Laughter is the Best Medicine

John Tole “WIIYDAD” Album Recording Comedy Works Downtown March 25

Alright, are you guys ready for your Headliner? he is a recent transplant to Denver we’re so lucky to have him, please welcome to the stage for his Comedy Works John Tole Everybody. glad i dressed up for this look like i teach fighting at a Juggalo Hockey League I understand that just, gonna feel good you’re terrifying in your back you’re sitting exactly where you were the last time i fucking yelled at you hey i don’t know if you moved over one seat or if you just got one seat bigger and then showed back up. fucking awesome, Good for you. I’m celebrating a year and a half of sobriety how about that huh yeah real thank you very much and eating mushrooms 12 days in january though that’s real hanging out None of this is real we live in a computer all right thank you yeah 18 i was like a day drinker out of control things weren’t going well and then bam on a sunday morning woke up sober miracle it’s real it happens 14 months after that no porn yeah, and all related activities that go with it welcome back all right good yeah let me recap 18 months sober 14 months after that i’m not jerking it alright that sound like a real asshole january 1 i go paleo what a dick alright yeah No, dairy no Flour no sugar now i’m doing yoga i’m doing Crossfit church two days a week i’m here to tell you i don’t have a single friend in the world all right that’s right its all good I’m gonna hang out with you guys you mind if i sit down yes, you guys OK? (yeah) Fuck yeah what else would you be none of this shit’s real dude you got, to wear a smile and dial motherfucker it’s the only thing that’s happening ISit down when I do stand-up for those of you don’t know thank you? I’m lazy I’m, so lazy i open up cans of corn and flush them down the toilet It’s the cleanest shit joke you’re ever gonna hear I tell you that much that’s it? I don’t give a fuck I told the wrong t-bag joke I got kicked out of celestial seasonings that’s real yeah. Now i can’t go back, to the gift shop and that’s good those prices are steep it’s worth it I don’t give a fuck it was worth it all right i’m getting in shape i’m doing yoga i’m engaging my core trying to figure it in Am I the only lone yogi in here all right and i love that shit It’s life-changing I get in Shavasana Position I get a boner they kicked me out what are you doing you know man it’s fine? Now, I got to go on walks and that sucks when you’re fat every wind chime sounds like the ice cream man it’s not good. What time did I get up here? Time isn’t real, remember? I’ve been fired from every single job I’ve ever had. That’s real shit. Every one of them I got fired I used to work in a bank at a call center collecting mortgage payments that were almost in foreclosure for religious people who lived in the south you’re making that phone call – We don’t do business on the Lord’s day motherfucker sir you don’t do business on any day that’s why we’re calling, how about that? yeah! So we ran an online office pool for how many days in a row my boss said we’re the same suit inside of the office nine days Dave silver suit looney tunes tie changed nine days in a row this sauce stain that got bigger for no reason Only time we showed up early and or on time to work 7:55am were hunkered down like losers in our cubicles waiting for this dude to show up eight o’clock this nerd comes in to the front door and all he sees are heads coming over the cube wall it’s like a game of whack-a-mole at chuck e cheese and the guy who lost on Day 9 was like fuck and everybody hid and that dude who lost on day 9 narced me out and turned me into human resources that is real shit all right yeah Human resources neither human nor a resource can we be honest here all right thank you those of you not clapping need a better job that’s all that is alright it’s fine so they sent me to HR and I’m just sitting across from this lady and they thought i was gonna lose my mind cuz i’m kind of a livewire and nobody really knows what’s really going on with me so in like they put two dudes bigger than me that we’re sitting behind me in chairs Yeah, yeah to make sure i didn’t lose my shit and then when i goes getting escorted oh that’s that’s like? corporate america 101 when you get escorted out of the building you fucking succeeded alright that’s real so now it’s like it’s like a congregation dude it’s me and these two dudes flanking me on each side each of them are carrying a box of stuff they had cleared out for my cubicle half of which i stole it from the company anyway stop please to have an accessory and shit like that that’s awesome Before they kick me out they’re like yo you’re not gonna give in and say yo that’s how i talk they’re like yo you’re not gonna get your direct deposit we’re gonna mail you your last check and i was like all right Whatever is a monday it’s my birthday i fired on my birthday and i started drinking like a maniac cause I was a loser doing that whole week goes whole week goes mailman shows up swung on and miss not a damn check-in that i’m behind then we just feel a little more sad now To even get sadder to have that extra level that you can hate yourself more like why not just check my bank balance at midnight To see if i get even more sadder and not only did they deposit my last check they fucked up and they double deposited my last check feel that grimy energy in here mostly on this side you feel that alright yeah we’re gonna fucking rob the bank that’s what we’re doing yeah yeah i went in that bank Saturday morning i pulled every single red cent out of that bank account I went two blocks down the street and