[ Cheers and applause ] -These are two of our writers,
everybody. That´s Amber and that´s Jenny. -I´m black.
-And I´m gay. -And we´re both women. -And I´m not. So, here´s how this works. I´ll read the setups
for these jokes and Amber and Jenny will read
the punch lines, here goes. Starbucks recently hired its
first black female C.O.O. -Or as her coworkers call her,
Venti Cocoa Mochaccino. [ Laughter and applause ] -It was announced recently
that the upcoming lesbian reboot of the show,
“Xena, Warrior Princess” has been canceled. -So if you want to watch
a show for lesbians, you´ll have to watch
“Monday Night Football.” [ Audience groans ] -And, Jenny —
Jenny, do you like football? -Ugh, No.
If I want to see someone wearing a bunch of pads, I´ll go to
a Natalie Merchant concert during a full moon. -Whose Natalie merchant? -Oh, I can take this.
She´s who you played when you wanted to make out
with a girl in 1993. -Did it work? -Yes.
-Yes. [ Laughter ] Former White House
Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci reportedly
has a minority stake in the New York Mets. -Coincidentally, minority steak
is what Donald Trump calls barbecued ribs. [ Audience groans ] [ Cheers and applause ] -San Francisco was
recently named the most popular destination
for gay people. -While the most popular
destination for closeted gay people
is the Vatican. -Oh. [ Audience gasps ]
[ Applause ] I — I didn´t know that. -It´s true. Hey, Seth, you know
what lesbians and nuns have in common?
-What? -They´re lesbians.
-Huh. [ Light laughter ] A rare white lobster was caught
recently in the Gulf of Maine. -But since it was white,
it got to live. [ Audience groans ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Several conservatives have
suggested that Hurricane Harvey was God´s punishment for Houston
electing a lesbian mayor. -That´s ridiculous. If God wanted
to punish a lesbian, He´d make her a bridesmaid. [ Laughter and applause ] -A University of Memphis
police officer is suing the school for
reverse discrimination. -Reverse discrimination is
like regular discrimination, except it doesn´t exist. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -A group of parents
in an Alabama school recently started a petition
to have the rainbow flag outside a teacher´s
classroom taken down, saying it´s the same
as the Confederate flag. -And it is, except the gays won. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh! Whoa, daddy! Aah! Hey, Seth,
why don´t you tell one? -No I couldn´t, you guys.
-Oh, come on, just one. -No, I feel like if I do
I´ll get in trouble, and it won´t end well.
-Please, Seth, please. -Come on, buddy.
-Yeah! -Do it! Do it!
-Do it, Seth! -Do it!
-Okay! [ Cheers and applause ] They´re so behind me,
I´ll never lose them. [ Laughter ] Today was National Scotch Day. “I´ll have two fingers,”
said lesbians. -Seth, no! -Where did all the applause go? [ Light laughter ] -Seth! -You told me it would be okay! -Very bad.
-Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I´m sorry.
Let me try another one. -Okay.
[ Light laughter ] -New York´s Lincoln Center
recently hosted a national Double-Dutch
competition and the winner was, I´m guessing, black. [ Light laughter ] -How dare you? -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -Well, were they? -Yes, they were.
-Okay. [ Cheers and applause ] We´ll be right back with more
“Late Night” everybody.