Dwight: What is this? Jim: Happy Holidays, Dwight. But don’t open it till Christmas. You’re so pathetic. How long did this take you? 3 Hours? 5 minutes, actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping. Yeah, no such thing. They don’t give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, ’cause I’m gonna take it apart in about 5 minutes. I think it’ll take you a little bit longer than that. Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than 10 minutes, I ought to be to cut my way– [Beep] It’s kinda blurry. That’s better. Question. What kind of bear is best? That’s a ridiculous question. False. Black bear. Well, that’s debatable, there are basically two schools of thought. Fact, bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Bears do not– What is going on!? What are you doing!? Last week, I was in a drug store, I saw these glasses, $4, and it only cost me $7 to create the rest of the ensemble, and that makes a grand total of… [a few beeps later…] $11. Michael: Here’s what’s gonna happen, I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale. A-A more micro form of management, Jim, what is that called? Jim: Micro-gament. Boom. Yes. Michael: Now, Jim is going to be the client, Dwight, you are going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile, or difficult, Let’s go. Dwight: Alright, fine. [clears throat] Ring. Bill Buttlicker: Hello? Dwight: Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin paper company. Oh, that’s great, ’cause I need paper. Excellent, you are in luck, because we are having a limited time offer only on EVERYTHING. Oh, this is my lucky day! Michael: Ask him his name. Dwight: What is your name sir? I am Bill Buttlicker. Really? that’s your real name? Bill: How dare you! My family built this country, by the way!? Michael: be respectful, Dwight, please. Dwight: Yes Michael. Dwight: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. Jim: [Places bobblehead on table] Identity theft is not a joke Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! Jim: MICHAEL! Dwight: Oh, that’s funny, MICHAEL! Bill: Hold on one second, that’s my other line. Dwight: Wha- No- But I- Bill: [On other line] Hello? [scoffs] oh yeah, I was just on the phone with a STUPID salesman, he’s SO dumb. Probably just keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. [Long pause…] Okay. Michael: It’s up to you to change his mind. [Click] Bill: Sorry, that was a family emergency. Dwight: Oh no! what’s wrong? Bill: You know what? That’s private. Michael: Boundaries! Dwight! Come on! Karen: Hey. Jim: Hey. Karen: Who are you faxing so early in the morning? Jim: Oh, um…. Kinda hard to explain. I don’t have a TON of contact with the Scranton branch but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight’s stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes, from himself, from the future. “Dwight, at 8:00 A.M today, someone poisons the coffee, do NOT drink the coffee, more instructions will follow, cordially, Future Dwight.” [Stanley walks out with a fresh cup of coffee] [Dwight sprints around the office like a madman] Dwight: NO!! *Poor Stanley* You’ll thank me later. Dwight: As I was saying, We’re having a limited- Bill: You’re gonna have to talk a little bit louder, I’m hard of hearing. Michael: Sorry if he’s an old man. Dwight: Okay, as I was saying, right now– Bill: Gotta talk louder. *Louder* Okay, our prices have never been lower. Bill: Son, you have to talk louder. Dwight: Never been lower! Ne– Bill: LOUDER, SON! BUTTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER! HE– *Michael: *Loud Whisper* STOP IT!, STOP IT! [Short Composure pause] [Loud Whisper] That is totally inappropriate. [Loud Whisper] You never yell at the client. You NEVER yell at the client. Bill: You listen to me sir. Michael: *disappointed* Here we go. Bill: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile, and definitely difficult. *Repeatedly* Dwight: Please Mr. Buttlicker, give me another chance. Bill: I’m irate right now. Michael: *Also repeatedly* Give me the phone. Dwight: I have to put you on with my boss. Bill: Well I should hope so. Bill: Who is this? Michael: Hello, this is Michael Scott, Regional Manager. Bill: Well this is William M. Buttlicker. Hello Mr. Buttlicker, how may we help you? Bill: Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna buy $1,000,000 dollars worth of paper products today. Dwight: [Laughs excitedly] Michael: See how it’s done? Thank you very much, sir. I don’t think you’ll regret it. Dwight: You are the master. Bill: There is one condition, Michael, Michael: Yes. Bill: you have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly. Dwight: Don’t do it, Michael. Michael: [Whisper] It’s a million dollar sale. [Pam muttering] Dwight: Where is my desk!? [Long pause] Jim: That is weird. Dwight: This is NOT funny, this is totally unprofessional. Jim: Okay well, YOU’RE the one who lost the desk. Dwight: I didn’t lose my desk. Jim: Okay, calm down, where was the last place you saw it? Dwight: Okay, WHO MOVED MY DESK!? Jim: I think you should re-trace your steps. Dwight: Okay, I am going to tell Michael, and this entire office will be PUNISHED! Jim: Colder… Jim: Warmer… little warmer…. there ya’– ooh…. warmer…. Warmer! Warmer, warmer! Cold ,cold, cold! Back up… [Phone rings] Ooh… Ooh… Warmer… HOT! RED HOT! HOT! [Fades out] VERY HOT…. *Dwight, just sit down already!