[Please keep these CC clean]
[You can put funny extras in the English (Canada) CC] MAID: Master Kiritsugu! Your child has been born. IRISVIEL: She’s adorable. So small… So very delicate… She has your eyes. KIRITSUGU: I’m going to kill you. IRISVIEL: Wow. Way to make this dark. KIRITSUGU: This is coming from the woman
who *lied* about being pregnant. At least I’m honest. IRISVIEL: I’ve told you multiple times I was expecting. What did you think it meant when my stomach grew? KIRITSUGU: You were getting fat? IRISVIEL: *Oh, for fuck’s sake*, just hold your daughter! KIRITSUGU: She doesn’t have my eyes. [Opening theme] KIREI: Huh… Did I get so drunk I don’t remember this tattoo? TOKIOMI: It’s a Command Seal. KIREI: “Command Seal”? And I’m supposed
to know what the hell that is? TOKIOMI: Allow me to pour a glass of wine
like the smug douche I am, then I’ll explain. It signifies you’re part of the Holy Grail War… …a fight to the death for an
omnipotent wish-granting chalice. KIREI: First Claudia’s death, now this?
I’ve hit the jackpot! Imagine what hell we could rain from the sky! TOKIOMI: Your father agreed you’ll be fighting
alongside me so that *I* win the Grail. KIREI: What? Father, I have to work with *this* asshole? RISEI: I thought it was a noble idea. Tokiomi seems like a good guy once you get
past him bartering off his own *daughter*. You two can become best buddies. TOKIOMI: It would seem your balls
are in my court now, Kirei. Hmm… That is some *good* red wine. Huh – look at Kirei’s face right now. He’s annoyed he’s not getting any wine.
What a joke, hu-ha-ha. RISEI: He sure is taking this well, what with the whole wife dying
and being a part of a war thing. TOKIOMI: Don’t you think it would have
been a good idea to… oh, I don’t know… …therapeutically speak to Kirei about her passing? RISEI: I did *that*. [Flashback]
Son… It is best we talk about your wife’s descent into Hell. KIREI: I told the albino I didn’t love her
right before she croaked. [Present]
RISEI: I’m quite confident he’s fine. TOKIOMI: Then it’s not very likely your lack of
understanding him will bite me in the back. RISEI: Exactly! Now let us indulge in more debauchery! KIREI: ‘Ha-ha-ha-ha! Tokiomi, you are so fucked…’ KARIYA: Hi, Aoi. AOI: Urgh, not this freak agai– III mean hi, Kariya~! You’re back sooner than expected… RIN: Uncle Kariya! Uncle Kariya! Welcome back! KARIYA: And you are? Where is Sakura? AOI: Tokiomi decided to sell her
to the Mateos for a quick buck. KARIYA: ‘Wait – he sold her to my family?’ That disgusting bastard! Let Sakura go. ZOUKEN: No! KARIYA: Why not? Come on! ZOUKEN: Maybe if a certain someone didn’t abandon his
family’s magic and grow an obsession with a married woman! KARIYA: Get over it. You’re the one
with the creepy-ass bug magic. Why do you need Sakura, anyway? ZOUKEN: For the Holy Grail, of course.
