Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

FUNNIEST AUDITIONS EVER ON GOT TALENT


Good evening what’s your name? My name is Steven Holl Steven Paul H a double L Thank you for clarifying that How old are you Steven? I’m 53 and um what is your job our? telecommunications engineer Do you think that what you’re gonna do for us is suitable for the Royal Variety I do indeed yes, okay? You’ve got two minutes to possibly change the rest of your life. Good luck Thank you You broke my heart Because I couldn’t dance You didn’t even want me around But now I’m back to let you know that I can really shake him down Good evening how are you good? Thank you. Good. Good right tell us a bit about yourself. My name is Mark metallic I’m from Paris wander So what you’re gonna do for us today. I have a special guest for you. Okay, can I invite sure yeah just for you miss? Wendy come on Sit down okay your thumb flows down. Don’t worry We did she lovely Hello I am mark metal I am a 61 and I come from Paris – about today well you know when you work with weave a live dog it’s always anything can happen yeah thrashing I grew up in a little village in the France and my parents was peach Farmers, it’s a it was a hard life. If you like bitch. I can bring your good one So we were talking one day. It’s a Rottweiler Puppies dog since she has two months without air. I will be nothing if thing about your audition everything gonna be all right now Vivian my wife, she told me you are crazy to make pretend concurrent with to play in front of royal family for me It’s like a dream I’m always dreaming even at my age Whenever you’re ready Hey, you can say good evening you speak English It’s my night come on hey say something know What what why not it’s fantastic come on it’s presidency durch yes No no listen in English see Spanish we can say okay Hey Wendy listen to me you think I am stupid yes So well you don’t want to speak anymore no okay, and now oh yes, I want You know you know how to sing know, what yes, yes Well we’ll listen to you It’s bow-wow and you understand Music please we’re gonna sing something for you all right. Okay? Don’t look at me look at me audience connect their feelings come on Nothing Trying to fuck all together okay Please come on. We say it’s pretty thing good talent. Okay. I don’t get that feeling Oh, No This is my good friend Pissarro, it’s a Brazilian word It means bird bird bird bird They call me third bird bird mutant Look at her miss miss French see The Vixen of Diddley It’s actually Vicar of Dibley youth pray for what you want all three four diamonds It’s funny who the hell is that that’s Kyle He’s ugly, that’s enough you don’t say that That was a matter of time You don’t tell him he’s ugly huh you don’t do that Apologize telling you sorry. I’m sorry you’re ugly, no I apologize Kyle. I’m sorry. I love you in miss French Talk to her properly engage her in conversation How old are you no no no? You don’t ask a lady her age what year were you born I Love you I know you love us stop saying it I Love you All right, that’s enough that’s enough I gonna sing to her. There’s no song. We’re not doing a song hit the music I will always love you Always love you. [Applause] With a fairy tale of love, thank you This is the story about love when a guy meets a girl in a bar he’s seen the girl Only wants to say is a great big hello is it me your looking for She looked lovely the dress that night she was wearing words She wasn’t looking at it, so he showed her his best dance moves what does the fox say?(ding,ding,ding,ding,ding) what the fox say every day i’m shuffling Wanna drink what you want Fair enough Looks the guy in says, I’m sorry I better go to the toilet. Don’t go he says please don’t go The girl comes back Says hey when I come back to my place with coffee the guy says hey The guy got the girl and now they be together for 45 years Is the canary tale love love, thank you You want to do it yeah, let’s get your hand gonna make them laugh all yours good luck. Have fun Hello I know Chanel got this Candace were you from Latvia. Okay? If you’ve Latvia. Why did you why did you come here? I came came here to live my name is goddess Candice, and I’m originally from Latvia But now I live in West End and near Sainsbury’s, and I’m gonna be doing stand-up comedy the gigs I’ve been doing people usually laugh, but then sometimes I get high cold and it’s painful and Sometimes they’re just quiet which is also and for well. I’m asking forward to seeing Simon then I found out Carmen Electra’s gonna be there very excited to see her and Desert is judges David Walliams