♪♪♪♪ -These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny. -I’m black!
-And I’m gay! -And we’re both women! -And I’m not!
So here’s how this works. I will read the setup
for these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here we go. New York University
came under fire last month when their cafeteria
served watermelon water to celebrate
Black History Month. -Said black people,
“I’m offended! That there’s not
more sugar in this.” [ Laughter ] -An out lesbian
recently competed on Belgium’s Olympic
skeleton team. -Because if there’s one thing
lesbians excel at, it’s going down headfirst. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Jenny,
did you watch the Olympics? -I watched women’s hockey! -Oh, great. Like, with
a big group of friends? -No. Alone. With candles. [ Laughter ] -Hockey? -[ Laughs ] -A group of black parents is suing a New Jersey
school district for allegedly segregating
black students. -Officials became suspicious when one school
won every track meet. -Amber, did you do
a sport growing up? -Yeah! I did gymnastics! They even had
a fun nickname for me. -Oh, yeah, what was that? -“The black girl
who does gymnastics.” -Okay. Got it. A Catholic school in Michigan recently fired their
lesbian softball coach. -I got news for that school. You replaced her with
a lesbian softball coach. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Jenny,
do you like softball? -Oh, just parts of it.
-Oh, which parts? -Third base. [ Laughter ] -“Clueless” star Stacey Dash is
reportedly running for Congress. -“Stacey who?” said black people
who know exactly who she is. [ Laughter ] -A female entrepreneur
has created a vacation resort where no men are allowed. -Women who visit can enjoy
activities like snorkeling and finishing
their own sentences. -All right. Nice one. -And you know what I mean
by “snorkeling,” Seth. -Jenny! -I mean looking
at tropical fish. -Oh, I’m sorry. -And by “tropical fish,”
I mean — -Jenny! -[ Laughing ] -A NASCAR pit crew has hired
its first black tire-changer. -Said NASCAR drivers,
“Hey! My hub caps!” [ Laughter ] -Famously anti-gay pastor
Billy Graham passed away last month. -And I like to think he’s
looking up at us right now. [ Audience ohhs ] [ Applause ] -You got some oohs there.
-Yeah, a few oohs. I think his ghost was here,
and it is also homophobic. -Oh. Okay. -Hey, Seth,
why don’t you tell one? -Oh, I don’t think
it’s a good idea, guys! -Oh, come on. Just one! -I don’t feel like
this will end well. -Please?!
-Please?! -Uhh…okay! Okay. Today is
International Women’s Day. International Women’s Day is like a regular day,
but less rational. -[ Gasps] -How dare you! -You told me it would be okay! -You should be
ashamed of yourself! -You promised me! Black women and lesbians
are liars! ♪♪♪♪ We’ll be right back with
Reese Witherspoon, everyone.