-Here at “Late Night”
every night, I deliver a monologue comprised
of jokes written by a diverse team
of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that due to my being
a straight, white male would be difficult for me
to deliver. But we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them, so we’d like to share them
with you now in a segment called “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” [ Cheers and applause,
upbeat music plays ] [ Tape rips ] These are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny. -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And we’re both women! -And I’m not,
so here’s how this works. I’ll read the setups
for these jokes, and then Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here we go. Residents in California recently
reported a man who was passing out flyers
claiming that lesbian sexual activity
causes cancer. -Said lesbians — “Worth it.” [ Laughter ] -A company in Japan
has created new software that can help identify
possible shoplifters. -Possible shoplifters, or as
CBS calls them, black people. [ Laughter, woman groans ] -Hey, Amber,
what is the hardest store for black people to shop at? -J.Crew. But not because
they accuse me of shoplifting. Because the pants don’t
have room for my butt. [ Laughter ] -A Los Angeles woman
is currently raising money to film a lesbian version of “Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy.” -It’s just five lesbians
telling a straight woman to throw out her makeup. -But, Jenny,
you’re wearing makeup now. -Oh, that’s ’cause
it’s a special night. -Oh. ‘Cause you’re on the show? -No, because I’m going to
Guitar Center later. -Okay. Former First Lady Michelle Obama
was seen recently dancing at a Beyoncé
and Jay-Z concert. -“Whoa, what is that?”
said white people about dancing. [ Laughter ] -Hey, now. Hold on. [ Chuckling ]
White people can dance. -Prove it! [ Laughter ] Ugh, ugh. No!
[ Cheers and applause ] Don’t encourage him! -No.
-No. No. That was pity clapping! -[ Laughs ] -A new study has found that men
think their meals taste better if an attractive waitress
serves it to them. -The study is called Hooters. [ Laughter ] -The black owner
of an artisan lemonade store recently had the police
called on him by a neighbor who thought he was breaking into
his own shop. -But to be fair,
artisan lemonade store does sounds like some
white people nonsense. [ Laughter ]
-Hey. I think artisan lemonade
sounds good. -You are white people nonsense. -No! No! No. No.
-Oh, no. [ Cheers and applause ]
-No. No. No. No. -What? They’re white. They think it’s fine. -That applause
is white privilege. [ Laughter ] If you ever wanted a definition
of it, there you go. -Hey! He’s trying! [ Laughter ] -According to a recent study, LGBT Americans are less likely
to develop Alzheimer’s disease. -So, bad news, Republicans.
We won’t forget. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -The city of Boston
will soon have its first ever
black police commissioner. -Said every other cop,
“He’s got a gun!” [ Laughter ] Hey, Seth?
-What? Why don’t you tell one?
-Oh, guys. I don’t think
that’s a good idea. -Oh, come on. Just one. -I feel if I do one of these,
I’ll get in trouble. -No.
-Seth, please. -All right. All right.
-Please? -All right. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] -Give him a round of applause.
He’s been white all day. [ Laughter ] Probably tired. According to a recent study, lesbians are 14% more likely
to orgasm during sex than straight women. Also orgasming during
lesbian sex — men. -Seth, no!
[ Laughter ] -Whoa! Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Let me try one more. -Seth! [ Laughter ] All right. Seth… -[ Laughs ] It’s very hard as a white man
to get disapproval. [ Laughter ]
According to a new study, teenagers raised by lesbian moms
do just as well or better than teenagers
raised by straight parents, but they can’t dress for [bleep] [ Laughter ] -How dare you?! -You told me it would be okay! -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -Black women and lesbians
are liars! ♪♪ We’ll be right back with
Amy Adams, everybody. [ Laughter ] ♪♪