Happy roast. What a crowd! Here I am again following
fucking De Niro. Great job, Aging Bull. I learned something tonight. Alec is the name you give
your son if you want him to grow up and be an asshole. Caitlyn, you were
fucking awesome tonight. I just wanna say that. You were really awesome
tonight. But I wouldn’t fuck you
with Bruce Jenner’s dick. Remember when your picture
was on Wheaties boxes back when people could still
look at you when they eat? How about a hand
for our guest of honor, Mr. Alec “Bobblehead” Baldwin? [cheers and applause] Alec is actually my neighbor
in Greenwich Village, which was a pretty safe
neighborhood until you fucking moved in. You’re a big star. I watched you get arrested
for punching a guy over a parking spot. Next time, valet your car and help your
brother’s business. Help a brother out, Alec! I’m speaking as a big fan.
I love all your movies, Alec. I loved you in “The Departed,” which is also what Caitlyn
calls her penis. And of course, Alec,
you got your Oscar nomination for “The Cooler,” which is where Caitlyn
keeps her penis. And of course,
your first big break was “The Hunt for Red October,” which is what Caitlyn
calls her vagina. Alec, I first saw you
in the movie “Pearl Harbor,” which was worse than
the actual Pearl Harbor. Halfway through, I was rooting
for the Japanese. Any fans of Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump impression
here tonight? [cheers and applause]
Okay. Okay. What a lot of people
don’t realize is that for the last three years, Donald Trump is actually doing
an Alec Baldwin impression. He calls people names,
he yells at the press, he married an immigrant
half his age. The only difference is that
Trump calls his daughter a fox, not a pig. Here’s to you, Ireland. Great job, Ireland.
You didn’t oink once. What a babe.
I love that movie. Bob, this is nothing for you.
You’ve seen it all. Robert De Niro’s
been around so long, he was God’s father. Bob, I have to give you props. You’re owner of my favorite
sushi restaurant. Any fans of Nobu? Yeah. I love that place. By the way,
Nobu is also what Bob’s girlfriend says
when he asks her to dress up like sexy
Harriet Tubman. [laughs] No, boo! Caroline Rhea. I–this is my friend
for a long time. I love this woman so much. You look like
the schoolteacher all the kids hide behind
during a shooting. [laughter] If you don’t know Chris Redd’s
work on “Saturday Night Live,” he does all the impressions
that Kenan Thompson is too fat to play. Big future, bro.
Big future. You look like a blind kid tried
to draw Michael B. Jordan. [laughter] And I say that with affection. Adam Carolla, very interesting
podcast tonight. [laughs] Oh, come on, Adam. I love you.
You were great tonight, but you gotta own up to it. You once said,
“Women aren’t funny.” Well, let me tell
you something. They are,
and you should have hired some to write your jokes tonight. [cheers and applause] – Oh, fuck you.
Fuck you. – Hi, Nikki. You look great tonight. You look like the photo that
Caitlyn showed her doctor. – [laughs] – Great to see my pal
Ken Jeong. Ken is a doctor,
a comic, and an actor, or as it’s known back home
in Korea, a failure.
[chuckles] – [laughs] – Congratulations are in order. Your wife and you, you just had identical
twin daughters. Congratulations. Ken told me–Ken told me
he can’t tell them apart. Well, now you know
how the rest of us feel. – [laughs] – You’re a good guy, Ken. Thank you for letting
them live. – [laughs] [laughing heavily] – Caitlyn, it’s frustrating
to think about. You supported Donald Trump
despite his policies. How can someone who chooses
to be a woman vote against a woman’s right
to choose? [cheers and applause] Just ’cause you’re built like
Sarah Huckabee Sanders doesn’t mean you have
to vote like her. [cheers and applause] Who transitions at 60? That’s like neutering your dog
right before he dies. Bruce Jenner wanted
to be here tonight, but some […]
cut his dick off. Bruce, blink twice
if you’re in there! I gotta give it up to you. You’re the first transgender
person ever to do the Comedy Central Roast. – Yeah! [cheers and applause] I believe you’re normalizing
what should be normal, and you proved tonight you’re
not just a great athlete– the greatest athlete–
you’re also a great sport, which I think
is really important. And you’re an inspiration
to Republican transgender Olympic decathlon
winners everywhere. Mr. Alec Baldwin, thank you for doing this
tonight for charity. And to be honest, making fun of you wasn’t easy
because you have it all. A great career,
a beautiful family, good looks,
intelligence, and you know what? You should run
for president someday. Yeah. I think you got a good shot ’cause in addition to all that, you’re also a piece of shit. Coffee is for closers.
Good night, everybody. I love you guys. [rock music] – You never disappoint.
– Oh! – Thank you, man.