opened up a brand new bank account phone started ringing it was my old bank That’s the phone call, you got answer that phone call that’s real? yeah, they were like mr Tole Your previous employer reached out to us and say there was some misappropriation of funds and I was like word never admit to shit this is still america all right take the fifth all right start asking Questions all right i was like yo what’s the rule on that? and She goes we can only return the money if you say it’s okay so I hung up on her fuck yeah Now the phones, now the phones blowing off the hook because it’s my old employer it’s a lady that fired me all right this lady’s called me ten times a day like Dooooot John this is Janet from Human Resources please call me back, Doooot this is Janet please call me immediately. dude, she was calling me like it was her money you understand this yeah yeah yeah I let her call the whole week and on that Friday after she called like seven times on that Friday a week later? She’s like is John Tole there and I was like no He had to move You didn’t hear? He got fired. She goes is he really not coming back? I was like yeah He’ll be back in a couple days and she goes she goes Sunday? and I was like we don’t do business on the Lords Day Motherfucker and I hung up on her. worse job than that i was a Correspondent on the 311 cruise thank you very much yes oh i know we have we have a 311 fans in here? one person clapping that’s how that goes all right I was on a boat with those maniacs for five days all right how many times do you want To see 311 in five days is15 too many? because i’ll say that it is. all right yeah After day two we walked out of our stateroom and then losers next to us he’s lost his shit he’s fist-fighting the door of his cabin just throwing haymakers Denting the whole thing up and then all the security came from Carnival and these dudes came up with like their blazers on and shit They’re like hey you can’t do that and the dude swung on them now this dude’s going To like Carnival cruise line jail which is a real thing Yeah guess who had cocaine on him at the time hmm what a move to make oh what a nice human yeah by the way when we docked in Cozumel Mexico the next morning Carnival cruise lines sent that dude and his cocaine to the mexican police how about that oh what yeah That’s real shit Hey, you think that’s bad I had to spend three more days with 311 I tell you that’s how, too much ? No? it’s sily was another dumb one? I used to live in Los Angeles we didn’t have any money think okay which part of that are you wooin dude? will would do it is have that the LA part or the not having money part which one is it? both, why are you in LA person okay why were you from dude oh (UHH Minnesota) OH There you Go. that’s why we should legalize mushrooms all right that made sense to him and that’s all that matters okay I lived in an ms-13 controlled building in Koreatown that’s real oh yeah yeah those dudes don’t fuck around man and I’m moving in and like and I’m trying to go Giant box in front of me and i’m walking to this building it’s my first day and i looked down the block five cholos each one scarier than another are walking at me and getting scarier as they get closer and then the one dude with the main dude in the middle he’s like What’s up fool you moving in? In my mind, I’m like what the fuck else would I be doing all right but I watch a lot of cable and I had respect and I’m like yeah I’m moving in actually I’m wearing a Slayer t-shirt at the time it goes Hey Fool you like Slayer ? Oh my god this fucking guy’s two for two right now I like this i And I’m like yeah man Slayers dope, why? what’s up? and he held out his forearm and he had a Slayer tattoo on his forearm So now I have five friends and a nickname and it’s fucking awesome yeah yeah well when i was living there though they’ll pay you to be in audiences for television shows cuz like people need money And so i got a late call to be part of the price is right and I love i mean i grew up with it and i love drew carey and i want To see that dude work i wanted to see the fucking wheel i wanted to see plinko and that’s all i gave a fuck about? all right yeah yeah yeah And i ate it edible because i didn’t know that the job was gonna happen so i was all half on the edible and then The next thing i know i parked and then i’m waiting and then like i now i have to run a half a mile i’m On an edible and i have slammed three truck beers and i’m running from my car to the cbs lot to go on there waiting in line to get inside of the audience and out sitting there i’m having a good time i’m like this is fucking great true carey comes out of my check one there he is yeah i saw the fucking wheel ii pricing in and they played play-doh that’s real and i cry thank you very much good then i realize it was like i’m kind of a rabble rouser and shit and i was like i get into it you know They’re like glam come on down for the pricing little? Shit, you know maybe they’re watching don’t line it’s the routine recorded the shit there’s sound engineers That’s like gladys come on down for the pricing game now i got the whole girl So i’ll tell you what it was like when i got in trouble imagine we have to sell this amazing sign behind me i want you to pretend like you’re the prices right audience and just start yelling prices out like you would on the show all right tower seven okay they weren’t into conspiracy in cbs as much as you were all right yeah that’s final All right booth i moved here i got engaged that’s real to a woman beep laughing i know? Real date was amazing she’s so good you know why it works i’ll tell you gentlemen can i tell you for me