Laughter is the Best Medicine

Inhumanwich! | Horror Movie | Full Length Comedy | Free YouTube Films

– [Announcer] This is the
story of an American hero, who became an American monster. In the not-too-distant
future, the United States will make a celebrated return
to capsule-based space travel. Such a mission requires men
of vision, men of strength, men of courage. Within this capsule is one
such man, Joseph Neumann. A good ol’ American Joe. This capsule, along with its pilot, will rocket into space at
speeds of over 70 miles an hour. It will orbit the earth for seven hours, then if all goes according to plan, will return safely to
the planet’s surface. What Joe does not yet know is things will not go according to plan. For Joe Neumann is about to
go into outer space as a man, but he will return as Inhumanwich! (dramatic music) (electronic whirring and warbling) – All right, that’s 20 minutes
into the launch by my count. How’s he doing? – Orbit is holding steady. Good speed, plenty of fuel. He can stay up there for
days if he wanted to. – All right, let’s not
get ahead of ourselves. How’s Joe? – About as healthy as ever. I don’t think I’d have
a heartbeat that steady if I were shot into space
by a rusty slingshot. (phone ringing) – What, right now? All right gentlemen, listen up. We’re about to get a visit from the President of the United States. – Not about to, Ed. You’re getting it right now. Mr. President, Mrs. First Lady, I’d like to introduce you to Ed Farley, the Flight Director of the Argo One. – It’s an honor to meet
you, Mr. President. – Honor’s all mine, Farley. Heck of a place you got here.
– Thank you, thank you. – Good to know our tax
dollars are going to good use. Yes sir indeed, it’s good to know. – Ed, would you care to
give the President a rundown on where we are with
the mission right now? – Absolutely. Say this basketball is the earth, and this rubber ducky dressed as a pirate is the space capsule Argo One. – Okay. – 11:45 a.m., Argo One
launched from Florida, quickly achieving orbit about three miles above earth’s surface. At its current speed and velocity, it will be able to orbit
twice more around the planet, where it’ll land right back
here around 8:00 p.m. tonight. – [The President] And
this Joe Neumann fellow, he’s the one stuck
inside this contraption? – Yes sir, he’s the man for the job. About the damn finest pilot I’ve ever met. – I can’t wait to meet him. – You won’t need to wait Mr. President, it’s time for our 12
o’clock video check-in. – You mean, we get a video signal all the way out into space? – Two-way communication
sir, just like a telephone. – But with pictures? – Yes sir. With pictures. – We’re ready to establish
the video uplink. – All right, patch it through now. Mission Control, Argo One. Mission Control to Argo One. How you doing up there, Joe? – Couldn’t be better. The launch was pretty wild. Nothing quite like riding
a 10-ton Roman Candle to the top of the sky. – Good to hear, and we got
somebody that would like to say a few words. – Hello, Joe. – Why hello, Mr. President. This sure is a big honor. Although I guess I should tell you, I voted for the other guy. Ha ha, I’m just kidding, I don’t vote. (laughing) – Well, just wanted to let you know, all Americans are mighty
proud of what you’re doing. It’s another wonderful
achievement for the US of A. – Gosh Mr. President,
that’s really good to hear. – All right Joe, enough small talk. Let’s test out that
artificial gravity device of Dr. Chang’s. – Artificial gravity? – Uh yes sir, the lack of gravity in space makes it difficult for
astronauts to endure long flights and Dr. Chang here has invented a way we may be able to fix all that. – [Dr. Chang] We’re all set. Whenever you’re ready, switch it on. – Okay, here goes nothing. (electronic whirring and warbling) – All system are holding steady. – Say, this seems to be working just fine. – That’s amazing. How are you doing that, Joe? – I’m afraid I don’t understand all the ins and outs of it myself. I ought to let Dr.
Chang take it from here. He’s the one who designed
this whole getup. – Well, now the whole
thing’s pretty complicated, and I’m no rocket scientist but, the basics go something like this. In order to replicate the complete force of earth’s gravitational pull, we’ve placed a large super-powered
radioactive iron core in the bottom section
of the space capsule. Once activated, the iron
core’s enormous density creates a great amount of force, which it would then use
to fuel a giant vacuum, which sucks everything inside
the capsule down to the floor, approximating earth’s natural gravity. – A vacuum cleaner in space? That’s just what women need, another place where they
have to do housework. (both laughing) – So you said this iron
watchamacallit is radioactive? – Oh yes, extremely radioactive. Probably far, far more
radioactive than it will ever need to be in its
unimaginably long lifespan. But, not to worry, we’ve
taken every measure necessary to ensure the safe handling
of both the iron core and the vat of gallons upon
gallons of nuclear waste produced every minute
during the energy process. Why (chuckles) it would take quite the frightening catastrophe for anything to possibly
go wrong with any of this immeasurably radioactive materials. – And we certainly aren’t expecting any frightening catastrophes
anytime soon, right doc? – [Dr. Chang] Hmm, indeed. – Well, I can see you have
all this under control. Why, only an absolute fool would even dare consider the possibility
of unexpected danger. Let me see that baseball trick again, son. Outstanding! – Sorry to interrupt the
fun, but by my schedule, it’s time for Joe’s lunch break. – All right, that’s enough of the Rollie Fingers routine, Joe. Time for lunch. As long as it’s okay
with you, Mr. President? – Oh, don’t let me get in the way. Astronauts can’t zip around in outer space on an empty stomach. – Let’s see what Lisa
packed for me this time. – Lisa’s his wife, she’s a heck of a cook. – Hot dog! A sloppy joe. – Oh, Lisa makes the best sloppy joes! – I wish I could be in
earth orbit right now. – You said it. – Ooh, I sure do like a good sloppy joe. All-American food. Ground beef, tomato sauce, diced onions. – No onions here, Mr. President. My wife leaves them out,
on account of I’m allergic. I swell up like a balloon
and get very lethargic. It’s like I can’t move at all. – I’m sorry to hear that, son. – Don’t be. Besides, there’s no
real reason for me to be mentioning it at all. – That Lisa must be some woman. Not like the ol’ ball and chain over here, if you fellas know what I mean. – Hey Ed, I’m getting some
strange readings on the radar. – Yeah, me too. What do you make of this? – That can’t be. – It goes against all of our calculations. – [Mr. President] What is it? What am I looking at? – Meteors! – Meteors? – Meteors, Mr. President. Chunks of rock flying around in space, ranging in size from a
baked potato all the way to, oh say, Wisconsin. Oftentimes, these meteors get
pulled in by earth’s gravity but they burn up while passing
through the atmosphere and land without causing
any significant damage. But the Argo One is flying
