Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.WOODY ALLEN For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.JOHNNY
CARSON It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear.
DICK CAVETT The greatest thing in life is to die young — but delay it as long as possible.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.BOB MONKHOUSE A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
LANA TURNER The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.AL MCGUIRE Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.ANONYMOUS Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.ANONYMOUS The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
GEORGE JESSEL America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. ANONYMOUS If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.MUHAMMAD ALI Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.
ANONYMOUS When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.NORM CROSBY The good thing about being a circus clown must be that you never have to worry about how your hair looks.
RENO GOODALE Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
PAULA POUNDSTONE There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.
STEPHEN COLBERT I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
MARK TWAIN The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.GEORGE MILLER At every party, there are two kinds of people–those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
ANN LANDERS Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
RONALD REAGAN Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
CONAN O’BRIEN Facebook and Twitter aren’t the real problems in the office. The real problems are what I like to call the M&Ms, the Managers and the Meetings.
JASON FRIED A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically.T.
H. THOMPSON Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER If you look like your passport photo, you’re too ill to travel.
WILL KOMMEN A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
ROBERT FROST Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.
FRED ASTAIRE I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.JOHNNY CARSON Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
OSCAR WILDE If a man lies to you, don’t get mad; get even. I once dated a guy who waited three months into our relationship before he told me he was married. I said “Hey, don’t worry about it. I used to be a man.” LIVIA SQUIRES I recently turned 60 years old. Practically a third of my life is over.WOODY ALLEN I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say, “Because it’s such a beautiful animal.” There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
ELLEN DEGENERES It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
ERICA JONG The church is close, but the road is icey. The tavern is far, but I will walk carefully.
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