Laughter is the Best Medicine

Jokes Seth Can’t Tell with Hillary Rodham Clinton

-Here at “Late Night,” every night,
I deliver a monologue compromised of jokes written
by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that, due to my being
a straight white male, would be difficult
for me to deliver, but we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them. So we’d like to share them
with you now in a segment called
“Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” ♪♪ These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny. -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And we’re both women.
-And I’m not. So here’s how this works. I’ll read the setups
for these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here it goes. The Detroit metro area will
hold a new event next month called Black Restaurant Week. -A black restaurant
is like a white restaurant except it’s a Popeyes. [ Laughter ] -According to a recent article,
lesbian couples are two and a half times
more likely to get divorced than gay male couples. -Because it’s easier to move out
when you already have a truck. [ Laughter ] -After failing an inspection, a British hospital
is currently on black alert. -Also on black alert, J.C. Penney any time I’m there. -Do you really get followed
around when you shop? -I get followed around
everywhere. I’m being followed right now. [ Cheers and applause ] -Fun! The late astronaut Sally Ride
recently became the first lesbian to be made
into a LEGO figure. -While the rest of lesbians will have to settle
forhavinga LEGO figure. -[ Laughs ] -[ Laughs ] -I didn’t know Sally Ride
was a lesbian. -Oh, please, Seth.
She was an astronaut. Only a lesbian
would work that hard to get a job
where you wear coveralls. -Okay. A black firefighter
was recently awarded $350,000 in a discrimination suit. -Discrimination suit. Or, as black people call it,
a hoodie. -Amber! -Do not wear a discrimination
suit to J.C. Penney. -Okay. Beijing was recently named the world’s
least gay-friendly place. -While the world’s
least lesbian-friendly place is Sephora. [ Laughter ] -AChicago Tribunereport found that black residents
pay the most for water. -Well, yeah, ’cause you
have to pay for the waterandthe Kool-Aid packet. -[ Laughs ] -The Disney Channel announced
that it will soon feature its first-ever gay story line. -While their first
lesbian story line was someone owning 101 dogs. -Hm. Hey, Jenny, whydolesbians
own so many dogs? -You need someone
to watch your cats. -Okay. Wait. All right. Hold on. This next joke
seems really specific. I don’t know if it applies
to either of you. -Oh, that’s okay.
We brought a friend to help us. Come on out! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause
continue ] [ Cheers and applause
continue ] -That is, uh, definitely the exact same amount of
applause that you got, Amber. -Oh, cool! -Thank you so much
for being here. -Well, thanks for having me.
-All right. Let’s do this. According to a recent article,
chardonnay is making a comeback. -And they said I wouldn’t
be able to create jobs. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -That was great.
Here’s another one. The retractable roof
on Atlanta’s NFL stadium is not working properly. -Oh, well, at least
ceiling’s broken. -All right.
Want to try one more? -Sure.
-All right. According to a recent report, koalas may be extinct
by the year 2040. -And according to Fox News,
that’s my fault. -Very. [ Laughs ]
Very well done. Very well done.
-Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] -So — So… Seth, why don’t you tell one?
-Oh, I couldn’t! -Oh, come on! -Oh, I don’t feel like
it’ll end well. -Just one!
You got to do it! -Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Okay.-Playbillmagazine reported that a new lesbian musical
is coming to Broadway. It’s called “Clunky Boots.” -How dare you!
-You told me it would be okay! -[ Laughs ] You know, really, Seth,
that was pretty terrible. -Shame on you, Seth!
-No! No! Black women and lesbians and
popular-vote winners are liars! ♪♪ We’ll be right back with Hillary Rodham Clinton,

100 thoughts on “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell with Hillary Rodham Clinton

  1. I still don't understand the admiration for Hillary Clinton. Compared to Trump, sure, she is TONS better, but within politicians, she is only partly progressive. I think is time to look for a much better politician.

  2. This is hilarious, but pretty sure the first gay woman to have a Lego figure is Kate McKinnon. The Ghostbusters set came out like two years before this lol

  3. Every Femme I know LOVES Sephora more than anything. I spend all my money on books, cat toys, and handbags so I can't judge

  4. that jcp shit's so true. i once failed the electronic test to work at a jcp because i refused to answer their questions about following 'suspicious looking people' around the store. if you don't fit the image that jcp thinks you should fit, you can be damn sure they have someone following you like you're a criminal.

  5. I really thought he would say 'Black women, Lesbian women and Hilary is a liar ' in Trump's voice …that would be a burn..

  6. HIDDEN LAPTOPS revealed the ORDER given by top DNC LEADERS TO Murder Seth Rich. Conspiracy? Then WHY DID the guy delivering the lawsuit filed against the DNC found dead shortly after? Then WHY DID the ATTORNEY on the DNC lawsuit was shot in the head and found dead at a Florida beach? All related….all conspiracy theories??? I THINK NOT! Even Julian Assange alluded to the significance of the MURDER!

  7. Hillary Rodham Clinton belongs in jail for ordering the MURDER of Seth Rich and its COVER UP. With her attitude in Gadaffi, "I came, I saw, he died (followed by laughter)" She is guilty of high crimes, and has managed through fear, murder, bribes, cover ups, and
    disinformation to stave off her due consequences. I say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!


    (but, you know… not too often – 1/5 to 1/3 of the times, maybe ^^ )

  9. Yeah, even 2 years after the elections, Fox News is still blaming Clinton, sometimes watching it, and you wonder is she the president now? It’s like Inception for nincompoops.

  10. would have been better for the country if seth had been able to end this skit with "black women, lesbians and female presidents are all liars"…

  11. I used to work for jcp—I had to wear a suit and tie while carrying 50# bags of fertilizer to people’s cars, in august, in florida…

  12. Wait. So Fox News thinks that Hillary is clearing land for housing risking healthy koalas and gave the sick ones chlamydia? That's not a joke, chlamydia is one of the reasons koalas are endangered.

  13. Every time I see Hillary Clinton, I think to myself, thank god she isn't president. Then I remember, we're even more fucked with who is.

  14. Seth you took your show one further leaving Steven Colbert behind , he better come up with something really good !

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