above the earth’s atmosphere, where they retain their full
size and destructive power. – Just how many of these
meteors are we talking about? – Thousands, maybe millions. An entire meteor shower raining
down over the Indian Ocean. This wasn’t scheduled to happen until, oh, yeah, right. All right, hey Joe, lunch is over. I need you buckled in and
ready for some trick maneuvers. You’ll need to boost thrusters by 18%, and steer three degrees to your left. Wait… Yeah, that’s right, your left. – We’ve got more to worry about. I’m getting an excessive
amount of radiation from the Argo One’s external sensors. – The Hemmler Field! – At this time of day? But how? – What’s the Hemmler Field? – An intense mass of
deadly omega particles sort of locked in space, captured
by earth’s magnetic field, hovering high above the atmosphere, right about where the
Argo One is in orbit. Usually quite harmless
but, a few years ago, Dr. Heinz Hemmler discovered
that certain sections of the particle field
could overload and become all too dangerous during
certain times of night. – But it’s not night. We specifically planned this
to be a daytime mission. – But we forgot. You see, in America, it’s daytime, but on the other side of
the world, it’s night. (ominous music) – Don’t worry boys, I’ve seen worse. I flew in two wars, and shot down hundreds of enemy fighters, all while dodging artillery
heavier than this. If I can survive all that, I sure as heck can survive a meteor shower and a wall of radiation. – Severe damage to the
artificial gravity unit. The whole system’s ready to overload. (alarm beeping) – Damn it Joe, hold it together up there! – He’s entered the Hemmler Field. – What the? The waste from the core is spilling over. – Shut down the artificial gravity unit. That should contain the leak. – Nothing’s happening. – You’ll have to switch
it off manually, Joe. (alarm beeping) (electricity sparking) (Joe screaming) – That was quite fun. And I sure did learn a lot too. What say we three head on out,
grab some lunch of our own? – That sounds fantastic. You know, the cafeteria here
makes a mean salisbury steak. If we hurry, we can probably grab some before they run out. Ed, fellas, you keep up the good work. – Salisbury steak, yes sir. – I like gravy! (Lisa humming) (phone ringing) – Hello? – Lisa, it’s Ed Farley here. – Well hello, Ed Farley. It’s great to hear your voice. How are things down at Mission Control? – I’ve got some bad news, Lisa. – What? Bad news, what is it? – Are you sitting down? – Am I sitting down? No, why, what’s wrong? – There’s been a terrible accident. – There’s been a terrible accident? Oh no, is it Joe, what happened? – Joe’s ship, it flew through
a radioactive meteor shower, completely destroying
the ship’s computers and causing some kind of malfunction that could have contaminated Joe. Right now, the ship is decaying in orbit, and we highly doubt that he’ll
survive the impending crash. – Joe’s capsule flew through
a radioactive meteor storm and it completely destroyed
the ship’s computers, causing a malfunction that
seems to have contaminated Joe? And his ship is now in a decaying orbit, and you highly doubt he’ll
survive the impending crash? That’s horrible! That’s absolutely horrible! Whatever can I do? – Not much at the moment, I’m afraid. – Not much at the moment? Now you listen, Ed Farley. As the wife of an astronaut, I deserve to be involved somehow. After all, if he dies,
I’m obligated to serve the remainder of his term. – All right Lisa. – What?
– Well listen, Dr. Chang– – What’s that Ed?
– Went down to the cafeteria– – To get some lunch but when–
– You say Dr. Chang has gone – He gets back, we’re gonna–
– Down to the cafeteria – Start the calculations–
– For lunch? – Needed to figure out just–
– So when he returns– – Where Joe is going to come–
– You’ll start the– – Crashing down in some sort–
– Calculations needed– – Of hellish blaze, smashing–
– To figure out where– – Into the earth’s surface–
– Joe’s ship is going to– – At speeds so great–
– Come crashing down in some– – No human being could–
– Hellish blaze, smashing– – Possibly survive, or you–
– Into the earth’s surface– – Could come down to Mission–
– At speeds so great– – Control to wait things out.
– No human being could – With us.
– Possibly survive? And in the meantime,
why don’t I come on down to Mission Control, I can
wait things out there? Is that it, Ed? – Yeah. – Okay, I’ll be right there. – Oh hey Lisa, one more thing. On your way, could you bring– (ominous music) – [Dr. Chang] Man, this
is good salisbury steak. – Hey, what do they got with it, potatoes? – Mashed potatoes, and I got the carrots. – Yeah see, I’m not a
big cooked carrot fan. – That’s just an option, they also have green bean, corn,
and some sort of fruit cup. – Now fruit cup, I could go for. – Not a big fan of the fruit cup. – Really? – Yeah, pineapple, it gets everywhere, everything tastes like pineapple. You know how it is. – I suppose so, but I
really like the pineapple. – Now the fruit cup’s your thing. – Fruit cup’s my thing. – Dr. Chang, we’ve been
monitoring Joe’s radio signal. Uh, wondering if you wanted an update. – Yes, let’s hear it. (Joe screaming) – Hmm, well, that is to be expected. After all, won’t be long
until Joe’s crashing down in some hellish blaze, smashing
into the earth’s surface at speeds so great, no human
being could possibly survive. Now let’s see this map. – Here are those calculations
you requested, doctor. – These are the latest from the Computron? – Yes, doctor. – Hmm, very good. Let’s see. (dramatic music) – Well, I got here as fast as I could. – Well maybe you should try
a little harder next time. – [Lisa] Any word on Joe? – Yeah. Go ahead. (Joe screaming) – Oh, my poor, poor Joe. You can help him, can’t you, Ed? – It’s all up to Dr. Chang at this point. – Yes, that’s it! The Argo One is due to make
landfall right about here. In about five minutes, I’d say. – [Floyd] Well that’s
not too far from here. – Yeah, that’s Old Man Hampton’s farm. I used to go cow-tipping
there when I was a boy. If we take this old back road here, we’ll be there in no time. – I’ll get the medical kit. – What is it? – How recent are these latest readings? – Hot off the presses. – And you’re certain about the accuracy? – Oh, you know the Computron’s
as good as it gets. There’s nothing better on this planet. – Then it’s worse than I thought. The levels of radiation and
other toxins inside the Argo One are, why I’ve never seen
anything quite like it. The numbers are simply, for lack of a better word, astronomical. – Well what does that mean for Joe? – I’m not sure. I’ll be able to say with more certainty once I see the inevitable wreckage. After all, with the Argo One crashing down in some hellish blaze, smashing
into the earth’s surface at speeds so great, no human
being could possibly survive, I’d say a colossal dose
of radioactive materials would probably be the
least of Joe’s concerns. I’d guess that a fiery
demise would be sweet, sweet relief, compared to the unholy agony that would await him