to you why the relationship works aaron Don’t not look at me when i’m fucking talking to you all right it’s not gonna be sex lady here – listen up – all right is if you’re using a groupon for sex we’ll talk about something else all right that’s real Gentleman if there’s groupon involved fuck yeah you’re going you understand that that is the rule She’s googled some shit and we’re saving money there’s a printout involved fuck yeah we’re going that’s how that goes Snowshoeing and fondue you ever heard of that ha that’s real Where yeah of course i want to go 45 minutes to estes park to go 14,000 feet the air with tennis rackets on my feet To eat frozen cheese with a bunch of europeans why wouldn’t i want to do that what Go to a $90 couples glassblowing class is that what we’re doing so i can make a bong that cuts my lip open is that what we’re doing paint nite you’re a fucking paint bag that’s real shit you’re keepin it’s terrible his stood out of man bond and a pony – no i shoot, your college talent loser this dude’s never painted a damn thing in his life he shows up with a picture of a vineyard trying to pretend like he can paint a vineyard my lovely fiancee can actually paint hers looks like a vineyard my looks like chemtrails it’s not good all right like oh conspiracy you guys fucking culo at the right up don’t you alright it’s over relax america has about three months left okay have you figured out what your neighbor you need in the apocalypse yet anybody else know of a turtle owner now thank you very much Hey look i used to lie i used to live in a house with like five comedians And now i-i’ve been a blended family i have a dog named pancake? pancakes baddest fuck i gotta cross that cat named jinx i got another cat named obli oh he doesn’t give a fuck either we had a fish named legault lester legolas we all know about star trek and this dude Yo he was swimming like this way and then he was swimming and then we didn’t have a fish anymore then jana was sitting in bed she was thinking of herself like luckily not a turtle You, know you put those intentions in your heart you don’t i mean the universe listens to you you know answers that next day pancake went out to the backyard and snatched up a turtle and brought a 20 year old box turtle and dropped it in the middle of our family room to which my girl look down was like oh my god So now i have a turtle named bacon that’s real and in that turtle and the right amount of wheat every day is jurassic park yeah, we got engaged in the drove from california To vegas yeah! Stay to mandalay bay because i love a discount let’s be honest all right How you doing over here? Hi it sounds like you’re doing a good time over here are you actually like commentating on this dude eating fucking breakfast over here what are you doing i like they’re apologizing for you like in my mouth shut up here i shouldn’t judge alright bye my buddy’s got a sweet pussy i’ll tell you that was my buddy jeff yeah my buddy jeff grew up lesbian woman all the way through high school all the way his life and then was like mamadou started lifting weights He’s taking supplements he’s bounding down his breasts we hadn’t had the full surgery done yet we’re sitting in front of a comedy club hanging out He looks at me he’s like bro i’ve got the sweetest pussy The surgery yet, so we right i don’t know Am i to judge i don’t know my word okay Because because that it looks good it feels good it’s tight and that’s what i knew he was a dude because only a dude would brag about his pussy it shuts anybody you know which leads me to grand junction which is where we drove Her away from california to move here? it’s one o’clock in the morning We’re walking through the parking lot of a denny’s because we’re gonna get a banana split at 1:00 a.m. when you’re in love you don’t i mean that’s you getting stuff like that right and i’m looking and i’m looking at this dude his juice got inside and he’s in the front window of the denny’s and he’s just chill on a laptop 1:00 o’clock in the morning and he’s got this dope ass scottie dog like those dog with a beer yeah Like i love a dog with a beard i love a dog that you’ll take to a fucking denny’s at one o’clock in the morning i went ahead with this dog John walk it in like that’s a badass fucking dog this dude’s weird but i want to know what’s going on with this dog and? So we walk in the front door and then we go we order our banana split and i’m looking and the jews watching dog training videos on while he sits next to the dog so now i’m looking at the dog training videos and i’m looking at this dog and back to the doc training videos and then on his hip was an open carrying nine millimeter grand junction thank you sir all right appreciate it tell this guy he’s not minnesota how about that all right yeah So i saw that gun i looked at the dog training videos i looked at the dog back at the gun and i just ordered a pumpkin pie cuz fuck tomorrow So now i’m like really paying attention to see them like the comeback the computer and the gun and the gun and the computer back To the dog and when i realized that dog is dead it’s taxidermy worse than that i was learning a service fast When i say anything, to be offensive you don’t even i couldn’t you shouldn’t judge people i guess thank you that dude actually has a stutter he’s just so high he doesn’t realize i Love the energy in this room this is a man had some dark times in my life I try to kill myself in my garage once don’t mind you i’m sitting in front of you right now i weighed 411 pounds yeah i weighed like 120 more than what i weigh right now i was making six figures a year at a four-bedroom house i live in texas i