Laughter is the Best Medicine

Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Billy Graham, International Women’s Day

♪♪♪♪ -These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny. -I’m black!
-And I’m gay! -And we’re both women! -And I’m not!
So here’s how this works. I will read the setup
for these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here we go. New York University
came under fire last month when their cafeteria
served watermelon water to celebrate
Black History Month. -Said black people,
“I’m offended! That there’s not
more sugar in this.” [ Laughter ] -An out lesbian
recently competed on Belgium’s Olympic
skeleton team. -Because if there’s one thing
lesbians excel at, it’s going down headfirst. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Jenny,
did you watch the Olympics? -I watched women’s hockey! -Oh, great. Like, with
a big group of friends? -No. Alone. With candles. [ Laughter ] -Hockey? -[ Laughs ] -A group of black parents is suing a New Jersey
school district for allegedly segregating
black students. -Officials became suspicious when one school
won every track meet. -Amber, did you do
a sport growing up? -Yeah! I did gymnastics! They even had
a fun nickname for me. -Oh, yeah, what was that? -“The black girl
who does gymnastics.” -Okay. Got it. A Catholic school in Michigan recently fired their
lesbian softball coach. -I got news for that school. You replaced her with
a lesbian softball coach. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Jenny,
do you like softball? -Oh, just parts of it.
-Oh, which parts? -Third base. [ Laughter ] -“Clueless” star Stacey Dash is
reportedly running for Congress. -“Stacey who?” said black people
who know exactly who she is. [ Laughter ] -A female entrepreneur
has created a vacation resort where no men are allowed. -Women who visit can enjoy
activities like snorkeling and finishing
their own sentences. -All right. Nice one. -And you know what I mean
by “snorkeling,” Seth. -Jenny! -I mean looking
at tropical fish. -Oh, I’m sorry. -And by “tropical fish,”
I mean — -Jenny! -[ Laughing ] -A NASCAR pit crew has hired
its first black tire-changer. -Said NASCAR drivers,
“Hey! My hub caps!” [ Laughter ] -Famously anti-gay pastor
Billy Graham passed away last month. -And I like to think he’s
looking up at us right now. [ Audience ohhs ] [ Applause ] -You got some oohs there.
-Yeah, a few oohs. I think his ghost was here,
and it is also homophobic. -Oh. Okay. -Hey, Seth,
why don’t you tell one? -Oh, I don’t think
it’s a good idea, guys! -Oh, come on. Just one! -I don’t feel like
this will end well. -Please?!
-Please?! -Uhh…okay! Okay. Today is
International Women’s Day. International Women’s Day is like a regular day,
but less rational. -[ Gasps] -How dare you! -You told me it would be okay! -You should be
ashamed of yourself! -You promised me! Black women and lesbians
are liars! ♪♪♪♪ We’ll be right back with
Reese Witherspoon, everyone.

100 thoughts on “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Billy Graham, International Women’s Day

  1. Amber is lookin super cute. I love hee hair and dress, and Jenny's curls and jacket are gureato! But this segment is my favorite of all time.

  2. I wouldn't mind if these were once a week. I love the boundaries this series pushes. At the same time, I think it allows different groups of people to come together and just laugh.

  3. 1) This one was most excellent. I always end up giggling like a little kid.
    2) I freaking LOVE Amber's hair here.

  4. Thanks Jenny for the bit about watching women’s hockey alone with candles… it’s nice to feel represented on tv!

  5. Seth- you fall for this every time! At some point we have to wonder how many times frisbee tricks you into giving her a treat because you just won't catch on that she will never go get the ball.

  6. I like this segment but they could come up with another way for the end where Seth tells a joke, that part is getting old… I mean it got old after the second time, died at the third, and now it's basically just a ghost.

  7. In case you missed the point of this segment, yes, people treat jokes differently depending on who tells it. There are haters out there who flock to comment 'not funny' for female comedians who mention a few jokes about their vagina, but hypocritically say 'hilarious' for men who tell nothing but dick jokes.

  8. He was not an anti-gay pastor…He was a pastor who believed that homosexuality is a sin. Like all other Christians… it has nothing to do with people who identify as gay, and honestly, we don't hate nor fear anyone who is gay(that would constitute a phobia), but we still hold on to our beliefs about homosexuality. Truthfully I'm not expecting kindness and understanding. But just wanted to say that anyways

  9. My first roommate in college was a softball player, and she would Skype with her girlfriend about the drama flying on the team. Long story short: the stereotypes are true.

  10. For some reason, doesn’t show me these until several months have passed. What would happen if Daniel Tosh were to join you for this segment?

  11. This is the cutest segment in the whole of late night and by late night i mean including all late night talk shows.

  12. down the Rabbit hole, I'm 14 in and don't know how I even got here…..they go by so fast, I'm laughing so much it's all a fuzzy funny blurr…..

  13. Can we all please just take a moment to appreciate how mercilessly, hysterically, savage these brilliant women are at what they do.

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