Laughter is the Best Medicine

Keegan-Michael Key – Picking Up a Crackhead – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Mr. Keegan-Michael Key,
everybody. [cheers and applause] I’m from Detroit. [scattered applause] Good night! No, I’m kidding. So one day in 1990, I was driving my 1976
Buick LeSabre down the street. I had a 1976 Buick LeSabre. It got 400 feet
to the gallon. And I was on the north side
of 8 Mile Road. You guys saw 8 Mile
with Eminem? Okay, and there was a dude
standing in the parking lot, and he comes up to my car,
and this guy– He’s just looking rugged,
like, looking rough. He looked like a cross
between, like, a– like, a beaten golden retriever
and sad Gary Busey. It was– So anyway, something came
over me, like the angel. There was an angel
sitting on my shoulder, and the angel spoke into my ear
and said, “This is the day that you’re
gonna make a difference. “You’re not gonna just give him
a dollar. “You’re gonna do
onto others today. Do it for this guy.”
I said, “Okay, all right. “I’m north of 8 Mile.
I’m good to go. “I’m gonna help
this mother[bleep]. I’m gonna help this guy.” And the guys comes up,
and he’s like, “Hey, man,
I swear, man, “if you could just help me out
for a second. “If you could just–
there’s a church, “like, just a mile north
of here, “and I know some guys
at the church. “And if you could
just drop me off, “there’s a shelter there, man.
I really appreciate it. That’s all I’m asking you to do.
God bless you, God bless you.” I’m like, “That’s good.
That’s fine. He’s not asking for money.” Get in the car. So we get in the car, and I’m asking him
about himself, and his name is “Jeff.” We’re gonna call him Jeff. And we were driving down,
and all of a sudden, we’re driving,
and I’m asking him, “How did you fall
on hard times?” He’s telling me his story.
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da. And then I realized
we’re driving south, and I was just like,
“That’s another thing, Jeff– Oh, [bleep],
I’m south of 8 Mile!” And so I got south of 8 Mile,
and we pull over, and he’s like,
“Just wait right here. “Just wait right here.
I’ll be right back. I promise.
I’ll be right back.” So Jeff gets out of the car,
and for like a minute– for, like, a minute,
I just see him going, and he’s walking
around the church and back and back again. He’s like,
“Just give me one second.” And then he’s back around here,
and he goes into a house, okay? Right then, that’s the moment
I should’ve driven away as fast as possible, but that angel
deafeningly screamed in my ear, “Just help someone,
you [bleep] 19-year-old “with your trench coat, looking like
you’re in Lost Boys.” Right at that moment
is when I should’ve driven away, but I didn’t. I didn’t.
I’m gonna help this guy. I’m gonna be a Good Samaritan
if it kills me. I get out of my car–
me, Corey Feldman– and I go, and I open up
the trunk of my car, and I get out a tire iron,
and then I close the trunk, and I’m leaning
against the trunk of the car with my tire iron like–like everybody
within a two-mile square radius doesn’t have a handgun. What am I gonna do
with my tire iron? I’m gonna– [imitating bullets ricocheting] So he comes back.
Jeff comes back. And he’s walking
towards my car. He’s walking towards my car
like this, and he’s really in a hurry. And he gets up to me,
and he goes, “Oh, man, what’s going on
with the tire iron?” I said, “Just, you know,
protection for myself just in case anything–