is obviously he’s a comedian all right. Okay? I Didn’t know that David’s gonna. Be dead okay Jeana here he is Okay good luck Okay Okay, uh hello are there any guys with big muscles in the audience No good then I’ll talk about them You know you know those big muscles make those guys so heavy that they cannot ride a pony However They can break a fragile toilet seat. I mean I mean do they work out to attract the ladies Well, actually the ladies are attracted to what’s inside of a man Back me up ladies if you agree say yeah Rapidly moving on public toilets can’t live without them can’t live in them either Because there is no fridge and microwave. They’re Often when I use the male toilet some guys their part very loud And I don’t like that so when possible I sneak into the ladies toilets instead because they’re much more discreet about it Well at least when they know that I am there A seeing is believing and weighing is relieving Funny is cool. We’ve had now is good More Any well now you never well you you’re a person What’s going on here You are the funniest Unfunniest comedian I have ever heard in my life I made absolute rubbish But it actually really really made me laugh Now that that was my aim to make you laugh what you’ve certainly did that catches It was so bad that it was actually brilliant Yeah, you mustn’t change you seriously must not change even the jumper keep the job Well, which one is the dominating role with it? It’s hilarious I’m gonna kick this off because she did actually make me laugh, and that’s what comedians are supposed to do, so I’m gonna say yes Say yes It’s a note from me today So it rests with me The way you must judge comedies did it make you laugh It made me laugh, I’m gonna say yeah Let’s see if under all that facial fuzz our judges can find a whisker of talent is all is all that real. It’s real Yeah, it’s all right. He obviously brothers We are we twins. Yeah, what are your names the Nelson twins it nails them twins and have you been performing along? Well, I’ve been performing for about five years, and hopefully he starts tonight Thank you well it’s great to be here. I’m not excited on beside myself Good evening everyone we’re the Nelson twins my name’s Justin and this is my identical twin sister Sharon We should tell you a bit about ourselves We come from a small country town in New South Wales Corps ball boundary And we used to be apprentice bakers, which is a coincidence because we’re inbred Well boundary was a small town it had one shot one pub and one prostitute Mum found a pretty tough working three jobs Our mom didn’t even know she was having twins until she was six months pregnant and our dad was even more surprised Because they’d been in jail for three years Boom twins we can send each other telepathic messages, but Telstra found out about it understand into the plan It’s really frustrating knowing what each other’s thinking we once played a game of rock-paper-scissors that lasted three years I Really hate gone through airport security at the moment, but I love flying because every time we catch a flight somewhere I always sit at the front of the plane and he sits at the rear Then I’ll tell the guy flight attendant to meet me out the back in five minutes Sorry I’m Phil W Greene, and I’m 21 and I’m going to be doing comedy impressions Well let you do this full-time No, I don’t know. What do you do? I work at body shop at the moment as a customer consultant But your dream is to be a big it I’d love to be on stage Philip did you bring anyone with you? Yeah, my friend Christy. She work a body shop. She did, but she’s recently left. Why because she found a better job Where she now works at Barrett I hope he’s good after all of this okay. Well Philip. You’ve got roughly two minutes. Let’s do it, okay? I’m getting a pass today I’d say we’re going to be health working out so everyone put your hands out in front of you Spread your legs and do some squats Miami baby, martin fowler’s sofa isn’t there I don’t pot wimpy power winching You know I’m gonna meet her hello Oh my god, I mean oh My goodness have you seen the bacteria in here is awful. Oh? Don’t it’s me Thank you very much – need how many of you hit tonight already to enter the land of make-believe Looks like how he’s already in the land of make-believe, which makes you the perfect person to join me up here on stage Would you mind let’s hear it for Howie Mandel everyone? Yes, thank you in your own time Howie, I understand you’re allergic the longer the longer you take the shorter my act I quite understand have a seat there Howie tonight live from Radio City