if he were to survive. (Lisa sobbing) (Murray clears throat) But I’m sure he’ll be just fine. – Yeah, yeah. – Let’s go. – Yeah, yeah. – Ooh, I got shotgun. (upbeat gentle music) – [Radio Announcer]
That’s the sort of song that makes you want to get a little closer to someone you love. – Yeah, tell me about it. – [Radio Announcer] Now
here’s a little something for all the lovebirds out there called “Raincoats Are For Sailors”. – Let’s make our own music, baby. (electronic warbling) – Holy cow! – What do you think that was? – I, I don’t know. Something going that fast, packing that much of a wallop, you know, I bet it was
that spaceship that crashed earlier today. The uh, what’s it called? The Argo One. – The Argo One? – The Argo One. It was all over the news, didn’t you hear? Something went haywire
while it was in orbit. The authorities figured it was
bound to come crashing down sooner or later. – That’s terrible. – Yeah but, the astronauts
knew what kind of danger they were getting into. And besides, a rescue team
will be along soon enough. – Oh. – Now, where were we? – Tom, don’t you think we
should go see if we can help? – Oh, I don’t know about that. – But, there could be an
injured man out there. And with these back roads, who
knows how long it would take for help to arrive? – Yeah, but Betty– – Tom, would you sit here and make out rather than help somebody? – Yes? – Get my coat. We’re gonna find that spaceship. – Oh okay but, I might need a
minute before I can stand up. (Betty sighs) – I think I see it. (ominous music) (electricity sparking) – [Tom] Wow. – Do you think anyone
could be alive in there? – I don’t know, only one way to find out. Hey, anyone alive in there? (Joe groaning) Don’t worry, I’m gonna get you out. – Get him out! Hurry up! – Up there, there! – Right. – You’re gonna have to push. – He wouldn’t have to
push if you were stronger. – Dr. Chang, you and I better get out now and make our way to
the crash site on foot. Floyd, Murray, you drive
around a little bit more, see if you can find a
closer place to park. And keep an eye on Lisa. I don’t think she’s
gonna like what we find. – You got it. (ominous music) – You’re almost there, just push! (both screaming) (growling) (screaming) – No! (chuckling) – Oh, oh Bugs Meany, you
are up to your old tricks. But you’re not gonna get
away with it this time. That’s right. Turn to page 110, and see the end. Yep, I was right. (beastly growling) Oh, damn raccoons. (Old Man Hampton grumbling) Okay, who’s out here? (suspenseful music) I can hear you out there. (eerie burbling) Great Santy Claus! (rifle firing) (Old Man Hampton screaming)
(beastly groaning) No, no, no! (monitor clicking) – Oh God, what a mess. – Yeah, there’s no way you could survive an accident like that without
suffering a large amount of horrible mutilation. – You know, I’ve seen a lot
of horrible things in my time in the space industry,
but this takes the cake. Joe has gotta be walking through the pearly gates as we speak. – Or dealing with Ol’ Pitch
downstairs, is more like it. I mean let’s face it, Joe was no saint. You remember that weekend in Tallahassee when we bought all that bad ecstasy– – Oh my God–
– And Joe punched that cop in the face? And then we hired those
triplets for the whole day? He couldn’t walk straight
for a week after that. Then we had to tell his
stupid wife it was a– – [Both] Water ski accident! (both laughing) – God, if I know Joe,
he is walking through the bowels of hell as we speak. (both laughing) (Lisa sobbing) (Murray clears throat) – But I’m sure he’s– – [Floyd And Murray] Fine, fine. – Yeah. (monitor clicking) – Say, what do you make
of this right here? – Hmm, this looks like a skeleton. – Could it be Joe? – Doubtful. This is the remains of a teenage female. Not a full-grown male. – What do you think happened to her? – Hmm, if I were to hazard a guess I’d say this girl was absorbed. – Absorbed? – Yes, see this residue here? This could be traces of, well, mmm. Mmm. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this was a case of
meat being consumed by meat. – Meat? As in the girl’s flesh? What animal could do this to her? – Again, this is mere
speculation at this point but, this was no woodland creature
eating this poor girl to the bone. This was, well I’d like
to take some samples, and get ’em back to the lab. I could be more certain then. – It must be Joe, I just know it. – Well actually, Lisa, Joe’s
body wasn’t in the capsule. We don’t really know what happened to him. – [Lisa] Are you sure? – Not entirely, no. Based on these remains here,
it’s quite possible Joe escaped from the Argo One, only to
meet with a more gruesome fate in these very woods. (Lisa sobbing) Grow a pair. – Is this Joe’s skeleton? – Actually, these are the
remains of a teenage girl. – [Murray] What happened? – [Ed] Dr. Chang says
that she’s been absorbed. – You boys help me gather
up some samples but, be most careful. We don’t want to contaminate
any of the specimens. – Yeah, all right. – You all right? – Dr. Chang seems to have a hunch. And I’d sure like to know
if his hunch and my hunch are the same hunch. Floyd?
– Hmm? – Take Dr. Chang back to the
lab, run some test results. See what you guys figure out. – Right. – Murray, I want you to come with us. These woods can be dangerous. – All right. – Floyd, go get the car. Take Dr. Chang back to the lab. See what you guys can figure
out with these specimens. – Got it. – Murray, you’re coming with us. I could use backup. – All right boss. – Floyd, you and Dr.
Chang go back to the lab, see what you find. And Murray, you’re coming with us. These woods can be dangerous, and I could use the backup. – All right. – Ed, I’d like to come with you too. If Joe is out there somewhere,
he may need my help. – All right Lisa. But Murray, you might want to come too, just in case something goes wrong. – Let’s do this. (Floyd grunting) – These tracks seem to be getting bigger. – Yeah, weird. Got it. – Ha! (Lisa screaming) – Is that Joe? – No, I don’t think that’s Joe. My instincts tell me Joe is still alive. – You don’t think Joe killed those people? – Joe? He may have been an A-hole but, I don’t think Joe’s a killer. There’s no way he could
have done this unless he was really fast and had a lot of knives. – Ed, Lisa, check this out. Trail keeps going this way. – You think you can still do it? Good. Unless he had one of
those electric knives, like at Thanksgiving. – Hey guys, there’s another one. He’s stripped clean, just like the others. – How does he do it? (beastly growling) – Could be raccoons. – Is that you, Joe? (suspenseful music) All right, ready? On three, one, two, three. (ominous music) (Lisa screaming)
(gun firing) It’s no use, run! It’s worse than I thought. – Was that Joe? – What could have turned
Joe into that thing? – That’s for Dr. Chang to figure out, but I’m betting it has something
to do with the accident over the Indian Ocean. – There’s gotta be something I can do. Some way to reason with him. – Lisa, I don’t think that
thing is capable of reason. – That thing is my husband. – Not anymore. Joe Neumann as we knew him doesn’t exist. – There’s gotta be some
way we can fight it. – If bullets don’t work,
I don’t know what can. (gasps) – Look! – Oh, hey!
