Laughter is the Best Medicine

Eli's Dirty Jokes - Episode 45 - Serious Situation

a married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom he rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed sweating and panting what's up he asked I'm having a heart attack cries a woman I'm gonna put a little more emphasis okay oh I'm having a heart attack cries a woman he really runs downstairs to grab the phone but just as he's calling his four-year-old son comes up and says hey daddy daddy uncle Ted's hiding in her closet and he's got no clothes on there I stand the phone down and stops upstairs into the bedroom rips open the closet door and sure enough there's his brother buck naked cowering in the closet you bastard says the husband my wife's having a heart attack and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids cowboy Earl and Betty are senior citizens well girl has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator complexes seeing them on sale one day he buys appear and wears them home

46 thoughts on “Eli's Dirty Jokes – Episode 45 – Serious Situation

  1. Whatever happened to this channel? I'm still subscribed to them after so many years and there is no longer any Eli jokes?

  2. Wanna hear a clean joke? Yeah. Your took a bath with bubbles

    Ok? Wanna hear a dirty joke? Ok…?

    Bubbles is a man


  3. So there are these two park rangers named Randy and Rick, and there job is to bike around one campground at the national park each week to see if the campers are following the rules. One day they bike past a woman sunbathing naked except a pair of sunglasses. She has a long brown ponytail and beautiful, perfect breasts. Randy jumps off the bike to take pictures of the woman to show to the head of the park as proof of indecent exposure. But Rick just rides away as fast as he can. So Randy chases after. When he catches up, he asks Rick, "Why didn't you help me take pictures?" "Don't you know?" replies Rick. "My mother told me that if I ever saw a woman with a long brown ponytail and perfect breasts naked except sunglasses, her beauty would turn me to stone!" "Oh dang!" says Randy. "I already felt something getting hard!!!"

  4. Three virgin 18-year-olds went to college, where they had there first sex. There mother wrote emails to them asking how there sex lives were. The first daughter emailed back, "My boyfriend's penis is like a cigar." The mother looked at her husband's box of cigars, and it said, "Extra Fat." The second daughter emailed "My boyfriend's semen is like apple juice." The mother grabbed a carton of apple juice, and it said "You'll love every drop." The third daughter said, "My vagina is like a school." The mother rushed to the nearest school. School had just ended, and the principal said, "So many kids keep coming out. I can't remember all the fathers!!!"

  5. A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey – its not that hard."

  6. There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

  7. The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

  8. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

  9. A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbour and says, “Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?'' Her neighbour replies, “Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.'' Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbour asks how it worked. “So-so,'' she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''

  10. The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,” He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

    He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

    He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?” He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

    The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

    “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

  11. A little boy walked into the kitchen for breakfast only to find a dry bowl of cereal. "Why no milk?" he asks his mother. "Well," says the mother, "you kicked the cow yesterday so no milk for a week." The boy also usually had ham and eggs. "Why no ham and eggs?" asked the boy. "Well," says the mother, "you kicked the pig and the hen yesterday so no ham or eggs for a week." Just then, the two saw the boy's father kicking the cat. The mother says to the son, "Who should tell him no pussy?"

  12. Three men wonder how they got there last names, so they consult a fortune teller. "Mr. Baker," says the fortune teller, "your great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was a baker in the French Revolution." Then he turns to Mr. Milkmaid. "Your great-great-great-great-great-grandmother was a milkmaid during the reign of Cromwell," he says. Then Mr. Dickinson gets up and leaves.

  13. A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

  14. Not a dirty joke, but one of my faves:

    A gang of animals decided to play soccer. During the first half, the lion's team did horridly because there was a giraffe on the other team who was very good at soccer. The lion bit into the giraffe's leg, but the giraffe shook him off. The rhino charged into the giraffe and broke his horn. The whale might have hurt the giraffe if he had legs to run. So the giraffe's team scored goal after goal after goal while the lion's team was stuck with a goose egg. But during the second half something amazing happened. A centipede ran between the giraffe's legs, distracting the giraffe. His neck went so far he flipped over, fell on his back, and died. Without their star player, the giraffe's team lost. After the game the lion realized something. "You could have killed the giraffe during the first half," he told the centipede. "Where were you?" And the centipede said, "I was tying my shoes."

  15. A man goes on a business trip, so in case his wife gets horny, he buys a special dildo and tells her how it works. When he leaves the wife says, "Dildo my pussy!" and the dildo enters her vagina. After 15 minutes the wife gets tired, but the husband has forgotten to tell her to turn it off. So she goes to the hospital to get it removed. But the dildo is fucking her so hard she crosses the yellow line. A cop sees her and arrests her, then a judge tries her again the next day. The woman tells the judge the story. "I know how to solve that problem!" says the judge. "Dildo my ass!"

  16. Did no one notice this was uploaded on October 11 2011!? Seriously though, did this channel shut down or something?

  17. A king wanted his daughter to remain a virgin until she got married. So whenever a prince was in the castle, the king would put a razer in the princess' vagina. The next morning, he'd pull down the prince's pants. But the prince's penis always fell off because it had come in to contact with the razor during sex with the princess. One morning, however, he pulled down a prince's pants, and his penis stayed on. "Congradulations," said the king. "You will marry my daughter." "Thank you," said the prince. As he said that, his tonge fell out of his mouth.


  19. A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor," he said, "i can't seem to stop thinking dirty thoughts." "Okay," says the doctor, and he makes an inkblot. "What's this?" he says. "That's easy," says the guy, "a penis!" So the doctor makes another inkblot and says, "What's this?" "That's even easier," says the guy, "a woman's bare chest! Gee, why do u keep showing me such dirty pictures?"

  20. Bob, Bill and Bud died on Xmas Eve and went to Heaven, where God said, "To get into Heaven, u must show me something Xmasy." Bob got out a lighter and lit it. Bill got out a set of keys and shook them. And Bud got out a bikini. "Hmmm…" said God, "I understand that the lighter is a candle, the keys are bells, but what about the underwear?" And Bud said, "Well, these are Carol's."

  21. an old man went to vacation on nudist camp, when he was there having his time he saw a pretty woman and suddently his wand came to life and woman approached him and started to caress him. the old man didnt understand why this happened she explained:
    -well when you ding it means you want to have sex with a woman
    the next day the old man suddently laid down a huge fart and a tall black guy approached him and started to caress him again the old man didnt understood why and the black guy explained:
    -you see when you lay down a huge fart it means you want to have a sex with some man.
    suddently the man left the camp and went to complain to his travel agent about his vacation the agent asked:
    -whats wrong?
    -you see i ding once a year and i fart almost always

  22. A guy went to the doctor saying that when he'd fallen asleep, his penis was perfectly fine, but when he woke up, there was a red ring around his penis. The doctor gave the man something to put on his penis, and it works! But the next morning, the ring was back, so the man read the bottle. It said, "LIPSTICK REMOVER."

  23. So this really hot chick was walking down the hallway at school, when suddenly, a popular boy made her stand on her head. Her shirt fell off. Her bra was visible. Her skirt fell off. Her panties were visible. The boy paid her $20. A teacher saw this and said, "Don't worry, Katy. He just wants to see your undergarments." So Katy went into the bathroom, came out, and stood on her head again. But there was a trick, she wasn't WEARING undergarments.

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