you are gonna become a human ventriloquist dummy Okay, now all you have to do All you have to do is keep looking out there all right Let me do all the talking okay, and I’ve got to say that’s a pretty good fit By the way, this is Charlie, are you okay? Charlie? Yes, thank you First of all we’ve got to find you a voice I mean it matches your physical appearance something butch something macho are you okay? Well it shots me it shocked me I was only joking – I’m going to change the voice no no I like it Okay, I want to say no to my fans You want to say hello to this lot just turned the people on the right give him a big wave say hello Hello Nicely done now the people on the left say hi to them And now that people right up to talking I’m a big sexy hello Did you see them waving back Yet now stop touching me. What get away watch. Don’t touch me. What do you mean? I’m not touching get away Okay, alright alright. Is that far enough? perfect Hi, how are you doing that? I’ve got a little controller in my hand here. Oh wow, that’s amazing She’s got a controller hidden control me. Yes, that’s right. Oh now. We can have some fun I don’t want to be a judge No I want to be an act you want to be an actress you go and judge me You want me to judge you yes, go and sit in my seat. I can’t sit in your seat. No no I insist well if you insist Hello fellow judges It’s great to be here. Okay, so I can’t believe I’m a judge on America’s Got Talent, so what’s your name? Well, my name is my name Sorry, I don’t get nervous. Don’t worry. Take your time My name is Harry. Hello good evening Howie, and what are you gonna do for us tonight tonight? I wanna do my dancing Look you you don’t have to know now, I really want to Okay, so do you have some moves? You’d like to show us yes stand up first of all Okay first of all I’d like to stretch. I’m gonna do some stretching. I’ll just stretch my arms like this and My legs like news Okay, so now I took this this okay. What are you gonna? Do I’m gonna show you my twerking So I Turn around I turn around I Put my hands on the seat, and I wiggle like that Is that it. Oh yes hang on let me turn around again, yes, okay, so that was fantastic don’t make me laugh, though I can’t make you talking. I love So what are you gonna do for your performance this evening tonight? I’m gonna do some Irish dancing Really naked I I really don’t think this is the chauffeur so when you’re ready the stage is yours It’s just working yeah, I guess give me your you antastic okay, mmm We could go on all night like this yes, you want to yeah, I wouldn’t be great What is your name? My name is Ray? Gesell would you share with us your age, is that ray of meat? I’ve got plenty to share yeah 84 Eighty-four, are you excited to be here. I’ve never performed before judges before I’ve appeared before judge Crane what will you be doing for us today a song I’ve written can’t wait to hear it alrighty. Thank you Thank you sir very good. That’s wonderful Okay and for my second song I’d like to I Met. This girl. She’s just great this girl. I just adore The problem is She has much more than I had bargained for She’s got that style She’s got that smile. She’s got the walk She’s got the tuck She’s got that zing. There’s just one thing she’s got a penis That girlish great speed it’s got pizzazz too bad. She has a penis Failure always some flaw ain’t that what they call? Murphy’s Law but male genitalia, that’s where I draw the line Besides hers is bigger than mine Cuz under that dress she’s got a pee I’m okay with with with my with my voice, but I Still struggle with some some things like leg like I’ve the hardest this time at a drive-thru You know gets busy cuz you got you got to say that and say the order fast, and you’re doing it And you’re talking through an intercom like I don’t know why I I would work there Oh I wouldn’t know I only get you to wear a bib big boss does start to use me mm-hmm my Voice is as the voice of their GPS It’s like it’s like it in in one one thousand thousand thousand feet make make make make a U-turn Jurgis does does the name nation is is either. I have had ahead of you on the arm on on on the right rib Review you told you you you turn yes, you sure he’s the guy I Believe that you get interning and anything and to do positive, that’s why I’m here But I’ve come along some some People who don’t think they think that like I did a show one time work where where a guys do a double it’s like hey you you you can’t just make fun of Disabilities. Yeah, just cuz you you have have woman Now I was like I was like well Then they thank you guys The didn’t You

