Mr. Keegan-Michael Key,
everybody. [cheers and applause] I’m from Detroit. [scattered applause] Good night! No, I’m kidding. So one day in 1990, I was driving my 1976
Buick LeSabre down the street. I had a 1976 Buick LeSabre. It got 400 feet
to the gallon. And I was on the north side
of 8 Mile Road. You guys saw 8 Mile
with Eminem? Okay, and there was a dude
standing in the parking lot, and he comes up to my car,
and this guy– He’s just looking rugged,
like, looking rough. He looked like a cross
between, like, a– like, a beaten golden retriever
and sad Gary Busey. It was– So anyway, something came
over me, like the angel. There was an angel
sitting on my shoulder, and the angel spoke into my ear
and said, “This is the day that you’re
gonna make a difference. “You’re not gonna just give him
a dollar. “You’re gonna do
onto others today. Do it for this guy.”
I said, “Okay, all right. “I’m north of 8 Mile.
I’m good to go. “I’m gonna help
this mother[bleep]. I’m gonna help this guy.” And the guys comes up,
and he’s like, “Hey, man,
I swear, man, “if you could just help me out
for a second. “If you could just–
there’s a church, “like, just a mile north
of here, “and I know some guys
at the church. “And if you could
just drop me off, “there’s a shelter there, man.
I really appreciate it. That’s all I’m asking you to do.
God bless you, God bless you.” I’m like, “That’s good.
That’s fine. He’s not asking for money.” Get in the car. So we get in the car, and I’m asking him
about himself, and his name is “Jeff.” We’re gonna call him Jeff. And we were driving down,
and all of a sudden, we’re driving,
and I’m asking him, “How did you fall
on hard times?” He’s telling me his story.
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da. And then I realized
we’re driving south, and I was just like,
“That’s another thing, Jeff– Oh, [bleep],
I’m south of 8 Mile!” And so I got south of 8 Mile,
and we pull over, and he’s like,
“Just wait right here. “Just wait right here.
I’ll be right back. I promise.
I’ll be right back.” So Jeff gets out of the car,
and for like a minute– for, like, a minute,
I just see him going, and he’s walking
around the church and back and back again. He’s like,
“Just give me one second.” And then he’s back around here,
and he goes into a house, okay? Right then, that’s the moment
I should’ve driven away as fast as possible, but that angel
deafeningly screamed in my ear, “Just help someone,
you [bleep] 19-year-old “with your trench coat, looking like
you’re in Lost Boys.” Right at that moment
is when I should’ve driven away, but I didn’t. I didn’t.
I’m gonna help this guy. I’m gonna be a Good Samaritan
if it kills me. I get out of my car–
me, Corey Feldman– and I go, and I open up
the trunk of my car, and I get out a tire iron,
and then I close the trunk, and I’m leaning
against the trunk of the car with my tire iron like–like everybody
within a two-mile square radius doesn’t have a handgun. What am I gonna do
with my tire iron? I’m gonna– [imitating bullets ricocheting] So he comes back.
Jeff comes back. And he’s walking
towards my car. He’s walking towards my car
like this, and he’s really in a hurry. And he gets up to me,
and he goes, “Oh, man, what’s going on
with the tire iron?” I said, “Just, you know,
protection for myself just in case anything–
any shit went down.” And he goes, “Oh, man, that’s–
Whoo, you had me nervous there “for a second,
’cause I was back there, and things did not go well.” And so we got back
in the car, and we’re driving
down the street. I said, “Did not go well.
What happened, Jeff?” And he goes, “Oh, yeah,
I was in that house “talking to a dude,
and then he hit me with an aluminum
baseball bat.” So I was like,
“Oh, shit.” And so he’s like,
“Oh, no, no, stop here, stop here, stop here,”
and I’m like, “Okay, this is the time
when I’m gonna”– “Okay, Jeff,
I think it’s time. It’s time
to get out of the car.” But we look across the street,
and across the street, there’s this house,
and there’s a kid standing on the house. He’s got one of these huge, like, triple-fat
goose down jackets, a white one. He looked like
the Michelin man, like a black Michelin man. And he was standing here,
this kid, and he comes up
to the car. He looks in my window,
and he’s like, “What’s going on, Jeff?
What’s up?” And Jeff says–
Jeff says, “I’ll be back
in a couple of hours. “If you could just help me out
right now, “I’ll be back
in a couple of hours. I’ll have four VCRs.” Now, here’s me.
I’m like, “Four V–What?” So kid goes back up
to the porch, and he’s on the porch like this,
and he goes– And then there’s
a drain pipe here, and my boy
reaches down like this and puts his hand
in the drain pipe, right, takes his hand out, comes– saunters back
across the street to my car, presents crack cocaine
to Jeff. So, you know,
crack cocaine’s, like, here. I’m like,
“I’ve never seen that before.” And he goes,
“So I’ll be back in about two hours
with four VCRs.” So, guys, if you ever find
a time machine and go back in time to 1990
and you want to buy crack, the ratio from crack rock
to VCR is one to one, okay? And as the kid backs up
from my car, he’s like, “All right, Jeff.
All right, Jeff.” And he brushes
his jacket back, and there’s nickel-plated
.45 caliber in his pocket, so I’m just like, “I’m the dumbest person
in the world.” And so–And then
I got really stern, guys, and I said,
“Jeff, this is it. “I have to be at play practice
in two hours. “I’m stage managing
Early One Evening at the Rainbow Bar
and Grill.” So he–So anyway,
Jeff is rummaging around on the floor of my car,
grabs a soda can, then rummages around
on the floor of my car, grabs a paper clip, okay? Paper clip. And he starts, like,
doing a hole in the top
of the can, okay? So he’s making a hole
in the top of the can. So I’m sitting here,
and I’m just like, “Oh, man, I can’t– “If I can get
in this parking lot, I can just get Jeff
out of here.” I turn and look. My man Jeff
is scrooched down in my car, just smoking crack,
just smoking crack. [smacking lips] This guy looks at me and goes,
“Hope you don’t mind.” I get to Coolidge Road.
It feels like it took six years. And, guys, I only had two hours.
I had to get to play practice. And he gets out of the car,
and he’s like, “Thanks so much, man.
I really appreciate it, man. Appreciate it so much.
God bless.” I’m like, “Get–You really need
to get out of the car, Jeff. “I need to jettison you
out of the vehicle. I need you gone.” And he leaves,
and I– You know, I go on
with the rest of my life, and I encountered him, you know,
later in my life one time. And I saw him
walking in my neighborhood, and that little angel
on my shoulder is like, “Hey, there’s Jeff. Maybe we should give him
one more try.” And I said,
“Hey, angel, f–k off.” Thank you so much, everybody.