(gun firing) Listen you! (Murray screaming) – Come on! (beastly growling) – [Both] Keys! – The farmer!
– What? – Lisa don’t go! – All right! (Murray screaming) (Ed chuckling) – Yeah! (engine chugging)
Come on! Come on! Yeah! Go! (tires squealing) (beastly growling) Doctor! Doctor! – Most fascinating. The molecular structure is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. – Dr. Chang. Dr. Chang! – What is it? – We found Joe. – You did, what happened? – I don’t know how to describe it. – Then don’t. – It was horrible. – Too impossible to believe. – Then I won’t. – Let me take a guess. Joe has mutated into a
large, shapeless mass of loose ground beef and various
other ingredients including tomato sauce and various
other spices and seasonings. This mutated mass is capable
of absorbing the flesh of living creatures and, as it does so, continues to grow at a rate
only limited by its appetite. Joe Neumann as we know
him no longer exists. His consciousness replaced
with a simpler brain, one that is not capable of love or hate, good or evil, only hunger. Intense, unsatiable hunger. – How do you know all this? – Science, my dear girl. Science. A thorough analysis of the
samples we took from the crash last night told me
everything there is to know about Joe’s transformation. For instance, while contact
with any part of the meat while it’s connected to the
mutated mass that we call Joe is deadly indeed, any residue
remaining in its wake, disconnected from the
mass as part of a trail, for lack of a better words,
is completely harmless. – Delicious too, which is
funny ’cause it’s usually the onion that give it
that nice, bold flavor, but seeing as Joe’s mutation
didn’t involve any onion, I guess it’s something else in the recipe. – Well, there’s Worcestershire
sauce, that could be it. Or maybe mustard. The recipe does call
for a pinch of mustard. – Could be the mustard. I mean, it tastes great. Not that it matters. I mean, there’s no real logical reason for me saying any of this at all. (chuckles) – This was one of the
few pleasant surprises I uncovered during my efforts
to understand the creature. – Creature? – Yes my dear, creature. We must no longer consider
this entity to be Joe Neumann, American hero. We must strike out all
notions that within this beast lies the heart of a caring husband. We must remained determined
in our belief that there is no hope, no, none at all,
for Joe as a human being. – I won’t believe it. I just won’t. – Hmm, believe what you
will, but this creature must be destroyed at all costs. The fate of the country, nay, the fate of the very world
itself depends on it. – Now wait a minute doctor,
the fate of the world? – Yes. The fate of the world. You see, Joe will continue to grow, not only with every victim he
devours, but with time itself. Let’s see. The transformation started
around 18 hours ago and began taking full effect
during the crash last night. I’d estimate that, by later tonight, the creature’s mass will
have grown large enough to cover a city the size
of, oh, say, Cincinnati. – The Queen City? – Perhaps the whole tri-state area. – You’re telling me this
thing is gonna keep on growing until it can devour Cincinnati? – Oh no, it’s quite worse than that. You see, if the creature
does envelop that city first, and I believe that it will, Cincinnati is the chili
capital of the world. This will ensure that it
ingests an usually high amount of spiced ground beef, thus
accelerating its growth rate. By tomorrow morning, the
creature will have grown large enough to cover the entire Midwest. By tomorrow night, the entire country. By this time next week, the entire planet. – Good God! – Yes. That’s just what the Hebrews thought. – Well I for one am not
gonna just stand around and wait for the world to be destroyed by some mutated astronaut. Get me General Graham. – What in the Sam Hill’s an Argo Eye? – The Argo One, sir. Humanity’s grand return to
capsule-based space travel. Launched into orbit yesterday. Its mission was to run various tests, as to the feasibility of
expanding the Argo Program, the manned voyages to the moon, mars, and one day, the outer planets. – Spaceship, huh? That’s all we need, more
poindexters poking around in outer space. And that money could go to
good ol’ defense right here on planet earth. – Yes sir. – And now that pop bottle crashed and the pilot’s on some sort of rampage? – Yes sir. The craft went through a
heavy field of radiation, which is common enough. That’s why you never saw
John Glenn’s legs on TV after he returned from orbit. The space radiation
turned him into a merman. The Glenn incident aside, most of the mutations have minimal effect, and they’re easily kept under wraps. Uh, Neil Armstrong’s third arm, Jim Lovell’s glow in the dark skin, that sort of thing. This time however, the combination of additional catastrophes exacerbated the mutation, turning this monster into an
unstoppable killing machine. – And now once again, the
brainiacs need Uncle Sam’s Army to get them out of a pickle. – Yes sir. – Well corporal, let’s
go do what we do best. Let’s blow us up a meat monster. (dog barking) (beastly growling) (child screaming) – Looks like Joe’s on the move again. They found three bodies at
a house, 227 Bridge Street. The remains of a dog in the woods. – Oh, that poor dog. – Yeah, and three people. – What a shame to kill a poor,
innocent puppy like that. – And three people. – That poor, poor dog. – Floyd, load the car. A few witnesses said the creature
went back into the woods. We should be able to follow
the trail from there. Get me General Graham. Again. – That was Ed Farley
down in Mission Control. Said there was reports
of a monster sighting over there on Bridge
Street, which is right here. Says that thing leaves a
pretty noticeable trail. I say we follow that
trail as far as it goes, and send that SOB meat
monster right back to hell. – That’s a good plan, sir. – Thanks. (dramatic music) (dramatic military music) – Come on, come on, come on! – Ed Farley, you old so-and-so,
it’s good to see you again. – I just wish it was under
better circumstances, General. – Let me show you what we’re dealing with. – All right. It’s over here? – Just uh, yeah, it’s, you roll, you roll. – One more here, one more. Oh. (mumbling) – Dr. Chang, this is General Graham. Graham, Chang. (monitor clicking) – There’s one more inside,
