♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -[As Donald Trump]
Thank me. Thank me. Welcome back to
“Impeachment After Dark Live,” the only TV show
that’s being sued by six federal judges
and all 12 Vanderpumps. [ Laughter ] it’s fantastic, folks. Now, I cancelled
my press conference today so I could be here to recap
the deranged details of the latest Democrat hoax. But, first, I’m very excited
about this, folks. Very excited.
[ Laughter ] With the impeachment hearings
heating up, I had to flee — sorry — fly to England.
[ Laughter ] Which means we’re coming to you
live from the “Uk.” [ Laughter ] Now, it turns out,
I love it in the Uk, folks. [ Laughter ] Everything here is opposite,
which means there is — This is a football.
[ Light laughter ] These are chips. And this is Rudy Giuliani.
Just kidding. [ Laughter ]
Just kidding. I know that’s the Pope.
[ Laughter ] But, wait, just when you thought
it couldn’t get any better, I have a very special
guest bartender tonight. He’s my brother
from another mother, my blond from across the Pond. Give it up for Prime Minister
Boris Johnson, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] -[As Boris Johnson] It’s
a pleasure to be here, Donald. I mean, look at us. We’re like a before and after
photo, but we’re both the before. [ Laughter ] -But, alright,
let’s get it to it, folks. It’s time for
the boring yawnfest of the impeachment hearings,
led by a man who is 90% pants — Jerry Nadler.
[ Laughter ] And talk about all the snooze,
all the committee did today was throw around big words without telling you
what they mean. Or at least,
what I want them to mean. Take a look.
-He defines “bribery” as the crime of giving or taking
rewards for bad practices. -It might not fit
today’s definition of bribery, but it would fit the definition
back in the 18th century. [ Laughter ] -Very confusing.
Very, very confusing. Almost nasty.
[ Laughter ] Very confusing, almost nasty. Let me just explain to you the most important word
in the hearings, and my least favorite
Harry Potter spell — “quid pro quo.” [ Laughter ] Let’s break it down. “Quid” as in,
“Quid asking about it.” [ Laughter ] “Pro” as in,
“It’s pro-ably nothing.” [ Laughter ] And “quo” as in,
“Don’t quote me on this, but if you give us
dirt on Biden, we will give you $400 million.” There — “Quid pro quo.” [ Cheers and applause ] Now, unfortunately, not everyone
agrees with my definition. And things got a little dicey
for the Donald when this one law professor
testified. Check this out. -Did President Trump commit the impeachable high crime and
misdemeanor of abuse of power? -The president did commit
an impeachable abuse of office. -Ooh, I’m gonna cyberbully
that nerd so hard. [ Laughter ] Watch out, Professor Plum, ’cause it’s gonna be Donald
trump in the bathroom with the Twitter. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Well, that’s
all the time we have. Boris, any last thoughts? -None at all, Donald. I suppose what happens next
is a mystery, sort of like how I was raised
by just my mother, who gave me this gold locket. -Oh, my gosh. You’re not gonna believe this, but I was raised
by just my nanny and she gave me
this gold locket. [ Laughter ] -We’ve been parent-tapped.
[ Laughter ] -This is huge, folks.
We’ve got to look into this. But, first, [Normal voice] “The
Tonight Show” starts right now.
Let’s do this! Let’s start the show. Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ] -From 30 Rockefeller Plaza,
here in New York City, it’s “The Tonight Show
Starring Jimmy Fallon”! And now, here’s
your host, Jimmy Fallon! -♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ -♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey-ey-ey ♪ ♪♪