Have you guys ever browsed Instagram and wondered why everyone looks so beautiful? Why does everyone have such a perfect life? Why is everyone having so much fun? Has perfect skin? Is always laughing and smiling. WHY is my life so boring, as I sit here in my underwear covered in breadcrumbs? Sad and alone. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because they’re faking it. We need to understand collectively: nobody’s that happy. We are all miserable. They’re just so much better at faking it. And you know what they’re doing? They’re making all of us feel even worse! That’s why today I am proud to present to you, one of the best subreddits in the game: Instagram Reality. Where they take a snippet from someone’s Instagram or social media, and show you the actual reality behind the post. Today, I guarantee YOU that you will be feeling better, more confident. We need to embrace that, and lift ourselves up in the knowledge that we are all ugly, pathetic, monsters that just want to eat McDonald’s every day. So this is a shot of people from Coachella this year. This is a dystopian future! Everybody’s gone to this event, but they’re not really there to be at the event. They’re there to get pictures of them at the event. Worth noting though that this guy filming is on his phone as well, but you know, some things are worth capturing. If you’re an influencer that does not go to Coachella, Do you actually exist? Hmm… This is a picture from “California Super Bloom” in which there’s like, fields of massive amounts of Golden Poppies flowing, and these beautiful, wonderful Instagrammers have taken upon themselves to get these very beautiful photos. Unfortunately, once they get up, they have completely ravished the flowers on which they were laying. Yes, she did destroy this flower field, but if she didn’t take the photo, does it exist? Every time an Instagrammer tramples a field of flowers for a selfie, an angel actually loses its wings. I think this is the exact moment that God forsakes us. Now, Bieber was photoshopped here for Calvin Klein. His hands are bigger, His neck is bulging massive, and they made his package like he’s got like a 12-incher, dude. Did they really have to photoshop a freaking cow hoof in your pants, bro? Somehow nobody has pores except me and you, right? I mean, my skin’s messed up when you see it up close, but here’s Justin Bieber! His f– He’s got acne like all of us! It’s okay to have pimples on your face. That’s just the human condition. I don’t know why God cursed us to have blackheads and pimples and I mean, it seems pretty cruel to do that. I don’t get it anywhere else in my body. Why is it that I have to get it on my face, the most important place and I want my face to be clean– But everybody’s got it. This is Harry Styles. I mean, yeah, he’s a young man. He’s got pimples on his face. That’s how it works. So the next time you see a greasy pimply black-headed face in the mirror, don’t feel so bad, because all these people you look at Instagram their faces are just as messed up as yours, dude. [Burps] [Laughs]
Ohohohohohoooooo! THIS is why I love this! This is the SAME person. On the SAME day, wearing the SAME outfit. Whenever I see something this– like this, I’m like listen, you can fool the whole world, but you can’t fool yourself, man. The one on the left is in the VIP area.
The one on the right is in the pee area. I don’t know what that means. One of the left looks like she’s at Coachella. The one on the right looks like she’s at Nochella. Again, I’m not trying to shame her because I think her body is totally fine and she should embrace that, but that is not you! The one of the left is on the beach. The one on the right just WASHED UP on the beach. Sorry, again, I’m not trying to shame anybody. I’m just saying; Come on people. Let’s- Let’s get a grip here. [Wheezes] YES! This girl is the spokesman of Instagram reality. [Stutters]
There–tha–wh–how– Why do you– Why are you even a model, if you’re gonna modify your looks that much? It’s like, from beauty queen to WWF wrestler in two seconds. You cannot Photoshop your heart and soul! Remember that. This girl tried to use a face filter on Instagram and her phone blew up. Here’s another one of her. She is the best. Isn’t she not the best? Would people even recognize her if they saw her on the street? I mean, she is unrecognizable. This is Coachella versus throwing down in the McDonald’s parking lot at 3 a.m. This is Coachella versus World Star HipHop. [Laughs]
NOO! That CANNOT be the same person! Dude, Coachella versus open casket funeral. [Hisses]
Oh damn, Tana is looking pretty good these days! Oh! [Laughs]
