(festive holiday music) – Turn this crap off. Can’t hear myself think. – Sorry, it helps keep me focused. – If you’re really
nervous about a B and E, you’re never gonna be a real stick-up man. – Why not? – You’re nervous, you
laugh when you’re angry, and you don’t talk black. – Whoa, talk black, what’s talk black? – You know, ghetto, ebonics,
(speaking in foreign language) scares people with money a lot more than your actual skin color. – Okay, that’s completely
messed up and totally racist. – Yeah, it is. (festive holiday music) – Went great. – Well, I’ve officially
decided your mother pronounces my name wrong on purpose. – She’s just teasing you. That’s how she shows she likes you. – Really? – No. – Oh great, and now my
dad wants us there by 10 instead of 11:30. I quit. I can’t cook at 6:00AM
on Christmas morning. – Hey, it’s Christmas time, okay? We’re together, that’s all that matters. That and that I love you.
(light string music) – That almost worked.
– Damn it! – Let’s just go buy some cocaine and throw the tree in a dumpster. – Alright, alright. I’ve been saving this for
just such an occasion. I am turning on the meditation app. – Oh, no, no, no, not
the creepy British guy. – Hey, helped you quit smoking. – I used to smoke? – Alright, so they have this whole program about, that just deals
specifically with holiday anxiety. Alright? Turn off the lights and get comfortable. I’m saving Christmas. ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year ♪ – So which one of these houses is it? – Well, I wrote it on my hand but I sneezed on it. It’s gotta be this one up here, the only one with the lights out. Let’s go. – The things I do for Christmas money! – Things I do to hurt people! – [Meditation Instructor]
As your breathing continues, concentrate on how your body
feels at points of contact with your seat. Many people find the holidays stressful, even though they are
for joy and merriment. I’m going to help those
feelings flow away. Concentrating on your breathing, your breathing is key,
let go of the hustle of purchasing presents. Let go of your in-laws’ expectations, your aunt’s worthless children. Just breathe and relax, feeling the weight of your
body against your seat. Gingerbread man, eggnog, Santa Claus, no lines at the store,
no big meals to cook, no handsy uncles you
have to keep an eye on. (dramatic theatrical music) – Stay cool. Gather up the goods, in and out before these suckers get home from their vacation. – Wait a minute. Are we gonna ruin somebody’s Christmas? – I don’t know, my mom’s a heeb. – A heeb? What’s up with all the
swastikas and stuff then? – I’m complicated. Let’s go! – [Meditation Instructor]
Breathe and release. My cousin Richard will probably have yet another promotion from his job, but at least I can call
him Dick in public. Focus on how your body feels.
(door banging) That’s good, that’s good. – Alright, everybody shut the fuck up! – What the hell? – Remember my boy’s
comment, always be prepared. – [Robber] I’m outta here, man. – What the fuck? I need your help.
– No. Been in this long enough to know there’s two kinds of crimes:
the ones where the guys get away with it, and
the ones with witnesses. – Alright, be cool. Give me your phones. – Look, what do you want? – Thing’s wavy, baby. Stay gravy, I just want your cheddar, bae. – Who are you calling bae?
– Whatever you want. (groaning)
– Are you okay? – Yeah, yeah. For shizzle, my nizzle. – Do you wanna sit down? (breathing heavily)
– Yeah. – What’s going on? – It’s my stomach, it hurts really badly. – Did you eat something weird? – No. – Are you lactose intolerant? (groaning)
– What? No, just, just sit down! I just want all you–
(screaming) – Maybe I should call an ambulance. – What? No! Don’t call no ambulance on me! Just shut up, okay? – Is it like right here? Like, is it like above your stomach? – Yeah. – Maybe it’s food poisoning. – I haven’t eaten anything today. Just shut up, shorty, I need to think! – You know, I bet it’s your diet. Do you eat a lot of red meat? – What part of shut up
shorty don’t you get? – Some of it? (groaning) – Fuck, oh! God damn it! (groaning) (dramatic string music) – Gall bladder! – What? – It’s a gall bladder attack. – Gimme that phone. You try to call the police on me? – That’s what I should have done. ♪ O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree ♪ ♪ How lovely are thy branches ♪ ♪ O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree ♪ ♪ How lovely are thy branches ♪ (“O Christmas Tree”) ♪ O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree ♪ ♪ How lovely are thy branches ♪