Laughter is the Best Medicine

Joke Bucket: Apple’s Own Line of Cars, Late Night Joke Christmas Tree Lot

-People will often ask me
this question — “How do you come up
with the jokes that you tell in the monologue
every night?” And I’m always happy to tell
people about our process, because I’m really proud of it. I think it’s very different. You see,
on other late-night shows, the way it works is, is the writers
will read the news, and then they will write jokes that correspond
to those news stories — punch lines for those stories. But our writers, they come up
with their punch lines first, independent
of reading the news at all. [ Laughter ] Then they write
those punch lines down on little pieces of scrap paper, and they throw them
into something we call… the joke bucket. Then, when something happens
in the news that I need a joke for, I read through the punch lines until I find one
that goes with that story. Now, we’ve showed this process
to our audience before, and now we thought
we’d do it again. It’s time, of course,
to write new jokes. So, here are my story cards. These are news stories. And let’s get started.
Here we go. Southwest Airlines announced
they will still allow passengers to fly with
emotional support cats and dogs. Okay. Good story. Let’s find a punch line
that fits it. Said the NASA proctologist,
“Let’s get a look at Uranus.” Not for this.
[ Laughter ] “‘Whatever you do,
don’t look at my trunk,’ said the coked-up elephant.’ Nope.
Not bad, but not for this. Here we go. Southwest Airlines announced
they will still allow passengers to fly with emotional support
cats and dogs… “Because no one needs
emotional support more than people
flying Southwest.” There we go! [ Cheers and applause ]
That should do! So, what do we do? Whenever we complete a joke, we staple
the two parts together. We stamp it
with my seal of approval. And we ring the joke bell.
[ Bell dings ] Then I take it, and I put it
in my completed joke bucket. There you go.
That is our system. A lot of people ask me, “Why do you show audience
how you write your jokes?” And I say to them,
“It was either this or a segment called
‘Ducks Dressed as Politicians.'” And now that I say the “Ducks
Dressed as Politicians” thing out loud, I think we should have gone
with the ducks. -Whoo!
[ Laughter and applause ] -Hindsight is 20/20.
These buckets got the funny. And I got to make mo’ money,
mo’ money, mo’ money. [ Light laughter ]
Back to the jokes! [ Laughter ] According to “Business Insider,” Apple could release its own line
of cars by the year 2023. Okay. Good setup. Let’s find a punch line.
Here we go. “And then the beaver looked up
and said, ‘Daaam!'” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] [ Laughter continues ] “And all the Chipotle customers
lived crappily ever after.” [ Laughter ] According to “Business Insider,” Apple could release its own line
of cars by the year 2023… “Which means, by 2024, we could all have
totally useless Apple cars.” There you go!
[ Cheers and applause ] That’s the joke. So, what do we do, everybody? We staple it. We stamp it.
-We stamp it. -We ring the joke bell.
-We ring the joke bell. [ Bell dings ] We take a shot of Joke Daniel’s. [ Cheers and applause ] And then I pour a little water
into my joke plant. [ Laughter ] [ Slide whistle plays
ascending notes ] -[ Farts ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] [ Laughter continues ] If you’re —
If you’re wondering — if you’re curious
about the technology behind the joke flower, there is a man
lying underneath it. [ Laughter ] And no one told me that
before rehearsal, and it scared the [bleep]
out of me. [ Laughter ] Great job, Lou. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Give it up for Lou, everybody. [ Cheers and applause continue ]
[ Laughs ] [ Applause ] No, ’cause he can’t leave.
[ Laughter ] So, now,
the rest of this whole thing… there’s a man there. [ Laughter ] Time for one more joke! The Rockefeller Center
Christmas Tree was recently lit. All right.
Here we go. Whoops.
[ Light laughter ] “Said the Pokémon accountant,
‘Let me take a Pikachu taxes.'” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] “Said the Vi– the Vi–”
[ Laughs ] “Then the Viagra salesman
texted, ‘You up?'” [ Laughter ] Oh! Oh, no! Oh, this is very unplanned! [ Light laughter ] [ Laughing ] We’re out —
We’re out of jokes, you guys. I just remembered — I know where I can get
a new punch line — the “Late Night” joke
Christmas tree lot. Be right back, Lou! [ Festive music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -[ Chuckling ] Hey.
-Hey. -Hey there, champ.
-Hey. -Welcome to the “Late Night”
joke Christmas tree lot, where our jokes
are “pine” as hell. [ Light laughter ]
You get a joke here, and your friends
will be “evergreen” with envy. Looking for a joke?
-Yeah, yeah. I’m trying to fit a joke into
a 5-to-6-minute comedy segment. -Oh, a popular one?
-No. [ Laughter ] Lot of effort.
Not a ton of payout. -[ Chuckling ] Well… Well, we got a whole row
of joke trees here. And I’ve got to admit —
these are tree-mendously funny, and you’d have to be a real sap to “leaf” here
without one of them. -You suck, and I hate you.
[ Laughter ] -Hey, oh, come on.
I’m just needling you. [ Laughter ]
-Ahh! Ahh! -It’s Christmas! -I’m gonna take that one
right there. -Oh, what a beauty. Let me just get
that puppy for you. -Okay. Great.
-[ Grunts ] -Okay.
-Here we go. [ Whirring ] [ Laughter ]
-All right. -All right. Want me to tie this
to the roof of your car? -Oh, no.
My fingers are fine. -All right. Put that right there. -Okay. -♪ Silent night, holy night ♪ -Oho, oh! [ Laughter ]
-Oh. -Hey, merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas. Have a happy Ha-ha Day.
[ Cheers and applause ] -All right. [ Cheers and applause continue ] The Rockefeller Christmas Tree
was recently lit. “And based on the amount of pee
I stepped in on the way to work, so were the tourists!” Boom!
[ Laughter and applause ] That is a joke. So we — everybody… we staple it.
-We staple it. -We stamp it.
-We stamp it. -We ring the joke bell.
-We ring the joke bell. [ Bell dings ]
I roundhouse kick a gong. [ Gong clashes ]
[ Cheers and applause ] And then… we see a photo of
a duck dressed as a politician. Mitch McConduck!
[ Cheers and applause ] That’s how we do it.
This has been “Joke Bucket.”

