Laughter is the Best Medicine

Iain Stirling – Comedy Up Late 2017 (S5, E8)

Welcome to the stage, all the way from Scotland, Iain Sterling Yeah. Melbourne, how the f*ck are we? I’m going to warn you now, this is quite the gear change Should have brought my f*cking kilt with me. Nightmare Nice to be here. My name’s Iain, I am from Scotland. If you wonder what being Scottish is like It’s like being English, but the rest of the world don’t hate ya. That’s kind of what it is We done nothing wrong It’s nice to be in Melbourne, man. Been here three days, I love it man I knew I was going to love it the minute I got, the minute I got off the plane and I hit customs Customs is meant to be the most stressful place in the world I get to this country, some guy comes up to me ‘Have you got any fruit?’ I thought he was f*cking joking. Fruit? Fruit? I thought it was a euphemism. Do ya mean bomb, big man? What’s going on here? I realise he meant actual fruit. I was like dude, chill out. I’m from Scotland We hate fruit more than you do We hate it The bible would have ended so differently if Adam and Eve had’ve been Scottish Just picture the scene Adam runs over. ‘Eve, please don’t you say you ate the forbidden fruit And banished us from this paradise’ Eve would be like, ‘F*ck that, I ate the snake’ I deep fried that lying bastard It’s nice to be in Australia. I get away from my friends man. I’m getting older, that’s my news My life hasn’t changed in any shape or form in 10 years But I know I’m getting older coz all my mates are gettin married and havin babies It’s a weird one for me, don’t know if it’s my age but I met all my friends at University So I met them when I was like 17, 18 So I’ve got this image of them as 17, 18 year olds like engraved in the back of my head No matter how grown up they get I just can’t get that image. I don’t know if you get that? I’ll give you an example. My mate Emma, I went to her house for a dinner party. What the? What have I become? Dinner party I know, it was so boring. We shared a bottle of wine. It was a nightmare, anyway Do you know when you share a wine with someone that doesn’t drink wine quick enough? I’m gonna have to just sit here holding this wine Emma stands up. Fully grown adult now She goes ‘Guys, do you know what? We live outside London now But the transport links into London are absolutely fantastic and with mine and Craig’s couples travel card We are saving real money which we’re hoping to reinvest into capital and the company I’m at at the minute, it’s not where I want to be forever but I feel there’s a real ability to diversify within that company We’ve got international offices. I can travel with work.’ I’m going, I remember when you got f*ngered in a park You were dressed like Pocahontas, Emma. Don’t pretend that didn’t happen I don’t want to get angry about it, but like it’s a nightmare I don’t know if you get the same as me, but when my mates get married and have babies What happens to me is outwardly I’m so happy I’m so, I’m so proud of them, but like deep down inside I’m like, why have you done that to me? We can’t drink on a Tuesday anymore and your happiness is to blame Every day, ‘Iain, I think I’ve found the one.’ Well I’ve got two tequilas so leave her. That’s where I’m at My best mate in the world, a guy called Luke He recently had a baby, and I’m not even joking you, I think he likes that baby More than he likes me He’s known that kid for a month We’ve been friends for ten years. It could be a pr*ck. We don’t even know yet The baby could be an a**hole. I’m just saying It could be, it’s never expressed a view It hasn’t. It could be a racist, baby. We don’t know We don’t know Yesterday my friend Jason held the baby. Jason’s black the baby started crying We don’t know why that happened? I don’t want to be a d*ck about it, but he brought, he brought it to my flat He brought his racist a**hole baby Little Trump came round to gaff His little Donald trump hair cut, bellowing in the wind And if you’ve got a baby, stop doing this. He gets to my house, he just gives me his baby Just hands me it. A baby. A heart in a bag The most fragile thing he owns. There you go have that I’m holding this baby going you don’t trust me with your IPhone password, what do you do with this thing? I’m holding his creepy baby It’s like whispering things about the Jews I’m on to you, baby. I’m holding his baby, and there was a bit of my head just thinking I could (squishing sound) Well I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. Don’t pull back Melbourne. I’m not gonna It’s my Australian television debut, go with me. I’m just (squish sound) there you go, have your baby back Let’s go to the pub. You’ve got a lot more free time on your hands You’re gonna get a nice sleep. I’ve done you a favour if anything He isn’t gonna finish on that, is he? I’ve been Iain Sterling. You have been a genuine delight Thank you (Voice Over) That was Iain Sterling

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