and another around the back. Not to mention some canine remains we found in the woods back there. – [Lisa] Oh, that poor dog. – All killed the same way. Flesh, tissue, internal
organs, all stripped clean. – So this uh, this thing
really is eating everything in its path? – Mainly animal matter. – Yeah, and bullets
aren’t stopping it either. – Well, we’ll see about that. – Hey guys come here, I
think I found something. All right look, I think I found this guy, he might be a witness,
he said he saw something. This gentlemen here, Mr.– – James Magrish. I live across the
street, right over there. – Yeah, he found the thing. He told me, uh, I’m sorry, how did you describe it? – Well first off, you
should know, I’m no snoop. And I don’t make a habit
of spying on my neighbors. And I certainly don’t sit
in front of the window for 12 hours every day
waiting for the young lady who lives here to, to
put on a white T-shirt and go out and wash her car. And no sir, that’s just not my style to set up a camera at the bedroom window and hoping that, that uh,
someone forgets to uh, close the curtains
before getting undressed. That thought never crossed my mind. Now, I’m no snoop. – Of course you’re not. Now, about the thing that you say you saw? – Hmm? Oh yeah. Well, it’s like a, a, a mass
that gets bigger and bigger. It’s sort of chocolate brown and lumpy. Almost meaty but not
quite pulled pork though. More like uh, chili or uh, uh… – A sloppy joe sandwich? – Yeah, like a sloppy joe sandwich. Anyway, this thing leaps
out the front door and eats a big fellow and, and, ooh, a terrible way to go, I say. Yes sir, a terrible way to go. – Then what? – Well it, it, it uh,
leaps out the front door, eats that big fellow and
crawls off the front porch and right around here and,
well, it’s the darnedest thing. The, the garage door
was closed but, but uh, must have, must have found
a big enough opening because the next thing I know, it
squeezed itself inside. Haven’t seen it since. – We checked around back. There’s a door there, but it’s locked. The only way in and out is the garage. – Well, it’s still gotta be in there. I uh, I watched it all this time, and didn’t see anything leave. – Well thank you very much
for your help, Mr. Magrish. Thank you. – Always want to do what I can. – Looks like we got this thing cornered. What do you think, corporal? – I think we’ll wrap this up quick and be home in time for dinner, sir. – All right, let’s get this door open. – No good, sir. – It’s stuck, sir. – [Ed] Let’s give ’em a hand. (all groaning) (Lisa screaming) – No! No! No! – Oh, I did nothing wrong! (screaming) – Oh my God! Help me! Save me! It’s got my legs! It’s got my legs! – Come on, we got you! (screaming) (gun cocking) – Now we do things my way. – You still got your femur. You still got your femur. – Let him have it, boys. (guns firing) That ought to do it. (groaning) (monitor clicking) – [Ed] Is it dead? – I can’t say for certain. These readings only tell me there’s no living creature inside. – Good enough for me. Let’s open it up. (garage door creaking) – [Ed] It’s gone. – Must have found a way
how to unlock that door from the inside. Very crafty. Lieutenant.
– Yes sir. – That man needs a medic. Help him out. Everyone else, let’s go bag
us a flesh eating mutant. (Floyd sobbing) (suspenseful music) – Get a look at this. With all this mud, I can’t
tell where the trail goes. – Clever, very clever. Lieutenant.
– Yes sir. – How’s your tracking skills? Can you sort out this mess? – I can sir. – By the time we find that trail, the creature could be anywhere. – He might be easier
to find than you think. He’s still hungry. And he’s getting hungrier by the minute. He’ll head somewhere where
there’s a large group of people. And when he does, God help them all. – Nice day for a picnic, Father. – It most certainly is, Harry. It most certainly is. Don’t work yourself too hard. Be sure to come by and get
yourself something to drink when you’re done setting up. – I’m gonna. – Sherry, hello. Beautiful day for a
picnic, wouldn’t you say? – You bet. Care for some punch, Father? – I would love some, thank you. – Hi, Sherry. – Hey, Mitch. You brought your guitar. – Yeah, I thought I might
sing a couple of songs. That is, if Father Corrigan
says it’s all right. – How about it, Father? – Why, I think that’s a terrific idea. I’d love to hear some
of that rock and roll I’ve heard so much about. I might look square,
as you kids would say, but I’d like to think
that I’m still in it. – You mean with it, Father. – Oh right. (all laughing) What was I thinking? – Oh, Father. – Hey everybody, Mitch
is gonna sing a song! (group cheering) – Okay everybody, this
is a very special song I wrote for a very special gal. ♫ A-one, a-two, a-one two three ♫ A-my baby, she’s as cute as she can be ♫ Well my baby, she’s
as cute as she can be ♫ From her eyes to her knees ♫ To her 36C’s ♫ My baby, she’s as cute as she can be ♫ A-my baby, she don’t love no one but me ♫ Well my baby, she
don’t love no one but me ♫ I go over to her place ♫ But I can’t get to second base ♫ A-my baby, she don’t love no one but me – Woo hoo hoo! I have worked up an appetite. – There’s plenty of food up here. Help yourself. – I’m going to. – The ladies have really
outdone themselves this year. – You can say that again, partner. ♫ Her daddy, he doesn’t care for me ♫ No her daddy, he doesn’t care for me ♫ Well I took her to the dance ♫ But I couldn’t get in
her father’s good graces ♫ Her daddy, he don’t care for me – What the? (spitting) – Hang on, Harry! Everything’s gonna be just fine! (beastly growling) Oh, balls. (ominous music) (people screaming) – You hear that? – It’s this way, let’s go! – Get on the horn to headquarters, we’re gonna need some backup. (people screaming) – What is it? – I don’t know. But we better get to safety. You go over there, keep your distance. Okay, when I give the word, you plug this into the shed over there. I’m gonna give that thing a sense of what 120 volts feels like. – You got it. – [Brother] Tell mom I love her! – Sucker! (screaming) (man screaming) – Now, why didn’t that work? (gun firing) – Aw, who taught you how to shoot? You missed it completely. – Mitch! – General I’m telling
you, bullets are useless. – Corporal.
