Have you ever travelled by plane?
Of course, you have. You must have heard
the in-flight announcements. What is that? The crew arrives
and they start announcements. But, they don’t stop. You are in a plane…
means you are travelling, right? You want to just go to sleep but, they constantly
barrage you with nonsense. The pilot will say, “I am the pilot.” This is the co-pilot. We’re from Jaipur. We didn’t want to write
you a formal letter. What’s the need for this
unnecessary information? I’m not in the mood.
Talk to each other. You aren’t even alone
in the cock pit. There are two of you. You still want to talk to 300 people. The flight attendant says,
“My name’s Sunaina.” I can read. And she isn’t joking when she says, “I’m going to introduce
you to my crew of 13.” She really does it. That’s Sahil, Mahesh… We’re from Jaipur. He’s from Bangalore.
We’ll drop him off en route. They’ll tell you their entire plan.
We’re selling snacks. Eat them. I’m talking about a budget airline. We speak three languages. We don’t want to talk to
you in even one of them. They start off in sign language! Shameless! The safety jacket
must be worn this way. Is there any other way? Sunaina, it has just one hole. Which fool wears
the jacket the other way? And he floats away because
he didn’t pay attention. Light up the red lamp
to draw attention. Whose attention? While drowning… Sunaina,
the coffee has some sea in it. May I please get some sugar? Have you ever thought…
Well these… But, have you ever thought
that you are taking a flight and from beginning to end… there’s no in-flight
announcement at all. A cloak of silence. Won’t your balls choke you? Why aren’t they telling me… that they’re from Jaipur. At that time, you’ll want to chat. Sunaina, tell me…
where will you go from here? They talk to you because
it’s not a normal experience. They make it normal to you. They’re authoratative figures.
They can fuck with you. They can shut the door and announce,
you’ve been hijacked. If anyone asks, “Show me your gun.” Their response, “Jump out, you fool.” You’ll see the gun on the ground. If I was a flight attendant,
I would fuck with people. Because I love pranks. If I were a flight attendant,
do you know what I would have done? I would run from one end of the plane
to the other. Screaming “This has never happened before!” Only to return and say “We’d forgotten the tea.” “So, everyone will have coffee today.” And if this old fart makes a big deal, I’ll open the emergency exit. Why?
Because I know how to. I’m just fucking with everyone. They’re telling me their preferences
but I’m ignoring them. They tell me, “We’re Jain.” Tell me more about your culture. We don’t want to talk rubbish.
We don’t eat onion. Oh! Then go find another restaurant Because Sahil is layered
like an onion, so am I… so is this plane. I’m just fucking with everyone. People are throwing up
due to panic attacks. This is just me. Imagine how much
the pilot can fuck with you. They don’t even need to step out. They can announce during a take off. get ready for landing. And everyone’s wondering,
“We haven’t even taken off.” During turbulence… they’re saying,
“The weather’s so lovely.” Co-pilot, they should
unfasten their seat belts. Your going to Delhi
and they say, “Ahmedabad’s here.” You don’t want to go to Ahmedabad. I would’ve said,
“You should’ve told him the route.” Why didn’t you?
We wouldn’t have to make a U-turn. I wanted to be a pilot
to make one announcement. Just one.
“We’ve taken off.” It’s been 20 minutes.
Everything’s gone well. After which I would announce… “Look, I’m sorry.” No announcement after that. Try and sleep after that. They would spend all their time
wondering why the pilot was sorry. They must have had an internal fight. Why didn’t they share with us? The joke’s done. Thanks! You guys have been a lovely audience,
honestly. Thanks a lot! Yeah, I know. That was just the intermission, guys. It was just the first half.
The second half starts now.