pull cars first wife It was the life that i thought i had and i just wanted to die so i decided to work one day i was just gonna kill myself it’s gonna drive home and go to the garage and just shut it and that was gonna be my life i sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic after hating life and hating work all day and then Just, sat and listened to yacht rock songs while i cried and drove myself home in bumper-to-bumper traffic in dallas texas sadder than that since nobody’s passing is these two cars on either side of me looking into my car going what the fuck’s going on in there so i’m like i’m gonna have my last meal this is what i’m gonna do all right i pulled off my exit there on bethany off the 75 i went to starbucks i waited in that drive-through line i got a treinta mint mocha frappuccino with extra whipped cream i asked for an extra cup of whipped cream i said it was for my dog it was for me but that’s why i drank half of that on the way To drive across two parking lots To go to a taco bell cuz that was gonna be the next level of my meal damn i got a mexican pizza i got you those doritos locos tacos i got an entry no, and as god as my witness a dietitian that’s real step to the mcdonald’s by my house and there i bought a flatfish and i bought a big double and i bought a big chicken and i took those three sandwiches on the leftovers and i went to my garage and i just shut it and sat there and started breathing in carbon monoxide slowly eating the food that i got one sandwich after another where i Taken the buns off because i was trying, to watch my carbs that’s real shit And i’m starting to get woozy And i’m like i’m not dead yet and i’m just thinking about what life is like and is this what we’re supposed to be doing and i just felt a little more depressed and i started eating the bonds one after another and i thought about how and from a karmic Perspective what happens if i die all of these carbon monoxide collects in here and then goes inside of the house and kills the two dogs that are inside of the house right there exactly and in that thought i was like holy shit i can’t be on the hook for that I’m fucking me i’ve already decided that but i can’t continue on and ruin that so i turned off the car so plan decision you gotta get later in life you can’t kill yourself And i just opened the garage door and let the carbon monoxide Dissipate and i walked inside of my house my wife at the time is standing in the kitchen she had been there cooking didn’t even know that i had been in a garage the whole time and she turned around and saw that my eyes were red and I had been crying and she’s like what’s the matter and i was like nothing what’s for dinner? but the point of that is what i’m saying is you don’t kill yourself you kill your old life and i got rid of that house and i got rid of that job all right And i got a divorce and the house went to foreclosure my cars got repossessed my ex-wife went to san diego $15,000 in debt to go live with her mom i downsized and go tour with a car i end up with another woman in a year i’ve ruined her life and she’s going down now, to live in louisiana with her mother the point of all of us is that suicide ruins lives just not mine all right now the fact that i can be here tonight and talk to you folks is amazing it’s a miracle thank you i Did i did give myself do shells the other day that’s a real yeah you, ever hear it just say something in your normal waken big tough guy life you realize like what the fuck that i just do you ever do that i Went to a dispensary and i looked a grown man in the face and i said do any edibles that fit the paleo lifestyle to understand so now i can i get its live and that’s great because you can fly with edibles and it’s amazing and you should be able to do that’s phenomenal right here i Chopped an edible before i got into ober where this story happened and i was going for my carbon in the valley down to lax and i was just waiting for this Overview to show up and his name was ayub this dude had three wise in his name dawg that’s real you don’t i mean i’m like fuck yeah you what’s going on with you and i’m just wow see and just feeling it this dude shows up in front of my apartment And i sat down on the louver and bam i blew the zipper opening my two tight jeans ah what a sad state of affairs and so it’s a pet you ever ever blonde i Blend up your zipper big dude have you done it dude you got to go half mass with that zipper dude you gotta break off so they can’t look yet cuz we’re gonna be looking at your junk all right listen app i’m chi out of my mind i got a half-hour ride and my zippers down i’m just totally coming and i look up and i’m like what’s up by you what’s going on are you but just light-skinned dude from the middle east and i’m like kelvin where were you from but he’s like i’m swimming and i apologize for that accent i sound like drago and rocky for i understand that justice like you tell me i’m telling you talking about where you’re from is like in iran If they catch you with a woman that there’s not your sister or your mother and you have to marry boomer they’ll give you it was like fuck yeah we got 24 more minutes what else you got in taxi cabs much like you’re sitting in right now if you talk shit about the government then you record it they will tell the government The government will tell you where you live because we know and they’ll kill you what else – if you are not muslim you have to pretend to be muslim if you are really something else they will kill you yeah i was like what do you guys do that and he’s like we just like to steal that everything is good what the fuck like welcome to