– Yes sir. – How’s your throwing arm? – Top shape, sir. – Let him have it! (grunts) (explosion booming) Grenades don’t kill it. – Maybe not from the outside. It’s time for a little
thing I picked up in Operation Carrot Top. Lieutenant, I want you
to take this pineapple and get inside that creature. Now once you’re inside that creature, you want to pull this little pin here and make it out of there tout de suite. Now I’m not gonna lie to you, son. It’s gonna be pretty dangerous. And you might not make it back. But if you do, they’ll
give you a medal for sure. But I’m gonna tell you right now, we don’t do this kind of
thing for medals, do we? No we don’t, we do this
because we protect our country we’re sworn to protect. Now go out there and show Lady Liberty how much you love her! (whooping and screaming) – Look! – Joe! Joe! Joe? Joe, I know you’re still in there. I know you still remember
what it’s like to be human, what it’s like to love. – Now’s our chance. – I keep telling them, you’re no monster. You’re Joe Neumann, my husband. – She’ll get killed out there. – No, let her talk. I think she’s on to something. – Joe, you remember that vacation we took? When we went to Cleveland? We went to that restaurant
and we saw Tom Hanks and I wanted his autograph, but was afraid I’d be a bother. And you walked me over to
his table and introduced me? And you remember how Tom
Hanks offered you $100 if he could have me for the weekend? And you told him, “No, my
wife’s worth at least $150.” And that’s how we got the money so you could buy me
that fabulous blue dress you say matches my eyes? Don’t you see Joe? You’re not some man-eating mutant that kills everything in
its path without prejudice. You’re Joe Neumann. The kind of guy that wouldn’t
let Tom Hanks molest me for less than $150. – I think she might be getting to him. – Joe, let’s stop all this nonsense. Let Ed and Dr. Chang– (squelching) – Called it. – What do we do now, sir? – Lieutenant, give me that napalm. – Wait, we may not need
your napalm just yet. What was it Joe was saying yesterday? You know, before he turned into an unstoppable killing machine? Something around the
time he was having lunch in low-earth orbit? What was it now? Something uh… Ah, yes, onions! Joe said he was allergic to onions! – Onions, what good is that gonna do? – No, no, no, the doctor’s right! If we can get those onions off that table and maybe get them into the
monster somehow, then we can uh, make the monster all– – He’d get really lethargic
and swell up like a balloon. – Yeah! – Yeah, but that thing’s enormous. Those are just a few small onions. – It may not be enough to kill it perhaps, but it will be enough to slow it down, long enough for us to make our escape. – Lieutenant, never mind the boom juice. What you need to do is create a diversion. Get the onions off that table. Lieutenant, quiet as a
mouse, off the table. (suspenseful music) (all shouting) (phone ringing) – Hey baby? Hey, what’s up? Oh, not much. Hey, but here’s the plan. Um, you put on your hot granny panties, I’m gonna get some Smirnoff Ices, I’m gonna pick up a copy of
The Notebook, Talladega Nights, you know, a little love, a little laughs, and uh, you know, we’ll see
what happens, all right? (beastly growling) Baby, I’m gonna have to hit you back. Toodles. (ominous music) – Looks like that little
maneuver of yours worked out. – Yeah, how long do you think
it’s gonna stay like that? – Not long I’m afraid. Hey, hey, Chang! – What’s that crazy fool think he’s doing? – I needed a sample of living tissue. The previous sample was from dead cells, and I just couldn’t get a
thorough analysis of it but, but this, this will tell me
everything I need to know about the creature. – Is it safe? – In its current state, yes. And if we can get it
back to the lab in time, I can contain it with
some onions I keep on hand for just such an emergency. – But we’ve got to hurry. – Yes. We’ve gotta get this back to the lab. – Right. – Yeah, come on.
– Okay. Okay. Oh. Okay. – Excellent. Yeah, yeah, I see it now. Just keep an eye out and uh, let me know when that
thing starts moving again. Flyboys came through. They got a helicopter
in the air right now. That thing as so much as sneezes,
we’ll be able to track it. – Why would a giant meat monster sneeze? – Where do you think it’ll head to next? – So far, it’s followed
a fairly straight path. I plotted its movement on this map here. Based on my estimations, the creature’s headed
right for Cincinnati. – [Ed] The Queen City? – The very same. These onions won’t hold him for long and once he regains full strength, he’ll be in downtown in a matter of hours. – Great Scott! Hundreds of lives could be at risk! – You heard the man, corporal. We gotta get this doc back to the lab. Step on it. – Mayor Van Horn, it’s a genuine privilege to be here in Cincinnati,
or as you call it, The Queen City. – Thank you, Mr. President. It’s an honor to have you visit our city. – Okay folks, I think
that’s quite enough pictures for right now. The mayor and the President
have quite a lot of business to discuss. In about an hour, the President
will be making his way down to the chili factory for a tour, and then he’ll be making a
stop by the Pete Rose Memorial. And there’ll be plenty of
time for pictures there. In the meantime, if I could
have you wait downstairs, my assistant will be handing
out press kits to you. Thank you. – Honey, why don’t you wait outside too? Us men have some business to discuss. – Come on ma’am. There’s quite a lot to see in this city, and I think we have
enough time to fit it in. I’ll take you to see the
house where George Clooney lost his virginity. It’s on the National Register
of Historical Places. – Oh, Batman! – Damn it Mike. What are we going to do about
these poll numbers of yours? If you’re serious about making a run for the Senate in November, you’ve got to get these
numbers up, and fast. – Well, if you’d ever
get around to sending me that federal money–
– Mike, you know its not that easy. I’ve got… – Sorry to bother you
Mr. Mayor, Mr. President. Mr. Mayor, I have a General
Graham on the phone. He says it’s very urgent. Something about a vicious,
unstoppable mutant hell beast from outer space laying waste to all that dare cross its path. Now it’s heading straight for the city, and the Army will need to
start putting up barricades as quickly as possible, although he’s not really
sure if that’ll do any good considering the creature’s massive size and endless hunger for human flesh. Line two. – Well. (sighs) I better mosey on out
if I’m gonna make it to the chili factory by five. It’s nice talking with you again, Mike. You remember what I said
about those poll numbers. – General, Mayor Van Horn. What’s this about an
unstoppable mutant hell beast from outer space? (dramatic music) – Good for nothing politician. The mayor says he’ll evacuate the city but he won’t make it mandatory. ‘Cause if we’re wrong, it’s gonna hurt him in
the upcoming elections. So whatever we do, we’ve gotta do it before that thing reaches the city limits. What’s the update on its movement? – Helicopter pilot says
it’s back up to full speed. And moving along this path, pretty much in a straight, going with the contours of the land, never more than a half
mile in either direction. – Our only chance for a
barricade is right here. Corporal!
– Yes sir. Okay, that barricade’s going up. – How’s it coming along, Dr. Chang? – There’s something about this sample I just can’t quite figure out. I’m gonna need more time. – Time is something we don’t have, doc. – He’s right. What’s say we get down to that barricade? Doctor, as soon as you figure out a way to stop this thing permanently,
you let us know. (dramatic military music) Right. I got more bad news. ‘Cause of the President’s visit, the chili factory’s doubled output today for a better photo op. – Dr. Chang said the
city’s normal chili output will cause the creature’s
growth to accelerate. – Yeah, and double the chili
means double its fast growth. This creature’s not gonna be
able to devour the country by tomorrow evening, it’s gonna be able to devour the country by tomorrow afternoon. (dramatic music) – Who’s in charge here? You? You General Graham? – You must be Van Horn. – That’s Mr. Mayor to you. You want to tell me
what this is all about? I have constituents calling
me up, telling me there’s a military raid going on
in their neighborhood. – Well Mr. Mayor, if you want
us to pack up and go home, that’s fine. But I hope you have some powerful weapons in that fancy car of yours. Because coming down
this very road right now is a monster the likes of which you can’t even begin to imagine. And down that road is the chili factory. Now I don’t know much about science, but this fella here, here’s from Space Command,
as in scientific expert. And he says if that monster
eats that chili factory, well, you won’t have anyone calling you. You’re not gonna have a city to run. Do you really want that
on your conscience? – I still say you’re overreacting. A mutated meat monster from outer space? That’s absurd! – You wanna take that chance? – I’m going back to my office. I’ll keep the evacuation
in effect, for now. But if this is a hoax, I’m
pinning the blame on you. (General Graham sighs) Let’s roll, Bitterman. (explosion booming) – Gah! Damn it! Which one of you greenhorns did that? Like I said before,
this end’s for loading, this end’s for firing. – Is it me, or is this sample
replicating even faster? – It’s almost back to
its original growth rate. Has this sample been
treated with the onions? – Yeah, four times the amount. I keep having to add more. – It’s building up a
resistance to the allergen. – So if we keep forcing
the creature to eat onions, it’s just gonna build up a
bigger and bigger tolerance? – This sample’s been
treated with onions once. A second dosing will still slow it down, giving us the advantage, allowing us to hold it for
about 15, maybe 20 minutes, if we’re lucky, but it won’t kill it. (dramatic music) – It’s too quiet. – Yeah. Too, too quiet. – The doc says to save all the onions. Don’t toss any until he
gives the word, okay? – Hope you trust that crazy doc… Sweet Georgia Brown. – [Ed] Oh my God. It won’t be long until the
thing’s right on top of us. (sighs) – I hope that doctor can work fast. All right men, fire at will! (guns firing) – Ugh, it’s no use. Everything we’ve tried has failed! – Don’t give in yet, my boy. – I’m not giving in, it’s just, we’ve been at this all day, and we’re still stuck on square one. And honestly, I’m stumped. I’ve been stumped all day. I just wish someone would
throw us a bone, you know? Give us a leg up. Just let us hit the ground running and put our best foot forward. (sighs) I miss my legs. (guns firing) – Still no call from Dr. Chang, eh? – I’m sure he’s gonna come through. – Frankly, I can’t take that chance. Corporal.