100 thoughts on “FUNNIEST AUDITIONS EVER ON GOT TALENT

  1. That song that song it's so ugly that I can throw it in the garbage because it's so old I don't like him and awesome Simon he love dogs.

  2. The stuttering comedian made me laugh til i cried. That was one of the funniest acts ive ever seen..and i am a Bill Hicks..George Carlin.Sam kinison fan

  3. "Show Biz; Intl." = Gaudy, skin-&-viewer irritating jewelry on female "judges" on this "Talent" Show?Β  Why do women continue to wear that CRAP!Β  They must be a pain in the ass at every intl. airport security check-point on Earth!Β  It looks TERRIBLE!Β  * R.C. *

  4. Folks, install adblock on your computer or phone and watch youtube all you want without any commericals!

  5. First guy is 53??? Damn, I thought he was gonna say late 60s! He definitely looks 10 or so years older than me and I'm 57

  6. U never had it sooo good and u were just waiting for the right blow your face moment … mike fuck Lund ..!!! Bloody fuckin amazin ..!!!!

  7. Mike your too imature to understand what just blew your mind right out of the bloody holy grail on U and your face ..!!! U loved it sooo much … but u were confused and dayzed for days … wondering waiting acting on a whim of chance and face masks … perfect u mumble to yourself with awe like a crazy asian with Terry Deal a meal … Richard Barnard style with my bow ring … u lil horror thing u .. !!! Your my lil horror mike Lund … Terry .. who cares … studio … u got caught in with Gods Queen … a never ending Worldy discovery scene a time period that frames and tells the true story of the beginning of time in one period … and u were there to capture it … u fuck pussy ..!! God will have u on his Golden platter served sunny side up …!!!!
    Blue balls ..!!! Terry Deal … ???!!!! Lol… expirence the holy grail from God …and his team of angels unto thy …!!! I am …!!!!

  8. U got slimmed with the blood of Gods Queen .. the period story of the beginning of humanity and its true Queen ..!!!

  9. 17:16 Is it just me or do the twins look like the Caveman from the Geiko commercial from years ago? Lol

  10. David Haslehof judging talent is like letting a child decide if they should have ice cream. Also, the way the "judges" respond to the old guy at the start is disgusting. Humans have always been insane, but at least we were smart enough to respect elders. Modern humans are a whole other level of crazy. The "judges" are retarded vile little fucks.

  11. I love Gatis Kandis, he reminds me of Andy's Kaufman's character Latka Gravas, but a real person rather than a character.

  12. If you all loved the last act, his name is drew lynch. He has a YouTube channel, its called Drew Lynch and he has a dog named Stella and they are adorable together

  13. I never knew, was the dog making the noises, or was he just a good at acting like she is.

  14. The guy with the white dog has something in the dogs mouth to open it when he asks a question. How cruel.

  15. Gatis Kandis..πŸ™‚πŸ™‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ’–πŸ’–β€β€πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜

  16. Ih ,those Boots and those pants; THAT'S the perfect ACT for the next emcee for British got talent;
    Hilarious

  17. Can someone please tell me at around 14:50, what was the Latvian comic saying? It sounds like "More?, Very well, but no, your a person". To which, everyone cracks up at. I have no idea what he is saying there and pretty much the whole act.

  18. And the sixth angel poured out his vial upon the great river Euphrates ; and the water there of was dried up , that the way of the Kings of the East might be prepared. And I saw three unclean spirit like frogs come out of the mouth of the beast , and out of the mouth of the false prophet.

  19. Therefore rejoice , ye heavens and ye that dwell in them , Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and the seed .For the devil is came down unto you , having great wrath , because he knoweth that he hath but a short time.

  20. And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him whose names are not written in the book of life of the lamb slain from the foundation of the world.

  21. And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard , and his feet were as the feet of a bear , and his mouth as the mouth of a lion : and the dragon gave him his power and his seat and great authority.

  22. Clever spoof on dancers in various eras. All acts : clever, funny and all ARE Talented. Very difficult to do Stand Up Comedy.

  23. The chap from France was a resident act at the moulin rouge in Paris for years . Funny as hell.

  24. SO, anyone can plagiarize talent shows and make money on ads. But original content of a political nature gets censored, banned or even deleted if they are not insanely Liberal?

    The backlash will be overwhelming. Trump will win with a 75% majority in all three branches. Then the heads will roll with military tribunals for treason. TREASON is punishable with the death penalty. THAT will include the heads of the major, social media outlets. YOU know who you are.

    So I will be banned within minutes of this post.

  25. Iadies and gents you can owe this entire series for the very very very very very low price of free, oops,,,, 99 cents shipping and handling 🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣

  26. I know that Simon is very strict but bring my mom and I think Simon has no chance against her aka (Samoan) were Samoan family

  27. Phillip Green was the funniest dude. I seriously hope though he isn't really like that, all the time. I'd love to meet him.

  28. I'm not sure who's idea these talent shows were. But good job to the producers and the judges. You changed the world. And it's easy to make a buck, it's a lot harder to make a difference. And you definitely made a difference. Thank You

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