Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine


I WANT TO APOLOGIZE UP TOP
FOR LOOKING LIKE AN INDIAN ELLEN DEGENERES. [laughter] GUYS, I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.
WE ALL LIVE IN LOS ANGELES. AND IT IS A DELIGHT! SOME OF MY FRIENDS
HAVE BEEN MOVING TO L.A. THE ONE PERSON THAT’S DOING
REALLY, REALLY WELL IS MY FRIEND KYLIE. AND SHE’S, LIKE,
SUPER, SUPER HOT. LIKE, WAY–
LIKE, SHE’S A DISTRACTION. AND SHE GETS THE JOB IN L.A. THAT ALL REALLY,
REALLY HOT GIRLS GET. SHE WORKS AT A NIGHTCLUB, WHICH, I DON’T KNOW
IF YOU GUYS KNOW, BASICALLY,
WHAT THAT JOB ENTAILS IS YOU BE SUPER HOT,
WEAR A LOW-CUT SHIRT, AND MAKE MORE THAN AN ENGINEER
IN ONE NIGHT. SHE SHOWED ME
ONE OF THE RECEIPTS. TWO DUDES SPENT $10,000
ON BOTTLES. AND I NEVER GO TO CLUBS
SO I WAS, LIKE, “SO WHAT WERE THEY
CELEBRATING? “WAS IT–WAS IT SOME SORT
OF ANNIVERSARY? AQUINCEANERA,PERHAPS,
HUH?” AND SHE WAS LIKE,
“NO, YOU IDIOT. “THEY’RE BALLERS,
IT’S A TUESDAY. THAT’S WHAT THEY DO.” AND I WAS, LIKE,
WE HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME TRYING TO RAISE MONEY
IN THIS COUNTRY. EVERY TIME A DISASTER HAPPENS,
WE HAVE TO PUT TOGETHER SOME SHITTY CONCERT WHERE
SOME TERRIBLE BAND YOU HATE RUINS SOME SONG
YOU DO LIKE, AND IT MAKES YOU
LIKE THE TSUNAMI. AND IT’S LIKE, WHY DON’T WE
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THESE DUDES? ‘CAUSE THE ONLY TIME DUDES
ARE JUST GIVING MONEY AWAY EXTEMPORANEOUSLY
IS WHEN THEY’RE BALLERS AND THEY’RE AROUND
HOT CHICKS. AND I, FOR ONE,
WOULD LIKE TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I WALK INTO A BAR,
AND AS I’M BEING KICKED OUT FOR WEARING A FANNY PACK, I SEE THREE DUDES
UP IN THE MEZZANINE, AND THEY’RE LIKE,
“HEY, YO, “LET ME GET EIGHT BOTTLES
OF CIROC “AND $10,000
TO AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL. SHAKE THAT ASS, BITCH!” AND THERE’S JUST A GIRL
JUST, LIKE… [moaning, groaning] “YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON. POUR YOUR HUMANITARIANISM
ON ME.” SO I’VE BEEN DATING THIS GIRL
FOR A COUPLE MONTHS NOW. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE EVER HAD
THE UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT OF MEETING YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S
FRIENDS FOR THE FIRST TIME. THEY FEEL LIKE THEY DISCOVERED
THE DA VINCI CODE. THEY COME UP TO YOU,
THEY’RE LIKE, “OH…
SO YOU’RE DATING SUSAN. “OK. WOW.
YOU SEE, THIS IS THE GUY. WOW. HERE WE GO.” THAT’S FINE. I DON’T THINK WE’RE DATING
BASED OFF OF TIME. WE’RE REALLY DATING
AS A UNIT WHEN I CAN’T AFFORD
TO BUY YOU DINNER ANYMORE. THAT’S WHEN
WE’RE REALLY DATING. BECAUSE WHAT IS IT
UP UNTIL THEN? IT’S JUST TWO PEOPLE
HANGING OUT, AND THEN ONE PERSON’S
LOSING ALL OF HIS SAVINGS. THAT’S ALL IT IS.
[cheers and applause] WE’RE REALLY DATING WHEN
WE HAVE TO SIT IN MY APARTMENT AND THEN YOU TELL ME IDEAS
ON WHAT YOU WANT TO DO TONIGHT AND THEN I SAY NO
TO ALL OF THEM. AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, THAT’S WHY GIRLS
DON’T DATE POOR GUYS. IT GETS TOO REAL
TOO QUICKLY. COUPONS ON THE FIRST DATE?
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. YOU KNOW WHY?
IT RUINS THE ONE THING ALL GIRLS LIKE:
SPONTANEOUS. GIRLS LOVE SPONTANEOUS! AND THE SAD PART IS WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING
SPONTANEOUS TO HAPPEN, THEY DON’T EVEN WANT IT
FOR THE EXPERIENCE THAT WE’RE HAVING AS A COUPLE,
THEY JUST WANT IT SO THEY COULD
HAVE A BETTER STORY THAN THEIR FUCKING FRIENDS. SO THEY’LL JUST BE
HANGING OUT AT BRUNCH OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, AND THE GIRL THAT KNOWS
SHE HAS A GOOD STORY IS LIKE–SHE KNOWS. SHE’S TELLING EVERYONE
TO SHUT UP. YOU KNOW, SHE’S LIKE, “NANCY, PUT–
PUT YOUR MENU DOWN. “SUSAN, PUT YOUR
MIMOSA DOWN, ‘KAY? “THIS STORY’S GONNA
EXPLODE YOUR BRAINS, ‘KAY? “SO I’VE BEEN DATING MIKE FOR,
LIKE, TWO WEEKS, RIGHT? “HE TELLS ME, ‘LET’S GO
TO THE GROCERY STORE.’ “I SAY, ‘WAIT, LET ME PUT ON
MY YOGA PANTS,’ OKAY? “WE GET IN THE CAR, WE DON’T
GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. “WE GO TO
SANTA MONICA AIRPORT, “GET ON A TINY BIPLANE, GO TO WINE COUNTRY,
RIDE HORSES.” SPONTANEOUS! NOW, AT THIS POINT,
EVERY OTHER GIRL AT THIS TABLE– THEIR BRAIN HAS EXPLODED. THEY’RE JUST LIKE,
“AAH! GOD DAMN IT! SO SPONTANEOUS!” THEY’RE, LIKE,
PUSHING EACH OTHER, THROWING CREPES
IN THE AIR. IT’S MADNESS. THE WORST PART ABOUT THAT
IS ALL THE GIRLS WHO DID NOT HAVE THAT SPONTANEOUS THING
HAPPEN TO THEM– THEY ALL LEAVE,
BUT NOW WITH THIS AMMUNITION FOR A FIGHT
WITH THEIR BOYFRIEND WHO DOES NOT EVEN KNOW
THIS EXISTS. SO THERE’S JUST A GUY
LIKE ME, JUST AT HOME. AND MY GIRLFRIEND COMES IN,
I’M LIKE, [tiny voice]
“HEY, HONEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?” “HOW AM I DOING? I’M NOT IN A FUCKING BIPLANE,
IS HOW I’M DOING!”

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