– Yes sir. – Patch me through to the Air Force Base. – Yes sir. – You see, while Dr. Chang
wastes time with his experiments, I’m losing men. Not to mention there’s
millions that lost their lives getting wiped out by that thing. – Mmm, you should really
eat something, doctor. Keep your strength up. – In a while. First I’d like to, aha! Here! Take a look at this, hmm? – Do you see these stars? These stars say I’m a General
of the United States Army. I’m sworn to defend my country. Any which way I can. The whole country, and that
includes the damn Queen City. – It’s no longer stable, what did you do? – I dosed it with a
strong acidic solution of sodium chloride and
potassium chloride mixed with hydrochloric acid and the pepcid enzyme. Here, take a look at this. – I can’t run around
fighting these damn monsters! – What are you talking about? – I am authorized to
deploy the nation’s full atomic weaponry. – You don’t mean? – Yes I do. I’ll nuke Cincinnati right off the map. – Looks like it’s barely
moving and very sluggish. It’s still a little bit active though. – That’s the reaction to the onions. Now here’s the acid solution. – It’s breaking apart, and quickly too. Doctor, I think you’ve done it! – No, not quite yet. It would take hours, no, days to create the amount
of solution necessary to destroy the creature
at its current size, let alone the size
it’ll be in a few hours. And by then, it will be too late. – Oh, that’s not chili. – I won’t like it. Hell, I’ll probably feel
pretty lousy about it for a couple of minutes. You don’t think about all those people that don’t get to see who wins
the Latin Grammys this year. Ed, I think about those other people in all those other
cities that do get to see the Latin Grammys this year. And I gotta protect them too. – You’re right. You make the call, but
you give me five minutes to see if Dr. Chang can figure out a way to stop this creature without
destroying The Queen City. – Five minutes. – Five minutes is all I need. – For your sake, I hope
to God you’re right. – I hope so too. I hope so too. – What do I do, what
do I do, what do I do? (whimpering) – Nothing.
– What? What do you mean, nothing? – Like I said, nothing. Wait, no, not nothing. This. – What?
Here, eat this. – Are you crazy? – Trust me! (groaning) – I’m okay. Why, why am I okay? – Stomach acids, my boy. Stomach acids. The solution in that beaker is the same chemical makeup
of the solution of the acid– – In my stomach! – Precisely. (chuckles) – So, we can just eat the monster? – Not quite. You see, if you were too
close to bite into it, it would be close enough to bite into you. – But what if we made it more lethargic? Maybe by an allergic reaction? – Now you’re thinkin’. (guns firing) – Yeah doc, about 52 feet in
diameter, and 13 feet high. – And how many onions do you have? – Five pounds even. – Five pounds. – I’ll explain more once I
get down there but for now, listen to me very carefully. (guns firing) – Got it. – So what’d he say? – He said once we feed
the creature the onions, it’ll be paralyzed for 18 minutes, and it’ll be safe to eat
at that point in time. – That much food in only 18 minutes? That’s impossible. (sighs) A person like that would have
to be a competitive eater. – That’s perfect! A competitive eater
could eat this thing in easily 18 minutes, and have
plenty of time to spare. – Corporal!
