Laughter is the Best Medicine

Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Starbucks’ First Black Female COO, Lesbian Nuns

[ Cheers and applause ] -These are two of our writers,
everybody. That´s Amber and that´s Jenny. -I´m black.
-And I´m gay. -And we´re both women. -And I´m not. So, here´s how this works. I´ll read the setups
for these jokes and Amber and Jenny will read
the punch lines, here goes. Starbucks recently hired its
first black female C.O.O. -Or as her coworkers call her,
Venti Cocoa Mochaccino. [ Laughter and applause ] -It was announced recently
that the upcoming lesbian reboot of the show,
“Xena, Warrior Princess” has been canceled. -So if you want to watch
a show for lesbians, you´ll have to watch
“Monday Night Football.” [ Audience groans ] -And, Jenny —
Jenny, do you like football? -Ugh, No.
If I want to see someone wearing a bunch of pads, I´ll go to
a Natalie Merchant concert during a full moon. -Whose Natalie merchant? -Oh, I can take this.
She´s who you played when you wanted to make out
with a girl in 1993. -Did it work? -Yes.
-Yes. [ Laughter ] Former White House
Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci reportedly
has a minority stake in the New York Mets. -Coincidentally, minority steak
is what Donald Trump calls barbecued ribs. [ Audience groans ] [ Cheers and applause ] -San Francisco was
recently named the most popular destination
for gay people. -While the most popular
destination for closeted gay people
is the Vatican. -Oh. [ Audience gasps ]
[ Applause ] I — I didn´t know that. -It´s true. Hey, Seth, you know
what lesbians and nuns have in common?
-What? -They´re lesbians.
-Huh. [ Light laughter ] A rare white lobster was caught
recently in the Gulf of Maine. -But since it was white,
it got to live. [ Audience groans ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Several conservatives have
suggested that Hurricane Harvey was God´s punishment for Houston
electing a lesbian mayor. -That´s ridiculous. If God wanted
to punish a lesbian, He´d make her a bridesmaid. [ Laughter and applause ] -A University of Memphis
police officer is suing the school for
reverse discrimination. -Reverse discrimination is
like regular discrimination, except it doesn´t exist. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -A group of parents
in an Alabama school recently started a petition
to have the rainbow flag outside a teacher´s
classroom taken down, saying it´s the same
as the Confederate flag. -And it is, except the gays won. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh! Whoa, daddy! Aah! Hey, Seth,
why don´t you tell one? -No I couldn´t, you guys.
-Oh, come on, just one. -No, I feel like if I do
I´ll get in trouble, and it won´t end well.
-Please, Seth, please. -Come on, buddy.
-Yeah! -Do it! Do it!
-Do it, Seth! -Do it!
-Okay! [ Cheers and applause ] They´re so behind me,
I´ll never lose them. [ Laughter ] Today was National Scotch Day. “I´ll have two fingers,”
said lesbians. -Seth, no! -Where did all the applause go? [ Light laughter ] -Seth! -You told me it would be okay! -Very bad.
-Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I´m sorry.
Let me try another one. -Okay.
[ Light laughter ] -New York´s Lincoln Center
recently hosted a national Double-Dutch
competition and the winner was, I´m guessing, black. [ Light laughter ] -How dare you? -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -Well, were they? -Yes, they were.
-Okay. [ Cheers and applause ] We´ll be right back with more
“Late Night” everybody.

100 thoughts on “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Starbucks’ First Black Female COO, Lesbian Nuns

  1. First time I have watched "jokes seth cant tell" segment. I got like… 1 smile and no laughs. Guess ill just stick to the late night talk show.

    Edit: tbh the jokes are fine, but the two ladies are not all that great at delivery or facial expressions.

  2. Nuns must be lesbians because the only reason a woman would decide a celibate, religious life is because she is a closeted lesbian…is that the joke? :/

  3. okay, so i am genuinely asking, what would it be called when i was beaten and given rotten food because i was a white kid in a predominantly black neighborhood when i was 9 years old?

  4. The issue with the alabama parents, like with "all lives matter" and other issues, shows they don't actually understand what the other side is saying, or are upset about. To say the gay flag and confederate flag are "the same thing" shows a basic ignorance of…. well, everything.

  5. Correct! Reverse discrimination doesn't exist, it's just discrimination ರ_ರ.

    If she instead means that it's impossible to be racist against white people, then… uh… can't help you there, you're already too far gone.

  6. Yeah, the Gay flag is a lot like the Confederate flag, actually. We all remember the Civil War, in which the Southern Gaytes seceded from the union in order to keep their straight sex slaves as property, and how they used the Rainbow Flag as a symbol of their rebellion, and nowadays, gays put rainbow flags on their bumpers and on their shirts and fly them above the Gayte Congresses claiming that it's to remember their geyritage, but really because they hate straight people and have glorified their war where they fought to keep treating straight people as sub-human by telling themselves it was really about Gayte Rights.

  7. Though I like these jokes well enough, and the women who tell them, isn't it just awful that we feel that not everyone should be able to say these jokes out loud? That's a whole different thing than being awful or mean, but humor is for all of us. And no, I'm not saying everyone should be extremely blunt. But we all know Seth is not a mean-spirited bigot. So… Yeah this is a sad development. I think these women deserve their own segment. But not because they are who they "use" as their identity but simply because they have humor.

  8. This segment is a wonderful peek into what it will be like once someone who's not a straight white man hosts a network late night show.

  9. Always nice to watch this segment. and soooooo glad to skip the intro. BTW, I don't know what product you change among your makeup, Amber, but you look super fantastic. Keep using it.

  10. I can't decide which term best describes the feelings Amber stirs within me!
    Is she mostly cute, or mostly gorgeous? Or, is she a perfect balance of the two?
    In which case, should I add the term "Amberute" or "Amberous," to my vocabulary? Because "Amber alert," is already taken!!

  11. this is a must with morning coffee..i wonder what if all the neo-nazis and evangelicals watched this …beautiful world it would be…

  12. I am not white, but to say reverse racism does not exist is ridiculous. All races have racists, just like how all races have good people and bad people. You know those people exist, don't even lie!

  13. I love this segment but I miss Seth saying "black women and lesbians are LIARS!". It was like the signature part of it! But it keeps getting better

  14. I can vouch for the lesbian nun thing-have a great aunt that joined a convent 70ish years ago, and was a lesbian.

  15. Sooooo…Jenny's eyebrows are already better viewing than Bill Maher. Also I feel her jokes won't be fully unleashed without HBO profanity rules. Hint, hint, hint.

  16. I am OK lesbian bridesmaid LOL I almost died because it is torture especially when they keep trying to set you up with the guy you’re walking down the aisle with because you’re still in the closet

  17. Oh my God Jenny last joke about the flag killed all! It was fucking damn on spot and I just love how putting it to the man went down right there! I fucking love her but I love all of these 3 because they seem to stand up for a part of the world that I wish more people were like where you can laugh at yourself and really put it to those who find equal rights to be something to look down upon! You go guys!

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