Sakura serves as a magical tool. And since I’m such a wrinkled nutsack,
I need someone to fight in my stead. KARIYA: How about we do a little trade? I win the Grail, you let Sakura go. ZOUKEN: I’m cool with that, but you ain’t no Mage, Kariya. However… I could infest you with worms. KARIYA: Come again? ZOUKEN: Implant you with my Crest Worm. I must warn you – it is very dangerous and painful. Could make you go insane. KARIYA: Oh, how bad could it be? Oh my God, this pain is unbearable! ZOUKEN: Sooo, I want you to retrieve the Grail– KARIYA: WRAAAAGH! And I want ice cream! ZOUKEN: Well, he’s taking this better than expected. KARIYA: Ice cream… KAYNETH: All right, students – time to
raise your wands, so repeat after me: “Wingardium Levioso”. WAVER: Ahem… I believe you’re
saying it incorrectly, Professor Archibald. It’s actually “LevioSA”. KAYNETH: Who said that? Who the *fuck* said *that*? Show yourself before I curse you all, you asses. WAVER: Uhhh… it was me, Professor… …Waver Velvet. I just figured, since you said the spell incorrectl– KAYNETH: It is my classroom,
and I will say spells however I want. Need I remind you (of) your
family’s lack of magical prowess? Or how you possess a striking resemblance to a woman? WAVER: But– But I did– I didn’t mean–! KAYNETH: But nothing! Consider yourself
out of Slytherin, you damn Hufflepuff! [Laughter] WAVER: Who the hell does he think he *is*
putting me into a worthless house? I swear on my life, I’ll have my rev– Aahhh! Son of a…! COURIER: Sorry about your shattered kneecap. As a memento for your injury, take this ancient tablet that totally
wasn’t meant for Professor Archibald! WAVER: “Instructions on how to join the Holy Grail War…” [Continues reading] Ummm… hmm, that’s weird. Step Four just says “Profit!”. Oh, whatever. I’ve scored big! Kayneth has screwed with the
wrong Slytherin… I mean Hufflepuff. KIRITSUGU: “Kayneth Archibald”. A receding hairline and relatively large ego. Definitely not a problem. But then we have this “Kirei Kotomine”,
former Executor of the Holy Church. IRISVIEL: Regardless, all of them seem like freaks. Surely, you’ll defeat them. KIRITSUGU: Indeed. What *does* concern me, however… …is that reports claim Kotomine is a douche. KIREI: Rin, what the hell are you doing with the suitcase? RIN: I’m running away! Daddy keeps telling me about how he’s going to
kill all these people in order to take over the world! KIREI: What’s so wrong about that?
You get to rule over the world tooo~ RIN: Nooo! That’s completely insane! KIREI: Wow; way to not care about your own dad, *dick*. AOI: Yeah, stop being a dick, Rin. KIREI: Now excuse me… I must accompany your father while he summons
the biggest asshole to ever walk this Earth. RIN: What’s a dick? TOKIOMI: Thank you for joining me, Kotomines. You’re about to bear witness to
the beginning of the Holy Grail War. KIREI: ‘The fuck is he talking about?’ ‘The War started a month ago when I summoned Assassin.’ TOKIOMI: And Kirei – before you say, “Well I already summoned Assassin, the War’s begun”, just a quick a bit of information… Assassin is quite possibly the shittiest
Servant you could have summoned. So nice job, moron. Allow me to show you how it’s really done. “From the crown come forth,
and follow the fork road to the kingdom.” IRISVIEL: Is a simple ritual like this
enough to summon a Heroic Spirit? KIRITSUGU: Surprisingly, yes. Summoning a Servant doesn’t
require an elaborate invocation. You see – the writers got lazy, and couldn’t
come up with anything extravagant… So, they said the Grail does the actual summoning. WAVER: “Heed my words…” “My will creates your body
and your sword creates my destiny.” “If you heed the Grail’s call and obey my will and reason…” “…then answer my summoning!” KIRITSUGU: “I hereby swear…” “That I shall be all the good in the world.” “That I shall *defeat* all evil in the world.” KARIYA: “Let thine eyes be clouded
with the fog of turmoil and chaos.” KARIYA: “Thou, who are trapped in a cage of madness…” ZOUKEN: Heh!
KARIYA: “Thou, who are trapped in a cage of madness…” KARIYA: “Thou, who are trapped in a cage of madness…” “and I, the summoner, who holds thy chain…!” TOKIOMI: “Seventh Heaven clad in the great words of power…” “…come forth from the Circle of Binding, Guardians of Scales!” ???: Wah, Wah, Waahh. KARIYA: (Panting) TOKIOMI: This day knows no bounds…! Kirei… victory is *ours*! IRISVIEL: (Gasp) SABER: I ask you… Are you my Master? KIRITSUGU: Nah, come on. A woman? SABER: Goddamn it.