america good for you all right enjoy yourself fuck this guy gets it all right i’m like are you a you love it here it is like you must angeles no fuck this place and i’m like yeah i fucking get it all right good for you yeah They’re like are you gonna stay and he’s like i am moving like what were you what are you going and he goes i’m going to indianapolis in the And i’m like it’s fucking cold there man have you been do you know what that’s like any ghost a bit i love it? and i’m like why and he goes No, chinese no mexicans just black and white the way i like america what the fuck Dave a racist iranian guy we’re supposed to be punching nazis am i supposed to start with this fucking guy now He drops me off at the airport Now, i got to go through the tube we all got to go in with her hands were over her head our rights have been? taken away from us We get outside of the tube and the dudes like yo you got, to go back in the tube i’m like why he goes because your zippers broken I was like so what if he goes the machine doesn’t know what to do with a broken zipper it’s a million dollar machine there this thing does annointed it takes professional million dollar naked pictures and trains in with all the other machines like this my employees and their fucking on its own that feels like a you’ve got To go back in there where you get the extra backed up so now i’m waiting there this dude’s glove the fuck He’s all up in the waist he’s feeling it off he’s feeling it down To three minutes he was like a member of the cranberries he was just in there lingering i mean that’s fine? finally i got pissed and i was sweaty much like i look at this moment alright so two hundred people are watching me i’m pissed and i went fuck this i just lifted my shirt and my Undershirt up over my nipples and i dropped my pants all the way down to my ankles and i’m just standing there looking at this dude and he looks up at me he’s like you’re only making this weird on yourself I was like well remember who’s on their knees right now making $14 an hour working for the government how about that too much this is very where i can crowd i love this all right You guys might hate this but i don’t care all right it’s just fine i’m not freaked out by what’s happening in politics i’m not alright this is what i figured out presidents you’re like squirters once she lived through six or seven um it’s not that big of a deal i Know where i loaded two punching nazis it’s something that i’ve been talking about lately i’ve been punching nazis in 2018 are we doing that Are we deciding as a group that we’re gonna smash smash fascism is out what we’re doing we fought nazis in cleveland ohio because that’s where we keep nazis all right yeah Me and two of my buddies the bars let out in the white trash area i’m driving an isuzu rodeo its elise i’m not here to brag all right yeah me my zuzu rodeo – mike any of buddies in the backseat we see two nazis walking down the street they got beer bottles in their hand I’m like an older brother i know the fuck’s goin on i do this and i totally drove up to him my buddy talked a little bit of shit they started running after the truck i pulled the truck away from them they ran a little bit further there they threw their beer bottles and missed i kept driving away and they kept running first time they’d ever run finally seven minutes later we’ve left them a half mile floor we started and we’re bored okay and now we got to leave the party area in cleveland which means we have to be in a 400 yard long line to get out of this neighborhood it’s one green light to get out and it’s four lanes of cars waiting if we’re in the slow lane just chillin we’re high five and fuckin laughing fuck those nerds and then i look down the block and who’s coming at us at it those two fuckin nazis The fattest one got To the car first i don’t know how that works all right yeah? back To two hands on the back window boom, and rip the fuckin back window out of that rodeo on a fucking lease are you out of your mind right now i Looked at my buddy and i was like yoke that motherfucker up we’re gonna take him for a ride that’s real shit yeah When i left the house that day i didn’t think i was gonna try to kill anybody all right meeting my buddy hadn’t worked that out but he was in on it and he goes yup and he snatched that dude up and the best i mean we’re talking like around the neck Slammed his head into the window and i was like fuck yeah i hit the gas and i’m going up the curb cuz i’m gonna run this dude into a bank of america alright yeah yeah yeah this dude realizes he’s about to get merc so he drops his fat ass out of the headlock and we just leave the car running In park and these two dudes are running down the block and the three of us are chasing these dudes i’m in the back as When i run it looks like i’m making fun of running but we’re going So now you’re waking out of the right now we’re making a turbo going down the hill and catching these dudes we go in the alley My buddy picks up a brick and throws it off the back of this dude’s head he slides under a dumpster the other two runs Back up around the truck is wheel up his ass up in front of the bank of america i picked them up wwe style slam up into the window when the alarm goes off and it shatters all right yeah 400 no mortar all these stars waiting at the greenlighter no horn telling us what a good job were doing the light turns green the three of us jump in the car we drive down the sidewalk and we get away And we’ve got away because it was 1996 and nobody had a cell phone do you understand that don’t be a narc and trucks america that’s what i’m saying all right How are we doing here i