-People will often ask me
this question — “How do you come up
with the jokes that you tell in the monologue
every night?” And I’m always happy to tell
people about our process, because I’m really proud of it. I think it’s very different. You see,
on other late-night shows, the way it works is, is the writers
will read the news, and then they will write jokes that correspond
to those news stories — punch lines for those stories. But our writers, they come up
with their punch lines first, independent
of reading the news at all. [ Laughter ] Then they write
those punch lines down on little pieces of scrap paper, and they throw them
into something we call… the joke bucket. Then, when something happens
in the news that I need a joke for, I read through the punch lines until I find one
that goes with that story. Now, we’ve showed this process
to our audience before, and now we thought
we’d do it again. It’s time, of course,
to write new jokes. So, here are my story cards. These are news stories. And let’s get started.
Here we go. Southwest Airlines announced
they will still allow passengers to fly with
emotional support cats and dogs. Okay. Good story. Let’s find a punch line
that fits it. Said the NASA proctologist,
“Let’s get a look at Uranus.” Not for this.
[ Laughter ] “‘Whatever you do,
don’t look at my trunk,’ said the coked-up elephant.’ Nope.
Not bad, but not for this. Here we go. Southwest Airlines announced
they will still allow passengers to fly with emotional support
cats and dogs… “Because no one needs
emotional support more than people
flying Southwest.” There we go! [ Cheers and applause ]
That should do! So, what do we do? Whenever we complete a joke, we staple
the two parts together. We stamp it
with my seal of approval. And we ring the joke bell.
[ Bell dings ] Then I take it, and I put it
in my completed joke bucket. There you go.
That is our system. A lot of people ask me, “Why do you show audience
how you write your jokes?” And I say to them,
“It was either this or a segment called
‘Ducks Dressed as Politicians.'” And now that I say the “Ducks
Dressed as Politicians” thing out loud, I think we should have gone
with the ducks. -Whoo!
[ Laughter and applause ] -Hindsight is 20/20.
These buckets got the funny. And I got to make mo’ money,
mo’ money, mo’ money. [ Light laughter ]
Back to the jokes! [ Laughter ] According to “Business Insider,” Apple could release its own line
of cars by the year 2023. Okay. Good setup. Let’s find a punch line.
Here we go. “And then the beaver looked up
and said, ‘Daaam!'” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] [ Laughter continues ] “And all the Chipotle customers
lived crappily ever after.” [ Laughter ] According to “Business Insider,” Apple could release its own line
of cars by the year 2023… “Which means, by 2024, we could all have
totally useless Apple cars.” There you go!
[ Cheers and applause ] That’s the joke. So, what do we do, everybody? We staple it. We stamp it.
-We stamp it. -We ring the joke bell.
-We ring the joke bell. [ Bell dings ] We take a shot of Joke Daniel’s. [ Cheers and applause ] And then I pour a little water
into my joke plant. [ Laughter ] [ Slide whistle plays
ascending notes ] -[ Farts ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] [ Laughter continues ] If you’re —
If you’re wondering — if you’re curious
about the technology behind the joke flower, there is a man
lying underneath it. [ Laughter ] And no one told me that
before rehearsal, and it scared the [bleep]
out of me. [ Laughter ] Great job, Lou. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Give it up for Lou, everybody. [ Cheers and applause continue ]
[ Laughs ] [ Applause ] No, ’cause he can’t leave.
[ Laughter ] So, now,
the rest of this whole thing… there’s a man there. [ Laughter ] Time for one more joke! The Rockefeller Center
Christmas Tree was recently lit. All right.
Here we go. Whoops.
[ Light laughter ] “Said the Pokémon accountant,
‘Let me take a Pikachu taxes.'” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] “Said the Vi– the Vi–”
[ Laughs ] “Then the Viagra salesman
texted, ‘You up?'” [ Laughter ] Oh! Oh, no! Oh, this is very unplanned! [ Light laughter ] [ Laughing ] We’re out —
We’re out of jokes, you guys. I just remembered — I know where I can get
a new punch line — the “Late Night” joke
Christmas tree lot. Be right back, Lou! [ Festive music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -[ Chuckling ] Hey.
-Hey. -Hey there, champ.
-Hey. -Welcome to the “Late Night”
joke Christmas tree lot, where our jokes
are “pine” as hell. [ Light laughter ]
You get a joke here, and your friends
will be “evergreen” with envy. Looking for a joke?
-Yeah, yeah. I’m trying to fit a joke into
a 5-to-6-minute comedy segment. -Oh, a popular one?
-No. [ Laughter ] Lot of effort.
Not a ton of payout. -[ Chuckling ] Well… Well, we got a whole row
of joke trees here. And I’ve got to admit —
these are tree-mendously funny, and you’d have to be a real sap to “leaf” here
without one of them. -You suck, and I hate you.
[ Laughter ] -Hey, oh, come on.
I’m just needling you. [ Laughter ]
-Ahh! Ahh! -It’s Christmas! -I’m gonna take that one
right there. -Oh, what a beauty. Let me just get
that puppy for you. -Okay. Great.
-[ Grunts ] -Okay.
-Here we go. [ Whirring ] [ Laughter ]
-All right. -All right. Want me to tie this
to the roof of your car? -Oh, no.
My fingers are fine. -All right. Put that right there. -Okay. -♪ Silent night, holy night ♪ -Oho, oh! [ Laughter ]
-Oh. -Hey, merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas. Have a happy Ha-ha Day.
[ Cheers and applause ] -All right. [ Cheers and applause continue ] The Rockefeller Christmas Tree
was recently lit. “And based on the amount of pee
I stepped in on the way to work, so were the tourists!” Boom!
[ Laughter and applause ] That is a joke. So we — everybody… we staple it.
-We staple it. -We stamp it.
-We stamp it. -We ring the joke bell.
-We ring the joke bell. [ Bell dings ]
I roundhouse kick a gong. [ Gong clashes ]
[ Cheers and applause ] And then… we see a photo of
a duck dressed as a politician. Mitch McConduck!
[ Cheers and applause ] That’s how we do it.
This has been “Joke Bucket.”