Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Jay Mohr • Funny For A Girl • Part 3 | LOLflix


MY SON, TODAY, JUST TESTED FOR HIS GREEN BELT, AND GOT IT. EIGHT YEARS OLD, YOUNGEST GREEN BELT EVER
GIVEN OUT IN THAT DOJO, OKAY? SO HE CAN FIGHT. HE’S A TOUGH GUY, AND HE CAN FIGHT. AND I WRESTLED, SO I CAN TEACH HIM THE GROUND GAME, SO MY DREAM IS THAT, IF HE IS GAY, I WOULD PUT HIM IN THE UFC AS THE FIRST OPENLY GAY FIGHTER. HE’D BE 40-0, ALL FORFEITS. HE’D BE AT THE WEIGH-IN, IN HIS LITTLE TIGHTY-WHITEY UNDERPANTS, JUST STEPPING ON THE SCALE WITH HALF A BONER. ONE SEVENTY NINE!!!!!! I LIKE YOUR BANGS. SEE YOU IN THE OCTAGON. GROUND AND POUND. I DID A MOVIE ONCE, UP IN SAN FRANCISCO, AND MY WIFE AND I AND MY SON WERE DRIVING UP THE 5 FREEWAY FROM L.A. TO SAN FRANCISCO, AND THAT IS JUST A BALLS-ACROSS-YOUR-NOSE DRIVE. THERE’S NOTHING TO DO. WE LISTENED TO EVERY SINGLE THING ON MY iPOD THAT THERE IS TO LISTEN TO. BLACK CROWES, BEASTIE BOYS, ALICE IN CHAINS, ROLLING STONES, BEATLES, BAD BRAINS, VAN HALEN, ALL OF IT, BRO. WU-TANG, FOREVER, O.D.B.! SHIMMY SHIMMY YEAH SHIMMY ALL OF IT. MY SON’S IN THE BACK WITH A VIDEO GAME, HIS EYES MELTING OUT OF HIS HEAD. HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT’S HAPPENING. ONCE THEY GET THE VIDEO GAME IN THEIR HEAD, THEY JUST TURN INTO ZOMBIES. AND YOU CAN ASK THEM QUESTIONS, AND THEY’RE NOT THERE. YOU’RE LIKE, HEY, MAN, YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT? AND HE’LL GO, NO, I WENT BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE. AND I KEEP PLAYING AL GREEN ALL THIS DIFFERENT MUSIC, ‘CAUSE I’M WAITING TO SEE IF HE BOBS HIS HEAD A LITTLE, TRYING TO GET A VIBE ON
WHAT HE LIKES. NOTHING. NOTHING MAKES HIM MOVE A MUSCLE. FOUR HOURS, I GOT AN EXTENSIVE iPOD SELECTION. NOTHING. MY WIFE, IT’S HER TURN TO CHOOSE SOMETHING. SHE PUTS ON RUFUS WAINWRIGHT GAY SINGING JUDY GARLAND SONGS. GAYER. THE FIRST SONG ON RUFUS WAINWRIGHT SINGING JUDY GARLAND IS…CLANG CLANG CLANG GOES THE TROLLEY RING RING RING GOES THE BELL MY SON LOOKS UP FROM THE BACK SEAT, AND HE GOES, WHO’S THIS? WHO IS THIS? SWEAR TO GOD. MY WIFE LOOKS ACROSS THE TRUCK AT ME, AND SHE GOES, HE’S ON THE DOWN-LOW. ALL TRUE. IF I HAD TO RENAME MY BOYS, I WOULD RENAME THEM COCK AND BLOCK. WHILE SEX DOESN’T NECESSARILY END, IT CERTAINLY GETS COMPROMISED IN THE WAY YOU DO IT. LIKE WHEN THEY’RE ONE, AND THEY CAN SIT UP IN THE TUB, YOU JUST GO RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU LEARN HOW TO HAVE SEX SUPER FAST, STANDING UP IN THE HALLWAY. YOU’RE LIKE RODEO PEOPLE, LIKE, TIME? TIME, EIGHT SECONDS! WHOO. WHOO! EIGHT SECONDS! AND THEN YOU’VE GOT TO HIT THAT SWITCH AND WALK BACK INTO THE BATHROOM. HOW’S YOUR BATH? YOU CAN NEVER JUST GO BACK TO YOUR OLD WAYS OF JUST SHOW FN. LIKE WHEN YOU’RE JUST DOING IT, LOOKING AT
YOURSELF IN THE CLOSET MIRROR GOING, YEAH! IT’S ALL, LIKE, VIET CONG TUNNEL RAT STYLE, LIKE, YOU UNROLL HER PAJAMAS. IT TAKES YOU LIKE 45 MINUTES, ‘CAUSE THEY CAN HEAR YOU UNROLLING, LIKE, SWEATPANTS IN BED. AND THEN YOU KIND OF SNEAK UP BEHIND
