here at “Late Night,” every night
I deliver a monologue. That monologue is
comprised of jokes written by our very diverse
team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that, due to being
a straight white male, would be difficult
for me to deliver. But we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them, so we’d like to share them with
you now, in a segment called “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” ♪♪ These are two of our writers,
everybody. That’s Amber. That’s Jenny. -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And also women. [ Laughter ] -Okay.
I’ll get it next time. -We’ve only done this bit
7,000 times. [ Laughter ] Which one did you
think you were? [ Indistinct talking ] -“And we’re both women.”
That’s not my line? [ Laughter ] Got to be clearer
on the cards. All right, guys,
here’s how this works — once I stop
being interrupted. [ Laughter ] I’ll read the setups
for these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here we go. “Designer brand
Yves Saint Laurent has released
a new line of jewelry that includes
penis earrings.” -“Said lesbians —
‘Ugh, earrings.'” [ Laughter ] -“A Democratic pollster
said recently that there was
a significant gap in how white women
and black women voted in the midterm elections.” -“For example — black women
went to their polling places.” -“And white women
called the cops on them.” [ Laughter ] -“On New Year’s Day,
the LA Clippers hosted an LGBT
Pride Night.” -“But it was mostly Ls.” [ Laughter ] -“The ACLU
has filed a lawsuit on behalf of
a Philadelphia-born man who says he was detained
for three weeks while ICE agents tried to
deport him to Jamaica.” -“Said black people — ‘Y’all giving pout
free trips to Jamaica?'” [ Laughter ] -Amber, have you ever
been to Jamaica? -No. But I have braided
a white lady’s hair, so I’m practically
Jamaican. -Which white lady?
-That one. -How do I look?
-White. [ Laughter ] -“Scottish Parliament
officially changed the name of ‘gingerbread men’
to ‘gingerbread people’ to make them
gender-neutral.” -“And that’s great.
But they leave crumbs everywhere and they don’t wear pants, so
I’m pretty sure they’re men.” [ Laughter ] -“According to a recent article,
a movie is in the works about the life of
Rosa Parks.” -“The article was originally
on the front page, but it was asked to move
to the back.” [ Crowd “oh”s ] [ Laughter ] -I think I could have
told that one. [ Laughter ] “A state senator
from Colorado resigned recently
amid accusations that he frequently used
the women’s restroom at work.” -“Officials became suspicious
when he was suddenly up on all
the office gossip.” -Oh, so, women really gossip
in the restroom? -Yes. Where do you think
Amber and I talk about you? -Right in front of my face. -That’s true.
-We also do that. I think he’s gained weight.
-He’s eating his feelings. -I can hear you. And it’s muscle. [ Laughter ] “According to a recent article,
a restaurant in Japan has started selling a new line
of girl’s-hair-flavored fried chicken.” -“Said black people… ‘Let me try it.'” [ Light laughter ] -You’d eat that?
-I don’t know. My hair smells like coconut oil.
It’d probably taste great. -“Rapper Post Malone announced
that he has designed a special pair of Crocs.” -“Said lesbians —
‘All Crocs are special.'” [ Laughter ] -“According to new research,
one in five Americans would rather spend
one hour in jail than work out a five-year
financial budget.” -“One hour in jail —
or, as white people call it, ‘a murder conviction.'” [ Laughter ] -Seth, why don’t you —
-No! -Come on!
-I really don’t think
this will end well. -Oh, come on.
-Just one, boy. -Okay, okay, okay. “A company has begun selling
fashionable hospital gowns for pregnant women to wear
while giving birth. ‘Oh, you look beautiful,’
said a husband who was lying.” -How dare you! -You told me it
would be okay! -You should be
ashamed of this! -Black women and lesbians
are liars! ♪♪