* *Dwight listens* Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Jim: Hi, Dwight, um… What sorta discounts are we giving on the 20-pound white box? Jim: I’ve given you this information, like 20 times. Jim: I know. [Sorry, can’t clarify :|] Okay, thank you, gotta get back to work. Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words, “Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons, I suspect Jim Halpert.” “Everyone has called me Dwayne all day, I think Jim Halpert paid them to.” Jim: [short chuckle] YES, five bucks each, it was totally worth it. Jim: You look cute today, Dwight. Dwight: Thanks, girl. So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot, which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight FINDING drugs is more dangerous than most people USING drugs. Jim: I’m just saying you can’t be sure that it wasn’t you. Dwight: That’s ridiculous, of course it wasn’t me. Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don’t remember. Dwight: I would remember. Jim: well how could you if it just erased your memory? Dwight: That’s not how it works. Jim: Now, how would you know how it works? Dwight: Knock it off okay? I’m interviewing you! Jim: NO, YOU SAID THAT I’D BE CONDUCTING THE INTERVIEW WHEN I WALKED IN HERE, NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE!? Dwight: (Wha- What?) Michael: “This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I commited murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women’s room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.” [DX] [Michael cringes] Michael: [Deep breath] God. Photographer: Smile. Dwight: No. I Never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates, once someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. Jim: This came out really well. There ya’ go. Dwight: [Holds up Tag] This is humongous, I am not a security threat, Jim: Oh. Dwight: and my middle name is “Kurt”, not “fart”. Jim: What did I write? Michael: “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.” [Looks at Dwight, confused] Jim: [Snickers] That actually took a while, I had to put more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then, I just… took them all out. Michael: “Every time I typed my name, it said “diapers”.” Jim: Just a simple macro. Jim?(Steve) : Morning Dwight. Dwight: Who are you? Steve: Who am I? I’m Jim, we’ve been working together for twelve years. Weird joke, Dwight. Dwight: You’re not Jim, Jim’s not Asian! Steve: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hat’s off to you for not seeing race. Dwight: Alright then, Jim. Why don’t you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday? Steve: Wellington Systems, sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or were you talking about Creeker Murphy? Because I didn’t close that one yet, but I’m hoping I’ve got a voicemail from Paul Creeker waiting for me. [Automated Voice] Please enter your password. *Enters Jim’s password* [Automated Voice] You have one new message. Dwight: How did you know? Dwight: NO, NO, no, that is sensitive information, only for employees, not outsiders! Steve: Dwight, cut it out, I’m trying to work. You don’t work here! You’re not Jim! Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation, [?] at 7:30. Steve: Oh, great, can’t wait. *Kiss* Jim’s at the dentist this morning, and Steve is an actor friend of ours. I don’t know who you are, but you are not Jim. [grabs photo] THIS IS JIM! Steve: (You mean me?) Dwight: Oh– Oh dea– Oh, how did– (I don’t know how they pulled that off :/) Roy: So what’s the deal, we have to pay for our own drinks? That’s lame. Pam: Come on, it’ll be fun, and besides, I’m a roulette expert. Dwight: Impossible, roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance. Jim: I could always count on winning roulette. Dwight: Oh really? M-hmm. Jim: Yeah. Dwight: How would you do that? Jim: Mind control. Dwight: [Laughs] You can’t be serious. Jim: [Looks at Dwight with a stoic expression] Dwight: Are you serious? Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like eight or nine, I could, sorta’ control things with my mind. Dwight: I don’t believe you, continue. Jim: [Sighs] It was just little things, you know? Like, I could make something shake, or I could make a marble fall off the counter, you know? Just little things. [Scoffs] Dwight: That’s ridiculous, you know what? Uh- Why don’t you move that coat rack? Excuse me everyone, attention in the office please! Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers. And he needs absolute silence. Dwight: Go ahead. Jim: Okay, I’ll try. [Jim exhales] [The coat rack moves] [Pam holds up the prank, wordless.] [Pam winks] [Jim concentrates harder] Dwight: Oh my god. [Please subscribe to the office, it’s an awesome channel, and please subscribe to me as well, I put time, effort, and a little dash of love into this.] (Armyman042705) So, yeah… Bye!