any shit went down.” And he goes, “Oh, man, that’s–
Whoo, you had me nervous there “for a second,
’cause I was back there, and things did not go well.” And so we got back
in the car, and we’re driving
down the street. I said, “Did not go well.
What happened, Jeff?” And he goes, “Oh, yeah,
I was in that house “talking to a dude,
and then he hit me with an aluminum
baseball bat.” So I was like,
“Oh, shit.” And so he’s like,
“Oh, no, no, stop here, stop here, stop here,”
and I’m like, “Okay, this is the time
when I’m gonna”– “Okay, Jeff,
I think it’s time. It’s time
to get out of the car.” But we look across the street,
and across the street, there’s this house,
and there’s a kid standing on the house. He’s got one of these huge, like, triple-fat
goose down jackets, a white one. He looked like
the Michelin man, like a black Michelin man. And he was standing here,
this kid, and he comes up
to the car. He looks in my window,
and he’s like, “What’s going on, Jeff?
What’s up?” And Jeff says–
Jeff says, “I’ll be back
in a couple of hours. “If you could just help me out
right now, “I’ll be back
in a couple of hours. I’ll have four VCRs.” Now, here’s me.
I’m like, “Four V–What?” So kid goes back up
to the porch, and he’s on the porch like this,
and he goes– And then there’s
a drain pipe here, and my boy
reaches down like this and puts his hand
in the drain pipe, right, takes his hand out, comes– saunters back
across the street to my car, presents crack cocaine
to Jeff. So, you know,
crack cocaine’s, like, here. I’m like,
“I’ve never seen that before.” And he goes,
“So I’ll be back in about two hours
with four VCRs.” So, guys, if you ever find
a time machine and go back in time to 1990
and you want to buy crack, the ratio from crack rock
to VCR is one to one, okay? And as the kid backs up
from my car, he’s like, “All right, Jeff.
All right, Jeff.” And he brushes
his jacket back, and there’s nickel-plated
.45 caliber in his pocket, so I’m just like, “I’m the dumbest person
in the world.” And so–And then
I got really stern, guys, and I said,
“Jeff, this is it. “I have to be at play practice
in two hours. “I’m stage managing
Early One Evening at the Rainbow Bar
and Grill.” So he–So anyway,
Jeff is rummaging around on the floor of my car,
grabs a soda can, then rummages around
on the floor of my car, grabs a paper clip, okay? Paper clip. And he starts, like,
doing a hole in the top
of the can, okay? So he’s making a hole
in the top of the can. So I’m sitting here,
and I’m just like, “Oh, man, I can’t– “If I can get
in this parking lot, I can just get Jeff
out of here.” I turn and look. My man Jeff
is scrooched down in my car, just smoking crack,
just smoking crack. [smacking lips] This guy looks at me and goes,
“Hope you don’t mind.” I get to Coolidge Road.
It feels like it took six years. And, guys, I only had two hours.
I had to get to play practice. And he gets out of the car,
and he’s like, “Thanks so much, man.
I really appreciate it, man. Appreciate it so much.
God bless.” I’m like, “Get–You really need
to get out of the car, Jeff. “I need to jettison you
out of the vehicle. I need you gone.” And he leaves,
and I– You know, I go on
with the rest of my life, and I encountered him, you know,
later in my life one time. And I saw him
walking in my neighborhood, and that little angel
on my shoulder is like, “Hey, there’s Jeff. Maybe we should give him
one more try.” And I said,
“Hey, angel, f–k off.” Thank you so much, everybody.
Appreciate it.