Ohohohoho! I can’t believe it’s the same day! She looks like a Twinkie! This is what TanaCon was promoted as, and what TanaCon ended up actually being. Now, that is natural beauty! Truly nothing wrong with this photograph at all. This is natural beauty at its finest. Girls, remember: if your hand doesn’t look like a question mark, then you’re not beautiful. Kylie Jenner. Here. That’s the same person. Believe it or not. That is the same person. Unhypnotize yourself if you would, please. And realize that this is the very same person. The same haircut. The same style. It’s all there. What’s the difference? NASA was working around the clock on this Photoshop on the left. And while we’re on the topic of the Kardashians, I have to show you this. I know it’s a fad for all these girls to have big asses, and that’s fine. Nothing wrong with a big beautiful, uuh, you know, natural “Toches”, as my mom says in Yiddish. But here, I want you to see what these ass implants actually look like. I hope that the women who are watching this video feel better about their butts, because there’s nothing wrong with cellulite. Cellulite is beautiful. It’s a part of everyone’s body. Since when are we pretending like cellulite doesn’t exist? The truth is we are all disgusting, nasty monsters with blackheads and whiteheads and nasty dimpled asses. This is what it is! We’re all disgusting! “Oh, I curve space time.” Big deal. You’re not kidding anyone with that gravitational pull. Please, whatever. Tana, what are you doing? Oh my God. It’s so messed up because Tana’s got these young, impressionable audience, that’s gonna look at this and really get messed up over it, because it’s– It’s just messed up to show yourself like a beautiful mermaid, when in actuality, you’re more of a manatee. She’s been spending her time grazing in the ocean. Not freaking hanging out on boats. That’s not her natural habitat. And I’m sorry that comes off as rude, but I don’t like what she’s doing. That’s not right! I’m ugly and fat! Okay?! You gotta work with what you got here. We’re not fooling anyone. So, this girl apparently is known on Instagram for having like — for being t h i c c , you know. And my goodness just looking at this. There’s nothing real! Actually breaks my heart, you know. Because I know plenty of guys out there that will look at that girl on the left and be like: BOOM! You know what I mean? We’re guys! We’d put our dick in a meat grinder if it you know, had a chance of feeling good. A little-known fact is that Jesus invented the Instagram filter, so [Laughs]
there you have it. And this woman specifically cracks me up because they went through the trouble of photoshopping out the lines on her hands, like, is there nothing left that we can’t not feel insecure about? [Laughs]
Oohoohoohoo! I don’t think that building’s up to code. Is that Leaning Tower of Pisa or the Colosseum? I’m not gonna say anything about the first lady, because I respect the Office, All I will say is, in the words of her: be best. And if being best means dedicating an entire wing of the NSA to Photoshop your pictures then, so be it. Be best. [Laughs]
What did you even do? What am I even looking at? You poor woman… How is this better than the original? Oh, it looks like you have some degenerative disease. What have you done? Mama mia, that’s a spicy meatball. Don’t feel — I want you to look at this and feel better! If you saw this girl on the left on Instagram, would you feel insecure? No, because that’s what a real person looks like. I mean, what the hell?! I want you watching right now to know that there’s plenty of guys out there, that would go: [Claps]
Dinner time! A A A You know? Meanwhile you know what Chloe’s thinking right now? She’s going: “I wonder, can I Photoshop my soul?” Okay, [laughs]
Okay, on this one exception, I will admit. The cat on the right does look better. Yes! That’s so good! Her fucking eyebrow is on her hat, dude. It’s like an anime character. How do you even end up photoshopping your eyebrow through your hat? Dude, how is everybody just chilling at the pool and calm like this? Buildings are twisting and turning like Inception! Those asses are so fine, they actually have a gravitational pull. And finally, I would like to show you guys the family that started it all, before they discovered Instagram’s cosmetic surgery, or any of these beautiful things that now define our era. Take a look, at this ordinary family. A family like millions you’ve seen. My, how they’ve changed. My, my, my, my, my, how they sure have changed. Wowie. How can I show myself looking like THIS. I must have the worst skin IN THE WORLD. I’m gonna rip out the sink! Look! You can even see little blackheads coming out of my skin. It’s foul. Do you see that? It’s disgusting! Hey guys, welcome today to my vlog. Hope you’re having a great day. It’s a really sunny in here, so uh, hope you don’t mind me turning the exposure up, all the way. Umm… There’s nothing I can do, it’s just super bright! So guys, let’s go, we’ll have a good start to my perfect day. Let’s go — Let’s go be beautiful together, okay? We’re all beautiful — perfect skin.