Laughter is the Best Medicine

Inside Amy Schumer – Last F**kable Day – Uncensored

♪ There she goes
like a shooting star ♪
♪ She got fireworks
in her heart ♪
♪ Lighting up this world… ♪(women laughing) (woman)
You guys.
You never slept with him. You don’t know
what you’re missing. (woman 2)
No way! It’s crazy. Hi. Are you lost? Um, I’m sorry. I just– I love
all of you, I can’t– (laughing)
I can’t believe
you’re here. You’re, like,
literally my heroes. (Julia)
God, you look familiar. Are you that girl
from the television who talks about her
pussy all the time? Yes! That– Yes, thank you. How fun.
Well, come sit. Please. (laughing)
Come on. Yeah. Come talk about
your pussy over here. (Amy giggling) Is it– Is it
someone’s birthday or– Oh. Kind of the opposite. We’re celebrating Julia’s
last fuckable day. (Julia)
Yes, salud. Woo!
Woohoo! Um, I’m sorry, did you say
Julia’s last fuckable day? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What is that? In every actress’ life, the media decides
when you finally reach the point where you’re not
believably fuckable anymore. But– I mean,
how do you know? Who tells you? Well, nobody–
Nobody really overtly tells you, Right. but there are signs. You, like–
You know how Sally Field was Tom Hanks’
love interest in “Punchline” and then,
like, 20 minutes later, she was his mom
in “Forest Gump”? Or you might get
offered a romcom with Jack Nicholson
where you’re competing with another woman
to fuck him. I just had an audition
for Mrs. Claus. You’re kidding me. I read for that part. You did? I read for that, too. (Julia)
You did? Yes. Hey, who got that? J.Lo. (gasping)
Oh, she’ll be good. She’s gonna be really good. (Julia)
Really good. Or you go to a movie set, you go to wardrobe
and the only thing they have for you to wear
are long sweaters, like cover you up
head to toe kind of thing. Right, or, like,
the poster for your movie is just, like, a picture
of a kitchen. Yeah. With these very uplifting
and yet vague titles, like, “Whatever It Takes”
or “She Means Well.” That kind
of thing, right? Another common sign is when they
start remaking your best movies with younger,
more fuckable actresses. I guess they’re making “Boyhood”
with Selena Gomez in my part. That’s gonna make
a lot of money. I don’t understand.
You’re all so fuckable. Like, believe me, no one
was more surprised than me that they let me stay fuckable
throughout my 40s and the fact that it
continued into my 50s. This was just like,
thanks, but… I thought that US Weekly
had made some sort of a clerical error
or something. Tell me about it.
If you shoot a sex scene the night before
your birthday, everyone is like,
hurry up, hurry up, we gotta get it
before midnight, ’cause they think
your vagina is gonna turn
into a hermit crab. Uh-huh. Well, is there anything
you can do to delay it? Yeah, I mean, you can try,
but it only makes it worse, like those
Real Housewives. They try to look young, but then they end up
looking like a purse that melted
in a car accident. Yeah. They look like when a kid
draws a face on its hand. But what about men?
Like, who tells men when it’s their
last fuckable day? (all laughing) Honey, men don’t
have that day. Never. Well, they’re
fuckable forever. They could be 100 and, like,
nothing but white spiders coming out,
but they’re fuckable. I didn’t get this commercial
last week for AARP because the director
said I was too old to play Larry King’s wife. I heard that Bruce Willis just got engaged to a girl
who is 24 years younger than him and I heard that
she’s an actual baby lamb. What?
Really? Mm, Google it. So, wait, are you guys,
like, bummed at all? (Julia)
No. Are you kidding me? I’m thrilled. Ecstatic. I mean, I don’t have
to deal with this, maintaining this anymore. I mean, it’s just such–
It’s a godsend. I can grow
my pubes out, it’s– Look at this. See this ice cream? It’s been sitting
out here for an hour. You wanna know why? Watch this, baby. (all chanting)
Chug, chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug, chug! (Amy chuckling)
Oh, my God!
Woo! (belching) Whoa! (laughing) (farting) Oh, whoa. (Tina)
Hilo ! (all laughing) (Julia)
All right. You know
what’s next. Let’s go do
this thing. Where are we going? To do the ritual. And then we put
her in the boat and we push her out
into the water and we drink champagne
to salute how fuckable she was
for so many years. It’s nice. (Julia)
Yeah, It’s really nice. (all shouting)
Cheers. (laughing) And where is she going? Home. Wait, what? Tina, no! Seriously, relax. She’s just
going to her house. I gotta get clothes that I’ve
got to get out of the dryer. (exhaling) Okay, I was right. She’s an actual baby lamb. Oh. Oh. (Julia)
Can I see it? Oh. Good for them. I’m out. Okay, bye,
I’ll see you. (kissing) What are you doing? I’m just gonna, um,
go home and wax my beard.