100 thoughts on “Joke Bucket: Apple’s Own Line of Cars, Late Night Joke Christmas Tree Lot

  1. Yikes……you know when you have watched enough to commit to the end but you are convinced the silly bit a minute in was probably the best bit………….

  2. I can just imagine little Seth and his brother doing this bit in their PJs in their living room for their parents on Christmas. 😀

  3. Christmas break can't come fast enough for you guys, can it? Shoulda called it the Joke Barrel cos you scrapin' the bottom right now.

  4. I love that Seth and his team are willing to take chances on different types of bits like these. Beats the hell out of Colbert and his 'all Trump all the time' boring AF shtick.

  5. "First we make up the jokes, then we see which news corroborate them."
    Now, why does that ring a bell?
    Sounds like "alternative jokes" to me.

  6. Yeah: except the punchlines that he uses aren't punchlines until they are appended to the setups!

    Also he transparently has all the punchlines on the autocue, so… uh, yeah, of course it's all scripted. But still very funny (even if it's all "Dad jokes" 🙂 🙂 🙂

  7. I hate I liked that. "this took a lot of effort, not much payout." the effort combined with his reaction to everything is what made it so damn good.

  8. I generally like Seth Meyers, but this sounds like a bad ripoff of Johnny Carson's Amazing Karnac [pardon the spelling] skit.

  9. In case you're wondering: That was a real shot of whiskey, and they did a couple dozen takes. It just got better after every take, so there was no reason to stop.

  10. Just wondering: could one of the previously discarded punchlines have been a good (or better) fit for the last joke set-up?

  11. Omg the moment where Lutz starts singing 😂😂😂 This is the funniest and most unrepentantly stupid thing I've seen all day. Happy holidays to the folks at LNSM!

  12. Why is multiculturalism foisted on EVERY White country and ONLY on White countries? Why aren't ANY White countries permitted to maintain their own race and culture? This is not done to any non-White country.
    Assimilation and integration are foisted ONLY on White countries.
    They call this anti-racist, but the end result is the elimination of only one race, the White race.
    Multiculturalism is a codeword for White genocide.
    Anti-racist is a codeword for anti-White.

  13. I love the way Seth keeps reading what is on the paper, before he looks at the paper.

    Methinks paper is blank and words are on teleprompter 🙂

  14. On Just About Everything That Annoys Me, "mikiri this and form a strategy":
    Personally, I am sick and tired of common language misconceptions like that broad category of engineering which is more akin to physics or chemistry and of those villains of the Devil who is actually more akin to world authority and secrecy in the world in information. I am sick of those misconceptions of authority in the English classics and painters or artists. I am sick of the misconception that the maths are not more like a philosophy, when in fact, they are the original philosophy and not these modern psychology types. I am sick of those misconceptions that trades like machining and other shop varieties are for dullards and class clowns with no other potential. I am sick of those battle misconceptions where the military is of the same and battle has no nobility or honor or high logic. I am sick of entertainment stereotypes where viewers are fans and a bad show reflects on the viewer, or a personal choice is a reason for hire at a business establishment, or where you are counted for the other viewers at the show. I am sick of brand names running bogus traditions that guarantee sales and not quality. I am sick of work automatons with zero emotional quality getting in the way of personal movements. I am sick of mental illness stigma where we are all a single type and the same, when in fact, we are a diverse people including the educated and not a form of insanity…Thanx for the parking.

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