HER. SHE’S LIKE, OH, YEAH, OKAY, AND SHE ARCH SHE STICKS IT OUT A LITTLE BIT. AND YOU’RE JUST POKING HER IN THE BACK, BECAUSE, LET’S FACE IT, ISN’T A VAGINA A FOOT LOWER THAN YOU THINK IT IS? EVERY TIME IS WHAT SURPRISES ME. DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU PUT YOUR HAND DOWN A GIRL’S PANTS, GUYS, OR LESBIANS? DO YOU REMEMBER? YOU’VE GOT YOUR HAND ALL THE WAY DOWN HER PANTS, YOU HAVEN’T EVEN TOUCHED HAIR YET, AND YOU’RE LIKE, MAYBE SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH HER. I’LL JUST KEEP GOING. AND THEN FINALLY YOU HIT IT, AND YOU’RE LIKE, OH, MY GOD, IT’S RIGHT NEXT TO HER ASSHOLE. WHAT HAPPENED TO HER? EEH! DID YOUR PARACHUTE NOT OPEN? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? WERE YOU WERE YOU IN A CAR ACCIDENT? ‘CAUSE YOUR VAGINA IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR ASSHOLE. WE THINK, YOUR LIKE, OUR PENISES NOW, I’M WEARING A WETSUIT AND FOUR PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR, AND I’M VERY SOFT, AND IT’S COLD UP HERE. OUR PENISES ARE HERE. WE THINK THAT’S WHERE YOUR HOLE IS. NO. YOUR HOLE IS WHERE OUR BALLS END. THAT’S LIKE A FOOT. SO YOU UNROLL THE SWEATPANTS, AND YOU’RE POKING HER IN HER VERTEBRAE AND SHE’S ACCOMMODATING AND NICE, LIKE, WHENEVER YOU GET AROUND TO
IT, I’M GOOD. IT’S A IT’S A YOU KNOW. IT’S A JERRY ORBACH ONE. I’M FINE. OOH. AND THEN WHEN YOU FINALLY ARE INSIDE, YOU’RE NOT EVEN ENJOYING IT, ‘CAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE JUST STARING AT THE DOORKNOB, OF YOUR BED, AND LOOKING UNDERNEATH FOR THE LITTLE CREEPY FEET. THAT’S WHERE I LOOK. I THINK SHE LOOKS AT THE DOOR. MAN, I DON’T THINK SHE LOOKS AT ANYTHING,
I THINK SHE JUST HAS SEX. BUT I’M TOO PARANOID. I’M GLAD I HAD BOYS FIRST, ‘CAUSE THEY CAN
PREPARE YOU FOR HAVING A REAL CHILD, A GIRL, BECAUSE GIRLS YOU HAVE TO, LIKE, REALLY PARENT A GIRL. BOYS YOU CAN MAKE A LOT MORE MISTAKES WITH. YOU CAN LIE. TWO BOYS, JUST RUNNING DOWN THE STEPS. DADDY, CAN WE WATCH TV? AND YOU’RE LIKE, WE DON’T HAVE A TV. HE GOES, OH, OKAY. HE TURNS AROUND TO RUN UP, BUT THE OTHER ONE’S STILL RUNNING DOWN. THEY SMASH THEIR FACES TOGETHER. THEY’RE UNCONSCIOUS FOR TWO HOURS, SO THEN YOU SMOKE A BOWL AND PLAY MADDEN. NOT ME, YOU. BOYS ARE DUMB AS BAGS OF HAIR. A LITTLE GIRL KNOWS YOU HAVE A TV. SHE HAS THE RECEIPT FROM WHEN YOU BOUGHT YOUR TV. IT’S IN HER OFFICE, IN HER BEDROOM, IN HER HELLO KITTY TRAPPER KEEPER. IT’S ALPHABETIZED, AND SHE GOES, I KNOW WE HAVE A TV, BECAUSE THE SALESMAN WAS AFRICAN-AMERICAN, AND YOU DIDN’T GET THE EXTENDED WARRANTY BECAUSE YOU WERE INTIMIDATED BY HIS MUSCLES. AND SHE’S RIGHT. LITTLE GIRLS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. JUST LIKE WOMEN. YOUR WIFE, WHEN YOU ARGUE, SHE’S RIGHT. I SEE YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD NO. TRUST ME, BROTHER. HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE. I MET MY WIFE AND I WAS AN ASSHOLE MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I ALWAYS HAD THIS ONE MOTTO, MY WAY OR THE FN HIGHWAY, THAT’S IT. EVERYBODY DOES IT MY WAY, OR THEY’RE OUT. AND THEN WHEN I WAS WITH MY WIFE, ABOUT FOUR MONTHS WENT BY, AND I REALIZED THERE WAS NO
