything but holy simplicity looked at the genie and said you know I kind of liked those guys can you bring him back a Dominican a Franciscan and a Jesuit go to heaven and meet Jesus sitting on his throne he greets them warmly and says that they are invited into the kingdom of heaven as long as they share what they believe the dominican goes first and says that he believes in all the writings of Thomas Aquinas the proofs for God and all the many wonderful doctrines of the church pleased Jesus lets him in the Franciscan goes next in bowing low and humility says that he believes in the Incarnation the Word made flesh in holy poverty that Jesus took on himself pleased once again Jesus lets him in then with a long pause the Jesuit speaks up and says well I believe that you're in my seat well it's often believed that god is all-knowing the fact of the matter is that there are three things that even God doesn't know how many congregations of women religious there are how much money the Franciscans are hiding and what the Jesuits gonna do next a Dominican and a Franciscan both die and go to heaven standing before the pearly gates Saint Peter checks his list and says oh yes here you are both right here let me go make sure that your accommodations are ready then all the sudden choirs starts singing the angels come out and the Saints start chanting the Dominicans named Saint Thomas Aquinas Saint Dominic come along with the Virgin Mary herself floating on a cloud and they say come brother let us introduce you to our Lord and he flies off from the cloud with them the Franciscan is left there alone thinking oh my gosh this is amazing I can't wait to see who comes greet me this is the greatest thing in the whole world with all this anticipation he sits there any waits he waits an hour goes by and he starts to get a little impatient and all of a sudden this kind of chubby little friar comes out off the side door he's ah you're still here come on this way let's go he says wait wait what happened to my parade he said I was expecting Francis and Anthony and Bonaventure and the grubby little fry sis ah you're a Franciscan we got hundreds of those there it's not every day we get a dominican into heaven a Benedictine Franciscan Dominican and Jesuit we're all meeting in the basement when all the sudden the power went out the Benedictine having memorized all the Psalms began to give God praise from what he had memorized from the Bible the Dominican began to preach about the metaphysics of light and darkness the Franciscan glories in the simplicity of creation of the darkness of poverty and the Jesuit went up to the fuse box and fixed the light a Franciscan and a Jesuit rout golfing one day when they came upon an extremely slow grouping in front of him they felt that it was rude and so they called the manager complaining the manager said I'm sorry if you could have a little patience that whole grouping is blind the Franciscan felt horrible that he had acted not in humility but very proud and began to do penance the Jesuit on the other hands responded to the manager asking why don't you just make them play at night a man approaches a Franciscan and says father I really want a Mercedes if I pray a novena will God give it to me looking confused the Franciscan looks back and says I'm sorry would some Mercedes so the man moves on to a Jesuit and asks the same question father I really want a Mercedes if I pray a novena will God give it to me looking equally as confused that Jesuit responds I'm sorry what's a novena so the man moves on to a diocesan priest and asked the same question father I really want a Mercedes if I pray a novena will God give it to me looking back in the man and smiling that the house isn't priest says well that's how I got mine one day in heaven Saints Dominic Benedict Ignatius of Loyola and Francis of Assisi we're all arguing over whose charism was the most primitive to God st. Dominic's spoke up first saying that in the Gospel of John we hear that in the beginning was the word and the Word was made flesh and since we are the preachers of the word we are first st. Benedict jumped up next and says yes but even before the Incarnation there was the garden and in the garden there was nothing but work and prayer meaning that our charism was before that st. Ignatius of Loyola stood up and said yes but even before the garden even before all of creation there was nothing but chaos and God brought order to that chaos we bring order and so our charism is first then finally st. Francis stood up and with a smile on his face he said yes you are right before order was chaos and so therefore we the Franciscans are first

30 thoughts on “Eight Hilarious Religious Jokes

  1. What’s the difference between at Dominican and a Jesuit? The Dominicans where founded to combat the heresy of Albigensianism, the Jesuits to combat the heresy of Protestantism. Well, how many Albigensian have you met lately?

  2. #1

    A man was asking God some questions one day.

    "God, what is time like to you?:"

    God replies "A million years is like a second.

    Then he asks "God what is wealth like to you?"

    "A penny is like a million dollars." God replies

    So the man thinks for while then asks "God can I have one of your pennies?"

    God replies, "In a second."

    What do you get when Jesus blesses an avocado?

    Holy guacamole.

  3. A Jesuit and a Carmelite were good friends and heavy smokers who found it tough to pray for long periods without stopping prayer to have a cigarette. So they decided to ask their superiors for permission to smoke. The next time they met, the Jesuit was upset. He said to his friend, "I asked for permission to smoke while praying, and was told no." The Carmelite replied, "I asked if I could pray while I smoke. He said "Of course.""

  4. The monks were required to take a vow of silence however, every six years they were allowed to say three words to the head monk.
    One day a young man took his vows and became a monk, and after working all day he finally got his dinner. And using his first three words, he tells the head monk "Food too hot!"
    When the next day came and his food was ice cold, and the monk was stuck with cold food for the next six years.
    After six grueling years, the young monk said "Food too cold!" and when the food came to him later that day, it was too hot again. Thinking he wasn't making any progress with the food he laid back in his bed thinking what he was going to do, when a spring came out from his mattress and into his back. The monk let out a sigh.
    After six more years of agonizing sleep he exclaimed "Bed too uncomfortable!" the head monk turned to him and said "You know what? You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

  5. There is a computer in the Bible, Adam and eve had an Apple 🍎,
    (now for the joke) it had a very weak memory, just 2 bytes and it crashed 💻❌

  6. This joke about the power going out, I know it in a different way. I know this way…
    " Once there was an Religous Congregation Congress at a Diocesan Cathedral. There were friars and monks from many different Orders and Congregations. So the power went out during the Vespers.
    The Benedictines kept praying because they do know the Liturgy of the Hours by heart, so no light wouldn't bother them at all.
    The Descalsed Carmelites fell asleep. The Jesuits started to talk to each other and wondered if they really needed to follow that religious obligation if there was no light. The Franciscans preferred to find any poor person on the street to feed. Then the Diocesan Cathedral Pastor calls the Electrical Company and the light goes back" lol lol

  7. I always pray to St Peters coz he is the one who's going to check my account when I reach there hope by 2020 I will be in his good books 😊

  8. This is funny because I know a little about the Jesuits and Franciscans but only from the outside so most of this is foreign

  9. Here you go .. 'Is the pope Catholic?' It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no today, you'll make some Catholics somewhere laugh. And here's one that has the demons guffawing: 'We can have a reasonable hope all souls will be saved'. This is my fave: Why are atoms Catholic?
    – Because they have mass. Boom! Boom! ;o)

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