100 thoughts on “Keegan-Michael Key – Picking Up a Crackhead – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

  1. I fear that its gonna get Kramer up in here whenever I see uncensored and stand up in the same title

  2. the second last time i gave a lift to a crackhead i got mugged with a knife and my car was stolen and crashed. LOL.

  3. These videos are all awesome. Super cool stories, but that full minute of opening of people being sad + people having fun is just weird xD

  4. I'm Jeff! I remember it well! Keegan had hair.
    Well, I've cleaned up my act and now I'm an investment banker and worth about 5MM. Great story Keegan, but you forgot to tell them that we stay in touch and do shots from time to time.
    That a-hole with the aluminum bat? He cleans my toilets now.

  5. God damn! I was imagining a Buick LeSabre like the 1996 model I had back in the day. This is what 76 looked like

  6. Hey I'm close to that. I live about 35 mins from D town and my Jeep gets 1000 feet to the gallon 😋 I knew I liked him for a reason

  7. I accidentally bought crack once. I figured it’s not the kind of thing that you can safely ask for a refund on, so I tried it. It was completely overrated, and I never thought about trying it again. That was probably 7 years ago. Drugs are addictive for sure, but they’re not nearly the crazy s*** that people make them out to be on tv.

  8. Except now everyone is rushing south of 8 mile to buy up all the property that no one wanted anything to do with.

  9. Yo the end of that was perfect cuz at 31 years old, growing up in the hood I've learned sometimes you gotta tell that Angel to fuck off

  10. What a pussy. How do you think bums get to where they are? It’s always drugs. You wanna help? Start by gettin down on their level. Smoke crack with the guy you fuckin pussy lol

  11. Oh hey, it's just like I thought, he's trash at comedy. The dude should become an actor, he's good at that shit.

  12. I have a story that would blow everyone’s mind. It’s has to do with a 3 day bender, acid, boooze, etc. the end of it involves me finding my sisters friends place, she put me up, and then. The lights turned on and I hear”what the fuck have u done”! Let’s just say a psy party, drugs, booze, sand dunes and getting home. Omg. A koala ran across the road on the walk out to get a lift. Long story made short. Love ur work.

  13. This is literally a story about Keegan picking up a dude to fuck and he ends up learning he's a crackhead lol. What straight man would just keep driving a random fucking bum around lol?!

  14. Yeah man you gave him the ride there after he said "That's all I'm asking is a ride somewhere".

    If that was me and he was like "Wait here" while he goes, I'd be like "nuh uh, this was a one way flight son, you're on your own now"

  15. I gave this guy a ride home from a party once and half way to his house I look into my back seat and he's taking key bumps so I'm like hey man dont do coke in my car. The dude leans forward between the 2 front seats with a key bump and says "oh relax it's just heroin, you want a bump?"

  16. I had something similar happen to me except it was in Portland about 15 years ago so not quite as bad of and area and the dude was sitting at a bus stop. I picked him up because he was sitting in the rain. Told him to hop in I'm heading his way and I had all my snowboard shit in by back seat. The guys loses his shit jumping around like a fucking orangutan in back of my car looking at my snowboard. He then has me stop somewhere and says wait right here I'll be right back. I didn't wait I got the fuck out of there. Lol

  17. Me liking all the comments that feel bad for Claire knowing I commented to do poprocks on all the videos

  18. S T O P. RA P E I N G. B a B I E S
    I can kind of say i wasn't paying …..but actually i was half ass paying attention // // they give yall shit all/ ahh they were trying to hit back a lil bit // thats terrible / // sweet

  19. You know what's funny this story is exactly like what happened to me late last year with a homeless guy actually named JEFF… I saw him sleeping on the ground in front of the local store and he has a pretty large tumor sticking out of his top of his head… he was always drugged up but I would give him rides to the hospital getting supplies etc.. one day I pick him up and he whips out a pre loaded syringe of I think crack and proceeded to just start injecting himself in my passenger seat…. I SWIFTLY kicked him out and them made him take out what ever stash he had in the backpack he always had an leave at the camp he had set up

  20. Wow. That's kinda weird. I told him back in the 90s that I don't mind if he uses my real name. I never thought he'd be fucking famous. We could go on tour together. He could retell the story, and I could smoke crack next to him for dramatic effect. Comedy gold, y'all!

  21. I hope he never does a show in Detroit. ever. Like fuck u stay in Beverly Hills of Cali or Michigan . Making laughs off the stereotype of Detroit. Nobody would ever fuck with this weirdo in Detroit

  22. The first angel arrives..
    idealistic liberalism & rainbow reality that must exist.

    Second angel arrives..
    Real reality & a new understanding of conservative values.

  23. the thing is apparently they consider a very large area to be "metro detroit" they consider romeo to be "metro detroit area" when trump came to speak i said wtf

  24. Looking for more This Is Not Happening? Check out comedians’ wildest drug stories here:

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