LAUNDRY DONE, THERE’S LIKE CHIT STAINS IN MY UNDERWEAR, I’M MAKING, LIKE, TURKEY PATTIES
AND GRILLED CHEESE, AND THEN FINALLY I LOOKED AT HER AND I WENT, WHAT’S YOUR WAY? HER WAY IS AWESOME! DISHES GO IN THE DISHWASHER. DISHES DON’T GO IN THE SINK, THEY GO IN THIS
THING, THE DISHWASHER, RIGHT NEXT TO THE SINK. IT’S MAGICAL. GUYS ARE LIKE, MAN, FK HIM. WOMEN DO WEIRD STUFF. THEY GET READY FOR BED. GUYS DON’T GET READY FOR BED. WE JUST LAY DOWN AND SLEEP HAPPENS. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. A WOMAN WILL SAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? AND YOU’RE LIKE, I’M WATCHING SPORTS CENTER. AND SHE’LL GO, AGAIN? AND YOU’LL GO, YEAH. WHY WHAT? AND THE EXACT SPORTS CENTER IS GONNA REPLAY AFTER THIS ONE, AND THEN I’M GONNA WATCH THAT ONE ALSO. AND SHE’LL SAY, OKAY, I’M GONNA GO GET READY FOR BED. DON’T THINK YOU’VE GOTTA POUND A MICHELOB
AND JOIN HER RIGHT AWAY. YOU STILL GOT A GOOD 45 MINUTES BEFORE SHE’S
IN PAJAMAS. ‘CAUSE WOMEN GET READY FOR BED. WHA HOW DO YOU GET READY FOR BED? YOU GET READY FOR A MARATHON. YOU GET READY FOR THE OLYMPICS. YOU GET READY FOR A PRIZEFIGHT. YOU GET READY FOR YOUR S.A.T.s. YOU DON’T GET READY FOR BED. BUT THEN, IN THEY GO. WOMEN ARE IN THE BATHROOM, THEY CLOSE THE DOOR, THEY LOCK IT, THEY LEAVE THE FAUCET RUNNING. IF YOU KNOCK, THEY DON’T ANSWER. AND IF YOU PUT YOUR EAR TO THE DOOR, IT SOUNDS
LIKE THE PIT CREW AT THE INDY 500 IS IN THERE WITH HER. ZZHH ZHHZZZ ZHHH ZSSHH PFFT BLIP BLIP PFFFFFTTT, CLANG CLANG CLANG GOES THE TROLLEY RING RING PFFFT LADIES, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM, 45
MINUTES, YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. GUYS DON’T GET READY FOR BED. WE JUST PASS OUT. WOMEN GET READY FOR BED, BUT THEY ALSO HAVE
TO GET THE NIGHTSTAND READY FOR BED. ANYTHING THAT MIGHT HAPPEN IN THE NEXT NINE HOURS HAS TO BE ACCOUNTED FOR ON THE NIGHTSTAND. THERE’S NOT YOU’LL SIT THERE GOING, ARE YOU
READY? AND THEY’RE LIKE, WAIT, NEED MY WATER TISSUES, RIGHT HERE. THE NEW PEOPLE. CHAPSTICK. CAN’T GO TO BED WITHOUT CHAPSTICK. I DON’T KNOW WHY THAT IS, BUT FOR SOME REASON LADIES CANNOT CLOSE THEIR EYES AT NIGHT UNLESS THEY PUT THE CHAPSTICK LIKE, ARE YOU AFRAID
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A DREAM ABOUT THE DESERT, AND WAKE UP, OH, MY GOD! THANK GOD THIS HAS SPF. I HAD A DREAM ABOUT THE DESERT, AND IF I DIDN’T PUT THIS ON, IT WOULD HAVE BURNT MY LIPS OFF. GUYS LAY DOWN, AND WHEN WE WAKE UP, 14, 15 HOURS LATER, RIGHT NEXT TO THE BED, IN THE EXACT ORDER WE TOOK THEM OFF, SHOES, SOCKS, PANTS, UNDERPANTS, T-SHIRT, JACKET. STOP ASKING US, WHY DON’T YOU PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES? I’M NOT DONE WITH THEM. I’VE HAD THESE PANTS ON SINCE WEDNESDAY. SUBSCRIBE, HIT THE LOLFLIX CIRCLE ABOVE, AND DON’T MISS THE NEW DROPS EVERY DAY OR SO

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