know we got we got some parkour kids in here doing like this that’s fucking saw you walking it friends and family errands good you guys are getting your bills take care tip extra i know what it’s like to have a shit job i’ve got like 15 minutes left outside take care of that i used to i’m gonna stay i’m gonna keep this in a music thing i used to play guitar and a christian our core gasps that’s real realty we were dumb we were bringing the mosh for the glory of the lord that is real yeah When you’re on tour you’re living a van there’s five dudes in a band we were on tour with two other bands there’s 15 of? us and at the end of the show we would need a place to stay and if there was nobody was nice enough feel like if you guys watch this show and you’re Like hey you want to let the sweaty manniac live in my basement for the night they’re like no you wouldn’t all right you wouldn’t except the one drunk guy who was left his name was randy and randy was lego drunk if you know what lego drunk is swear feet are planted into the ground and they move in your upper body just goes back and forth They looked at easton he goes yeah i want to stay in my house i live in the everglades you mean the fucking everglades in the middle of nowhere where the alligators in shit he’s lying he up and i was like fuck yeah We want to go to the everything let’s go He jumps in our van now we got a caravan of three vans him and the 15 of us four-lane highway two-lane highway single lane road Dirt road to a sand road you ever seen a sand road dude past a mailbox before they had invented writing like one of that shit’s do we wind down the sand road at the end is a shack Y’all seen friday the 13th one through all of them all right When they’re gonna get murdered in the woods that jason lives in even though he’s been killing people his whole life They always think to go run in the first place and he’s gonna look that shack that’s where this dude lived all right yeah yeah yeah we walked inside of this dude’s house this dude didn’t i own a light bulb that was not read do you understand that all right yeah He was creepy as shit silence in the land style and now through the rent lights we’re looking at one side is all nazi memorabilia what the fuck is going on we looked on the other wall it’s all velvet paintings of naked black chicks what the fuck are we doing here He’s like y’all wanna tour the house fuck yeah we want to tour the house Took, us to his bedroom first like a real weirdo all right yeah this dude owns a sex swing one of those eyebolt ones that goes in the ceiling he’s showing us around i’m leaning on it to see what kind of weight it will take The jeep disappears into a secondary room and we hear him yell from the other side hey y’all want to shoot, some guns Fuck yeah we want to shoot, some fucking Do you know buddy guns he had we all had a gun that’s how many guns he had He loves us all into his kitchen loves all the guns Handsome to one of us that we’ve kept just routine metal as with guns over our shoulders like this go weirdest posse known to mankind this dude’s got an ar-15 With a banana clip hanging on it with a tape and one going the other way and he’s standing his kitchen on these like oh? My yo we gonna shoot in the backyard he’s like no man kicks the back door opening 30 bullets out of an ar-15 from his kitchen waiting hellfire over those trees when he’s done he looks back out of the truck shady grid and were horrified Dude who lives over there meeting us oh man don’t worry about them they’re just poor people like do we live in a van do you understand that all right my buddy goes next he’s not pump shot ii got a catchphrase i’m pissed because that’s what i was gonna say i Got a clock i stepped to the door leg i got this thing turned sideways because i was raised on duck huntin and wh? making real noise i’m yelling we were ready to help fire out of the students kitchen for 45 minutes At the end of two looks anise casings on the ground it goes y’all want to play heavy metal in my family your family room in the middle of the everglades with the guns smoke billowing in it with nazi memorabilia and naked black chicks fuck yeah i want to play heavy metal in their family room i Ran outside to get the gear out of the trailer and there’s a flashlight Coming down the way and i’m like oh good somebody’s coming to help and i look past the flashlight and there is a daytona sheriff all behind and underneath that flashlight so i pull the fucker on the ground right now Put your hands up but do not make the move he’s got his knee in my back he’s gonna gun the back of my head this is this point on if you’ve ever prayed for anything all right But you gotta pray from your balls that’s how that works all right But you think this’ll i what you believe in your heart is more real and your gut is the truth all right you know those? Moments when you need it you got to pray from beneath that all right so i’m on the ground and i’m looking up to two dudes swat jews and ghillie suits are coming out of the trees cop cars and paddy wagons are coming down the sand road a flood flood light comes on the front of the house and the dude yells out i want everyone to drop their weapons and come out with their hands up after another and all you hear in the house is guns clanking on top of other gun the door kicks up and like at wwe your entrance and one scared christian metal and after another repairs in the smoke they line us all up in a row They start interviewing us and we all look the same we’re all wearing camouflage shorts and metal t-shirt on that’s just the uniform that we’ve had i wore it at 83 i’ve worn in 93 i’ve worn it at o 3 i’ve been