-Here at “Late Night” every
night, I deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a
diverse team of writers, as a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk, that, due to my being
a straight white male would be difficult for me
to deliver. But we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them, so we’d like to share them with
you now in a segment called, “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” [ Cheers and applause ] These are two of our writers,
that’s Amber and that’s Jenny, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And we’re both women.
-And I’m not. So here’s how this works, I’ll
read the setups for these jokes, and then Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here we go.
A pair of gay penguins at a zoo in Denmark recently
attempted to kidnap a baby chick from another penguin.
-While a pair of lesbian penguins attempted to
adopt three cats. [ Laughter ] -Serena Williams promoted her
line of jeans on Instagram recently using the peach emoji,
which meany people use to symbolize a butt.
-What’s a butt? Said white people. [ Laughter ] -Do people really use the peach
emoji to symbolize a butt? -Black people do. White people
use the pancake emoji. [ Laughter ] -A couple in Tennessee
celebrated their 10-year wedding
anniversary last week by visiting every Disney theme
park in the US within 24 hours. -But sure,
gay marriage is weird. [ Laughter ] -So I have a question, Jenny.
-Yeah? -Do lesbians got to
Disney World? -Uh, we prefer Busch Gardens. [ Laughter, applause ] -We —
-[ Laughs ] -A de– [Laughs] A Detroit man
recently had the police called on him by white women for
“gardening while black.” -Said the black gardener, “Hoe.” [ Laughter ] -Ooh. -A new play opened this month
in South Africa called “The Pregnant Lesbian”.
-The play was made possible by a contribution from an
anonymous donor. [ Laughter, applause ] -Today was National Color Day.
-“So it’s okay today, right?” Said Megyn Kelly about
blackface. [ Ooh’s, applause ] -So, Amber, what are you
dressing as for Halloween? -[ Spooky voice ] The ghost of
Megyn Kelly’s career. [ Laughter ] -Ooh-ooh! Scary! [ Laughs ] -A porn site recently offered
$10,000 to female pornographers who make porn for women. -[ Normal voice ]
Or, if you want women to orgasm, just show them
a dress with pockets. -Ooh!
-Oh, ho ho ho! [ Applause ]
-Oh! -Whoo! [ Laughter ] -Aah!
-Whoo! -I mean, but really.
-Ooh! -Ooh! [ Laughter ] -[ Squeaks ]
-Ooh! -Oh, I’ve, I’ve never heard
those noises. -Whoo!
-[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] -It’s because you don’t have a–
-[ Laughs ] Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Police in Virginia are
searching for a suspect who robbed a convenience store
wearing a panda mask. -If found, they’ll give the
white half probation and the black half jail time. [ Light laughter, applause ] -Restaurant chain Hooters turned
35 last week. -And then it fired itself. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Seth!
-What? -Do you want to tell them?
-Oh, guys, I really don’t think I should.
-Oh, come on, just one! -I feel like if I tell one of
these I’m gonna get in a lot of trouble.
-We want you to do it, Seth. -Okay.
-It’s gonna go so well. -Okay, well, you’re my friends
and I trust you, so I will. -Okay. [ Light laughter ] -Former New York City mayor Mike
Bloomberg said that he plans to donate a record amount of
money towards female candidates this campaign cycle. Female candidates used to run in
different cycles, but then they synched up. [ Laughter ] -Seth, no.
-Seth, no! -What? Oh, oh, okay wait. Wait.
-How dare you? -You know what?
I learned my lesson, and I think I get how it works
now, and this next one I am gonna nail, you guys.
-Okay. -All right. [ Laughter ] -A movie about two lesbians was
recently screened for seven days so it could qualify for an
Academy Award, no word on which award, but I’m
guessing it’s not best makeup. -How dare you?!
-You told me it would be okay! -You should be ashamed of
yourself! -That was terrible.
That was a very bad id– -Black women and lesbians are
liars! [ Laughter ]