100 thoughts on “Inside Amy Schumer – Last F**kable Day – Uncensored

  1. I believe Larry David would have referred to the two obviously man-made structures inside Julia Louis-Dreyfus as, "First of all, they're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, OK? They're not breasts."

  2. was I supposed to laugh? Maybe they should add a laugh track to help some of us know when to laugh.

  3. i would totally have sex with the amy schumer of this period. i haven't seen how she is these days, so i can't say. probably jld too, if she wore those porn stockings with the garters, and was shaved down to a landing strip. oddly enough, neither one of them have called though. 867-5309 i'm here ladies

  4. Do you ever get "feelings" a commanding premonition that completes obscure parts of an incomplete picture?
    I do all the time, I am blessed and my premonitions accurate! I have a feeling Julia Dreyfus has "the hots!" for me!

    It's palpable! I feel it in the heart of each reader, your heart without quarrel engages mine in harmony of this knowledge!

    Do you feel it?

  5. 2:53 maaaaan that’s on the ladies lol. Women be checking for older dudes all the time. Like what the hell do you see in a 60 year old man? Ain’t our fault ladies still be interested in elderly men

  6. I'm sorry Amy, you have never been fuckable. Even though I'm sure a few frat boys hit a roll every now and then.

  7. How did this whale get her own show. The only funny people are the guest stars but not related to anything they say on the show

  8. Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that the profoundly superficial industry that has made these women impossibly wealthy beyond their wildest dreams or talent, is shallow when it comes to appearance? Well, I am shocked. Really.

  9. Atleast Amy Schumer doesn't have to worry, she was never fuckable.

    Oh, and the skit starting off with her jogging.. That's cute. We all know she doesn't jog..

  10. I think Julia, Tina and Rosanna agreed to this idea from Amy Schumer's mind because it would be ironic that even though Schumer's show was having it's 15 minutes of fame, they new that all of them despite their age were more "Fuckable" than Amy Schumer at any age. Sexy is sexy.
    Sorry Schumer.

  11. "…A purse that melted in a car accident." LOL!   And it's bullshit, because these 4 women are all fuckable 😀 (I'm sure they just love to hear that, put in just that way…but hey, they started it…)

  12. Best. Fucking. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Watched. With. Every. One. Of. My. Favorite. Fucking. Female. Icons. In. Hollywood. EVER.

  13. this is litro what was on my mind in that movie where will farell was the lead and his love interest looked 20 years younger and hot😐what we don’t realise is that it’s men who usually cast and direct these, and those decisions implement problematic ideals in society. Women are afraid to age now because they feel like they’re only valued when young, and men look forward to their long lives because the media we consume tell them they can be fuckable almost always.

  14. I’ve noticed than in European cinema (especially French and Italian) actresses who are middle-aged never perceived as “old boring, not fuckable anymore”. They usually play confident charismatic characters, who fuck either their peers or have boy toys.
    In America, women in film treated as a product. First wrinkles – bye, girl.
    I loved the novel “Theatre” and the film adaptation “Being Julia” that deals with this issue in a witty way.

  15. Today's so called humor is too crude to be labeled as funny! That's why the comedians of yesterday were Golden and today they're your everyday sick and twisted foul mouth no class twits that just falls right in with our sick and twisted foul mouth society! That's the difference! There is no decency anymore!

  16. Ok, so I thought I was into comedy but I don't know who the blonde woman is.
    If she is sitting on that table with the 30 Rock lady and the lady from that white house show, she must be important.

  17. Unless you are a genetic anomaly, nobody want to fuck you when you are over 40. Men are at peace with it and hire prostitutes. Women should stop bitching and do the same.

  18. Vera Farmiga is another example. 2005 she is the love interest of DiCaprio. In 2009 she is the love interest of Clooney.

  19. Feel free to watch “The Mule” for an example of how a 90-year-old Clint Eastwood is somehow considered worthy of multiple threesomes. It had literally no relevance to the plot whatsoever. I’m sure it had nothing to do with him being the director.

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