old harridan 13 and i’ll wear it at fucking tomorrow all right like zuckerberg who can fight alright that’s it all right yeah So now we’re all in the line we’re going To interview it and everything and so they’re just like I’m at the by the way back in the la i forgot to tell you this is 30 days after 9/11 in 2001 we probably should not have pictured guns in florida i’m wearing at each numeral an alien gonzales got booted out of florida and sent back to cuba Well i had a t-shirt on that’s aliens uncle holding him like this with the sas shock trooper gun to his head On the t-shirt it says i’m from the government i’m here to help you over the car The cops like are you in a militia Are you in the gang are you a terrorist and i was like no sir i’m just bunk rock the interviewed all of us one of the best canada they were afraid to get deported and then they had this all lined up the 15 of us and that’s when the watch commanders showed up to do with the flat hat like from like full metal jacket the guy yells at you and he’s doing the slow walk and he’s looking us up and down and he’s doing that head shake we’re like y’all our lives are over and i did not stop praying from that point this whole time just get be out of this all right whatever happens i’m down to ride i’ll give up anything all right just give me a chance and when that watch commander got, to the end to drunk ass randy who is still in 2-foot, lego boat at the end He stopped and he took off his hat real slow when he shook his head and he leaned in a cave randy a big ass hug and he said randy look give your guns back tomorrow just like we had the last time So if we do turn into a police state i’m moving, to florida alright that’s real all right still america down there hope you all had a good time tonight if you would enjoying yourself a question oh you’re amazing Do we have a shrew people We’re gonna get it legalized i think it’s the only thing that’s gonna save us from the gun problem and i tell you i’ve owned guns and i’ve not own guns and whatever your american opinion of it is your fucking american Tell anybody how to do anything, okay just be safe and if you can if you want this beautiful chemical to come inside of your body a sport from here and it will show up all right A lot of people ask me they’re like what’s the like what was the quintessential like shroom experience that you had they changed it all for you and it was a friend it was just a month ago somebody asked us and i had really just told the story so i figured you know what i might as well doing here in front of you folks could you’re amazing all right when i was in the house in dallas after i had not committed Suicide i had gone to therapy and i had learned about being president and none of it was working and i was like well you know what let’s find some dmt let’s do a bunch of psychedelics let’s figure out what’s out there Let’s figure out what it was about me that i hated so much that i didn’t want to be here anymore let’s see what the? other thing was we were having a party one night in my house and i had about 40 people downstairs just raging and upstairs i was lying in my bed and just my underwear six grams of chocolate shrooms going through my body noise cancelling headphones had a blindfold over i was in almost sensory deprivation just lying there in the hole just experience of just beautiful colors in infinite space and then i found myself and like a galactic hallway which look like a star trek i’d say look like a hospital it’s like a hospital and there was a bunch of insects working down here they seemed important and i’ll just pay attention to it and just breathe and relax in the Experience and i was going further down the hallway and there was a double door at the end and there was another door that was open here and i was looking at it i could see a hospital bed and as i kept going and i kept Realizing like y’all i’m in that bed right now and a voice from somewhere else told me if you want to go you can go We have more work for you to do somewhere else yeah And i thought about i was like no, no, no, no no no it’s, so much more i want to do here figure out how To be happy yeah what the fuck’s going on i got to tell my mom i love her i got To make, some phone calls all right and then i tried to come back out of that reality and i was stuck in between planes i was not attached to any reality at that point i was like holy shit i’m disappearing i’m gonna die in my tighty-whities i ran down the steps inside of the middle of the party with 40 people raging their balls off in there downstairs and i ran into the middle of it yank The cord out of the stereo and it was like her and i was like i’m pretty sure i’m gonna die don’t call the cops and i ran back upstairs My wife runs up back to me at the time it’s just like what the fuck’s going on and i’m like i don’t think i’m In between dimensions right now i think i’m gonna die You have to pray over me we please pray over me and she’s like i guess whatever and she put a flower in my hand which both disintegrated into grey right in front of us And she started grating her balls off right in front of that and she was bringing in spanish so i knew it was going to work But i came back To the world and the lightbulb came out of my hand and i realized that i was all attached? And tell that story so i can tell this one once i had had that experience I wanted to take more and i wanted to go deeper And i decided that i was gonna do 7 grams and go to bikram yoga that’s real in north dallas And i had time the shrooms so they i forget a peak in the middle of my yoga practice because, why not fucking go all the way right it probably