– Way ahead of you sir. I’m patched through to the Pentagon. They’re checking the files
but it’s not looking good, ’cause apparently, not too
many competitive eaters bother to register with the
government, and the ones that do don’t update their contact
information often enough. – What good’s a competitive eater database if it’s not comprehensive and up to date? Stay on the line and keep trying. – Yes sir. – I got an idea, wait here guys. – Hey! (guns firing) – Dr. Chang, you’re just in time. – What’s going on here? – I’m gonna see if there’s
a competitive eater in the crowd. – You mean you haven’t found one yet? – No but I mean, this many people, there’s just gotta be someone. – All right, good luck, I’ll
let the General know I’m here. – All right, thank you. (Floyd groans) Excuse me. I think we’ve figured out
a way to stop the creature and save this city but to do that, we need a competitive eater. Even if you haven’t
competed professionally or, you were a competitive eater on a high school team or something. Anyone? Anybody, please. The fate of this city, the fate of the world depends upon it. Just please, help us. – I can do it. – Bert, no! – No honey, it’s all right. Bert Stevens. I can eat this thing. – You’re a competitive eater? – I used to be. That was a long time ago. I was the best of the best. World champion. I had it all. Money, fame, women. But it all came crashing
down one July afternoon. Hooters was sponsoring
a buffalo wing contest. It started like any normal wing contest. But then… Well, all these years later, I’ve never forgiven myself
for what happened next. But if the fate of the world
depends on it, I can do this. – Come with me. (guns firing) – Bert Stevens, Alison Stevens, this is General Graham and Dr. Chang. Bert Stevens was a big
competitive eating champion. – Pleasure to meet you. – So you’re the one who’s
gonna try to save our necks? – I’ll certainly try. – You’re brave, but
you’re also no-nonsense. I like that. It doesn’t change the fact
that you’re going out there before we can get that
creature under control. You sure you want to take that risk? – I’m sure. – Bert, no! – [Bert] No honey, it’s all right. (Floyd groaning) – Floyd. – Hold on. You don’t know what that
thing will do out there. – Look, I appreciate the concern, but I have to know what
kind of sloppy joe that is if I’m gonna deal with a
mountain of meat that size. There’s over 750 recipes for sloppy joe in the United States alone. You go worldwide, that number triples. I mean, there’s like 218 in Finland alone. Each one has its own unique
flavor, texture, density. I’m telling ya, something
could go seriously wrong if I got into this thing blind. Yeah I mean, I know what’s at stake. And I know what that thing can
do to me if I get too close. And to be honest, I just
one of those poop farts and my drawers feel
kind of funny right now. But if you want me to do what
I was brought over here to do, then mister, I’ve gotta get
over there and smell that meat. – Bert, no! – [Bert] No honey, it’s all right. – Get that man some cover! (dramatic music)
(guns firing) – The barricade’s not
gonna hold much longer! – Ah! It’s coming through! – It’s giving out, get back! – Bert come on, there’s no time! – Just one more minute! – Oh, stupid fool! – Well, you saved my life. Thanks. – Don’t thank me yet. (squelching) (people screaming) – Yes! I didn’t die first! (screaming) – [Ed] Come on! (Floyd groaning) – In here, quick! – All right, that’s it, no more barricade. If that thing makes it past this street, it’s gonna get to the chili factory. Whatever we’re gonna do, we gotta do now. – What do you say, Stevens? You learn what you need
to learn back there? – Yeah, it’s ground beef, tomato soup, Worcestershire sauce, ketchup,
maybe a pinch of mustard. It’s a pretty common recipe
in the Atlantic states. It’s a little tart for my
tastes, but it goes down easy. – Corporal! You got those onions? – Yes sir. – Wait, onions? – Five pounds of ’em. – It’s what we need to paralyze
the creature long enough to make it safe to each. Why, what’s wrong? – I’m allergic to onions. – How allergic? – I swell up and I get real lethargic. – Could you eat five pounds of onions? – Well I don’t know, I’ve
always avoided finding out. – So what’s it gonna be? (somber music) – [Bert Voiceover] Don’t
you die on me, Johnny! – [Johnny Voiceover] It’s
all right, little brother, it’s not your fault. But there’s something I
need you to do for me. If you ever get a chance to save a city somewhere in the Midwest, you know, like Cincinnati or something? – [Bert Voiceover] The Queen City? – [Johnny] If you ever
get a chance to save a place like that from being destroyed by a horrible monster, you do it. No matter what the risks
are buddy, you do it. Do it for me. – [Bert Voiceover] Johnny? Johnny? Come on! Wake up, Johnny! Wake up, Johnny! – Let’s go save us a city. – Bert, no! – No honey, it’s all right. – So what’s the game plan? – Corporal.
– Yes sir. – Any windows on the
second floor of this place? – Well yes sir, I believe there are. – Then get a move on, soldier. (sighs) – Seriously? – All right, go. (squelching) – The onions, they’re not going in! (all sighing) – The creature must have figured out a way to resist absorbing something
it doesn’t wanna eat. – So what do we do? – I don’t know. We’ve got to find a way. Floyd! – What are you doing? – It can’t eat my legs twice. All right, you overgrown entree. I got a bone to pick with you. Ha ha! – [Both] Floyd, no! No! (blows breath) – I did not think this through. (ominous music) (beastly groaning) – It’s working! – Listen up, you
magnificent son of a bitch. You got 18 minutes, you got it? – Yeah. – Bert, no! – No honey. It’s all right. (dramatic music) (beastly groaning) (all gasping) – How much time does he have left? – A minute 30. – Get a move on! – I don’t think he can get a move on. – Gettin’ kinda hard to swallow. – He’s not gonna make it! He’s gonna die out there! – Not if I can help it. All right, come on. (groaning) – What? – I got something that’ll help you. – What is that, an antihistamine? – No, it’s a muscle relaxant. It’ll uh, loosen back your
throat, control the gag reflex. – Well, why would you
have something like that? – There’s no time, Bert!
– What? – 30 seconds! – Can you do it? – For Johnny? – For America. – For the world. (dramatic music) – 10 seconds! Eight, seven, six, five, four– – Yeah!
– Three, two… (groans) – [All] Yeah! (gun firing) – Yeah! We did it! We saved the world! – You saved the world. (sirens wailing) – Did we save the world, doctor? – For now? Yes. But who knows what dangers
we face in the future? As long as humanity continues
to challenge the limits of our knowledge and
explore the unseen wonders of this vast universe, there will always be men like Joe Neumann, brave men who take one step too far to the places we were not intended to go. Is that the price we must
pay to advance our species? Perhaps. We were lucky today. Tomorrow, there could
be another Joe Neumann, another tragic accident. Will we be able to save the world then? Or will our thirst for
knowledge finally prove to be our undoing? – Hey guys. Heh, crazy idea. Want to get a pizza or something? – You’re actually hungry after all that? – I know. Weird, huh? – Yeah, I’ll get a pizza. – [Bert] So what are you guys thinkin’? A little Rosa’s, maybe? – [Ed] You guys had
their Hawaiian pizza yet? – [Dr. Chang] What’s that got on it? – [Ed] Pineapple. – [Dr. Chang] You know
I don’t like pineapple. – [Bert] I’m actually in
the mood for some anchovies. – [Alison] Bert, no. – [Bert] No honey, it’s all right. (gentle music) ♫ Look out lips ♫ Look out gums ♫ Look out esophagus ’cause here it comes ♫ Oh yeah ♫ All right ♫ ‘Cause meat is murder ♫ and the meat is gonna murder tonight ♫ Look out boys ♫ Look out girls ♫ Look out everybody
in the whole wide world ♫ All right ♫ It’s true ♫ Well, the meat is murder ♫ And the meat is gonna murder you ♫ Look out lips ♫ Look out gums ♫ Look out esophagus ’cause here it comes ♫ All right ♫ So true ♫ Meat is murder and the
meat is gonna murder you ♫ Meat is murder and the
meat is gonna murder you ♫ A-one, a-two, a-one two three ♫ A-my baby, she’s as cute as she can be ♫ Well my baby, she’s
as cute as she can be ♫ From her eyes to her knees ♫ To her 36C’s ♫ My baby, she’s as cute as she can be ♫ Well my baby, she
don’t love no one but me ♫ Oh my baby, she don’t love no one but me ♫ I go over to her place ♫ But I can’t get to second base ♫ My baby, she don’t love no one but me ♫ Her daddy, he doesn’t care for me ♫ No her daddy doesn’t care for me ♫ Well I took her to a dance ♫ But I couldn’t get in
her father’s good graces ♫ Her daddy, he don’t care for me (dramatic music) – Johnny? Johnny, come on! Wake up, Johnny! Wake up, Johnny! (all laughing) – [Director] And, cut.

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