doesn’t surprise you that i spend about 40 hours a week sitting in my backyard just looking around And i have a popsicle problem those little orange ones and the red and the purple 215 calorie 24 to a box i can eat two boxes 72 hours i’m gonna share my smokes pot i chill out i engage my core i got my orange popsicle a little jasmine incense in my nose holes’ i’m feeling it the jasmine out i’ll tell you one thing if that dude doesn’t come back we all get it all right it turns off millions and millions of years of prehistoric fight-or-flight programming in our heads and we come in a state of acceptance with that beautiful incense and i’m in my backyard Core is engaged and that’s what i moved to the red popsicle and now i’ve got the red popsicle and i’ve got the beautiful purple incense and now i’m just chilling watching the life crashed through these trees trying to figure out reality what is it about these trees that they got it locked in when it trees just a giving spirit it just gives off heat and oxygen and wood and paper howard how is our human spirit different than a tree should we be acting like a tree i’m squinting and that’s when i can realize and break down reality of pointed to pixelated tmt level when it’s at that point i Close my eyes here’s there’s no more lies coming in here and then i moved to the purple popsicle and now i’ve got the purple popsicle the jasmine incense my core is engaged and i’m feeling it and on that right day in my backyard if you’re paying attention you can hear my neighbor’s fuck but that’s a whole other thing when i was flying in bikram yoga peaking out of my mind on these seven grams and just, been heat and understanding like why do we even judge temperature just, temperature itself and i’m just breathing and pouring water on myself and then in the middle of it the teacher takes a Break, and she goes oh by the way there’s not going To be an after hang like we normally do i have to lock up and you all have to leave and my eyes open up And i realized it i gotta get home in this state And i would say never drink and drive don’t don’t do it all right but i was a post suicidal moron and i didn’t know any better all right and after that class went out i was still in it and i got behind the wheel of my It was a grand marquis at the time i’m not trying to brag okay yeah thank you thank you one of those extra-long cop cars down and i’m driving look behind me there’s a cop and that cops getting closer and now i’m looking at my own Eyeballs in the rearview mirror and i’m like what the fuck is going on all right these things are huge all right now and now i go oh well there’s a gas station over here i’m just gonna pull over and pretend like i’m getting something and then i went into the determine from the gas station parking lot and pulled in front and the cop car went with me And then i forgot why i pulled into the name and i just sat there and waited and i look back in the rearview mirror and i’m just looking at my red sox logos on the back of my windshield i’m like oh this is good and then beyond that i see the pop behind me and i’m like oh i gotta go again and so i left and i did the world’s worst three-point u-turn which is illegal and the whip up and the thing came on and i went right back into the parking lot where i was And now i’m looking at my rearview mirror my eyes are ginormous all right the red and the blue lights are flashing off um disco style and like i said i hadn’t have that point of praying and so in my brain i’m just like get me the fuck out of this i don’t know how this is gonna work Whatever you need to do please god get me out of this do not get me in trouble in this moment and that’s when there was a rap on the door bang bang bang it was a lady lady cop on one side lady cop on The other i roll down the window and i was like hey what’s going on she goes? You, know trouble there with u-turn didn’t you know and i was like yeah you know this cars off She looked she had a flashlight in my eyes and she’s like are you alright and i was like yeah, i just, came back from bikram yoga which, she had no idea what that was so in my state she just thought that’s what that looked like because i’m fucking awesome And so now i mean that look Ah! Here’s my license here’s my registration please get me out of this please get me out of this and time is slowing down and the mushrooms are kicking it even more and more and more and i’m just barely maintaining at this point and she comes back bang bang bang she goes look i’m gonna let you off with a warning i want you, to know just to be careful and get home safe and i was like and just that feeling of deliverance just came through me I’ll never do this again and i breathed and not two seconds later crunch-crunch-crunch on the other side even harder bang bang bang and it was her partner and she lowered the window of my car i looked at her like what’s going on She goes i just want you to know that The love of my life the woman that’s at home waiting for me is it diehard red sox fan and if she would have known that i pulled over a fellow fan i would be getting laid tonight and then let me go that is thank you very much I’m john toll thank you so much you’re amazing god bless you so much thank you Thank you so much for coming out I’m gonna be out in the back i’ve got Buttons and koozies or whatever i’m just doing a donation whatever you have if you want to do it take it the here’s here’s the thing the bad news is i’m done and i gotta go the good news is we just recorded an album how about that So thank you very much comedy works thank you denver i love you and god bless

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *